• Member Since 2nd Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen November 16th


Q(^_^Q). The friendliest misanthrope you'll ever meet.


Hitch is curious why mayonnaise is taboo, especially now that the other words are not. There's only one pony he can turn to for answers, but can he really trust Izzy isn't embellishing the details? I mean, mayonnaise volcano is hyperbole... right?

This story is dedicated to AnonPencil because they really hate mayonnaise.

Now with an Audiobook by The Mystery Fluttershy Fan

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 46 )

Fun fact:
This actually happened in real life! Except with Molasses!
No, seriously.

Why does AnonPencil hate mayonnaise?

The "white stuff" in that jar was milk, right?


No idea, they didn't elaborate, but it seemed too good to pass up. If it was some pony only mildly disinterested in mayonnaise, it would not have been as funny.

Yeah, the molasses was a lot less silly and a lot more "apocalypse now". I can't imagine a stickier situation.

It's mayonnaise all the way down.

Or maybe miracle whip, if the ponies want all the cholesterol of mayonnaise with none of the enjoyable flavors. :pinkiecrazy:

Oh, thank God. I tought it was... something else.

If this story isn't M there's no way it's canon. :trollestia:


Yeah there aren't many synonyms for mayonnaise... so I started describing the appearance or texture instead. There also weren't nearly enough good puns about mayo to steal come up with.

I kept hearing about a robot chicken skit, but I didn't watch it before writing the story. Now that I have seen it... maybe someone should write it. :pinkiecrazy:

I half thought that this story was about that, but then I saw it was rated E. Oh well, I'mma read anyways.

maybe someone should write it. :pinkiecrazy:

I'm just gonna come out and ask, you gonna do it? Cuz if not I'm hopping on that.

Amazing. I had a lot of fun reading it. :twilightsmile:

Hopefully Bridlewood won't have to deal with c... condiments anymore. :ajsmug:

Gloomy laughed as she rubbed it over her head and face, “Looks like you’re getting a facial.” She used a hoof to scrap it away from the eyes.


Also this paragraph repeats twice.

We covered Sprout in peanut butter one time to get some gum out of his mane and it didn’t become taboo.

Nice Loud House reference.

She lowered her head and shouted into the drain “anypony down there?”

Missed a comma, and a few sentences don't have the first letter capitalized.

She gasped and fell backward in the tub.


“I almost shaved all my hair and fur off for nothing”

Missed the period.

Alpha stepped forward to shield them, and Izzy watched in slow motion as a huge wave Hellmann’s mayonnaise swept over them.

wave of Hellmann's

And that's all I got. Good story, I liked it, and I feel like you nailed Izzy's and Hitch's personalities pretty well.

You can write it, I haven't been in the mood to do any M rated stories lately. Gen 5 was so wholesome it did what years of therapy couldn't, and broke my cynicism. :trollestia:
I look forward to reading it when you finish it though

- And thanks for the edits, fim fic has some copy paste errors so I need to start using the direct import from google docs to stop repeating/missing paragraphs.

Cool, thanks! If you want, we could collaborate on this. Lemme know what you wanna do.:pinkiesmile:

I feel that this could be an actual Izzy episode next year.

This was hilarious!

Mayonnaise is the official new meme of the franchise. A delightfully silly read. :rainbowwild: Although wasn’t there an actual environmental disaster involving mayonnaise in Lake Michigan a while back?

Normally I would say what a huge waste of perfectly fine Mayo this is but then I saw it was only Hellmann’s. So no big lose there

Could be a different kind of mayo. If you catch my drift. Maybe one will make such a fic.

buried the lead

It's actually spelled 'lede', and means "the opening sentence or paragraph of a news article, summarizing the most important aspects of the story."

Yes, the lede is usually the sentence that leads the paragraph.

English is dumb.

That's an awesome fact, I wonder why I've never heard that before. I'm gonna have to go have a talk with the inventor of English. :scootangel:

Well, I can certainly see where the bing bong! came from.

A part of me was waiting on the "that's not mayo" moment, though.

He could hear music from one house, and it appeared that unicorns were big fans of disco.

That is either Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees or Waterloo by ABBA.

“Allons-y!” Pencil shouted, leaping out the window without looking.

G5's even got the Doctor vouching for 'em now, eh? Should be alright then.

I dont think it was meant to be a TLH reference. Using peanut butter to get gum out of hair is an old wives tale/home remedy.

Ah, well that's just where I learned of it.:twistnerd:

for a brief moment i misread the title as 'Mayonnaise Instrument' and lol'ed

By this point in the story Izzy had arranged several plates, cups, and utensils to help show Hitch what the town had looked like. Her tea table was now covered in mayo, including some small pony figures that she’d carved.

Now I am imagining Izzy ruining Hitch's lunch for her "visual aids" like Loki and Mobius:

I love that clip, I'd forgotten about it. Would have been so funny to see Izzy slowly destroy their lunch to illustrate the story. :twilightsmile:

some how i can see this and it sounds like so much fun.

I find mayonnaise to be absolutely repulsive, and I had a hard time reading this without gagging.

Don't get me wrong the story was great! Thumbs up!

I just find the act of intentionally rubbing mayonnaise all over one's self, or worse actually ingesting such a vile substance disgusting. Hands down the most horrific thing I've ever read. No disrespect intended.

“Yeah, it was nice of you to invite me. Ever since Canterlogic started installing some roads between the towns, it’s gotten a lot faster for everypony to visit each other.”


this right here.

This is the perfect example of subtle lore building that everyone needs to follow.

That certainly was a story.

you know what's funny....Izzy tells the story exactly how I would tell a story like this to a friend.
I always load the front with all the relevant details before saying what actually happened. People tend to get annoyed.

But it's like...If I say "we hate mayo because a mayo volcano erupted", they're gonna ask for the details. I'd end up telling the same story, but backwards.

good stuff, btw

I liked it a lot

I'm gonna have to go have a talk with the inventor of English.

That's the trouble, it wasn't really "invented" as such. It's a random mishmash caused by throwing together everything they could get their hands on. It's been referred to as an active crime scene, and this is the complied evidence.

This was such a fun read!

Thanks, it was fun to write something so wacky and I'm happy everyone is enjoying it. :twilightsheepish:

Why is it that Mayo's a jinx word? It's not a bad word. It supposed to be tasty in sandwiches.

Ha ha nice. I've read it out loud now for the audiobook, Now i'm gonna have a salad sammich with some mayonnaise while I get to editing :).

I just saw this. So very sweet of you, thank you! XD

Glad you enjoyed it, the story was very fun to write.
A pony who hated mayo to contrast Izzy's love of it was just what the story needed.

That's certainly a memorable incident. Wonder how long it took Izzy's coat and mane to grow back?

I bet the fur would be a few months, but 2-3 foot long manes and tails probably take years. I'm curious now if anyone has ever done the math though. :twilightsheepish:

“It’s all over the lower floor! And it’s flooding up into my bedroom! Help!” Pencil screamed in a blind irrational state.

Reference to the G5 Angry Mob song? Nice.
Also, while seeing the title of this chapter, I feel obligated to tell you I read this fic and wrote this comment on May 5.

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