Luna led Shining Armor to the guest bedroom and instructed him to lie down. When he was comfortable, he looked up at Luna.
“Just go to sleep,” she said. “I’ll guide your subconscious to Cadence. Keep in mind that she could be dreaming about anything. Are you sure you want to do this?”
Shining Armor nodded. “I need to let Cadence know that I’m alright. I’m feeling really guilty about not telling her where I was going or what I’m planning to do, but I think she already knows.”
Luna sighed. “Very well. Close your eyes and rest.”
As Shining Armor shut his eyes, Luna’s horn began to glow light blue. As she channeled her magic, Shining thought only of Cadence as he slowly drifted off to sleep.
------------
When Shining Armor opened his eyes, the only thing he could see was blackness. Using his horn as a lantern, Shining illuminated the room. He was in a cave that he remembered all too well from his captain days.
These are the crystal caverns directly below Canterlot. What Am I doing here?
It took him a few seconds to fully recall everything. He was supposedly in Cadence's dream, right?
Is she dreaming all this? Why in Equestria would she... Our wedding! She told me the queen had her locked up in here for days. If she’s dreaming about this then that means...
“GET AWAY FROM ME YOU WITCH!” A loud voice echoed from behind one of the walls of crystal.
“Cadance!” Shouted Shining. “Back away from the wall, I’m coming in.”
A large stream of magical energy blasted from his horn and obliterated the wall from which he heard the echo’s. When the debris cleared, he saw two figures, one a very injured Cadance while the other was a face he hoped to never see again.
“He left you, Cadence. He left you and now you're at my mercy. Too bad I don’t have any time to spare.”
“You’re a liar,” Cadence shouted, eyes dripping with tears and mascara. “Shining would never abandon me.”
This is all my fault. She’s having this nightmare because of me. I have to put an end to this.
With blind fury, Shining Armor charged Chrysalis, his horn glowing bright purple and his eyes glistening with anger.
“LEAVE HER ALONE!” He screamed and rammed his horn right into the left side of the changeling’s chest. She turned her head at the enraged stallion as her body became overcome with fear.
“No, that’s impose-”
Before she could finish her sentence, Shining released the magic within his horn. He watched as the queen's body exploded in a surge of radiant, purple light. When the light cleared, the only thing remaining of Chrysalis was her crown.
Shining turned his head to face Cadence, whose eyes were sparkling like the crystals in the wall. However, despite the happy look on her face, beneath the surface she expressed nothing but sadness.
“You came back.” she said, as she brushed a tear from her eye. “She told me you left, that you’d rather have her as your queen. I knew she was lying. I just kn...kne... kne...”
Cadence covered her eyes with her hooves and burst into tears.
Shining thought for a moment and planned his words carefully.
“Cadence, I’m not really here. This is all a dream. I’m with your Aunt Luna right now, and that’s why I’m able to speak to you like this. I’ve come to tell you that I’m alright, and I’m sorry I left without any warning. I never meant to cause you any pain. I guess I was so distressed last night that I wasn’t really thinking.”
Shining slowly trotted toward Cadence and wrapped her up in his hooves.
“I might not be here physically, but my love will always be able to find you and protect you.”
Shining and Cadence sat and hugged each other in silence for what seemed like an eternity. They had only been apart for one day, yet both missed each other greatly. They were incomplete without each other.
As Shining wiped the last of tears with his hoof, Cadence gazed into his bright blue eyes.
“I’ve been worried sick all day,” she said softly. “Ever since I woke up to discover you were gone, I’ve done nothing but worry. I should have never told you about that stupid legend. Please come back.”
Shining Armor nodded. “I will, but not yet. Thanks to your aunt Luna, I was able to acquire one of the harmony gems you told me about. I passed the trial of honesty. If I come back now, I’ll never know if I’m worthy or not.”
Cadence stared at him with pleading eyes. “But, by the time you find you're not worthy, you’ll be dead. I can’t bear the thought of losing you. I’m scared I might go ma....”
“That’s why I need to do this, so you and Twilight will never have to worry about my mortality ever again. I know that if I do fail, you're all going to be hurt more than if I died of old age. That’s why I can’t afford to fail. If there is anything I learned from Truth, it’s that I can’t accomplish anything by giving in to fear. I know you're afraid and alone right now, but I promise I’ll come back. Once I’ve passed one or two more trials, I’m going to come back to the Empire and take a break. I really don’t want Twilight or Celestia to find out about this. Plus, there’s something I need to get to the bottom of. I’m afraid that’s all I can tell you.”
Suddenly, a large gust of wind began to blow within in the cave. It blew as if the two of them were out in an open field, as opposed to the enclosed cavern of crystals.
“It looks like my time is up. I’m one with honesty now, so you're going to have to trust me when I say this. I’m not going to die, and once I find the scepter and become one with the other spirits, I never will.”
Within moments, Shining was pulled backward by an invisible force as Cadence and the cave began to fade away. All the while, Cadence stretched out her right hoof, hoping to pull him back, but he was long gone.
---------
That same night, Prince Blueblood gazed down at the city below from his room in Canterlot Castle pondering his life. He had just finished reading the gossip column of today's Equestria Daily. The article that caught his attention was spread out on his armchair. It read Prince Blueblood goes into seclusion in the weeks following coronation.
While the article did bother him, that wasn’t the only thing on his mind.
Why, great Creator, why was I denied my birthright? All my research tells me that I should have been born an alicon. Mother carried the gene, and both her and father were extremely gifted in magic. Yet for some reason, I was born mortal while my lovely little sister was born a goddess. I’ve studied it my whole life, and it still doesn’t make any sense to me. At least I wasn’t denied my nobility once everypony knew me and my family were descendants of Gaia. Still... I’ve never truly gotten the admiration I deserve.
Without warning, memories of the past came flooding back to him like a rushing river.
“Mommy, why does Cadence have wings and I don’t?”
“I don’t know honey, but aren’t they so cute.”
“Blueblood, old bean, you must introduce me to your sister so I can ask her hoof in marriage. Do you know if the alicorn gene is hereditary? I don’t want any son or daughter of mine to be denied the luxury of enteral greatness… Ehrm, no offense dear friend.”
“So you’re Canterlot royalty huh? Where are your wings?”
“So you and Shining Armor are the only royals without wings now. You better make sure your brother in-law doesn’t suddenly sprout them like his sister did.”
He tried to stop all the memories from pouring into his head without success. Finally, he just screamed at the top of his lungs and slammed his hoof into the wall. Luckily, none of his paintings or antiques were knocked over.
“Keep it together Blueblood.” he said to himself. He always found a good self-talk was a great way to calm down sometimes... at least for a little while. “Ponies are still talking about Twilight and it irritates me to no end. To think I actually had to leave Fancypants’s party just because she decided to make an appearance! Oh sweet aunt Celestia do I hate her.”
As Blueblood stared at the window, he poured himself a glass of champagne and gulped it down, before refilling the glass again and again. When the entire bottle was empty, he slouched his flank onto his armchair and closed his drunken eyes.
”You look like you're having some alicorn troubles. You do realise drinking isn’t going to make them go away?”
He opened his eyes as a deep raspy voice rang out across the room. He frantically searched the room, only to find that he was the only pony there.
“Keep looking old chap, you’ll never be able to find me. However, you don’t have worry. I am a friend.”
“Who the devil are you.” Blueblood asked in a drunken slur. “What are you doing in my private chambers. Commoners are not allowed in here!
“Who I am is not important,” said the mysterious voice, “But I can tell you, I am no commoner. What is important, however, is how nature has neglected you. What should have been yours at birth was denied by fate, and now ponies with no ties whatsoever to the royal family are enjoying the luxuries that, by all rights, should be yours.”
“Get out of my room before I call the night guard on you. If you don’t get out this instant; they’ll disintegrate you. They’re really good at that, you know.”
A high pitched demonic laugh echoed, which seemed to emanate from the shadows. Even while being heavily intoxicated, Blueblood knew that shadows couldn’t laugh. Somepony had to be in the room. As the voice’s laughter died down, it continued to speak.
“I’m afraid petty unicorn magic would have no effect on me, since there is nothing left for them to disintegrate. Now listen to me. Your brother in-law is planning to become an alicorn using the Scepter of Harmony. If he succeeds, you will be the only royal family member without wings. Your birth right will be shamed once again by a pony who lacks divine blood. Tell me, your highness, how does that make you feel?”
Blueblood gritted his teeth as a light blue aura began to emanate from his horn. His magic took hold of the small glass that he had been drinking out of moments before. Without warning he chucked it the wall and watched it shatter.
“Why that filthy commoner!” said Blueblood, panting wile he spoke. "Who does he think he is? There is no way in hell that I’m going to let that pretender have what should have been mine at birth. I told Cadence he was no good. If he has figured out a way, he better tell me how I can awaken the alicorn inside, me or suffer the consequences!”
The voice continued to laugh: “I’m afraid what Shining is attempting is a feat I highly doubt you can pull off. However, there is something you can do.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s simple. All you have to do is kill him. After that, I’ll show you how to become truly immortal.”
Blueblood shook his head with a look of disgust. “I am appalled you even suggestion I get my hooves all bloody. Wait... do I need to be the one to kill him, or can I send somepony else to do it instead? As much as I love inflicting unimaginable pain unto that pretender, I do not want to risk his filthy commoner blood staining my recently groomed coat”
So long has your actions lead to his demise, you will be greatly rewarded.
Blueblood smiled as his vision began to blurry: “That’s good. That’s goo..."
Before he could finish, Blueblood passed out on the armchair, and the room fell into dead silence.
-----------
The next morning, Shining Armor woke up and reflected on the events from the night before, from Truth’s trial to his meeting with Cadence. He looked around the guest room to find that somepony had brought his saddlebag and cloak to the room. This saved him the trouble of scouring the whole castle looking for it. He checked his saddlebag to make sure everything was there, when he found something he didn't quite expect. Somepony had placed the harmony gem in his bag, along with five enchanted purses containing a thousand bits each.
Once Shining strapped on his saddlebag with his magic, he noticed something else beside his bed: It was a longsword, with a small crescent moon adorning it’s golden hilt. It’s sheath was decorated with stars, comets, and the constellations.
As Shining removed the sword from it’s sheath, he became immediately transfixed at the expert craftsmanship of the weapon. Even while using telekinesis, Shining could tell that the blade was perfectly balanced. It was light enough for him swifty maneuver - either with his hooves or with his magic, and sturdy enough to parry even the strongest of blows. In addition, the blade seemed extremely sharp. Even though the room was almost void of sunlight, strobes of light gleamed brightly off the face of the blade.
“This blade used to be mine, you know. Now it is yours.”
Shining turned around to see Princess Luna standing right behind him in the doorway.
“I used that blade during the ancient war with the Griffon Kingdom.” Luna continued, looking thoughtfully at the blade. “While a formidable blade during the day, it is even more deadly during the night. As you can imagine, being able to call upon the night helps. I entrust this sword to you, so that you may be kept safe on your journey.”
“This is really all too much. I don’t feel right taking this sword, let alone all the bits you snuck into my bag.”
“The only reason I’m giving them to you is so that you may survive the hardships yet to come. Like it or not, you will need all the help you can get if you are to survive this quest. Remember, the last thing I want is for Cadence to face anymore grief. Both of her parents were killed in a train crash about five years ago. As one would imagine, she and her brother are still recovering from their loss. Being the daughter of a god, I don’t know what it’s like to lose a father or a mother. However, I do know what it is like to lose a sister.”
For a second Shining Armor almost thought he saw a tear shimmer down Luna’s eyes, but her face showed no signs of emotion.
“Thank you for your help, princess, I’ll make sure to take good care of your blade. I hope I never have to use it.”
“It would be miracle if you didn’t. The road you're traveling is filled with mortal peril, but you must survive so that Cadence may not suffer anymore pain. Now, please come downstairs with me. There is one more thing we must do before I send you away from this mountain.”
Luna escorted Shining Armor to the main hall where Captain Shadow Wing and Lieutenant Night Fang were waiting for them. As Shining made his way down the grand staircase he couldn’t help but think something was a little bit off with Night Fang, It was like some new sense had awoken within his brain and was telling him to be vigilant.
That’s weird. Why do I get this funny feeling when I look at him? Its like my mind is telling me to be cautious about him. But he’s hasn’t done or said anything to make me feel like this.
As the two royal ponies finished making their way down the stairs, Luna turned to face him. “Shining Armor, both Shadow and Night have agreed to accompany you on your journey, but I’m afraid only one may join you. If you do not chose one of them, I will chose for you. As I mentioned before you will need all the help you can get if you have any hope of succeeding. Should you refuse an escort, I have instructed both of them to follow you against your will.”
Shining Armor became deep in thought as his eyes alternated between the two guards. His mysterious sixth sense was still agitating him whenever he looked at Night Fang. Was this what Truth meant when he said that he could now “see through deception.”? Whatever he was feeling, he figured he should listen to it.
“Shadow, if you're willing, I would like you to accompany me on this journey. I feel really bad that after all these years as captain of the Solar Guard, I never got to meet you until today.”
“I am more than just willing,” said Shadow. “Finally, after a thousand and three years, our regiments will finally become one army again. As you know, the lunar guard has been trying to re-establish itself for about 3 years. With so few thestrals left in this world, the Lunar Guard as it stands now is mostly unicorns. We’re working on a potion that will turn willing pegasi into thestrals, but it’s still years in the making. I thought I was going to have to wait decades before I could work alongside a member of the celestial guard... However, fate has given us the opportunity to work together like the captains of old. As both soldier and a protector, I have never felt more happy in my life.”
“But technically I'm not the Captain anymore.”
Shadow’s silt eyes shot wide open upon hearing that, but shrank after a few moments. “Meh, this is close enough.”
After everypony was done laughing, Shadow and Shining said their farewells to Night Fang and Luna, and then the princess used her her magic to teleport both adventurers down the mountain. When they were gone Night Fang closed his eyes as a voice rang in his head.
Were you chosen?
I’m sorry your grace, but he chose the captain instead.
That’s too bad. I've been dying to get back at him ever since he chucked me all the way to Wuvy-Dovey Smoochy Land. If he is in fact after the gems, he’ll have to come my way eventually, whether by force or by his own will. Still, I prefer force. Keep pretending to be that pathetic bat creature for the time being. I’ll send one of the 13 to fetch our friend.
--------
Meanwhile in Canterlot
The Royal Guard stood ready and alert as he and his battalion of pegasi waited for Prince Blueblood to speak. As he did, they all wondered what the prince could possibly want with them.
“Loyal soldiers of Equestria,” shouted Blueblood. “I have just received word that Prince Shining Armor has abandoned the kingdom that our divine princesses bestowed upon him. I have received reports that he is trying to do something that could potentially endanger his life. All report’s suggest he is not acting like himself. He has attacked several guards who were only trying to help him. You must find him so that we may restore him to sound mind.”
He paused for a moment to focus on everything his acting coach had taught him about faking tears. As water dripped down his face, his voice became soft.
“I don’t know what has come over my brother in-law. All I know is that my sister must be in great pain. As a noble prince of Equestria, and as a loving and caring brother, it is my duty to make sure Shining Armor is brought back here unharmed.”
This way I can see him bleed myself. From a distance of course. I wouldn’t want to get my coat all red, now would I.
The guards began to talk amongst themselves.
“What could he possibly be trying to do?”
“Has somepony cast an insanity spell on him?”
“The captain would never act violently to one of his former soldiers. What in Equestria could have come over him?”
A small smile crept onto Bluebloods face.
This will teach you not to steal what should have been mine from the very beginning
God damnit Blueblood.
Blueblood, you goddess-damned loser, hope this bites you in the flank real soon.
-Mis
IS there a level that blueballs won't find and manage to stand tall and proud of himself for finding?
Blueblood...STAY AWAY FROM SHINING OR ELSE.
2397792>>2397734>>2397681>>2397624
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2397921 :3 Idea. IDEA. Wouldn't it be just lovely if Blueblood not only boned this up, but, somehow, as a result of boning it up, gets his gender swapped...? Think of the delicious... chaos....
Well, I don't think anypony would be that stupid; they're probably going to figure it out once they find him.
2398243 You ever see Shutter Island. According to that movie, once your diagnosed as crazy, anything you say can be dismissed has just being part of your psychosis. Hopefuly some of the guards will see threw the vale of deception and believe Shining is still sane.
2397921 images.wikia.com/mlp/images/6/64/FANMADE_YEAH!!!.gif
Blueblood needs more love
now the story is becoming a struggle of 3 fronts, this is getting better by the chapter and i love it just be gentle and benevolent to the poor people that will become addicted to your story (i´m already am )
saw two little mistakes
I think you meant to put an exclamation point instead or may be just a period, and
accidental backslash.
but enough grammar nazi
I liked this chapter, I'm guessing that Night Fang is a changeling talking to Queen Chrysalis? (if it was obvious yo begin with I missed it) That's rather a welcomed idea IMO and I think that Blueblood got a bit more jealous than anticipated, I thought he would have refused at first then eventually given in, but whats done is done and the chapter along with the story is exciting and amazing. I shall await for the next chapter.
Four different forces are in motion.
Shining as the good, Blueblood as the tool, Entropy as the evil and the changelings as the alternative.
This is one exciting show. Now, if we added one more good here, say Discord proving Entropy he's the better chaos?
He check his saddlebag to make.- should be He checked his saddlebag to make.
with stars, coment’s, and the constellations- should be comets.
teleport both adventures down the mountain- should be Adventurers.
chose the Icaptain instead.
A good read barring the errors.
You should invest in a proofreader
2397921
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Oh dear. This story just got a whole lot more real. I love it!
Would you like a proofreader perchance? Because I'm finding a lot of elementary errors in here, like missing capitalization (you failed to capitalize "Shining" at least twice), typos (I don't think lcaptain is a word), or incorrect word choice. The errors become so frequent towards the end that ignoring them is a chore and that hurts the story for me as a reader.
So if you'd like a proofreader, I'm willing to assist.
2399788 I'm always looking for more editors. However, joining my team might take the fun out of the story. If your still up for it I'll PM you when I finsh chapter 5 finshed.
2399233 I'll fix those. Also I left Entropy's proposal open ended. Blueblood could have very well had second thoughts before caving into his dark impulse. Either that or Entropy just stared at him the whole time.
Good song to listen to when this part starts:
2400450
oh ok just wondered why it was done so quickly. but i see where you are coming from thanks for clearing that up
2400124 Yeah I'm up for it. Gimme a shout once Chapter 5 is done.
I suppose i am one of the few people who feels kinda sorry for Blueblood? I mean, look at it from his point. The flashbacks certainly make me feel like his angst is justified, not that i'm saying that he is totally in the right. I am just concerned that everybody is going to see blueblood as the bad guy and forget why he is so.
ooooh now this was an awesome chapter. :D :D :D
hmm I have two things for you to think about. I wonder when SA passes each trial should the other bearers of the elements get a feeling something is up? Like they know their element is somehow being shared with someone else?
Also about Twilight, it'd be cool if she was learning under Luna now. I like the idea of her sharing some of Luna's abilities as an Alicorn.
Something that could force Luna to spill the beans about SA or for Twi to discover on her own down the line. Perhaps when SA needs help?
2397921 No way!!! No love until you leave Shining Armour alone!!
Oh, no. And yet, awww, yeah.
This is some great stuff. Strangely enough, the most emotional part was indeed at the beginning. When we see shining armor reunite with Cadence in the subconscious world. And to save her from being destroyed by Crysalis, Awesome. And how he promised to take a break. That's surprisingly considerate for a stallion on a quest. Ah, love.
And, it appears that with Shining Armor on the move, several long seated ills in equestria are being moved forward. Blueblood is now on the case to try to kill him. YOuuuuu big MEANIE!!!! But it seems he's being manipulated. But by who? By Discord? By Sombra? Both are disembodied at the moment, and both have a desire to return. Incidently, making Blueblood Cadence's Brother? A....troubling idea that the family would produce such 2 different ponies, but at the same time, it shows that Shining can't just kill him due to the family connection. But more than that, it appears that Crysalis has one of the harmony gems. If she does, then does that mean she was a victim of one of those gems, maybe of generosity? It's hard to say, but it's something that I'll definitely be keeping an eye on.
That being said, the rewrite does seem improved. You're allowing for a little more time for things to settle, and working to build up mystery and honesty in it all. Can't wait for the new update.
2404042 Next chapters going to be action heavy any way. But I'll keep that in mind.
i.imgur.com/0hzPmyD.png
I fixed up it little bit, and I made it nearly half in grey hue to symbolize the fading love.
It said there was a comment for me but it was deleted...WHAT DID IT SAY WHAT DID IT SAY?
2404616 I couldn't find one of the errors in the story, but than I found it.
2404125 I might use this. But our of circuity. Are you the original artist from Deviant Art.
living under the shadows of five alicorns. I cant blame bb for doing what hes doing
2405359 oh ok
There's nothing I'd like more than to see Shining smash Blueblood's face into his skull.
2404125 You know What? I'm sure the original artist wouldn't mind so long has a I keep him in the source link (which seem's to be broken because it doesn't take you to his DA page.) I'm going to swich the cover's. Thank you for taking to the time to spruce this up.
With the way he treated Rarity, and now halting Shining Armor, Blueblood definitely deserves his wings (You don't know it, but I'm being sarcastic). Nice work! K.I.U.! (Keep it up!)
2397921 remind me to not send shion after Blueblood because I would and I'd enjoy every minute of his suffering.
yes I love higurashi for it's darker elements.
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Shahrazad is currently away for a couple of days, so I'm posting his review for him:
This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: My Mortal Big Brother
Author: Dash Attack
Reviewed by: Shahrazad
My Mortal Big Brother is a story with big shoes to fill. It tries to balance action and drama, love and hate, life and death. It tries to show just how far we will go for those we love. My Mortal Big Brother shoots for the moon but comes up a little short. It still soars high, and even when it falters, readers will still enjoy the ride.
Full Review
Score: 7.5/10
2543462 Tell Shahrazad thank you for his review. I'm hoping to address some of the issue with my re-wright with a new villain. It's already in the works. I'm glad I was able to hit the high notes where they counted.
Wow...... Just wow
This is epic ,now please excuse me while I go kill blueblood
2543760 Can do.
2628437 Those would be to easy to answer. the purpose of the trial of truth is to ask personal questions that are either painful or difficult to answer. These questions were ask to help Shinning question his motives.
When is the next chapter!!! please be soon, because this story is VERY interesting! CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE
2658695 Next chapter??? I have know idea. But the rewrite is almost over. Then I can get back to a long waited chapter five. I'll going to post an annoucement chapter soon to notify everyone about the re wright. All chapters are going to be replaced soon. The events will be the same but ceratin plot points will be different and existing segments are more fleshed out.
The grammar of this story so far is in moderate need of improvement.
Not quite in "dire need" but getting close.
Still enjoying it.
2397624
NIce picture. MOAR CATBUG FOR ALL!
And here's where I stop reading. The story itself is fairly interesting, and I do want to know what happens, but that's not enough for me to continue ignoring the problems.
The first problem I had with the story is the dialogue. Everything comes across as very formal, which doesn't make much sense in many of the situations. The bigger problem is that all the characters' dialogue blends together. No single character can be distinguished from any other character by their dialogue, because they all speak in the same measured, formal manner. This is most apparent in Shiny's conversation with the Thestral guards in the previous chapter.
The tipping point was this chapter, where I ran into several very basic spelling errors of the "your/you're" and "there/their" sort. Occasional typos are understandable, but plain old using the wrong word? Less so. Especially for the most stereotypical examples of misused homonyms. (Ouch. Then I read your comments. Incorrect homonyms as far as the eye can see!)
Perhaps if the rest of the story was proofread as the previous chapters were, I'd've been able to continue reading. That's too bad. Hopefully you're able to fix these issues in the future.
Oh, look, prince Blueblood doesn't seem like the biggest jackass possible for once...
Oh? He even has a backstory?
That's... actually pretty sad...
You know, it's a nice change to see a friendly Blueblood every once in a whi...
Ah crap... nevermind.
Since this is a completed story I have several suggestions for you.
First: Stop whatever you're writing right now and clean up this story. You will get more readers for future stories if you show respect to what you've already written. The first three chapters, which is as far as I've gotten so far, are filled with spelling and grammar errors. Open up Microsoft Word, throw this story in there and do a spell check. That's not going to solve all your problems, but it will be a big boost in getting there.
Second: Do a thorough rereading of each chapter. Look for missing words and very awkward dialogue. An example of your awkward dialogue is Shadow's acceptance speech when Shining chooses him as a companion. Shadow goes off on a complete tangent about turning pegasi into thestrals. That has nothing to do with anything. It's a unique bit of world building, but it's just shoved so awkwardly into Shadow's comments to Shining.
Third: Get an editor. If you already have one for a current project have him/her work on this story as well or get a brand new editor specifically for this story. I think there's an entire group here on fimfiction dedicated to writer's resources, which includes editors. Or if hunting that group down is too much trouble write a blogpost asking for editors for this story. Generally many people are quite willing to do amateur editing for authors they like/follow.
These are only suggestions, but I hope you will take them to heart. Doing these things can only improve your writing. Better writing equals more readers. More readers equals more up votes. And more up votes means more pleasure with your own story and more confidence in your skills.