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Cadance always wanted a sister. She just didn't expect it to involve so many angry cultists with plans to get rid of her. The young princess must face her dark reflection. Could only one of them escape? There were better solutions...
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David, you spoil us. So many good stories...
Well that sounds like a very interesting story, I'll be sure to follow it.
As always your fics manage to take my attention
11771790
I can't take all the credit here. My lovely patrons toss fine story seeds at me and I eagerly plant them in the ground and sing a song of writing until a narrative tree sprouts.
If I had a nickel for every time a fimfic writer wrote a story of a member of the crystal empire’s royalty receiving an identical twin sibling of dubious origin, I’d have *two* nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
In all good fun though, this story *does* have some similarities to Flygon’s ongoing fimfic: ‘A Fateful Flurry’, which is a similar principle albeit with Flurry Heart rather than Cadence.
This was a great first chapter can't wait to see the next
11771823
I will admit, I was glancing sidelong at that other story featuring as I wrote this. I did not read that one though.
Here we go, again.
Well, I'll see what kind of story this one will be.
I hope this isn’t a story about a guy in a mare’s body who can’t figure out whether he’s a man or a woman.
Interesting. It's a bit worrisome how the new Cadance seems to know their body to some degree better than the original. I hope there is some explanation and it's not just ignored.
Please let the human be a girl because it’s so rare
on Fimfic
Interesting take. Wondering if that Flurry story was inspired by it?
11771948
The commissioner assures me that they had this story seed planned for years
11771953
Not sure what you mean by “seec” is that a word?
11771960
Seed
The fun has been doubled lucky Shining Armor
There are two Cadance…
There are two Sparkle siblings…
The older one got laid…
The younger pretty much hold onto virgin card forever…
Time to change that.
If dating big bro of the filly she’s babysitting is acceptable… then why not the guy’s little sister too?
previewsworld.com/SiteImage/MainImage/STL075856.jpg
Longterm investment.
m.media-amazon.com/images/I/812uShBqyzL.jpg
Legal, and not feeli like reading garbage lolicon’s fantasy somehow…
Great! A good strong opening! Now let's see you capitalize on this great opening. I look forward to your next chapter
For as much as I want to say this is an interesting premise, I really can’t.
I see a lot of praise for this, and while I do think your general writing is good, the actual storytelling is rather dull.
The premise of ‘create a clone of Cadance and have them live together’ is hardly as interesting as it could be, and it very much needs some additions to the world that don’t yet exist to truly make it interesting.
After all, with this chapter so far, I can’t see this becoming anything other than a SoL fic where the two Cadances just get up to trouble and little else.
The only point against that here is the question of what exactly the new Cadance is, but that is a rather small question in the grand scheme of things.
However, that’s not the main issue I have here; no, that would be the actual way all of the events transpire in a very quick and boring manner.
You seem to have just taken the outline and made a story with it, not properly fleshing out each event in detail to let the reader immerse themselves in each situation.
You had Cadance sitting around before the cultists just kidnap her with no resistance, and no real buildup. No guards trying to stop them before or after they kidnap a literal princess, nor even a description of where she lives.
In the forest that we also have no clue how they got to or even how far away it is, the cultists do something that’s also not described, and then it maybe goes wrong in some unknown way, and then the clone flies away to ‘the castle’, and… well, you should get the point by now.
You simply need to be more descriptive in your storytelling, pointing out where things are, what precisely is happening, and actually let it sit for a moment to let things sink in.
This story could’ve—and probably should’ve—been several thousand words long, yet it’s been crunched and sanded away into two thousand.
Please note that I say all of this with the intent to help you improve, as very few comments actually contain constructive criticism in any way. I am being somewhat harsh here, but that’s because I am being honest and pointing out the flaws that ought to get fixed.
Most readers here probably aren’t even capable to noticing something wrong, and that’s not their fault, it’s just that I have literal years of experience here that they do not, and I am going to use that experience to help others improve their writing as much as I can.
Dawg, this is just that Flurry Heart story but replaced with Cadance.
I'll give it a chance, but still.
Far too much happened in this chapter to be encapsulated in 2000 words. The fact that this even needs to be said is astounding to me. There was no build up. To anything. It was just a string of plot points with no connecting threads. Y'know, plot threads? Not to mention all of the hand-waving of consequences.
How about the literal kidnapping that happened in the castle? The unicorn kidnapper fled the scene on hoof, how did nopony notice? How did an overtly suspicious character even get into the same wing of the castle that Cadence's room was in, much less get to her door with knowledge that it was her room, and be allowed to knock on it without being stopped? The kidnapper was dressed in a stereotypical cartoon criminal's cloak.
Why did Cadence and Cadence return to a castle not on high alert? Why, when Cadence and Cadence arrived in the throne room and meet with Celestia, was she not in the midst of some combination of fretting or worrying or mama-bearing because there was a literal kidnapping and Cadence was missing from her room?
Far too rushed. Far, far, far too rushed.
There are 8k words of story crammed into 2k words here and it certainly reads like it.
I'd be more forgiving if this was a rookie author with their first story trying to get their eye in for writing. (Balancing brevity vs description, as well as trying to plan out the pace of your story can sometimes be difficult if you are new to writing.)
But you have more than 120 stories to your name (some of them are really good) and have been on this site for more than a decade.
You are a better author than this David, I know you are. These are rookie errors.
11772392
Cadance stepped out of her room briefly, returns to a castle on high alert. In what episode of the show is Celestia or the castle shown to react this way?
11772459
With Cadence missing from her room without any record or word of an escort or sight of her anywhere in the castle? Not likely. Also, I find it very hard to believe that nopony saw anything. A report of a shady character in a dark cloak seen near her room? Multiple reports of a cloaked pony fleeing the castle carrying a squirming sack? No way nothing like that reached the ear of the High Princess. Even if it was meticulously planned out to the degree of mapping out guard routes and staff routines, stray paths, slip-ups, and sudden bouts of curiosity happen all the time. There's also no way a Princess's room wouldn't have constant, if discrete guard, or that a ritual involving alicorn magic wasn't detected by anypony even if all else somehow went entirely as planned.
Oh, speaking of. A dark ritual involving alicorn magic. How did the High Princess never receive word that some shady characters were acquiring the required reagents? No way stuff for that kind of spell wouldn't be controlled/monitored substances at the very least, likely at least some of them outright forbidden. And no High Princess capable of keeping her country together for a millenium wouldn't have eyes and ears in the black market.
All this to say there were probably a number of more believably ways of achieving this outcome. None that I can think of off the top of my head mind you, but still.
11772471
One person snatched a filly and fled the scene. No loud noises alerted anyone. It was done quickly. No alerts were raised.
There was no gang of cloaked people, they waited at the ritual room and performed the ritual once the key ingredient was placed there.
Did it feel fast? It was fast. I'm glad I captured that frantic rate. Celestia was gentle and slow, and things slowed down as they approached her, causing the chapter to end.
11772481
...Yeah, okay. Really my second comment was just nitpicking.
That reminds me of a poem i had to memorize in HS. It's a bit long to put here; PM me if you're interested.
11772484
The whole 'It's too rushed' thing is a bit premature in my opinion. This more or less qualifies as the prologue, we're pretty much stuck with Cadance's PoV for the majority of the chapter, of course we're gonna miss out on details Cadance isn't aware of. I mean, sure two-thousand words is a smol Chapter, but things are still unfolding. There's plenty of opportunity to find out the why (given our dear author puts in the work).
11772495
Wait, it is? All my chapters are 2k! Oh no...
11772504
Well, yes. Smol and cute and way too short for my word gluttony. :P
I'll admit I wasn't going to read this...I'm already in one or two "human is now a clone of a pony" stories but then I realized it was a story with a...Silver...lining and decided I'd read it.
11772571
I see what you did there...
11772481
You also could point out the two greatest weakness of military or security. Boredom of the guards because nothing ever happens on their long and tedious shifts, so they really aren't paying attention. And the even worse problem. The mindset of knowing for a fact that no one in their right mind "Would Ever Attack" this highly fortified and heavily secured fortress / building / laboratory. Because everyone thinks no one would do it, security slacks.
I don't find it unbelievable.
Monk
"Cooties! Of course, colts like him had cooties! Then again, she probably already caught them by now. Oh well, can't get more cooties if you already have them, right? Grabbing the colt’s hoof, she pulled herself up." -IsakeiAnon
Oooo another amazing story! 👏 absolutely love this concept can't wait to read even more
11772916
Wish granted, with a second chapter.
*dies of cuteness*
Oh shining is going to have to deal with a guardian sister if they aren’t dating already
Hoo boy. This is a bit of a mess. And everything seems very rushed and not much is explained. Just rushing from one thing to another. No one is asking who is inside this new Cadance? And they are just fine keeping them together even though this new 'thing' is a complete unknown? Ya lost me man. This is nonsensical.
11772984
I'm not sure why you want Celestia to squeeze scared foals harder right after a traumatic experience. Who hurt you?
Questions can come tomorrow. Someone here is in a hurry. It isn't me. This chapter, we put the foals to bed.
An ISFP, i suppose?
Very adorable. Dunno about the name, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. :3
11772990
Everyone is impatient these days. "Answers now, or else..!"
How old are Cadance and Tempo here? I was expecting teen but Cadance seems much younger than that. Or maybe I was just a very jaded tween and I shouldn't compare her to myself for determining age.
Also, Tempo is a very fitting name.
I imagine Tempo has a traumatic past beyond what the cultists did. She seems very driven to protect.
You don't normally write fics with Celestia, how would showing her some love here?
11772990
Because this new Cadance can be a threat? I dunno. Some unknown creation is pretty sus. She knows exactly zero about this new creature but she's willing to trust it around her niece? Really seems strange to me.
11773140
I don't know... this little filly sure seems threatening after going out of her way to refuse acting on behalf of Cadance's kidnappers, actively protects her, and barely knows what's going on with herself. Tempo is as much a victim as Cadance is here.
11773144
I'm not saying that Tempo isn't a victim, but Tempo is still currently an unknown. Would you trust some strange creature that was literally created from dark magic with your relative after talking with them for 15 minutes? I wouldn't, especially after she just got kidnapped.
To some of the earlier comments, all I would say is that I do not own the "clone" genre of fanfic. My Fateful Flurry story is inspired by many others before itself, and I'm sure my story may inspire other writers to write their own. Though I don't feel like this story is inspired in the slightest by mine, they just happen to have the similarities of a cloned pone from the Crystal Empire.
Now the story itself? I feel it's too early to judge and critique. 4K words is barely a prologue in my eyes, though I do like long and detailed stories.
I do think Celestia does act maybe a little strange. Your niece just got kidnapped, and you sent most of your guards on a wild goose chase to search for their hideout. But let's just keep going with the menial task of day court? As if something frighteningly odd and alarming didn't just happen and shake up the entire day? One day off after such an event would be warranted, but it just doesn't happen. Yeah, okay, Celestia, get on that grind I guess girl.
I agree, Tempo; you seem to be the only one truly taking this entire situation seriously. Everyone is taking crazy pills.
But if this is all intentional, then my leading theory is that the cultists might have intended Tempo to escape and "save" Cadance all along. Especially with how... incompetent they were? Maybe Celestia is even in on it??? Doubtfully??? Either way, Tempo could be an unknowing ticking time bomb of some kind. Her extreme urge to protect could be attributed to some sort of initial "programming" of the cultists to keep them near each other? I don't know... There are a lot of pieces on the table right now, but they feel like they're from ten different jigsaw puzzles. I guess I'll wait and see!
Of course nothing I say is meant to offend or seriously critique anything. As I've said, not nearly enough has come out for me to truly judge the story yet. I just saw a new cloning fic and my monkey brain got activated lol.
I just noticed this is one of three longshot non-clop cadance, and only one that didn't distance too much from cannon's playstage or gaybait with shining armor(yet).
Hopefully Tempo will not end up with Shining and choose something else less generic and fresh.
11773147
Well, Tempo has shown herself to not be a monster so far, why treat her like she could have the rabies?
11773149
I don't think they intended for the clone to have a soul. *shrug*