• Member Since 4th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 17 hours ago

Dash Attack


Aspiring film editor. When I write I shoot for awesome and nothing less. Anti-censorship and pro free-speech.

T
Source

My name is Steve Anello, son of Tony Anello. My old man runs the streets of Chicago with an iron fist. He's the big shot around these parts. However that's all about to change. Today is May 1, which means I'm turning 25. I don't know it yet, but my life as well as my body is going to be forever altered. It's going to be tough in the beginning but once I learn to control these "power's", I'm taking over Dad's operation. That is, if the rest of his boys will listen to a talking magical horse with a blood-red horn.

Rated T for language, some sexual references, and violence.

This is my contribution to Twisted Spectrum's awesome Five Score Universe.

Part Two Has Begun. Also, this story will tie in with another Five Score fic called, A Love For Madness. Read both to see events from different perspectives.

Chapters (17)
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Comments ( 317 )

A great attention-grabbing side story, I must say. I'm following F.S.D.F. as well, and this surely has the potential to flow well with it. :D

MOAR.

Hm... My biggest problem with this is that you don't appear to have an editor. There's a lot of typos and punctuation errors.

Not to rag on you, but, get this to an editor's shop, fast.

2524118

I suggest doing what I do before publishing; read it thirty or so times yourself once you are done editing. Don't just read straight through every time, do random words out of random sentences, only letting your eyes skim the look of the words, not reading them. I find that really helps to spot mistakes like forgetting spaces here and there or putting one too many of a letter in a word, (repeatting, for example,)

* facepalm*
and here I though it was about spike...
lso, facepalm is now a word
:yay:

'he would probably put a bullet in my school'
Huh, never heard that one before.

And
'We're going to go with these gentlemen to pull off an armed robbery at that shiny new bank, if you know what I mean. '
A bit straight to the point for a "if you know wat i mean" moment don't you think?

Why not " We're going to go with these gentlemen to that shiny new bank to make a major withdrawl, if you know what i mean."

2531276 Thanks for pointing that out. I'll fix it latter. I normally have stories looked at multiple editors to avoid mistakes like this. I'll try and be more careful next time. :twilightblush:

Edit: It's done. I found some other mistakes in there to.

I think there could have been more to the whole SHOOTING A MAN WITH A SHOTGUN. Also, there are a few errors that autocorrect or something probably played a part of.

Still...you deserve a mustache :moustache:

i have a feeling David is not going to be happy to see Steven.....:twilightoops:

:trixieshiftleft:
:trixieshiftright:
:fluttershysad: < I believe the word is "heist"...)

whats funny is that is was 9:10 Pm when I finished I am not fucking you.:rainbowlaugh:

All this autocorrect, it's giving me cancer!

2553525 PM the sections to me. Let me ease your suffering.

You typed strper instead of striper, coach instead of couch and propboly instead of probably

2558513 Only three after publishing. It's a new record... for me at least. :ajsleepy:

2558581
I dont care if its spelled fjdjcnecbijedijcdcsjhfherfijhfsdhisdfjkhsafhidfjhk
I was telling them the mistakes I noticed!
D:K

A lot of grammar mistakes in this chapter; I'm not going to bother listing them all, as I'm on my iPhone.

Ignoring that, it was still a good read.

2558609 I knew I should have waited for one more person to read threw it before posting. I'm really impulsive like that. :derpyderp1: I'll that. Still glad you were able to get something out of this. I'll try and be more careful next time.

2558652

Ahh! Sorry again about all the stuff I missed when editing. Like I said earlier, really out of it today.


On a side note, I love the names you are using for your chapters. Very amusing.


2558516

Really Shadow? Not just firsting, but seconding and thirding? Really?

2558869 You should see the names I came up with for Harkey in Equestria. Every chapter is references to at lest one YTP source. Mostly Zelda CDI

Edit: It's ok. It's hard to find everything.

“Unless I can bring back the dead, that’s all I can due. I’m sure as hell not going to prison because of...” I fick my long hair back with my hand. “Whatever the hell this is. David, what’s going gone? Are we turning into some weird punk rock band?”

due should be do
fick should be flick
gone should be on

“But this tale so tight in these clothes.” Whined Rudy. “I need to make room for it.”

When they return, Rudy comes out with a short horse tale running down the back of a new cut hole in his pants. While I stared in a look of horror in confusion, Rudy was jumping up and down like he had just won the lottery.

I turn around to face him after checking to see if Rudy was right about the whole tale thing.

it should be Tail not Tale :twilightsheepish:

Rudy has the right idea, don't morn the growing of a tail, embrace it. I know that I would. I've thought that it would be awesome to have a tail for a while now.

Great way to deal with voices in your head.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit sooooooon...

:pinkiecrazy:

god this story needs an editor
good story line
terrible typos

2579048 Sounds like my work. I actually had this looked over by two people this time. I don'y know how much more editing I can do. Once I'm home for the summer, I should get my folks to look at some of them before i publish.

It's no news that my grammar sucks. I try and make up for it as best I can but its hard for me than for most people. Glad you like it so far though. :twilightblush:

The scene then cuts to the villain who get’s an awesome rock song that kind of reminded me of that one song from Anastasia.

~In the dark of the night evil will find her
In the dark of the night just before dawn!
Revenge will be sweet
When the curse is complete!
In the dark of the night
She'll be gone!

Never actually saw the movie, but i fucking love that song (speaking of which, there's a sombra version on youtube if you haven't heard it)

2579414 I heard the Sombra version a few days ago. As for Anastasia. The movie is meh, but it has some outstanding music. This is another one that has stayed with me even till this day. Once Upon a December. Ironically it's the song that comes just before in the Dark of The Night.

Context: She is sing about her amnesia and how the burnt the Romanov Mansion is failure

Like Discord said to Twilight all those years ago, ‘maybe the magic of friendship can help me.’”

:facehoof:anyone trusting the spirit of CHAOS to be anything but evil or at least annoying is/was a fucking MORON (kids show or not)

in the words of a great philosopher: "you just went full retard."

2579470 I think he was just taking a funny line from the show and twisting it to fit the situation. David might be a little gullible but I don't think he's stupid enough to knowingly trust Discord.

2579570 I was more referring to twilight, her friends, and celestia.

they may not have completely trusted Discord, but they still somewhat trusted him, which ultimately led to their current predicament.

You ruined the build up.”

You mad bro...er...me?:trollestia:

2578048 David: The voices shouldn't piss-off me

2579210 Would you like me to try editing it? I'm already one of Flutters Glasses' pre-readers for his story, "The Evolution of Stan".

2579414 Do you know that that movie has a sequel (or at least a spinoff)? Bartok got his own movie.:rainbowlaugh:

2579470

:facehoof:anyone trusting the spirit of CHAOS to be anything but evil or at least annoying is/was a fucking MORON (kids show or not)

To be fair, chaos does not equal evil. Just as the moon needs the sun for harmony to be maintained, so too does order need chaos. Neither is inherently evil, it's just when things become unbalanced that disharmony is formed, and problems arise.
Discord's problem was the "Disharmony" part of his title of "Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony".
Annoying, however...Well, what else do you expect? He's the Spirit of Chaos.

2580049 Sure. I'll PM when I'm finished with chapter 5. Just be warned. There is normally lot of red in my rough drafts.

I hold my hand up to stop him. “Wait, as outlandish as this story is, I need you to clarify one thing. You ponies wear clothes?”
My reflection slammed his hands on the sink and glared at me. “It’s an optional luxury, let me finish. You ruined the build up.”

That right there made my day. Night. Time of life? Whatever, it was awesome.

2583502 If that's the case you've just made mine. :twilightsmile:

“I didn’t want to kill him. Everyone including the boys were freaking out over my eyes. The voice wanted me to shoot a little girl and her mom. I fought back and one so he told me to kill the man instead. I lost my self for a minute, but in the end it was me who pulled the trigger. Felt really bad after words but I also felt powerful. Everyone was so afraid of what I had become. I felt like a god. That’s why I hate myself. I shouldn’t be feeling the way I feel. It’s like another side of me is that was always their is finally coming out.”

:facehoof:Should say won:facehoof:

I figure my mind must be going on a tangent to prevent me from making this decision. “He not going to have anywhere to sleep tonight, and he could hurt someone out their. In I can help him get control of his insanity. But if I can’t my brother and I will could end up dead.

:facehoof:Should say there:facehoof:

There are several other errors, but I don't feel like re-finding them. They are fairly obvious, so they should not be too hard to find. There are some punctuation errors, like missing commas, but those are forgivable, because everyone makes them and they are more difficult to spot. Putting in a entirely different word, however, is something else entirely. Replacing won with one is an unforgivable crime not tolerated by the grammar police. Unless both writer and character are both drunk. Then you get a warning.

2583802 I promise it won't happen again officer. Why doesn't G-docs have the green lines from Microsoft Word. Those were so helpful :raritycry:.

2581023 O.K., until then then. Thanks for the warning.

2584119 You won't be alone, I know a lot of volunteer editors. I'm finding that you can't get enough of them.

2579210yes it is a good story
id just suggest reding it outloud after your edditors check it
filter EVERYTHING

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