Anon 69 News

by Amilition

Ponies Collectively Sigh As 'A Hearths Warming Carol' Was Played On Stage For The Fourth Time

God sakes! How unoriginal do you got to be to play 'A Hearths Warming Carol' over and over. I swear to Jesus, that green and red mare can't act for shit. Next time, I'm bringing tomatoes to throw at her if I see her again.

And a mare furious at her Hearths Warming tree for not bringing enough "Hearths Warming Cheer."

From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm your angry host Anonymous, and this is Anon 69-fucking-News.

A crowd of ponies collectively sigh today as the next play after 'Pony Express' was 'A Hearth's Warming Carol'. . . again. Not wanting to be total jerks, they sat through the play sighing and grunting. Some even drew eyeballs on their eyelids so they can sleep while seemingly watching the play.

It was only when the last ghost was done visiting did a pony exclaim he was going to, "rewrite the script" and make it so the "four ghost all show up at once and beat the shit out of the mare."

At press time, the pony put out the statement that his script was, "extremely short."

Moving on, in a desperate effort to get into the spirit of the season, local mare Strawberry Shake was reportedly demanding that a Hearths Warming tree bring her some holiday cheer Friday while slamming it against a wall.

“Come on, I know you’re holding out on me—you’ve got to have some holiday warmth in there somewhere, Celestia dammit,” said a furious Strawberry, grabbing the decorated conifer by the trunk with her magic and shaking it violently in an effort to force the tree to dislodge a few crumbs of goodwill towards all.

“I swear to Celestia if I’m not consumed by feelings of joy to the world and kinship of ponykind in the next 15 minutes, I’ll strangle you with your own string of lights, you sick fuck.” At press time, Strawberry was warning the tree what happened to those who got in the way of her Christmas cheer by tearing apart a wreath.

And uh, huh. That's it. Seems relativity quite out there. . . for now.

Well, I am Anon, and this is Anon 69 News. See ya.

And don't forget mail us some questions!

Watermelon Juice! That was her name! God, I gotta see if they can replace her. Maybe with me? Show them a good Scrooge from Earth.

Author's Note:

Of course I like A Christmas Carol. This was just a thought while I was in the shower.

And this wasn't edited by my wonderful editor only because by tomorrow, I wont have time to write aything for a while due to holiday stuff. So I wish you all a very marry Christmas and a wonderful New Year. . . hopefully. I swear, Satan himself ran 2020.

Comments

[ANW]

4 times is a bit much.
Once a week, that's good enough.

[Venerable Ro]

Anon's pretty grouchy, but he'll never match Michael Caine's performance. That man did an amazing Scrooge.

[Amilition]

10592178
You can say that again. 10/10 acting.

[Brony of the Revolution]

If Stella died, would you imbue your semen with necromantic magic and make sweet sensual love to her corpse until she came back from beyond the veil of death?

[Amilition]

10592247
i.ibb.co/KyksRtw/6l5kzk8s1pr21.jpg

[Lucerna]

Anon. My man. Are you aware of the fact that you are actually the main character of a fan fiction about your news podcast that is based off of a cartoon created for little girls, but has attracted a large following of adult men? If you didn’t already know, you do now.

Follow up question, how do you feel about this whole situation? What’s it like to be represented as a sentient being when in reality you are just some words on a screen? Knowing that nothing you do is actually your choice, every action you take is predetermined by an author who could completely make or break your life on a whim. How does it feel knowing no matter what happens, it doesn’t even matter because you are a fictional character anyway?

And my final question, what’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

I eagerly await your response,
𝒰𝑔𝓁𝓎 𝒫𝑜𝓉𝒶𝓉𝑜

[jimerjam]

DO PONIES USE WOODSTOVES?!!!!!?!

[Omegaxxx]

Where is my bucket support anon? You haven't payed still...

[vortex123]

Anon, what’s the creepiest/craziest thing someone has done to try to cheer you up?

[TRUSTeT34M]

10606220
The happiest ending to story involving Karens,
Hands down

[HeartlessNobody1992]

To Anon and the workers at Anon 69 News: What was the most cringiest, most embarrassing and most weirdest moment while on your job?

Call it morbid curiosity, I just gotta know...

[Mist_Chaser]

10777326
This is a teen rating story. Keep it PG-13 or you are going to get your comments deleted...

[ObsPerson]

10777374
What's the difference between my comment and the tons of sexual innuendos that exist in this story?

[Mist_Chaser]

10778510
They hint at the sex without getting too descriptive. The word you used actually falls in the list of words that are classified as mature. The joke was also just terrible...

[ScarletHarmony]

If you wanna get ship done, have you considered going all Joker on Equestria? I mean old comic Joker, not modern Joker. Just throwing yourself into a vat of unknown chemicals and turning into a criminal mastermind.

[Vibrant lies]

Last updated: December 21 2020

*blinks*

How the hell has it been 18 months!?!? Well, I hope things are going well wherever you are!