• Member Since 3rd Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen 8 minutes ago

deadpansnarker


Writing's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it.

T

Diamond Tiara's joy at her newfound outlook and friends is shortlived. Exiled to her bedroom while her uncompromising mother decides what to do with her, she can only listen in as Spoiled Rich tells her too-meek-by-half husband Filthy EXACTLY how useless his daughter is. Then, there's a sudden knock on the door... and Tiara's adventure is about to begin.
Set after the events of 'Crusaders Of The Lost Mark'.
Now rated T for some disturbing scenes
Beware of SPOILERS in the comments.
Great new cover drawn, completely at their own behest, by the very talented robsa990. What a nice chap he is.

Chapters (48)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 2419 )

(She felt naked without it... Maybe because, she was).

Come to think of it, all member of the Rich family wear something. That's rich ponies for you.

Spoiled had wanted to replace the old stallion for a while.

Agreed, the old stallion should retired. I wonder what make him this loyal to this family. :rainbowhuh:

Their faces were so familiar even the Cake twins would have recognised them on sight.

:twistnerd: The unexpected visitors a really Mr and Mrs Cake.

Hmm, Spoiled Rich is a bit more tame in this fanfiction. Here she's nothing against what I read about her in the other fics.

Interesting idea, although a bit too idealistic to be realistic, if it goes in the direction I think it will go.

(She felt naked without it... Maybe because, she was).

This joke here ruins the actual quite somber nature of the paragraph it's in. It would be best to remove it.

And you make a too heavy use of brackets at some points. You should reduce their number, brackets can be distracting.
Also, it's "Miss Harshwinny", not "Mrs Mawhinney".

1. I tried to make DT's punishment more in line with the show... So none of this alcoholism or beatings, thanx.
2. Being an idealist AND realist, ANYTHING is possible. You'll just have to wait'n'see.
3. I like to mix my tragedy with a bit of humour. So, no.
4. What exactly have you go against brackets?! They need love too, ya know. You should try it sometime.
5. I'll get right on that.

Cheers, guv'nor.

It's the Princesses, I'm calling it right now.

Woah.

I have to say... no. The way Twilight and her friends acted here was pretty bad. Spoiled Rich's cartoonishly arrogant evil talk doesn't change that.

I vote for it to blow up in their faces massively after they took Diamond Tiara away from her home.

Addendum: To explain why this is bad, take a look from it this way: They come to the Rich's home in late in the day, gang up on them, insult them, goad them into returning the insults, and as soon as Spoiled Rich does Twilight pulls the slip of paper saying their daughter is to be taken away. That she already had all prepared.

That's no way the Princess of Friendship should behave, nor her friends.

Furthermore, you know what's also endangering your child? Not teaching her that wandering off into the Everfree is a bad idea. Or feeding ponies love poisons. Or one of many, many things the Crusaders did.

Well this isn't a fic to take your tie on. Please continue.:raritystarry::raritystarry:

I think that Diamond Tiara would be better off staying with either Twilight or Applejack in my opinion. That way if Spoiled B:yay: tries anything to circumvent the restraining order then she would face the full judgement of the Apple Family or Celestia and Luna.

I look forward to the continuing of this fic...
And more hugs, hugs are the best.

You know what kind of scene I would've liked to see?

Filthy Rich stared at the princess who'd come to tear their family apart. Without turning around he called up the stairs:
"Diamond? Get your clothes ready. The princess has decided you belong in an orphanage."

The Alicorn winced. "Now see here..."

"Pack one of your plushies," Filthy Rich continued, "She didn't tell us how long you'll be away."
He looked at his unconscious wife for a second or two, not moving, no changing his expression. "It'll probably be a few days, but that's the time our lawyers will need. Right, princess?"

Twilight and her friends exchanged a glance. "What for?"

"To go through all your friends' backgrounds, of course. Oh, I'm sure we'll not find a single instance of faulty parenting or possibly dangerous neglect. Your friends are much too skilled at raising kids for that to happen." He still wasn't looking at them. Something hard had crept into his eyes. "Because if they were, why, you could find yourself having to order their little sisters be taken away as well. Wouldn't that be a shame?"

The stallion made to leave the room with heavy, ponderous steps. As he passed Twilight, he took the time to whisper to her:
"You threatened my family, princess. You put a knife to my throat. Don't ever put a knife to a Rich's throat unless you're willing to cut deep."

I'm not sure if I should like this fanfic, because it's finally one where Spoiled Rich gets her flank teared open for what she does, or don't like it, because it already sounds like an answer to RarityEQM's fic because you don't liked that one since it's too realistic for you.
I fully expect a fairy tale ending here with Diamond Tiara's mother magically turning over a new leaf and suddenly being a good mother. :unsuresweetie:


6606950

3. I like to mix my tragedy with a bit of humour. So, no.

4. What exactly have you go against brackets?! They need love too, ya know. You should try it sometime.

For the fact that you are so eager with criticizing other fics you don't take criticism aimed at your own fic very well.

6624525

And there is always "That One Guy" who even defends someone as disgusting and vile as Spoiled Rich.....
You either never experienced parental abuse or you have the same mindset and are already one of the abusive parents of the future.

6634298 Look, I was in a bad mood that day... I was just disappointed that the story ended as abruptly as it did. I felt there could be more added to it... But hey, that's the author's decision I guess.

My original criticism still stands... But how about... I go over to the Aftermath page, and apologise for maybe being a bit over the top in some of my comments? In fact I'll do that right now. It'll go directly against what my avatar says... But, heigh-ho.

Thanks for reading my story, anyway. Hope you like the rest. :raritywink:

EDIT: Well, I couldn't add anything to the Aftermath story page, so I send our good friend RARITYEQM a grovelling PM instead. Let's hope they get it...

Yeah...if Spoiled Rich is unconscious like that it's not normal. She needs medical treatment.

6634329
First off, no, I didn't experience that sort of trouble. But I know folks who did.

Secondly, no, I didn't defend her. I said the way Twilight and her friends acted was bad as it was presented here. Does Spoiled Rich therefore get a pass? No.

Third off, thank you for the personal attack. That really makes me take your seriously.

Or this story, where that's apparently perfectly acceptable.

Addendum: Alright, that last part was unnecessary snark on my part. Apologies to the author.

All things considered, this story probably just isn't one for me.

6642094 Check out my username... There's no such thing as unnecessary snark. :twilightsmile:

And thanks for giving my story a try anyway. We're all allowed different opinions...

Yup poor Diamond Tiara is in for a rough few days here. I wonder why Silver Spoons family was not seen as a safe place for Diamond Tiara? Great to see the fact that her father is seeing his mistakes in what has happened here.

6642658 Yup, I thought that too... My reason is that Applejack pushed forward her idea first, while Diamond's brains were still scrambled from the trauma of current events... So, she said yes without really thinking about it. Oops.

Don't worry... Silver will have her moment in the sun... This is going to be quite the thorough fic, let me assure you. Thanks for reading up till now :)

6642094
6628126

You were suggesting here that Filthy Rich should gather round his lawyers to blackmail Twilight's friends by digging up events from the past that they can lay out as neglect so that their little sisters will get taken away from them, all with the goal that Diamond Tiara has to return into a abuse situation.
This is supportive of child abuse.

This right here?

"Who do you think you are?" Spoiled huffed. "She's MY daughter, and she's mine to do with as I see fit. I have high hopes for her... She's CERTAINLY not going to end up a common farmer, a failed Wonderbolt, an overrated fashionista or a princess IN NAME ONLY. Honestly... I don't know what what Celestia was thinking... Giving you wings. Clearly you don't deserve such a position... As you don't even know how to talk to your superiors. I'd like you to leave now... I have enough to deal with, undoing the damage those three little runts did to my blessed Diamond, without you four malcontents sticking your hooves in. Randolph will see you out."

This, kids, is what is known as a classic case of "Open mouth, insert hoof".

All the way up to the elbow.

6642720 Well put.

And as to his l'il take on that his idea of what Filthy said to Twi; well, to my mind, threatening a Princess of Equestria, for whatever reason, would probably considered treason.

And doing the same to three mares who, along with said Princess, are three of Equestria's most revered heroes?

Yeah, not the smartest thing to do.

6642720
That tells me you have no idea why I posted that.

I did so because it would've been interesting to see Twilight have some serious conflict and consequences from her actions. It would've made the story more interesting to me. Did I say having Filthy do so would be morally in the right? No. No, I didn't. And it wouldn't be. But it would be more interesting to watch.

I must admit that I found the portrayal of Spoiled Rich in this episode quite disturbing. Yes, it's a children's show and caricatures will always be very simple (good or bad with no gray area), and they had to show whence came Diamond Tierra's rotten attitude and character traits. Still, even within this context an adult pony acting like Spoiled Rich did is really a bit much. Tribal or class prejudices would be easy to understand, but whence this withering prejudice (in an adult and a parent) against "blank flanks?" Being a blank flank is universal in the show's ponydom and would not seem to be the object of ridicule except among immature little snots who had just gotten their own cutie marks. SR's aversion to "blank flanks" is just...out there.

Also, while of course canon Spoiled Rich is not going to be physically abusive to her daughter, in Real Life such a personality absolutely would be, especially after being publicly called out like that. Brony writers naturally have picked up on this and made her this way in their stories.

This does not mean it was a bad episode. It just means that the portrayal of this one particular character was, to me at least, deeply disturbing.

Of course, I've only read this opening chapter, so I have no way of knowing this, BUT-- if the author has found a way to fill out SR's personality without making her a child-battering ghoul, then kudos (though emotional abuse is even worse).

6649900 Nah, don't worry about this fic being too far removed from the show... Hence the E rating.

You're right in that some of the worse abuse can be emotional... You should try going to some of the schools I went to for a perfect instance. Children naturally imitate what's going on around them, so if their parents are playing up... Well, let's just say the results aren't usually pretty.

Thanks for reading the first chapter... Hope the rest is to your satisfaction.:scootangel:

"Who do you think you are?"

She's the freaken princess!!

Quick tip: Don't add so many ellipses. They're meant to denote a pause, if you add too many it slows down your readers to a possible uncomfortable degree. And in dialogue, it can make your characters... sound like... William... Shatner. There were several times a simple full stop would've been sufficient!

6652203 I was wondering when someone would notice that... And you even know the right word for it. Bravo! I'll try my best... But I've been writing like that for years... It might just be a harder habit than crack to break.

Incidentally, the only Star Trek worth your time is DS9. Just thought you should know that.

Only thing I don't like is Applejack assuming Diamond will want to work or will get used to it. I mean, what if Diamond refuses to work?

I am interested. Hoping for more soon :pinkiehappy:

6656760 I agree...I don't like Applejack's plan. Diamond would get culture shock instantly.

6656760 Then she'd get the strap, of course!

Just kidding... I think AJ is trying to create a situation where DT can hopefully partially forget about her troubles by getting into some hard graft... I know that works for me, anyway.

As well as teach her a few life lessons too.

Don't worry... They're not going to start her out on the plough.

Hope the rest of my little story is equally as 'interesting' to you :ajsmug:

this story is SOOO cute! keep up the AWSOME work

6657248 Well, that sounds like a tall order... BUT, I'LL DO MY BEST!!! :twilightsmile:

6656760
6656798
Her parents (mother) are dead set on making her the perfect heiress so she must be pretty used to have a stressful tigh schedule and hard working day, with an awful lot of personnal tutors and personnal training.

She just doesn't do manial labor, but once she gets used to it, she will be fine.

6657725 I don't know. You have to admit its still a big change. That's never something simple in the long run.

6649174 On one hand I agree with you and understand where you're coming from, but I also agree with @Fluttercheer and how @deadpansnarker writes this. Filthy Rich is a man of variables, plan of actions and knows when to fold even though he's probably the most shrewd businessman around. Not to mention he knows the history of his own family's history with Ponyville and the history of several other RICH ponies in Equestria with the mane six.

He may be aware of the behind the scenes goings on, whereas Spoiled is stuck in her own fantasy world pretending to run things under the guise of being president of the school board. I'd venture to guess he knows Fancy Pants and Fleure-de-lise have deep dealings and friendships with Rarity whom also has deep roots with famous ponies in Manehattan, Canterlot and Crystal Empire business, Rainbow's high top friendships and relationship with the Wonderbolts, his own dealings with the Apple family and how they managed to get Ponyville started with the Rich's help and Twilight's own deep roots with THREE other princesses of Equestria, Yak-yakistan and upcoming relations with Griffonstone. And why would he want to try to get messed up with six members of the elements when with the exception of maybe Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and the Cakes have even deeper connections to nearly every member of the Royal family, and nations of Equestria.

You'd have to be a very blind business pony, like Spoiled, to not know it's a lost battle business wise and relationship wise with several ponies who likely have a hand in dealings with the rest of the rich ponies in Equestria.

Congratulations. There was so much "D'awwwww" in this story that I now have the Diabeetus, as if the amount of mountain dew I chug each day wasn't leading me down that path already

liked and tracked.

I really like this fic.
The general story is good, the pacing is very good, but if there is one thing that holds it back from being a great fic, it's the writing style.
I can't really place my hoof on all the little things that go against the general flow, but I would be so bold as to give two advice:
a)Don't do name substitutions. I will quote the writing stule guide on this:

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome
The syndrome
When writing, it’s important to keep things interesting and avoid word repetition. However, some writers, being a little overeager to do the latter, like to substitute the names of their characters with little descriptive phrases whenever they feel like they’re repeating character names too much.
...
By referring to characters with descriptors, you take the reader away from them. There’s a leap of logic that needs to be made from “Princess Celestia’s personal protégé” to “Twilight Sparkle”, and although it’s a very small, almost unnoticeable leap for most readers, it’s still big enough to distract them from the character interaction taking place. Therefore, the worst place to succumb to LUS is in dialogue.

And it really, really does subtract from the reading experience.

b)I would very strongly advise the author to have this fic proofread. Some of the more complicated phrases are quite incorrect, and it really sticks out, interrupting an otherwise very smooth narrative flow.

As I said, this is a very good fic, but it truly has potential to be excellent given some editorial love.

6683062
Agreed. I would ALSO cut back on the RANDOM ALL CAPS you're having characters SPEAK in. It's really annoying.

6683170 Actually, that's called shouting. And I don't use it that often, so I can't see it being that much of a problem.

As for the rest of the constructive criticism above, very interesting. I shall consider it carefully, and then decide if I want to make any changes. Thanks for reading & taking the time to comment! :)

6683185
I'm aware it's shouting when character's do it (not a fan of that way of representing shouting), but that actually wasn't my main complaint. Didn't realize I'd only framed it in that regard.

What I probably also should have said is that you do it in your narration as well. You do it frequently for emphasis, and you do it a ridiculous degree. Every couple of paragraphs, sometimes several paragraphs in a row, you'll have a couple of words in all caps. Maybe that doesn't sound like a lot to you, but it comes across to me as if you're randomly shouting words at me while trying to tell me a story. You don't need to emphasize random words like EVER or REALLY or DID, especially not by doing it in all-caps. It's a very off-putting stylistic choice in an otherwise good story. And sorry if I'm coming across as overly negative rather than trying to offer constructive criticism, I do like your story.

6683237 It's something I've done for a while, but better or for worse. I understand that standards are higher here than fanfiction.net, so I guess I've gotten away with it until now. It'll be a hard habit to break, and I may not want to. But thank you for drawing it to my attention, and I will certainly monitor the tendency more closely from now on to try and avoid overuse.

And don't worry about coming off harsh... I'm always up for reading and responding to comments, whether they be complimentary or not. You're certainly not going to see this section turn into a 'comments graveyard' that's for sure. Glad to like my story so far regardless, and please... Don't hesitate to say whatever pops in your head. I'm a big person, I can take it... *cracks knuckles*.

awww...nice to see Apple Bloom is taking this well...

:rainbowderp:

Did not see that coming. Whoa...take a chill pill Diamond.

6688782 I saw it from a mile away... You don't know rage until you've reached that point. I've experienced it.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!