Anon 69 News

by Amilition

National Park Under Fire for Wasting 40 Million Bits to Pamper a Charming Bunny

Outrage today as leaked finance records from the National Park Service reveals a gross misusage of funds. How can the agency manage to spend over 40 million bits all on a single bunny?

And did Celestia molest everypony in Equestria-

Knock, knock, knock.

Oh, that's my pizza. One sec.

"Hello? Yes, sorry. I'd rather not open my door since the last time I got jumped by a group of mares. If you wouldn't mind just slide each slice individually through the mail slot, that would really help me out. Thanks.

Sounds of pizza getting squished through a mail slot.

"Uh. . . how are you going to pay for this?"

"Just put it on my tab. I'll pay for it later."

"Uh. . . ok I guess."

Plop.

Mmm. Oh yeah. That's the good stuff. Oh shit forgot. Ahem.

From Anon 69 Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. I'll be right there.

Pizza mushing continues.

Mmm. Yeah. This is some good shit.

Todays episode is sponsored by the new horror movie Cupcakes. Staring Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Coming to theaters near you. Check it out, bring your grandma, bring your kids, it'd be a fun experience. Should be out around the weekend.

The National Park Service, NPS, is under fire this week, after internal audits reveal the agency has spent over 40 million bits to pamper a single charming bunny. Though politicians from both sides of the aisle calling the expenditures wasteful, NPS officials are defending their decision to spoil the bunny who they named Angle. We're joined by Anon 69 Correspondent Twix, covering this story. Hello, Twix.

"Will you ever get my name right Anonymous?"

Nope. So, 40 million bits allocated to one animal. This is pretty unusual, is it not?

"It certainly is. The National Park Service spends very little on individual animals. However, confiscated letters from the NPS reveal top officials have become enamored with Angle, a 4 pound bunny they described as charismatic, with a magnetic personality and creamy white that make you truly seen."

And they're attempting to woo him. How exactly is the money being spent?

"Gifts mostly. Expense reports from NPS audit show rangers have 8 million bits on housing the bunny in luxury wilderness resort, 2 million on high end meals and trips, and over 500,000 bits on custom suits alone."

That does seem excessive. How are officials defending these expenses?

"NPS representatives have been adamant that it is completely within the agency's purview to give special treatment to specific animals deemed exceptional. This is NPS Superintendent Sandwich Mayo explained it."

"You know, maybe if some of you bothered to take the time to get to know Angle before judging him, you'd understand, ok? In fact you know what? I'm petitioning the advisory board to provide an additional 3 million bits to clear cut an aspen grove so Angle has more room to frolic. I love that bunny."

Strong words from the Superintendent. Everypony at the NPS is in agreement on spending millions of bits on this debonair bunny?

"Well I spoke with several park rangers and the results are mixed. Take a listen."

"Look, he's just a regular bunny. Its wrong to waste taxpayer money on one stupid animal, and really most bunnies look the same. They might not have been pampering the same one for all they know."

"One time, we stayed up all night just to watch the sunrise. He's so dreamy. Oh my Celestia! Did he mention me!?"

It appears that Angle may have more admirers than detractors.

"That's right. And his biggest admirer may just be National Park Service Acting Director Sketch Feather, who just yesterday just posted several photos to a local newspaper business from a beach resort in the Minotaur Kingdom with Angle the bunny. In one, the pair can be seen standing on a luxurious boat smoking cigars together, while in another the bunny appears to be at a club surrounded by dancing female minotaurs, all allegedly on NPS's bit."

Wow. Well it sounds like this controversy is far from over. Thank you Twiggy.

"Your welcome."

This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.

Click.

"Its that time again! Send us your questions!"

Comments

[Mist_Chaser]

Twix?... does this mean there is a left and right one?

[Brony of the Revolution]

When you sneak into Luna's room, do you use her socks to masturbate?

[vortex123]

Did you ever attempt to gain the ability to use magic, and if so, how badly did it backfire?

[Omegaxxx]

Do you folk over at Anon 69 accept donations and or gifts?

[3DTV]

How much water can you fit in a watermelon

[Theprophetice]

Did you ever had sex with luna?

[CharacterRoulette]

Um, I was wondering umm, what is the weccomended amount of Dedotated wam Ize should have to server?

[PonyDragon]

"Hello? Yes, sorry. I'd rather not open my door since the last time I got jumped by a group of mares. If you wouldn't mind just slide each slice individually through the mail slot, that would really help me out. Thanks.
Sounds of pizza getting squished through a mail slot.

How does that even sound like?

---

Question:
What does Celestia think about your "involvement" with Luna?
And does she pick sides in the "battle" between Cadance and Chrysalis?

[Foreflight]

Outrage today as leaked finance records from the National Park Service reveals a gross misusage of funds. How can the agency manage to spend over 40 million bits all on a single bunny?

Well, you see, cherries can get very valuable when you really, really, want them