• Member Since 5th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen October 26th

Dash Attack


Aspiring film editor. When I write I shoot for awesome and nothing less. Anti-censorship and pro free-speech.

T
Source

This story is a sequel to My Mortal Big Brother: Armor and Sword


The prequel is not a required read. Entire story to undergo re-editing to improve grammar and spelling quality This message will be delted when all chapters have been cleaned up by my new editor.

Shining Armor couldn't be more proud of his little sister, nor could he be more jealous. Both Cadence and Twilight will live forever. But what will become of him? When an ancient entity gives him an answer to the question, fear of death consumes his his mind.

Shortly after the vision, he confides his mortal anxieties to Cadence, who tells him of a legend regarding six artifacts that if collected can grant a pony one wish. For Shining Armor, he would like nothing more than to spend eternity with his loving wife and his adorable little sister. Willing to risk an early grave for a shot at immortally, Shining embarks on dangerous quest that set's a chain of events into motion that could very well mean the end of both harmony and chaos. Will Shining succeeded in his quest and become an alicorn, or will he nail his coffin shut early and ruin the full life he could have had.

Like this story? You can find this and other great Shining Armor adventure fics here.

This story has changed slightly from it's original publishing. I recommend all who favorite to reread the the story to avoid confusion going forward. You will find that most of the key event's are the same.

Originally Edited by Golden Vision, KMCA, bkster, General onefishtwofish, FrozenMasquerade, Loeden, Chaotic Mind and many others. All editorial writes have since gone to Koekelbag.

Chapters (17)
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Comments ( 683 )

Will totally fucking read later. :moustache:

Sounds like a great premise. Go forth and deliver, but remember to write well!

Shinning Armor filled with pearl Shining is prepared

Hm. I like the idea of this story. Adding it to my favorites!

Although, there are a couple of grammar and spelling mistakes. You could work on those. Overall......great job.

2169994>>2170026 I was really anxious to get this story out. I'm sure there are plenty of error's I missed. They should all big fixed Monday night.

Shortly after the coronation, he confides his feeling to Cadence about his thoughts. She tells Shinning Armor of a legend about six artifacts that if collected, could grant a pony one wish. For Shinning Armor, he would like nothing more to spend eternity with his loving wife and his adorable little sister. Thought the jouney is filled with pearl, Shining is prepared to return an Alicorn, or die a Unicorn.

Shining

Peril

Journey

Edit: Well, after reading this, although thoroughly intrigued, I must wonder whether you have an editor. If not, I'm always open.

you've been a nice start up but there are a lot of typos.

Shinning Armor

why does everyone do this

2170051 I understand; I do that all the time. I really do love the idea of this story, though. :twilightsmile:

2170307 You know originally this story was called My Immortal Big Brother. It was going to be a comedy about Shining going to ponyville to show of his wings to his sister. After the Mystery Cure, I decided to change the title and make a dark adventure story instead. I think I made the right choice.

2170343 I agree. This made for a very interesting story. :twilightsmile:

Are you using a speech-recognition program and dictating this? Because a lot of the errors are exactly what one could expect from such a situation...

MANLY TEARS I WON'T YOU STOP!!!!!!!!!!!:fluttercry:

If you're going to post up anything, be it a comment or a full story chapter, at least go over it first to make sure all the errors are ironed out first. Hell, have a text-to-speech program read it out to you or something AT LEAST.

Speech recognition for a first draft is fine as long as you clean up afterwards, since there is every reason for you to at least make sure the story makes sense rather than being, quite frankly, a barely intelligible mess.

...the grammar mistakes... they burn...

I have found your story very intriguing to say the least. However, I have found various spelling and grammatical mistake. If you like you could send your next chapter to me before posting and I will proofread it for you. Despite what my username hints, I am actually well educated.

I have found your story intriguing to say the least. However, I have noticed various spelling and grammatical mistakes. If you like, you could send your story to me before posting and I will proofread it for you. Despite what my username hints, I am quite well educated.

A most excellent start... keep up the good work cause I want to know what happens! :rainbowhuh:

TYPOS! EVERYHWHWEHREHREHRWER HAGHHHHH
Cadence let a very long sigh has she looked at her handsome some.
*son
He was a male Alicorn with a Sapphire coat and a dark purple mane.
*alicorn, sapphire

About a week ago, Shining Armor began to feel a lot of pain in his hear.
*heart Also, it would be better to say he felt pain in his chest.

However, she saw right threw his deception
*through

"I know your upset, but try not to cry in front of your Father. We want his last days on earth to be happy." she almost began to cry herself but she kept it in. "It would make him sad if he saw us crying."
*father.
*"We...

After seeing one of her friends die of old age already, the last thing she wanted was to go threw more heart ache.
*through

Just than the doctor came out of the door and spoke to the three Alicorns.
then*

I give up...

Please reread your work at least once before posting. There are many programs that can be used to get rid of your simple errors such as Google Docs or Microsoft Word.

Comment posted by TehPonies deleted Feb 24th, 2013

Hi there! :pinkiesmile:

That's a really nice story you have here. It's quite interesting for me, but I must admit there are quite a few spelling mistakes. If you like I can point them out for you.
excusemeifimissafew
I won't fix the grammar mistakes because I suck at grammar myself

Cadence let a very long sigh has she looked at her handsome some.

Some -> son.

He was a male Alicorn with a Sapphire coat and a dark purple mane.

I believe that alicorn doesn't need a capital letter, as well as sapphire. Sapphire would need a capital if it was a name, for example Sapphire Shores.

Like his father before him, he was the captain of the royal guard back in Canterlot, though that would not be the case for long.

Royal guard -> Royal guardS. I think.

About a week ago, Shining Armor began to feel a lot of pain in his hear. Cadence took him the Doctor only to discover that his heat was failing.

On the first sentence, hear needs the 't' on the end. In the second sentence it needs the 'r'

Just than, the hallway door swung open to reveal a short purple alicron galloping threw.

than -> then, alicron -> alicorn threw -> through.

"Please tell me I'm not to late."

to -> too

After seeing one of her friends die of old age already, the last thing she wanted was to go threw more heart ache.

threw once again should be through.

Just than the doctor came out of the door and spoke to the three Alicorns.

than is supposed to be then, alicorns once again I believe don't need capitalization.

His beautiful wife, his noble son, and his brilliant little sister where all standing there watching him.

where -> were

Twilight let a small smile onto her face, thought it was touph to muster.

touph -> tough

She stopped her self from say wrinkly.

say -> saying.

Shining Armor began to violently cough before turned his head towards his son. "Hey champ, how are those solders doing. I'm sure you've done everything I've taught you to keep those stallions alert and ready."

Before turned -> Before turning/Before he turned solders - soldiers..?

Diamond Dogs and changeling will think twice before messing with us.

"I'm really proud of you champ. I'm sure that when I'm gone, you'll help the empires solders become just has devoted and at the ready has Canterlot's."

changeling -> changelings. solders -> Should this be soldiers again?

"Please don't talk like that Dad. You'll make it threw this just like the time me and you fought those Yetis all those years ago. They beat us up pretty bad, but in the end, we managed to survive."

"Its ok son, I've been ready for this for a wile now. My only regret is that you still haven't gotten me grandchildren yet."

"I told you, I'm holding out for the right mare. After all I have all the time in the world right."

threw -> through. wile -> while. Also, I know I said I wouldnt do any grammar, but I can do a basic one. " After all I have all the time in the world, right? "

I fell like my world is crashing down on me.

Feel/felt ( felt -> past tense )

If I didn't, I and you would never have met. Oh Shinning, the decades we spent together have been the best years of my life.

I and you -> Me and you.. I think makes more sense I guess. Shinning -> Shining

Because I don't have all the time in the world, I'll leave it here. It's just I have to go very soon but I will continue later. If you would like/want an editor, then I'm always free. Don't feel down about others criticizing you about your grammar and spelling, it could happen to anyone!

Your Sincerely,
Eternal Inspiration~

2171343 Dont worry, I think I can manage it. isnotevenatthehalfwaypointinmycomment

All grammar error's will be fixed by Monday night.

My gawd.

You need a proof reader. Good plot though

Man you need an editor the story has promise but these spelling and grammar errors are a bit jarring. Overall your story shows promise keep it up.

Man you need an editor the story has promise but these spelling and grammar errors are a bit jarring. Overall your story shows promise keep it up.

She tells Shining Armor of a legend about six artifacts that if collected, could grant a pony one wish.

images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120620232620/dragonball/images/2/24/DragonBalls.jpg
I know there's seven of them, but it seems way too similar to be coincidence :rainbowderp:.

*Reads the description*

Ooh does he run into an annoying blue haired pony and a talking pig?:pinkiehappy:

2171785 2171728
One look at the description and I had the exact same thought hahah

2171785 Does he turn blonde and start throwing light around?

Cadence let a very long sigh has she looked at her handsome some.

This is one of numerous spelling and grammar errors.

Also, the first paragraph really needs some "show don't tell", it's never a good idea to tell you EXACTLY how a character looks all at once at the very beginning. Maybe say that Cadance "looked up at her tall, handsome son", then forget about most of his physical appearance (possibly throw in him pruning his wing feathers, "careful not to pull out too much of the purple accent inherited from his mother").
Now, maybe I'm taking it a step too far, but what really bothers me is his color scheme- where would his sapphire coat come from? Neither parent has blue fur, and I don't know if sapphire really shouts "CRYSTAL SWORD" to me. A white or gray coat with a dark purple mane (as before) might do better. I don't know. It's your choice really.

TL;DR- Lots of writing errors, doesn't flow well, Crystal Sword's colors don't make sense.

Its good but quite a few spelling errors. Please fix these.

How did this get featured? There are way too many spelling and grammar errors here.:ajbemused:

I know you are brobably sick of these but is Shining going to get stronger every time he almost dies?:rainbowlaugh:

This has a lot of potential. It does. But you need an editor, time yesterday. There are so many spelling and grammar errors. The story is good, but...

I really like the idea behind this story, but please get an editor

Now I'm curious. Why does everyone assume Twilight will live forever? Has this been confirmed somewhere? Cause I don't remember hearing anything about this. As far as I know Twilight will still be just as "mortal" as anypony else. Am I wrong? Please correct me if I am.


// Sphex

2172263 My personal opinion is that she is mortal, but in this story she isn't.

I will fix the grammar people. Hold your jimmies till Monday and keep your hands off that dislike bar.

2172263 Because most if not all Alicorns are immortal.

This is gonna be so awesome! I'll read when it's done!

Awesome concept, it has been said enough by now that there are a few grammatical errors, no doubt they've all been pointed out to you. I can't wait for more!

2171391 Thank you. This will save me time. I'm making changes as we speak.

like and fave to see how this goes:pinkiehappy:

Good premise, but there's a helluva lot of mistakes in here, to the point where it's nearly unreadable. You know how when you're submit the story, it's "publishing" it? Publishing does not mean rough draft, it means finished. Whatever mistakes are left might be one or two for the duration of the story.
TL;DR Get the minor errors fixed before uploading. I highly suggest an editor/beta reader.

Does Shining have to fight to stop the Necromorph scourge? Just hoping. Since you said "Filled with peril"

2171391 you and I, not me and you. subject not object.

Interesting plot, gonna see where this is going

SHE IS'NT IMMORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She just grew wings.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9hksk074c1r50mmk.gif
F's sake. :facehoof:

So this a journey for Shining to become immortal like his loved ones... fascinating:moustache:

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