• Member Since 21st Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 27th, 2014

mareinthemoon


T

Silver spoon and Diamond tiara, the schools two most notorious bullies and totally BBFF (Besty best friends forever) Our unfortunate victims to their bullying time and time again have fallen into a rut, its to where they can mouth the duos insults line for line. But one day they take it too far and Apple Bloom tells them the cold hard truth the following events would shake the very foundation of everything they knew.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 25 )

whoa. this puts those two in a whole new light. :derpyderp1:

I'm sorry, a few things really annoyed me throughout reading.

Overall, a particular spelling of though used in here was written as if you were texting. "Tho" Never use texting language when writing please.

You could always work on your spacing too after you use ellipses... Like that.

Your sections are too short, it feels like
--------
Nothing happened within those time differences,
--------
and it could be
--------
explained with more
--------
detail.

Seems like a nice start for the story. I'll be looking forward to more updates. Keep up the good work :eeyup:

Well, done. But its was a little short and got to the point too quickly. kinda just like how I write. So keep going, I wanna know what happened to them, where they went, and if they are alive or not. :ajsmug:

(Before reading) That cover picture ... I just want to hold those two until they never need to make that face again.

(After reading) Okay, that tears it. I have to find out what they were driven to. And if it matches up to what thought has been stuck in my brain for the last month.

Hmmm... you have my interest, please resume.

*looks about, confused*

What's so good about this story? This story was a poor attempt at tragedy, I couldn't take it seriously. Mostly because the author clearly put no effort into editing at all. Seriously, you used the short form "tho" in what's supposed to be a formal piece of prose? The pace was horrid too, felt very rushed.

Not sure at all why it's getting all those upvotes. I can get over a few errors, especially in a less serious fic. But this? Just plain bad.

1179393 :facehoof: You've clearly gotten too spoiled by fanfictions with good grammar in them. Trust me, there are worse fanfictions out there, such as Spiderses or tOM Goes To Ponyville (And no, I didn't mispell Tom. That's seriously the way the author titled it.)
So yeah, out of all the bad fanfictions you could've have picked on, you sadly picked on this one. Even if it is not a masterpiece, it's clear here that it is first time writing a fanfiction. Don't act like nobody ever wrote their first stories and had a ton of grammar and spelling mistakes. I did. We all did. So how about you go pick on other bad stories, like the ones I listed above. :twilightangry2:
Oh, and by the way, compared to the other stories, this one is fucking Casablanca compared to other bad stories on this site. :ajbemused:

Yeah, didn't really enjoy this. You drew me in with the description and picture, but there is way too much wrong with this story for me to like it.

The first thing I have to address is the spelling/grammar. Other commenters have pointed out that you use "tho" instead of "though", but you have other errors: "later" in the second paragraph should be "latter", "click" in the sixth paragraph should be "clique", "beckon" in the sixth paragraph should be "beck and", and "sense" in the fifteenth paragraph should be "since". I'm not even going to bother with the grammar, but you should really have an editor look over it.

Still, I can tolerate bad spelling and grammar sometimes, when the rest of the story is done well. This, in my opinion, isn't done well. It's way too fast paced. Time skips aren't always a bad thing, but they shouldn't be in the middle of a chapter, and it wastes all the potential character development you could have had. You could have had scenes where the Crusaders reflect on their actions, and their part in the disappearance of the bullies, but instead you just skipped it ahead several months.

This isn't the worst fic I've read, but it needs work.

1179524 Forgive me if I expect people to actually write in proper English. Editors are a dime a dozen, I do work all the time for people just like this guy because I want them to submit something worth reading, not garbage.

About there being worse fics out there, you couldn't be more correct. But when I browse new fics, I'm usually drawn to ones that have a couple upvotes. This one did, so I read it. I only commented because I was quite disappointed. This fic was 9:1 when I read it, so I was expecting something decent. It wasn't.

And yeah, actually no. I'm still writing my first fanfiction. And I've read it myself probably a dozen times, and gotten around 5 people to review and proofread it. In my opinion, it's still mediocre at best. But at least it's not filled with the sort of flaws that ruin a decent story. Because I don't want it to be like this fic.

Anyways, the last thing I'd like to say is about me being spoiled by good grammar. How does that even make sense? I'm too picky or my standards are too high because I read too many stories by decent authors? Authors who, I might add, have more or less the same resources at their disposal as this one. They just put more effort in.

Okay, this is dreadful.
It's cloying, maudlin, treacly, gratuitous.

Applebloom's "Unspeakable cruelty" and unending guilt is supposed to be that she told two malicious spoiled brats a single, painful truth?

And we're supposed to believe that two cosseted, pampered princesses ran off into the howling wilderness and met some terrible fate, (thereby afflicting their persecutors with ever-so-much guilt) because they couldn't cope with one of their victims saying something mean BACK to them.? This, THIS is what utterly shatters their gilded little world?

One would almost think Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were the authors, writing all about their unjust suffering at the hooves of all the people who were mean to them, and now won't they all be sorry for it.

yeah, this story is fast paced. There are a few grammer mistakes, but all in all this is a great idea and story. 1179598 to be fair, your comment was, in my opinion, portraying you as a bit of a douche. I agree with you that using "tho" as a word in a fanfiction is a tad dumb, but you have to remeber, this author could be any age or probably doesn't know how to spell though. The author also probably doesn't want someone to proofread it. And you can't hate a story because of a few grammer mistakes. Hate or like the story for the story, not a few grammer mistakes.

I love the story, which is why I'm bothering to comment about the grammar at all. It is a little jarring to be so intrigued by the story and yet taken out of the story I want to enjoy because of the grammar. I'm not trying to be a Grammar Nazi, I just think your story deserves every chance it can get to shine, and I'd love to see more! BTW, if you ever want an editor, I'd be happy to be yours, if only to get a first glance at your newest work. :twilightsmile:

1179662 No, you don't understand, my life is so hard, why does everyone hate me? :raritycry:

Kidding! I don't really care. What I DO care about is the quality of submissions here. I'm perfectly okay with being a douche with no empathy. I would gladly participate in all the flame wars in the world if it meant that I could go to the front page, pick any random story, and be greeted by a nice, properly formatted, spellchecked, proofread, and well-paced story.

What you must understand, my dear friend, is that it is SO easy to fix what is wrong with this fic (at least, apart from the melodramatic tone, the overblown OOC reactions, and the pace). I could take it into a google doc, and in about 20 minutes it would be shiny and clean, and then we can start constructive criticism, about more intricate writing points that are sometimes challenging to correct.

Anyhow, I don't have time to be a dick to everyone. Maybe I should make some sort of auto-dick bot that will write abusive comments on any fic that is riddled with errors that a simple in-browser word processor can detect.

1179691

True, I also wouldn't mind fixing the errors in this story, even the pacing. This one chapters pacing was mabye 10-12 years at the end of it. but you have to admit, this storys plot is a good idea.

sweet! I hated those ones the most!

1179879 I will concede that it is an interesting idea, but I don't think it's inherently good. There aren't many ideas that are "good" in that sense. No idea can become a good story without proper proofreading and attention to detail.

Ok guys Im gonna flat out say it...I wrote this because the idea popped into my head..yes I do that allot. I do know better than to use the shortened term tho in writing and I did not catch the click accident when it should be clique.

Generally speaking I had an editor/ pre reader for my fics but seeing as it was just a silly idea bouncing in my mind just went with it.

No this is by far not my first story.

As far as it being rushed it was written in an hour

Regarding editors being a dime a dozen..I find this to be not the case. Because of a previous story of mine when trying to find an editor they have to understand I generally do not write nice fics and more than not write fics with pony mutilation.

This itself chases away 3/4 of the editors out there most if they do not themselves read the genre will not edit the genre simple as that.

The remaining 1/4 are harder to get to because of this they are busy, and I am the type to have 1 editor for all my stories and only go to them.

My quality has taken a bit of a slip without my trusty editor/proof reader, RL is in full swing for him so I am looking for assistance.

I will continue writing even though my quality may suffer, the ideas get expressed some better than others.

1180939>>1179879>>1179691>>1179648

I do appreciate the critique, this was an idea just thrown out there and written in an hour. This was intended to get a better feel for them and as it did come off as dramatic and way out of character in my mind I needed to see others reactions before making this into an actual good fic.

At times I will have an idea and second guess myself part way through writing so I end up throwing the idea up and the most basic I can write it as and behold this is the crap that comes out.

I do like the idea but I have the almighty rewrite on the way, apologies if my rough draft idea method caused any issues or harm towards how I am viewed as a writer.

But in my defense....it works.

I learned that....

The concept is good
Applebloom is way to ooc
yes I know I have yet to flush out any ideas and it comes off as irritating to others.


1180939

The actual full idea will be realized within the next 2 weeks, I had allot planned for this but I needed to see reactions first before proceeding.
Thanks to your critique alone I can see what I need to have adjusted story wise.

1187601 Great. Go forth, write more, and make sure it's edited next time.

1187668
It shall be and due to this I found a good editor, hazah for the grammatical corrective properties to unfold.

I've seen worse and I've seen better. Have to say though I enjoyed a lot. Damn fine work.:moustache::moustache::moustache:

You- you will have more of this one.... right? right? They won't stay lost will they? They can't stay lost, I have to find out what happened! WHAT DID THE DIARY SAY!?!?!? WHERE DID THEY GO?!?!!?!?! TELL ME-HEEE-HEEEEEEEE!!!!! :applecry:

Guess they got what they deserved :moustache:

I've seen some DT+SS fics in my day, but this, THIS ONE, this is something i could sink into!
So (deep breath) pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post a new chapter.
Thank you,
Morning Dusk

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