The Nightmare Cultists sending a strong, clear, message today.
"All ponies must die for our goddess, Nightmare Moon! And she will make the night eternal!"
What does it mean for ponies and their mortality? Why specifically ponies?
And a new study conducted by Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns find an astonishing five-out-of-five equestrians don't know what Princess Luna is doing in the shower.
"La la la laaaa!~ Wha- Anon! Get out of my bathroom! How did you get in here!? Guards! GUARDS!"
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Unfortunately I don't have my underwear at the moment but thank the gods that you guys don't know what those are.
An ominous proclamation from the Cult of Nightmare Moon confirming that everypony in Equestria must die for their goddess, Nightmare Moon. Here with more is Night Guard/Anon 69 Correspondent, Stella.
"Hello Anon."
It seems like the CNM isn't mincing words with this one.
"No, not at all."
Dreaded Secretary of Nightmare Moon, Moon Pie, laid out details for the "perfect" plan to shroud the land in dark magic and exterminate everypony from the Equestrian lands in a press conference outside the CNM federal building last night. Here is a portion of that speech;
There shall be an account in which all ponies will neal before their new goddess, Nightmare Moon! Soon everypony will feel the piercing bite of our night-thrusting sword weilded by the Cults of Nightmare Moon! Thus spake I Dreaded Secretary of Nightmare Moon, Moon Pie!'
Well, this is definitely concerning. Did she give any reason why specifically ponies?
"Well, members of the Press Corps pushed Ms. Pie to clarify aspects of the initiative but all we got in response was incoherent screaming.
But the short answer to this is because, well, their evil.
"Yeah, they certainly are Mr. Anonymous."
The CNM has been criticized in the past for proposals that leave the streets slick with blood of the innocent and run well over budget, sometimes by millions of bits. How is this plan different from the rest of CNM's plans?
"In the past, CNM has been more focused on terrorizing. Standing in a circle and blabbering nonsense, knocking over trash cans, and even stealing Celestia's cake. Witch turned out to be a horrible idea once she found out as they were sent to the moon shortly after. She still denies this till this day, but nopony believes her. Projects that horrified the populace but unfortunately they never went through with them due to their lack of "evil." Details on the plan are still vague. Here is Ms. Pie again;"
"Do not question the Secretary you insects! Soon our goddess will be here and you shall be in unending suffering!
Well, now they made it official, what can ponies do to opt out of this plan?
"Great question. Ms. Pie addressed this at the end of the conference. Here is that clip.
Incoherent screams of terror.
Sounds like a no. Well, is the Princess of Magic handling this?
"Well, we don't know but we did see a bright rainbow light appear in the direction of the CNM, so we can assume so."
That is great. Well, I'll be seeing you Stella.
"See ya Anon. Hey, we still having drunk sex tonight right-"
Shhh shush. Bye. Go. See ya. . . ahem.
Well, this has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Equestrians buying useless things among a flu crisis. In witch, I can't find any damn toilet paper to wipe my ass with.
And old rules books dating back to BNM have been found. Seems like there used to be a rule in witch every week, each citizen was required to give a whole cake to Celestia.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Hope your ears are hungry because we are about to feed them a news buffet.
Anon 69 News is sponsored by Sweet Apple Acres. The sweetest apples in Equestria. Go on and buy a few while they last. Don't make me beg.
Bad news, a new flu has broken out, and citizens are scared. This has caused them to go to grocery stores and go on a buying spree, buying what ever their little grubby hoofs can get. Here with me is a new Anon 69 Correspondent, Cracker Jack. Hello Cracker.
"Hi Mr. Anonymous."
Please, call me Anon. So, have we learned anything about the virus? Symptoms and such?
"Well, researchers observed that first signs of this flu is the uncontrollably feeling to scream non stop."
Oh that's horrifying.
"Indeed it is."
Have we heard anything from either of the princesses?
"Yup. Princess Celestia gave a speech about it three days ago. Here is a clip;
My little ponies. The situation is under control. My dear student is working hard to find a vaccine to this flu. Do not panic-
"We're all gonna die! Everypony for themselves!"
Panicked screaming starts.
"Wait, my little ponies- hey don't throw that- put that back! Just calm down and- my crown!"
Static.
Oh wow.
"This then caused ponies to go on a panic shopping spree across the land. Buying everything they can get."
What would you say is the most top item Equestrians buy?
"That would be toilet paper."
No wonder I can't buy any. Its because they keep buying them all.
"I feel your pain. I had to use my dog to wipe my behind."
Excuse me?
"Nothing!"
We'll thank you Mr. Jack for coming on.
"Your welcome Anon."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months On
Scientists are calling it the perhaps the biggest set back ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why a son of a bitch mouse is to blame.
And later, an alarming new study from the Department of Damage Control says that most world ending catastrophes could of been easily caught on camera.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. When I read you the news, I feel invincible.
Well, it was supposed to be a day of celebration, but a huge setback in the field of neuroscience happened at University of Neuroscience.
I am joined by Night Guard/Anon 69 Correspondent, Stella, who has the story, thanks Stella for joining us today.
"Thanks for having me, Anon."
So what happened? Why are these researchers so disappointed?
"Well it all started a few years ago when these neuroscientists began creating a highly intricate Y maze for a mouse subject to go through. By observing the mouse's cognitive processes while going through the maze over a long period of time, the researchers believed they'd be able to make key discoveries that will change the face of neuroscience as we know it."
Sounds like a worthwhile study.
"So they put millions of bits and thousands of work hours into the experiment, spent months of securing funding, learning complex illusion magic. All so they can build a maze that would take weeks, even months for the mouse to finish. But when they began the experiment early today, they didn't get the results they were looking for. Here is the footage of how it went down today."
"Okay. Rat Nest, lead researcher, and today is truly a historic occasion. As we begin a long, long, journey on the road of expanding our knowledge on the pony condition. We worked endlessly for years and today we're about to try out the maze for the first time! And all of this work is finally going to pay off. Here we go. Release the gate."
"Releasing gate."
Sounds of hooves stomping.
"Truly an incredible. . . what the fuck!?"
"He already made his way to the cheese!"
"What in Celestia's name!?"
"He solved it in like, two seconds."
"This took us fucking forever to make and he solved it just like that!?"
"Son of a bitch!"
"Fucking little bastard!"
Sound of cursing continue.
Yikes. Would not want to be on the research team.
"Me too, Anon. This study was supposed to assist in the treatment of lots of neurodegenerative disease. Horn Failure, Permanent Wing Boners, you name it. But now it looks like a dud thanks to this mouse that the researchers are calling it quote, "A Peace of Shit." Here is some more of that footage."
"You little fucker!"
"Its taunting at us, look at it! Its just running back and forth through the maze."
"You asshole! You think you some kind of big hotshot huh? Fuck you!"
"Dear Celestia. . . I worked so hard on this. All those sleepless nights, my wife left me. I haven't spoken to my foals in months. I should of never become a scientist."
Wow, a true tragedy. Thanks for your reporting, Stella.
"Thank you."
In other news, the Equestrian Department of Damage Control released a report earlier this week, which found that the majority of our nations catastrophes could of been easily been caught on camera. Anon 69 Correspondent, Cracker Jack, who has been covering this story joins me now. Thanks for being here Cracker.
"Its great to be here."
Obviously its a tragedy when you hear about a world ending catastrophe has happened that could of been easily filmed but wasn't. Weather it be a dark horse lady trying to make the world enter eternal darkness, or a chaotic god escaped and got chocolate everywhere. But to hear that the majority of catastrophe could of been easily filmed, that's tough to swallow. What can you tell us about this report?
"Well your right, its alarming. According to the new data, over 80% of catastrophes were situations where had somepony been paying a little more attention perhaps, we could of avoided not having cool coverage footage of it all together."
That's a high percentage. And correct me if I'm wrong, earlier data from the Department of Damage Control shows that the number of catastrophes is way up while the footage of these are way down?
"Yeah, its a disturbing trend. So many catastrophes tragically have no surviving footage at all. And their new study may of found out why. I spoke to the Department of Damage Control spokesperson, Demolition Rose, who says the report identified a few common reasons why so many catastrophes go unfinished."
"Screaming and running in random directions while the pony should of been filming is a leading factor in most catastrophes never to be seen by the public. If you see something life threatening happening, don't go screaming, get out your camera, zoom in on the dark mysterious figure, and film.
"Rose says that panicking nearly caused two thirds of catastrophes to go un-filmed. And lack of video can also be caused by pony error. The pony fainting instead of having his or her camera ready. But according to DDC, texting has suppressed the previous leading factor."
And what was that?
"Spontaneously bursting out in a song about how friendship will overpower evil. Here is Rose about it."
"Singing can severely slow reaction time and can impair judgement wich is essential when you need to grab your camera when you see a dark mist approach your city. This is why we have been selling specialized muzzles to keep you from opening your yap and to be ready to film cool as tartarus catastrophes.
Wow, so a lot of things that could of been easily avoided.
"Unfortunately yes. And even if a good citizen does step in to film, its already too late as the Princess of Friendship and her friends already stoped it. I spoke with members of Mothers Against Missing Sweet Fucking Catastrophes or MAMSFC, and they don't seem surprised at the data. One member, Creamy Heart, knows all too well just one moment you can lose everything you thought you had on film.
"I saw the Princess of Friendship fighting a centaur thing then all of the sudden the centaur shoots a beam at the tree library, destroying it. It was absolute carnage.Sniff. But it all happened so fast. Everything was so blurry. The whole film you can barely see because I was rushing and my hoof was over the camera a little bit, I was trying to stop it, you know covering the lens but I guess I hit the wrong button and I-I-I pointed the camera the wrong direction. And I just recorded my face.
Sobbing starts.
Absolutely heart breaking. Cracker, how is the DDC getting word out to help motorists these easily filmable catastrophes?
The DDC will be providing ponies tips and warnings through a new ad campaign called, "Click it or Miss it." Rose says that she hopes that ponies will put this into practice to ensure that they don't miss a golden opportunity to film a catastrophe.
Its scary to think you will be forced into retelling of the catastrophe you experienced instead of putting it up on a projector.
"Yeah, but the truth is, no matter how much you prepare, ponies can't predict when the next catastrophe will occur. And every second counts. So if you stay calm, take a deep breath can remember WMC. Where's My Camera. You should be fine.
Great advice. Its always important to be prepared. Thanks Mr. Jack.
"Your welcome."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Luna is in critical condition today when she stabbed her self in the flank while cleaning her sword. Hear what her doctors say about her chances of surviving and just how surprised they were to learn that Luna has a flank.
And did you hear about the new fashion trend? Apparently you wrap tin foil around your horn. I tried it and it looks great! Don't ask me how I wrapped tin foil around my horn when I don't got one. That's a secret.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Remember to request for notifications in your newspaper to be alerted of future episode schedules, or if you'd prefer something more personal, send us your home address if you would like to have a Anon 69 Staff member throw a brick into your window every time a new episode is out. Anon 69 holds no responsibility for any property or personal damage including, death and dismemberment. Back with our lead story right after this.
This is yet again sponsored by Sweet Apple Acres. Sweetest Apples in Equestria. Thank god that they are able to sponsor us or we will be kicked out and forced to live on the streets. Again, Sweet Apple Acres. Sweetest Apples in Equestria.
Millions express concern today as the princess of the noon and the stars creation was rushed to the hospital today after accidentally stabbing her self wile cleaning her sword.
Joining us is another new Anon 69 Correspondent, Twiggles Leaf.
"Its actually Twigs but-"
Twigs let's get to it. Is Luna gonna survive this accident?
Sigh."Anonymous, I am currently standing outside the Mayo Clinic, where just moments ago doctors have assured us that following surgery, Luna's condition is stabilizing. She is currently under observation, but as of now, doctors says the injuries do not seem to be life threatening.
Well that's a relief, do we know what happened?
"The Night guard believe she stabbed herself in the right flank while cleaning her Zweihänder. Witnesses report the sound of her screaming at a, "Green Monkey" for, "Making her stab her self because he stroked her horn without her consent." At 7:45 in the morning. Followed by the royal highness her self stumbling into view clutching her flank with her wing. Followed by more screaming, "Oh fuck. Oh shit. It hurts so bad."
Well that sounds super concerning. And I bet that monkey just wanted to feel what a horn feels like. But it sounds like it could of been a lot worse.
"Oh absolutely. Luna is a big weapons collector, as you know, and if she was cleaning her Saber or her Dao, her injuries could have been far more serious.
Oh I bet.
"Doctor Snowfall was present for the surgery. Here is what she has to say.
"Fortunately, Luna has missed any major arteries and we were able to stich up the wound. There may be permanent scaring on the flank, but honestly, its a little hard to tell because her tail keeps getting in the way. It was hard to move the tail due to the tail being non-physical. We had to dig through so, so many stars."
Now Twiggles-
"Its Twigs."
Luna is obviously a very high profile patient, and the fact that she was wounded has sparked a national conversation about weapons safety. There are hundreds of accidental weapons death each year, not even counting the Lunar and Celestial realms. Do you have any advice for our listeners about weapons safety to avoid an accident like this one?
"Yes. Responsible weapons owners are reminded to always make sure you put a dulling spell on your weapon before cleaning it. And to never point it at your self, star creator or not."
So when do we expect her highness to return to ruling with her sister?
"Well as you know, Luna is a real fighter, and we expect that there will be a relatively short period of time before he will make a full recovery. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we see her back on the training grounds today.
That is good news. Well thank you for coming on Twigs.
"I told you its Twi- oh. Uh, thank you Anonymous."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
Chrysalis: 'Nopony Can Out Molest the Changelings'
A major announcement from the Hive today coming in response to the sexual abuse scandalous that have have rocked the views of the changelings. Chrysalis herself, sending a powerful message.
"Nopony, and I mean nopony, out molests the Changelings, especially not some damn Princess of Love!"
Should Princess Cadence be worried?
And did you know bat ponies really, really, love fruit. In fact, we have video of what happens when you leave a bat pony alone with a pear. Unfortunately we can't play it due to its graphic and sexual content. Not even the audio. Freaky, right?
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. We got what it takes to fill your news void.
Major news today out of the Hive, Queen Chrysalis addressed the latest set of sexual abuse allegations, announcing that changelings around the world were not about to be out molested by some damn Princess of Love.
"To my fellow children. Heed my word. Nopony out molests the changelings, no pony, especially not some pathetic excuse of a princess!"
Night guard/Anon 69 Correspondent Stella joins us now from the Hive. Hi Stella.
"Sup Anon. Today was a monumental day in the Hive. Just hours ago, Queen Chrysalis walked out into the balcony, addressed a major swarm and told them quote, "that if Princess Cadence comes for her, she best not miss." Take a listen;"
"Were Changelings, damn it! We already have thousands of abused ponies, no, creatures on the books. You really think were gonna let a single fucking whore beat us at the molestation game? Pfft, please."
Well she certainly doesn't seem to be pulling any punches. What's the queens strategy here?
"Well Anon, the queen strategy is to essentially put the princess of love on blast. Almost immediately after he called her quote, "barely even a molester," and even went so far to dis her quote, "I even molested your husband. Beat that bitch." She then invited Princess Cadence and her family to the Hive to, "show them how its done."
Wow, sounds like shots fired. Has the princess responded?
"Yes in fact, the princess issues an official statement today strongly condemning the Queen's announcements by saying quote, "if you crusty ass bugs want a molest off, then you got yourselves one."
Interested to see how this one plays out. Thank you so much, Stella.
"Thanks. Anon."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
The town of Neighbria in a sad, sad ceremony today, honoring those who will die in the imminent dam disaster.
And scientist have found a strange anomaly. Once you mention its name, Prometheus, you will lose all memory about it. . . what was I talking about?
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. We present you the news like your some ambassador. Weird fetish, I know.
Today we are sponsored by The Wonderbolts. The Wonderbotls will be playing here in Canterlot this weekend. Get your tickets now before they sell out or you might have to watch it from a far in a bush you fucking creep. Now back to our story.
Earlier today, the town of Neighbria built a memorial for the impending deaths of the residents. Cracker Jack joins us now for more on the story. Hello Cracker.
"Greetings Anonymous."
So tell us, why did they build this memorial?
"As you know, the popular land mark, the Folsom Dam, has been a beacon of prosperity. But ever since a spillway gate has been leaking for the past four years, its been nothing but a symbol of doom for the hundreds maybe thousands of souls that will soon be consumed by its on rushing waters. But this year, the mayor has finally decided to act, budgeting 20,000 bits to build a memorial for the victims of the inevitable tragedy. Here is the mayor now."
"This disaster. . . will have been preventable. All of the warnings signs are here now. . . yet, nopony will do nothing. . . or anything about it.
So let me get this straight, this could and can still be totally avoided, right?
"Yes. They have all the resources and bits needed to fix it. Yet, they choose not to."
. . . wow.
"Unveild at a ceremony today the Folsom disaster remembrance statue is intended to provide comfort for those who are about to lose their family members, friends or even their own lives in the disaster. We asked the mayor's assistant for any words on this matter. Here is what she said.
"I only wish there was some way to avoid this terrible tragedy. . . that didn't require so much funding."
Sounds really tragic. Do we know where they're building the memorial?
"Yes we do Anon. The memorial is built on high ground overlooking the dam so that it won't be swept away along with the rest of the town and its citizens. It was designed by griffin artist, Rocky Egg. Here is what she has to say about it."
"This memorial is a classic Equestrian style because this would be a historic national tragedy."
"The memorial will be etched with the names of the victims once they're killed. One name is already been added, Blizzard Snowflake, a civil engineer who works in the dams control tower and will be undoubtedly be the first to be killed by the 80 billion tons of water once it bursts. He let us talk to him and his wife about this soon to be tragic event."
"The memorial will be the place where we will remember him forever."
"My grave won't matter because they're not gonna find my body."
Do we know how many ponies it wil fit on the memorial?
"Well Anon, the memorial was designed to accommodate 500 names after considering the number of homes in the area."
"I will take full responsibility. . . for when the tragedy happens. I am tendering my resignation effective the day the dam finally breaks."
"I think once the massive death toll becomes apparent, I will end my own life."
Well thank you Mr. Jack on the story. I will be seeing you.
"Thanks, Anon. Cracker out."
Sigh.
I'm sure one of the princesses will fix this.
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. See you till next time.
Shocking news today, a group of sentient toilets walk out of their owners houses and stage a protest in the middle of the street.
And later, new researcher Fluttershy, the bearer of kindness, teaches her animals of their impending doom of dying.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. I am currently hiding in princess Luna's room, may god have mercy on me if she finds me.
This afternoon, reports of toilets walking out to protest in the streets of Manehatten shocked the public. Night guard/Anon 69 Correspondent Stella joins us now from Manehatten.
"Anon. . . do I really have to do this? Its really late for me and its my day off."
Don't give me that attitude Stella. Remember, you woke me up at 3 in the morning to eat, you know what, out. Not a pleasant experience if I say so myself Stella. Especially with a hangover.
"B-but-"
No buts! You said you'd pay me back.
"I thought you were talking about bits! Ugh! Fine!"
Thank you!
"Residents were shocked this morning when their toilets simultaneously grew a face, arms, and legs, and proceeded to walk out of their homes and onto the street. Carrying signs that read, "Stop Treating Us Like Shit" and "Piss Off Ponies!"
Have you talked to any of them?
"Damn it Anon, do I have to?"
Stella~, did you forget so easily of what you did?
"C'mon! You don't have to be so petty! Look, I'll give you a blowy tonight if you let me go back to sleep."
Hmmm. . . nah.
"Fuck!"
What was that?
"Nothing, nothing!"
Ok then. Go on now, interview one of the nice sentient toilets.
"Ugh. . . excuse me sir- erm thing? Uh, why exactly are you protesting?"
"I'll tell you what, ever since I gained conscious a few hours ago, I had the unending rage against ponies that just use us to expel their bodily fluids into us! So, my fellow brothers and I decided to take it into the streets. We want to be equals damn it!"
"And may I ask, how did you gain consciousness?"
"That would be because of me!"
"Hey, my microphone!"
And who may this be?
"Oh come on little human. Can you not guess the sexy voice of god of chaos?"
"Microphone, please!"
Wait, Discord? Ayyy, hows it been man?
"You know how it is. Sprinkling chaos here and there and overall annoying the princesses. Much fun if I say so myself. And you?"
Starting a new, news podcast to help make up for my crippling debt.
"Oh I know how that goes. Make it rain chocolate over a city, then they get mad at you for doing so. Demanding you to pay for damages. Mean c'mon! How can you be mad at chocolate milk!"
Ha ha! Sounds like it was hectic.
"I swear if you don't give me my micro-"
"Oh will you shut your yappers for a second!?"
Snap!
"Aaah, that's better."
Sounds of muffling coming from a distressed night guard.
Will she be alright?
"Don't worry. The effect should last for an hour or so."
What did you even do?
"Just take her mouth."
Well alright then. What about the toilets? Will they be turned back to normal?
"Nah, gonna have a bit more fun before Celly arrives. Don't worry about anypony getting hurt. Don't want to be turned to stone again."
Well good luck Discord.
"You to Mr. Anony-pie."
Distressed muffling continues.
Onto other news, researcher Fluttershy joins us now about her new project of alerting animals of their mortality and their impending death. Hello Ms. Flutters.
"Um. . . hi Anon."
So tell us Fluttershy, why have you started this project?
"Well it um. . . started a few months back when I was having a uh. . . conversation with one of my animals. They were talking about how much things they were going to do in the uh. . . world. It seemed like he wouldn't have time to do it all so um, being the bearer of kindness and all, I told him of his imminent death. I felt so happy to let him know. . . because now he should be able to make a schedule of what he wants to do before his um. . . impending doom."
Sounds. . . great? And, have you noticed any changes to your animals?
"Oh! Yes, definitely. They have been more active then usual. Learning about the insides of their bodies, especially the head! And they are even learning how to tie a noose. It makes my heart warm that they are doing so much more now they have learned about their fates!"
That is. . . something. And, can you tell us about your teaching techniques?
"Oh. . . its so simple. You face the animal. . . look them right in the eyes and say um . . . "You will die." All slow and like so they can understand you."
How have your friends and family reacted?
"They were mad at first. . . but until I explained to them why, they were really supportive!"
Wow. . . well I see a bright future for this project Ms. Fluttershy. Thanks for coming on.
"Oh um. . . your welcome Anonymous!"
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69-
"Anon!? How did you get in here you little pest!? I shall smite you for you incompetence!"
Not so shocking news, the green monkey of Equestria, AKA: Anonymous, was hospitalized yesterday. Will he learn from this? Or will he find another way to annoy Princess Luna?
And scientist are finding ways to reenact the futa incest sex that was described in an old text with visual magic. . . what the fuck? D-does he actual read out reports like this? Anypony? Ugh.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Twigs and this is Anon 69 News. Unfortunately, I'm the only free to do this. Anonymous is in the hospital, which you will hear about in a moment, Stella is sleeping, being a bat and all. And Cracker is out with family. So yay, you got me. I didn't want to be here but I'd be fired if I didn't do this.
Shuffling of paper.
Damn, forgot about that. Ahem. Listeners, don't forget to put in a request for notifications in your local newspaper press, to know when the next episode of Anon 69 airs. And if you don't, the dark lord will have to eat your first new born. Now back to the news!
Yesterday, the green monkey, also known as Anonymous, was rushed to the emergency room. Hearing from the reports that have been trickling out, apparently he was injured by the very princess Luna. No surprise. Here he joins us now from the hospital in his hospital bed, Mr. Anonymous. How are you feeling, Anon?
"I feel like total shit."
I bet.
"The crazy bitch hit me with a war hammer!"
Whoa, whoa! Anonymous! Don't talk about the princess like that. Especially since the public can hear you.
"Sorry, sorry. Forgot we were live."
Now. Can you tell us why you were struck by the princess?
"Ga dur ga dur. I don't know Twig-fucker. Maybe it it was because I was in her room."
Oh, is somepony mad?
"Shut it you. And its someone, not somepony."
Anyways, can you tell us, where she hit you?
"Yup. She hit me on the side of the head, chest, and even tried to go for a crotch shot. But with my quick thinking, I moved my knee in the way just in the right time. So I'm sitting here with a crack on my skull, broken ribs, and a fractured kneecap. Oh, and don't forget about bruises internal bleeding."
Sounds like your living the life.
"Twig-fuckles, I will boil your teeth."
Disturbing Anon.
Luna herself joins us now for more on the matter. Greetings your highness.
"Greetings fellow pony of Equestria."
So tell us princess, do we know how he got into your room? I heard it was supposed to have the highest security in Equestria, on par with princess Celestia.
"Well, when asked him nicely-"
"Bullshit! You were stomping on my hand, demanding how I got in there!"
"Shut it you worthless ape! I'll have you skinned and turned into a green welcome mat."
"Oh bite me, will ya? Our kind makes cloths out of you for fashion."
Hey guys, calm down a little. Were live.
"Ahem. I sincerely apologize. Now, when we asked him, he said, and I quote, "Walked in here like a boss." Then I proceeded to beat him a bit more. He then finally admitted that magic had no affect on. Witch explains why none of my magic traps activated. Apparently he and my sister, Celestia, were the only ones that knew. Then I proceeded to beat him more."
"Yeah, like a fucking bitch."
"I will teleport over there and beat your defenceless flank."
"Square up hoe!"
Sound of a magical teleportation spell used.
. . . guys. . .?
"Ahhhhh! Shes beating a defenseless monkey on the verge of extinction! Help! Life Alert, 911, somepony! Help!"
"Aha! So you do admit to being a mindless ape. Now stop struggling and let me smother you!"
Sounds of fighting start.
I'm sure that will be handled. Now, doctors say he should recover in the next couple of days or so. So don't fret on your favorite human dying.
"Damn right! If I'm going to pass, I wont do it without a fight!"
Crash!
"My nose! Why you little-"
"Ahhh! Shes got a sword!"
Sounds of fighting continue.
Well, the whole staff wish you a speedy recovery Mr. Anonymous.
This has been Twigs From Anon 69 News. I and other staff will be seeing you.
Click.
Dark Lord From Another Dimension Threatens Equestria. Nopony Is Surprised
Come, as you are~ as you were~ as I waaaant you to be~! As a friend-Ah shit! Were live! Shit, Anons gonna kill me if he figures out I was using his device! Fuck shit, forgot were live again! I-uh, fuck! Anon, if your listening to this, please, please forgive me. . . hehe. Ahem.
A dark lord from another dimension threatens Equestria, yet nopony is surprised.
And scientist find a weird blob that can transform into any of your sexual desires. Huh, gotta try that out some time.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, this is Anon 69 News. I'm Stella, and I'm currently drunk while doing news. I'd say its time you drank up.
Anon 69 News is sponsored yet again, by Sweet Apple Acres. The sweetest apples in Equestria. Go on and buy one, its really, really good. Trust me.
Earlier today, a dark lord that goes by the title of Dark Nuggs, has put out a statement that he will 'Destroy Equestria.' The feedback he received shocking. . . for him at least. Fellow Anon 69 Correspondent, Cracker Jack, joins us now for more on the matter. Hello Cracker.
"Hey Stella."
Cracker, can you describe what the situation looked like?
"Yup. Around 2:37pm, a giant portal leading into another dimension opened right above the town of Ponyville. A few moments after the opening of the portal, a giant squid monster floated from the portal. He then gave a speech, take a listen;"
"I have finally arrived! Mwuahahaha! Attention the planet of Equis! Your new god has arrived! Now bow before I, Dark Nuggs! Hahahaha!"
"The residents payed no mind to him as they moved on with their business. To say the least, he was pretty shocked."
"Hey! Why isn't anyone running or screaming? Not even a faint? C'mon, I'm supposed to be all scary and stuff."
"He then continued to do a series of gestures with his tentacles. All the while shouting things, and I quote, "Hey look at me." and "I'm a big scary monster, about to destroy your world. You should probably run, or something." We interviewed a mare named Lyra Heartstrings on the matter."
"So tell us, why did you nor anypony else run or hide?"
"I think its mostly due on the fact Ponyville is like, the center of all monster attacks. The first 10 times, yeah it was scary, but now. . . well its basically the norm around here. And considering princess Twilight always takes care of it, it just makes every attack dull. If anything, I'd say a day without a monster attack would be more scary."
"Well thank you Ms. Heartstrings for your time."
"So when do I get to suck the human's fingers?"
"Lyre, I don't think we should be talking about that."
"We made a deal. Now when do I- hey! Get back here! We made a deal!"
Interesting. Hey Cracker, do you think you can tell me a bit more about that deal?
"Nope. And I will keep it that way till the day I die."
Hehe. All jokes aside, what ever happened to Dark Nuggs?
"He promptly left back into the portal after calling us, "useless bags of meat." And everything returned back to normal. Well, as normal as it could."
Sounds like he was disappointed.
"Sure did."
Well then, we'll be seeing you Cracker Jack. Audios amigo.
"See you later, Stella."
Before we wrap up todays episode, I want to let you guys know that every ten episodes, we will be accepting letters asking us questions and in the next episode, Anonymous will answer them.
Now then, this has been Stella from Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Its the hottest trend among our nations teens, but could it be deadly? Hear why the Royal Guards is warning against the use of flavored blades.
And can rocks feel sexual pleasure? There is only one way to find out.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Cracker Jack and this is Anon 69 News. Is there a doctor around? Because I feel like I'm having a news attack.
It seems like more and more people are using them each day, but the Royal Guards issued a major warning to consumers today against the potential health risks associated with flavored blades. Anon 69 Correspondent, Twigs, has been following this story and joins us now. Hello Twigs.
"Hello Mr. Jack."
So Twigs, what promoted the Royal Guards to issue this warning?
"Well, federal experts are investigating reports of severe injuries and even deaths that could be connected to sucking on a sharpe blade several times a day. Royal Guard captain Shinning Armour talked to the press this morning and had this to say."
"So far at least 33 towns have reported 450 cases of flavored blade users experiencing severe negative health effects that include cutting half their face off and even succumbing to sudden death."
"Shinning also cited the results of a recent study showing a surge in underage use of the blades dipped in flavor pods with names like, Candy Cuts, Iron and Watermelon, Sharp Whipped Cream and Death by Chocolate, which experts say appeal to teens."
"Foals are calling it Slicing, and the trend is spreading incredibly fast because kids like the taste of the blade and share their weapons with their friends who then go out and get their own to stick in their mouths."
And are smiths who make these flavored blades taking any responsibility?
"Not exactly. Smiths have repeatedly stated that they do not advertise flavored blades twords children, and as long as you don't shove the blade down your throat, its all harmless fun. And right now, they are currently fighting the flavored blade bans that some town mayors are trying to pass. One pony who is supporting the smiths is SHS President Scar Eye. Here is what the griffin had to say."
"The Equestrian rule books on sword owning and handling protects our rights to bear swords that are delicious. Of course, we advocate for responsible flavored blade ownership and as long as you practice moderation, its a great way to tak the edge off. Plus, you can use them indoors with visually second hand health effects. Just watch.Aaamm!Mhmm! I love it!
Slice!
Screams in terror fill the background.
"Aaahhh! There's blood everywhere!"
Oh Celestia, is he ok?
"Mr. Eyes should gain most movent in his face back after a few surgeries. Though he denies that the cause of her recent hospitalization had anything to do with the flavored blade he had in his mouth at the time."
Well it looks like we'll have to wait a little longer for the verdict to come back on these flavored blades. Thank you Twigs.
"You bet."
Well, its never too early to start thinking about the future. And top financial experts recommend that those in the most volatile job markets should make it a priority. Analysts are especially encouraging young grifters to start laying down the groundwork for their long con before the age of 25. One of the well known scam artist, Flam, joins us now. Hello, Flam.
"Hey there Cracker."
So Flam, why is it so important for these young hustlers to start working on their big scam early?
"Even though grifting offers a lot more flexibility than a job in a organized racketeering, a con artist never really knows when the next sucker is going to come along. Plain and simple, it takes time to lay the bricks that gets you on the path to easy town.
I see. So how should young con stallions and con mares be investing?
"Most advisors strongly urge young scammers to put away 10% of their side hustle earnings while they're still in their early twenties. Yeah, sure, it may not seem glamorous, but burning fur never is. And nopony wants to be pick pocketing saddle bags or shaving dice when they're 90. Just listen to some of the gold brickers I spoke with recently."
"I had a nice racket going, stealing purses from little old rich mares in the park. It was easy bits. But now I'm 45 and I'm slow and I got an arrest record that severely limits my earning potential."
Jail cell opening.
Well I had my long con all planned out and ready to go. Had my fake ID, found my mark, had a long running Wonderbolts performance, putting a few politicians into some compromising photograph positions. It was beautiful. But now, instead of sipping on some of the finest cider in Equestria in my own mansion like I should be, I'm locked up in this joint because of no good, double-crossing broad Midnight Rose."
"Now Bed Bunk got a bad rap. But that's why financial analysts also suggest diversifying your portfolio of scams to include modern ventures such as duping, fortune telling, and running illegal griffin ID farms."
Sounds like there are a lot of good investment options out there for young swindlers. So if grifter does put the pieces of a long con into place, when should it pay off?
"Depends on the scam. But if your smart and responsible with your schemes, not too long. Take Midnight Rose for example. She used the cash she pinched off of Bed Bunk to get her hooks into a rich, old noble early."
"Hehehe! I just pulled some strings, paid a few bribes, and suddenly I find myself the personal nurse of a 93 year old stallion that is the CEO of a successful building business. Awww, Wood Plank, such a sweetie. Well anyhoo, one thing led to the other and we got married! It wasn't long after he changed his will he had a terrible accident. I'll never forgive myself for parking his wheelchair under that crane, dangling that pile of bricks. Mmmm, want some cider?"
Well, to anyone who's listening in the bilking industry, you might want to start working toward that bigger goal sooner than later. Thanks Flam.
"Hey, put her there partner."
Oh, alright. See ya. What a nice pony. Wait, what the. . .? He took my watch. That son of a bitch took my watch! I gotta go after him. W-where is my carriage ID?
Sound of a carriage riding off.
Hey! That's my carriage identification card you asshole! Damnit!
This has been Cracker Jack From Anon 69 News. We're gonna cut it short today to find somepony to take me home later. But when were back we will talk about, I don't know, the economy or something.
Fuck!
Click.
Knock, knock, knock.
"Oh Anooon~!"
Come in!
"Guess what Anon?"
What.
"We got some letters~!"
God damnit. Do I have to open them?
"Unless you want to be in here for longer, yeah. Yeah, ya do."
Can't argue with that. Fine. Pass me the first one.
"Aye, aye, captain!"
Lets see what we got. . . ahem. "Have you tried washing his hands in vinegar and offering them to Lyra to pay off that deal? It might guarantee she never asks again if they taste bad." Man, why didn't I think of that instead.
"What did you use instead?"
I used salt.
"Pffft! Ha! How did that go?"
Not a pleasant experience. She got high as fuck and tried eating my hands after that. Had to call the nurses to get her off of me.
"You poor, poor bastard. Kay, here's another."
"Here's my question. When Luna was beating you to a bloody pulp, did you get a boner?" I shall neither deny nor confirm that.
"Maybe I should try that with you next time. Wink, wink."
Shush you pony lips before I put sock in there.
"Didn't know you were into sock play~."
I will fondle your kneecaps, Stella.
"Hehe. Another one incoming."
"Dear Anon, being the only human and being a healthy, normally, male we were wondering... just how blue are those balls? Or have you gone native?" Man, I tell you what. For the first couple of years being here, my balls were more blue than the sky. That was until mine and Stella's arrangement.
"So that's why you came when I barley licked it."
What was that?
Nothing! Nothing at all! Here, open another one."
"I wonder if anon got guns...." How the hell do you ponies know what guns are? Anyways, I tried to make a homemade ones, nearly blew my hand off.
"Weird, Anon. Ok, last one."
"So Anon besides the obvious, you bone any other ponies besides Stella?" Well-
"You best not, you fucking green monkey. I'm all that you need to suite your sexual desires. And fuck herds, not enough cock to go around."
. . . woah, Stella.
"Sorry, sorry. Bad experience in the past. So why don't we throw that letter away."
Hey! I still haven't answered them yet!
"Do you really want to answer it?"
. . . ok, maybe not.
"Good boy."
Click.
Celestia To Open Diplomatic Talks With Raging Blizzard
Guess who's back, back again? Anon is back, tell a friend. Welcome to Anon 69 news deer listeners. If you haven't heard, I finally got released from the hospital today. That means I can go back to work. . . you know, now thinking about it, this fucking sucks.
Anyways, making a bold move today, princess Celestia announced she will try to negotiate with a raging blizzard that has been plaguing around Crystal Empire.
And magic and the justice system. Could a magical orb be used to to charge someone with planning a big time bank heist? A heist so big, they wont have to work at the public radio another day?
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. We'll spoon feed you the news faster than any other news.
Today, princess Celestia is to open diplomatic talks with the raging blizzard around the Crystal Empire, an ally of Equestria. Stella has more on the topic. Hello, Stella.
"Hey Anon. Glad your back."
I'm happy you are because I'm not. So, why has Celestia opted to talk with the blizzard?
"Well, as you know, Equestria and the Crystal Empire has been trying to get rid of this nasty blizzard for over centuries. But last week, Celestia announced she will try a different path. This morning, Celestia's secretary, Raven, stated the princess is confident she can convince the icy snow to stop freezing everything in their path."
"The princess plans to make the blizzard understand that our difficulties are shared difficulties. Not ponies against snow but ponies and snow working out their differences."
"Princess Celestia is already en route to the Frozen North where she will be shuttled into the maw of the raging blizzard."
Stella, this snow never relented for hundreds of years. What is Celestia's strategy here?
"Well, look. Previous ideas have immediately resorted to try and melt the blizzard. But this is a new and better plan. She just didn't think that a combative approach with the sun and fire would work this time."
But so far the blizzard has refused to acknowledge any of the overtures the princess has made. Celestia sent a letter requesting it cease its destruction. Apparently it froze it up before even reading it.
"That's true. But look, politically this is a stroke of genius, I think. The most powerful being is offering a olive branch to this blizzard and the blizzard looked pretty bad here. Childish even, just freezing it up like that."
And Celestia is presenting the blizzard with a gift? A charred table leg from the old Castle of the Two Sisters that was torched by Nightmare Moon?
"That's exactly right. As the princess said in a statement, "Snow has a complex, beautiful and at times, a destructive history. But we would remiss if we did not recognize its unique ability to create as well."
And that must of been the idea behind all those photo ops with the various blizzards over the past few days. But Stella, co-ruler princess Luna's meeting with the blizzard two days ago was considered a total failure. There also seems to be a lot of nobles who aren't convinced we should even approach the blizzard.
"That's for sure Anonymous. Even prince Blueblood had something to say."
"Celestia, my dear auntie, puts snow first. Someponies say, "Blueblood, you're crazy. Its not like she gets up in the morning and thinks, "What can I do to help the blizzard?" Well you know what? I'm not sure she doesn't"
What do you make of this Stella?
"As Celestia said numerous times, if he wanted to, she could go back to fighting it, but she doesn't want that. I believe its going to require all of the princess' diplomacy skills to make the blizzard see that putting itself out is what's best for both parties."
Alright, thank you Stella for coming on.
"Its my pleasure."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
I want everything barricaded! Nopony in or out! Cracker, help me move the couch against the door.
"You got it, Anon!"
Twigler, check for supplies behind the refrigerator. I should have enough leftover supplies from last time.
"Yes sir!"
Sound of a couch scraping against the floor.
Ok, that should hold them. Twiglet, what's our food situation looking like?
"We have 4 packs of 10 water bottles but we only have about 12 cans of food!"
Damn it!
"That means one can of food a day for about 4 days."
Shit. That means were gonna have to go on a supply run soon.
"P-please don't let me be taken Mr. Anonymous! I-I don't like it rough! I was always a v-vanilla type of stallion! If they take me-"
Smack!
Get a hold of yourself! We won't let them take you, ok? We must work as a team if were going to survive this week. Now, lets get the radio set up.
Its that time of year again fellow males. Mares are in heat and they want your pickle. Here are some tips to keep you tool alive
And does Celestia really have the largest porn collection in Equestria as these rumours say.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News.
You know the procedure. Stay in isolation for seven days and do not trust any mare. All they want is your little man machine. Now if your new, you must think, "your crazy. Having mares lust after you is great!" Yes that's true but not during this time. They will do brutal things to you on days on end. Trust me, I've seen a friend of mine go horribly. So, here are some tips to stay alive.
Tip number one: stock up on supplies. No, don't go out and buy whatever your little grubby hooves can grab. Buy only what you need. There is a number three rule to this. It goes, food, water, and a full body costume. Now you may ask, "why would I need a full body costume?" That is to conceal your scent my friend. Mares during heat can smell a males scent from a mile away like a shark smelling blood.
Tip two: isolate yourself. Either be it by yourself or with other males. Of course don't do it with a mare. You will sign a death warrant if you isolate your self with a fellow mare. I don't care if they're your sister or ya mama. They will fuck the shit out of you like its Alabama.
Tip three: when a mare asks you to have sex, remember S.E.X. When a mare asks you to do the dirty with her, say, "yeah I love sex. Showing Everypony my Xylophone." This should confuse her long enough for you to get the hell out of there.
Tip four: get yourself pornography. Your about to go into isolation for a week. You have needs too, just not as strong. So grab your self some masturbating material to keep your self busy.
And finally five: stay calm. This will be over before you know it. No need to go into mass hysteria. So sit back, and just let the problems blow over.
Listeners, that should help you onto your hooves to prepare your self for the next week. Now let the mare apocalypse begin.
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. Good luck.
Click.
"Uh, Anon? Somepony is knocking on the door."
Well see who it is! It might be a stallion seeking shelter.
"Anon! We got a problem!"
What now?
"Its-"
"Anon, you fucking cunt bag! Why'd you leave me like that? Let me in! I want to talk with ya."
A desperate attempt to to fill the time of our programming, listen about this bullshit that happened somewhere today.
And researchers have found a incomplete spell by Starswirl the Bearded. Apparently you were to cast it onto your enemy and they will turn into a sex crazed addict and would have intimate love with the nearest inanimate object.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Each hour our doom draws nearer, so listen while you can.
We are at a point where we don't know how to fill the rest of our time, so here is some bullshit we're going to feed you today.
Here we got bullshit footage, in which our viewers can't see, which began just after three o'clock this afternoon when residents in this neighborhood were shocked to see this fairly common thing happening. An attractive witness described the event in breathless terms.
"I went to my window and I was like, "whoa, there's some bullshit happening."
Here's another witness.
"The bullshit happened over there, you know, near the trash n' shit. But I'm an older stallion, so you can trust what I say."
And finally we found this dog who also has some opinions on this bullshit.
Aggressive barking.
Authorities in special uniforms rushed to the scene to stand around and look important.
Anon 69 Correspondent, Cracker Jack joins us now live from the scene of the bullshit. Fuck you Cracker.
"Fuck you too Anonymous."
Our listeners can't see what we have here so there going to have to take our word for it but we have a colorful graph here that shows instances of bullshit like this on the rise, is that right?
"Yes, although why is unclear. Some say it's because of one fucking reason, others say it's because of some other fucking reason. I talked to a random hobo who claims to be a expert on this particular bullshit subject who told me this thing you're about to hear him say, right after he's done shitting on the sidewalk."
" I spent my entire life doing shit here and shit there to talk about bullshit like this. I'm really just happy to be on a podcast."
Now let's see if drag this shit out a little longer by showing some of our letters written by our listeners.
"Better hope Celestia's approach doesn't let the blizzard cold. Otherwise the blizzard will let her cold... (Bad pun, I know... Not that I would be sorry for that.)" -PonyDragon
Another pony says,
"Hey monkey man, we know where you are hiding... " -Mist_Chaser
Rather creepy. And finally this pony says,
"I only trust the finest intrepid flagship reporting by the finest in equestrian news: ANON 69 — "If Walter Cronkite did two grams of crack and a little bit of Valium this is the result!"" -spikls
So obviously a lot of statements there to make this seem like a ligament story.
"Oh absolutely Anonymous, this bullshit has some broader implications. Here are some tips to avoid bullshit happening to you. Fortunately we have them all on a big piece of paper, and we're just lazy shits that don't feel like reading them out to you."
Thank you Cracker. Let us know if you get any updates on this bullshit.
"I probably won't Anon because after this I'm going to go to a bar and get shit faced drunk."
Well good luck with that. I'll be seeing you.
"Bye, Anonymous"
This should be long enough now to be considered an episode. And if not, you can go fu~ck your self you piece of shit. Now this has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
Apocalypse Day 2 of 7: How To Ignore the Outside World
"Why are you guys ignoring me!? I said let me in! I'm not like the rest of the mares! I swear!"
"She's been going at it. . . for three-damn-hours! When will she give up!?"
"You little twats! Once I'm in there I'll fuck your brains out-I mean, smack your head straight. Look, you can trust me! I never go through a heat cycles-"
My left nut! You tried to do some weird bondage shit last year! Claiming things about "eternal pleasure." I still have that mark on the inside of my right thigh you horny cunt.
"Dear Celestia."
"Look, I said I was sorry, ok? Now let me in. It's lonely out here."
How about no?
"For fucks sakes!"
Welcome back to day two of isolation dear males. The nation is in chaos but we will soon learn how to tune that all out.
And did you know, ten-out-of-ten ponies noses makes a squeaky sound when booped? I found this out when I booped Celestia when I first met her. I tell you what, her guards were not pleased.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Don't go anywhere or else a giant pig falls on your house. Don't want to deal with that, would you?
Today, we are going to practice on how to ignore the outside world.
"Please! Somepony help!"
I bet you can hear that poor stallion right outside our office. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do to help him. But we will not let this opportunity go to waste. We shall practice on ignoring his pleas of help and soon to be the sound of intercourse.
"There's three of them! Oh Celestia!"
First we shall get into a comfortable position. Close your eyes and let all your muscles relax. You are one with your surroundings. Feel the gentle breeze against your fur. The scent of a campfire passes your nose. Now make your mind go blank. Maybe think of the wavy color blue.
"Please! I'm a father! I-I have children! Wait no! Not the whip!
Crack!
Now I want you to slowly drown out all those senses. And soon, you will become numb. Your mind, completely black. Your surroundings, gone. That smell, no more. Everything is out of existence. And if your doing it right, you wont be able to register anything at all.
Hmmm. Seems like we can still hear bits and pieces of his voice. When this happens play soft music, recommend the artist Octavia, to help drown out the sounds. If you don't have a way to play music, humming is also a great alternative. Cracker, mind if you play one of Octavia's songs? Specifically Psycho Killer? I should have a copy somewhere.
"I'm on it."
Sounds of Cellos fill the air.
Ahhh. Re~laxing. Now you should be able to have all senses lost to the sounds of time. Now do this until what ever is distressing you outside goes away.
Muffled sounds of flesh hitting flesh.
"I bet all three of you have tiny cocks. That's why you aren't letting me in, ain't it? Especially you Anonymous!"
Oi, but you do know my stamina makes up for it, don't it? Have you cumming 5 times and I ain't even blown a load yet.
"Are you trying to get me worked up you ape!"
"Is that really how long you can last?"
Put a sock in it Twickers.
"Uh, Anonymous? Stella is attracting unwanted attention to our office. We got 4 tangos coming our way."
"Oh Celestia! This is it! We're doomed!"
I said shut it you fuck nugget! Don't worry, I got a back up plan. And this is good timing too. Were about to run out of food anyways. So boys, lets start packing.
Molestation Off Takes To The Cover Of Anon 69 News
If you have been keeping up with us, you will know about the molestation off between queen Chrysalis and princess Cadance. Hear about how it took to the front cover of Anon 69 news, how I think it will develop, and hear about our correspondents opinions.
And apparently stallions can only last about 30 seconds in bed. The lucky ones last at least a minute. Everypony knew this but me. All I got to say is. . . you poor, poor bastards.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Make sure you take your daily dose of news from your one and only news podcast. . . I'm talking about us, Anon 69 News. Don't go switching podcasts on us.
Earlier this morning around 12:00am, Queen Chrysalis got our publishers to print a new cover for our news podcast. You probably saw it on your news papers today but if you haven't it shows a photograph of the one and only, with a quote, "You were expecting Anonymous but its me! Chrysalis." Then went on to diss Cadance by saying, "I have molested the Anon 69 New's podcast cover, Cadence! Beat that!."
I believe this will now further escalate the 'Molestation War' between the two. I only predict that princess Cadance will get a hold of our publishers and change it.
Personally, I want to see how this develops. Gives me a easy way on what to report. But I spoke with my other colleagues about this, this is what they have to say. Here is Twig-nuggs opinion about it.
"I think its irresponsible and childish of both of them. Not only are they neglecting their duties as leaders, but they are taking it out on citizens, more specifically us! Its a pain to change our cover, and its usually me that has to manage that type of stuff."
I then talked to Stella about it.
"I think its badass!"
And finally Cracker Jack.
"I pretty much have the same opinion as you Anonymous. I see this as a benefit for us to report on something without much looking. So I too, can't wait to see what happens next."
Now we can only hope we too, don't get molested. This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
"Ahhh! Our barricade won't hold them for long! We're all gonna get violated!"
"Anonymous! Please tell us your almost done!"
Yes, now shut up and put on your costumes!
Sounds of two equines and a human struggling to get into a costume.
"Uh, Anon? This Wonderbolts costume is a little tight around the flank."
"Do I really have to wear the chicken-"
"C'mon! A couple more pushes and we'll break it down."
Heavier banging starts.
"On second thought, I'm fine with the chicken costume."
"Yup! I'm all good here!"
Good. Now lets hope my T-Rex costume fits through the hole.
Are you cornered inside your little man cave surrounded by horny mares? Well it seems like you are in the same situation as us. Here is some help on packing up and leaving.
And do you know the three things you can do with potatoes. You can boil 'em, mash 'em, stick them up your ass. Astonishing, I know.
Today's episode is sponsored by the new horror movie, Cupcakes. Staring Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Showing in theaters next week.
Now, you must be scared shitless right now because of all the mares outside that want your hotdog. Now calm down and remember how much you love S.E.X. Showing Everypony my Xylophone. Now that you've calmed down, lets get started on you first task, finding a exit.
This step should be fairly easy and short. Now there can only be one escape route. A secret cave leading out. If you don't have one, well I'm sorry little one, its been nice knowing you. Now you may ask, "Anon? What about the roof?" You can certainly try that but beware of the pegasus. Ranking third of the most affected by the heatwave. Can almost go on par with bat ponies. You may be able to fend off one, but don't forget they like to stay in 'flocks.'
Now that the easy part is over, lets discuss about what you're going to take. The mares at you door, window, or even chimney, are about to break in and you are in a frenzy. So here are some quick things you can grab before you head out.
One; a water bottle. Who knows when the next time your going to see water, so make sure you have this bad boy ready.
Two; trail mix. Again, who knows when the next time your going to be seeing sweet succulent food. So make sure you got your nuts and resins.
Three; your body suit. I hope you listened to us on day one, because that body suit will now come in handy. You need to conceal your own scent or else the mares will know exactly where you are.
Four; a male scented dildo. No! Not for your own sexual pleasure you sick fuck. This will be used as bait when you find yourself absolutely trapped. Make sure you keep it in a concealed bag! If you leave this out, your basically setting off a beacon on your position.
Now the mares are starting to get rid of your minor barricades. You have a few seconds left before they are upon you. You can only choose between two things.
Option one, a rolled up news paper to smack any mares that get too close. Now this may have the chance on making them hornier, so be careful.
Option two, a box. No offense but you ponies can be fooled easily. So use this to your advantage. When out in public, you can put a box on yourself and easily move around. But you are also blind, so be careful of running into any trouble, metaphorically and literally.
I will leave it up to you which one you take. But this his has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. May what ever god you believe in have mercy on you.
Click.
Door slams open.
"Hey, where did they go?"
"You promised us fresh stallions, Stella!"
"Shush your cunt. Look around a little, they may be hiding."
"Oh thank Celestia for this hole."
"Shush, Twigs. Don't alert them of our position."
I think I can see the light. Almost there you guys.
Fans prepare for one of the biggest sex party for the 69th like on Anon 69 News.
And is Luna a gamer? Hear how MoonDaddy420 may be the princess of the moon.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. We've got everything you need to know on the only thing that's happening in the world.
As the most important like number is upon us, fans around Equestria are preparing for it by hosting a giant sex party. Unfortunately only Stella and I will be the only staff that will be attending the party. With more on this story, the one and only, Stella, joins us now. Hey Stella.
"Hey Anonymous."
So can you tell us a little bit more about this party.
"Certainly. The party will be hosted in Baltimare by the element of laughter, Pinky Pie. It is supposed to start at 12pm and lasts till 12am. Activities include all things kinky but there are some limitations. Such as, golden showers, skat play, and diaper play. All that will be hosted in a different section of the party. . . like far, far away from the party."
How many ponies can we be expecting at the party?
"We can be expecting around 800-900 ponies."
Wow, that's a lot of fetishes to be expected.
"Indeed it is. But the one to be the most expected fetish is stockings."
Wait, wait, wait. You ponies get turned on by socks?
"Anon, why do you think I always have you take off your shoes around me?"
Stella, I hate you sometimes.
"Awww, I love you too Anonymous."
So what other fetishes are to be expected?
"Nothing too out of the ordinary. There will be orgies, cosplay, and don't forget about bondage. There will be lots of that there."
Sounds like its going to be really active. And what part of the city is this going to be hosted?
"The whole city was rented out for tonight."
Wow.
"Wow indeed."
Well I certainly can't wait for the party. I'll be seeing you there, Stella.
"You to Anon. Oh! I found this really cute lingerie you might like. Has the straps that bring out the curves perfectly and exposes all the right places-"
Ahem. Stella, we're live.
"Oh right. Hehe. Well, I'll be seeing you Anonymous."
Audios.
Moving onto the videogame world. Your kids play it, your grandmama plays it, I even play it. But does princess Luna play it? Here joins me now is Cracker Jack. Hello Cracker.
"Greetings."
How do we know this MoonDaddy420 is in fact, princess of the stars?
"Well gamers report when they lose as the same team as MoonDaddy420, they hear loud shouting from an older mare so loud that some even report bleeding from the ear. During the rants they also report insults never used since the BNM period. Some of these words reported are, loiter-sack, Bobolyne, and even cumberworld."
Has the princess made a statement on this??
"In fact she did. Here is that recording now;"
"I deny all these accusations. I am a leader with responsibilities. I have no time for these, videogames."
"We got the chance to ask her about the voice recordings of her shouting."
"You blabbering idiots! Take the objective or I'll have your heads on a pike by the end of our night- mean the night!"
"I will neither deny nor confirm this but I will say that it does sound like they were complete idiots. If you cannot take a simple objective I believe you shouldn't be allowed to play. I will say no more."
"That's all we got before she closed the meeting."
Well sounds like the videogame world is about to be a lot more interesting. Thanks for joining us Cracker.
"No problem."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
"I will break your legs if you touch him! He's mine!"
"Anonymous! Down this alleyway!"
What! That's insane! Do you even watch movies!
"Would you rather that or the mass of mares in front of us."
Wha. . . oh dear god! Into the alleyway! Go, go, go!
"After them!"
"I want my mommy!"
No you don't Twiggles! Trust me!
"Anonymous!"
What!
"We are uh. . . kinda stuck."
For fucks sake.
"Well not really. You see that window? Two ponies can make it up but somepony has to stay behind to push the other two up."
Ok, I got an idea-
"They're they are!"
Shit.
So now you have escaped and found your self in a group of stallions. There a little rough around the edges but you know they will help you through this in a breeze. At least that's what you think.
And studies show that 10/10 world ending catastrophes are solved with singing about friendship.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News.
Now you think your safe because you got your self surrounded by 'strong independent stallions.' No mare would possible think of approaching your group.
Wrong! You don't know how freaky mares can get. A group of mares might want a giant orgy or a single mare might want a bukkake from you all. If you don't know what that is, good. Don't learn that shit.
So now you and your guy friends are in a corner and are trapped against the mares or mare. Now you come to the last solution. A sacrifice. Yes. Now one of your own group members now must sacrifice their own dignity because of your fuck up. . . or somepony elses. Anyways, the point is, now you must decide who it must be.
Now you must be thinking, "I'll do it. I'll sacrifice myself and I'll be remembered as a hero." Don't. One, because you will sign yourself to a deal of a existential hell. . . or tartarus in this case. Two, your stallion mates will most likely forget about you in a hour or two. Only sacrifice your self if your really sure about it and there is no other alternatives.
Now don't fret. There is a process to this. Now since time is short, sticks and eeny miny moe wont work. So you have to resort to pushing a random stallion in front of you and saying, "don't molest us please! He's a better lay then all of us!" Now on a average mare or mares, this will most definitely work. Now if the mare or mares are smart, your screwed. They would figure out having multiple stallions would be better than one.
So now that stallion you threw at the beast is getting violated, take this chance to run. Run as fast as you can and don't turn back because if you do, it might scar you.
Now that you've escaped, pat yourself on the back for surviving that mess. Now find a safe place and stay tuned for the next episode.
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. Good luck survivor.
"Please not like this!"
"I have a wife! I'm a faithful stallion!"
"Oooh, a married stallion. I like it."
"I have so much to do-ack! Anonymous? Why are you picking me up?"
I have a plan.
"What do you mean-omf! Careful on the neck!"
Shut it!
"I don't understand- hey what are you- aaahhh!"
"Anon, why are you throwing us? What about-"
I'll hold em off.
"But- whoa wait- aaahhh!"
"Hey! You let the meat go!"
That's fine ladies. I can last you a while.
"Fine with me."
"Jump him!"
Sounds of struggling and cloths ripping.
"He. . . he sacrificed himself for us."
"No time to mourn. We must keep moving."
National Park Under Fire for Wasting 40 Million Bits to Pamper a Charming Bunny
Outrage today as leaked finance records from the National Park Service reveals a gross misusage of funds. How can the agency manage to spend over 40 million bits all on a single bunny?
And did Celestia molest everypony in Equestria-
Knock, knock, knock.
Oh, that's my pizza. One sec.
"Hello? Yes, sorry. I'd rather not open my door since the last time I got jumped by a group of mares. If you wouldn't mind just slide each slice individually through the mail slot, that would really help me out. Thanks.
Sounds of pizza getting squished through a mail slot.
"Uh. . . how are you going to pay for this?"
"Just put it on my tab. I'll pay for it later."
"Uh. . . ok I guess."
Plop.
Mmm. Oh yeah. That's the good stuff. Oh shit forgot. Ahem.
From Anon 69 Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. I'll be right there.
Pizza mushing continues.
Mmm. Yeah. This is some good shit.
Todays episode is sponsored by the new horror movie Cupcakes. Staring Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Coming to theaters near you. Check it out, bring your grandma, bring your kids, it'd be a fun experience. Should be out around the weekend.
The National Park Service, NPS, is under fire this week, after internal audits reveal the agency has spent over 40 million bits to pamper a single charming bunny. Though politicians from both sides of the aisle calling the expenditures wasteful, NPS officials are defending their decision to spoil the bunny who they named Angle. We're joined by Anon 69 Correspondent Twix, covering this story. Hello, Twix.
"Will you ever get my name right Anonymous?"
Nope. So, 40 million bits allocated to one animal. This is pretty unusual, is it not?
"It certainly is. The National Park Service spends very little on individual animals. However, confiscated letters from the NPS reveal top officials have become enamored with Angle, a 4 pound bunny they described as charismatic, with a magnetic personality and creamy white that make you truly seen."
And they're attempting to woo him. How exactly is the money being spent?
"Gifts mostly. Expense reports from NPS audit show rangers have 8 million bits on housing the bunny in luxury wilderness resort, 2 million on high end meals and trips, and over 500,000 bits on custom suits alone."
That does seem excessive. How are officials defending these expenses?
"NPS representatives have been adamant that it is completely within the agency's purview to give special treatment to specific animals deemed exceptional. This is NPS Superintendent Sandwich Mayo explained it."
"You know, maybe if some of you bothered to take the time to get to know Angle before judging him, you'd understand, ok? In fact you know what? I'm petitioning the advisory board to provide an additional 3 million bits to clear cut an aspen grove so Angle has more room to frolic. I love that bunny."
Strong words from the Superintendent. Everypony at the NPS is in agreement on spending millions of bits on this debonair bunny?
"Well I spoke with several park rangers and the results are mixed. Take a listen."
"Look, he's just a regular bunny. Its wrong to waste taxpayer money on one stupid animal, and really most bunnies look the same. They might not have been pampering the same one for all they know."
"One time, we stayed up all night just to watch the sunrise. He's so dreamy. Oh my Celestia! Did he mention me!?"
It appears that Angle may have more admirers than detractors.
"That's right. And his biggest admirer may just be National Park Service Acting Director Sketch Feather, who just yesterday just posted several photos to a local newspaper business from a beach resort in the Minotaur Kingdom with Angle the bunny. In one, the pair can be seen standing on a luxurious boat smoking cigars together, while in another the bunny appears to be at a club surrounded by dancing female minotaurs, all allegedly on NPS's bit."
Wow. Well it sounds like this controversy is far from over. Thank you Twiggy.
"Your welcome."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
"I wish this chicken costume was actually chicken."
You really that hungry?
"I'll eat anything at this point. Dirt, meat, I don't care."
Look, we'll check around the area, ok? See if any of the places have food.
"Awesome. I'm craving a flower sandwich so bad."
Lets look in that big mansion. They have to got something worth eating in there.
So now your on the run, low on supplies. Only got 3 cans of food, one water bottle, and only half a roll of toilet paper. Sounds like you need to do something called scavenge.
And is our water polluted? Well lets see how long I can stay awake.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News.
Now yes, the beautiful word, scavenge. To search for and collect anything usable and useful from discarded waste. What? Pffft! Its not stealing. . . as long as your not cought.
So, where would one start, one may ask. Well most will say by searching the garbage, but we're not that desperate yet. Only search garbage when your truly desperate.
Now, where might you start? Great question. Now first assess your situation. What do you need. You need food and water? Search small convenience stores. Yes, small. If you go to a big one, well might as well put your hand on a mouse trap. Smart mares would usually set up big traps at big grocery stores. Once enough males are in the building, they will lock the place up and go at it like a fox in a chicken pen.
So now that you 'borrowed' food and water, now you look at your next situation. Your cloths are ripped and torn because? Well simply break into a house. . . well its not that simple I guess. There are many factors to choosing the right house.
Number one, make sure its not too rich looking. If the pony is rich enough, they might of installed a magical security system. You might tick off an alarm then boom, you just let every mare in your radius know where you are.
Two, make sure its not a hideout for other mares. How can you tell this? Simple. Go near a window and hear for any lewd sounds. That being of, moaning, whipping, and even sounds of pleas. If you hear any of that, run. Run as far as you can.
Three, make sure there aren't any pets. Dogs, cats, even birds. Why? Well pets in this world are designed to fuck up your day. That being of making loud noises, knocking shit over, you name it. All to annoy you. I'd say the only pure pet would be a pet gator. They're just kinda. . . there. . . unblinkingly. You can check for signs for pets such as, dog houses, bird nests, and shedded hair all over the place. That should about do it, other signs are more obvious.
Now that every sign is clear, go in there and grab what you need! Or it might be too late. And now that you got everything you need, I got some good news for you champ, you just found yourself a little hideout of your own! Well that's untill the next group of mares come around and wreck your shit again.
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. Good luck fellow male.
Click.
"Ahh, that was a good sandwich."
Glad to hear it, now help me gather supplies. We're gonna be heading out soon.
"Alright."
We're going to need cloths,food, water-
"Hey uh. . . Cracker?"
What now.
"I'm no expert but uh. . . I believe there's a horde of mares approaching the house."
What. Let me see- oh no. Twigs, start getting any desks, shelves, anything big and bring them here.
"Uh, why?"
We're gonna set up defenses.
"NGHGHAAAAHHH!~"
Heavy panting.
"We can take a break now."
Wait you serious?
"Yeah. We got some letters to read."
Oh thank the heavens!
"Shut it you. Its only a small break. Here open this one."
Damnit.
"Twix?... does this mean there is a left and right one?" -Mist_Chaser
I doubt it but you just gave me two new nicknames for him.
"Will you ever say his real name?"
Not till the day I die.
"Whatever. Here, another one."
"When you sneak into Luna's room, do you use her socks to masturbate?" -bronyoftherevolution
What kind of animal do you take me for. No, I don't masturbate with her socks.
"Yeah, my stallion on needs one-"
I find her stash of panties and I use those.
"You what!"
Yeah, she has a stash of panties I just use. They're right under-
Smack.
Hey, ow! What was that for!
"We'll talk about it later. Here, take another before I flip."
"Did you ever attempt to gain the ability to use magic, and if so, how badly did it backfire?" -vortex123
Uh, well there was this time I requested for the ability to talk to animals. Well the ones that couldn't already talk. I regretted it an hour later because I figured out all they do is talk shit.
"It was funny because every ten minutes or so, he'd start arguing with a small animal."
Those bastards. Hand me another one will you?
"I got you."
"Do you folk over at Anon 69 accept donations and or gifts?" -Omegaxxx
Oh hell yeah. We take donations such as small amount of bits to even a custom made book cover. But please don't send us a turd in a box.
"Yeah, please don't do that."
We beg you not to do that. We got sent seven boxes of turds.
"Don't remind me."
Please hand me another. I want to forget.
"No need to tell me twice."
"How much water can you fit in a watermelon" -3DTV
I found out the hard way. If you put too much a portal will open up and the dark lord of watermelons will appear and demand for a sacrifice.
"What did you sacrifice?"
My virginity.
". . ."
I'm kidding. I just gave him my watermelon.
"And that worked?"
Yeah. I was surprised.
"O. . . k? Next one I guess."
"Did you ever had sex with Luna?" -Theprophetice
Yup. That's why she hates my guts. Turns out I was her first.
"I'll never forgive you for that."
What? We were drunk ok. What were you expecting?
"Not to lay with my princess."
True, true. Hand me another.
"And thine wish shalt be granted."
"Um, I was wondering umm, what is the weccomended amount of Dedotated wam Ize should have to server?" -CharacterRoulette
That seems. . . oddly familiar.
"What do you mean."
I don't know. All I can recall is it's about a game with a bunch of cubes and stuff.
"Weird. Here's the final one."
"What does Celestia think about your "involvement" with Luna? And does she pick sides in the "battle" between Cadance and Chrysalis?" -PonyDragon
Well Celestia has actually been trying to get me and Luna to hook up. I asked her why and she talked about how Luna has been lonely and has been talking about me a lot. Positive things at that. She went so far to say that Luna even has a body pillow of me. I doubt all of this of course. No way is me and Luna hooking up.
"Yeah! He's mine and mine only."
And as for the battle thing, turns out Celestia is against both of them. Calling them armatures and saying how she will show them the true power of molestation.
"Ok, that's the last of them. You know what that means Anon."
Definitely. Just as long as you don't move the specific wood plank.
"The one between the couch and bookshelf?"
Yeah that one. Just don't move it. Or it will collapse the whole barricade.
"You got it."
Just remember to go no where near it. I'm serious.
"B-but I just said-"
Don't touch it!
"I feel like this is foreshadowing something."
Hmmm. . . nah. It would be more obvious.
Defending your position in a last stand can be hard for newbies. Here is some tips to hold off the mares till your rescued.
And did Princess Luna carve 'cunt' on the moon during imprisonment to get back at Princess Celestia?
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. We will shove the news down your throat till your begging.
So now you got your situation where there's no escape so now you resorted to defending your position. A last stand, if you will. Here are some quick considerations when building your defenses.
When setting up a last stand, you need to find a hold up area. A preferable place to set up in is in a room with only one door and, if possible, no windows. This way, it's easier to control where the sex addicts are coming from. It'd be a bonus if you were facing a long hallway.
Step two, hold them off. Grab yourself some things to throw. Specifically sex objects. No sex toys? Then grab anything that could be used as one. Such as, cucumbers, bottles, hell even a small link of bouncy balls. If you can't find anything,use brooms and fly swatters. Spray bottles if need be.
Now that we got that part over with, its time you start putting up your defenses soldier. Now you want to start by putting up barbed wire-
Whispering.
Wha- oh. Uh huh. Your kidding me? Fuck, I wanted to do that so badly. Now I think about it, it probably would create a hole in the floor. Alright, thanks.
Ahem. Turns out not everpony has barbed wire. Damnit. I was next going to tell you to start to dig seven foot trenches. Man, that would be awesome. Moving on.
You want to start by grabbing furniture that comes up to your knee. That would be your front line of defense. You will hold out the first wave of mares here using your long brooms. This will be the toughest part of your defense but it should last about five, maybe seven minutes before you have to retreat.
Now start grabbing furniture about chest hight. Maybe a couch, a few chairs, even a table if you flip it over. This will be your support line. You will provide long distance support over to the front line. It will also hold as a place to fall back to if the front line has fallen.
You now want to grab head height or taller furniture. Shelves and such. You will put these between the door way. This will be known as the reserve line. It will host violated stallions trying to overcome what mares did to them. It will be your last line of defense if all has failed.
This should about do it. I salute you fellow male and wish you luck. This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
"There breaking through!"
What did I tell you! Don't. Touch. The. Plank!
"I'm sorry! It looked like it wanted to be touched so bad!"
That makes no sense!
"I know!"
Now you got us-ack!
"Shut it! Your going to kill the mood."
Your fault Twigs!
"I'm sorr-oof!"
"You look tasty!"
"And what happened next grampa Anon?!"
Legend has it, that they are still being molested till this day.
"Wooow!"
They even-
"Hey! What are you doing in my house! Get away from my son!"
"Shut up and go back to sleep. My crotch is sore."
Mine too numb nuts. I see you got yourself surrounded by sleeping mares.
"Yes. And it's comfortable. Now go to sleep."
Mmm. . . fine.
The final day of estrus. Hallelujah oh the gods above.
And did you now an anus can stretch up to 12 cm, raccoons can squeeze into spaces 10 cm wide. What does this suggest?
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News.
You now find your self in the final hours of the heat. Mares are settling down and stallions are finally returning home.
Either good job on surviving or I am so, so sorry for what was done to you. Hopefully you will make a speedy recovery.
Celestia has shinned her light on us, yet again and we rejoice. Take this time to sit back and crack a cold one with the boys. You can finally reflect on what a good job you did on evading those horny mares. . . or I'd rather not have you reflect if they did catch you. You might want to forget as soon as possible with hard booze.
Let us not forget about next year. Estrus will be upon us once again and you must be prepared. So don't forget about these tips and be ready for what's to come.
But yet again, I am a procrastinator. So I'll just slack off of getting ready till the very last second. . . eh. I'll worry about it later.
I do hope you found our advice useful and if not you can go fuck yourself you fuck face.
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
"Ah, finally we're ba- Celestia's mother! Anonymous! Why are you tied to that cross!? And why are you wearing so. Much. Latex?
Mmmffmfmfmf!
"Your going to have to unzip his mouth love."
"Ahh! Stella! Y-your normal right? I shouldn't have to run do I?"
"Don't worry. Anon here as suited enough of my desires."
"What about the other mares?"
"And share my stallion? I told them to fuck right the tartarus off. And if they didn't, I kicked their behinds."
Mhmfmfmhmhmm
"Oh, forgot about that."
Unzip.
"Sorry about that."
Gah! You are one kinky son of a bitch, Stella.
"Oh shut it will ya? Wasn't that bad."
"Sounds like you guys had fun. . . so, anypony down to get some drinks at the bar?"
Panic and fear. That is what reports all over Equestria say, as ponies suffer the shortages of cake from one mysterious buyer.
And are birds just magical golems used to spy on you? If so, all of it wasn't my fault. It was Twigs.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. We are the news to die for.
Todays sponsor is Sweet Apple Acres. The sweetest apples in Equestria. Thank god they can sponsor us or I'll be doing weird shit in alleyways for only five bits.
Panic and fear all over Equestria today as all the cakes have gone out of stock. Bakeries are closing and birthday foals are weeping. Who is behind all of this? Well, detectives believe that the princess of the sun may of bought all of it.
For more on this, Cracker Jack joins us now. Hello Cracker.
"Hello Anonymous."
So detectives say that Princess Celestia actually bought them all?
"Yes. When they asked kitchen staff about the mysterious disappearance of these cakes and they say that they have been getting large shipments of cakes of all flavors. Vanilla, chocolate and even carrot flavored cake."
Wow. Has Princess Celestia made a statement about any of this?
"Indeed she has. When asked about the cakes, she admitted that she bought all of it and then went on to explain why. Here she is on it."
"My dear little ponies, I know you all are frightened by the sudden loss of all the cake, but this is an act of national security. Somepony in the castle has taken a slice of my banana cake. Until this culprit is caught, I shall be seizing all cakes till further notice. Thank you."
Do we have any leads on any suspects so far?
"Not at the moment no but we do have rumours that Princess Luna may of taken. Detectives are looking into it."
So how are birthdays being taken care of?
"The element of laughter, Pinkie Pie, has started a movement called the The National Coalition for the Birthday-less. Or TNCB for short. A movement to give foals a sweet pastry to substitute for the missing cake."
"It's just the worst feeling when you can't have a birthday cake when it's your birthday, you know? It was like the time when I was at the rock farm and each and every birthday we just ate porridge and it sucked. I don't want little foals to feel that. ItjustmakesmesadwhenIseealittlefoalIcan'texpiranceabirthdaypartyanditjustmakesmesosad!"
Incoherent gibberish.
"That was the last we can get out of her before she went onto an ineligible gibberish and then soon started to break down, crying."
Poor mare. Well, it seems like we will have to wait to see how this unravels. Thank you Cracker Jack for joining us
"Your welcome. Hey Anonymous?"
Yeah?
"You and Stella are still going to my wife's dinner party right? Twigs is going to be there with his marefriend."
Yeah, definitely. Wait, Twigs is straight and had a marefriend? I thought he was, you know-
"Gay? Yeah, we thought so too."
Man, what a revelation. But yeah, we'll be there.
"Awesome."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
It was a nice bright day in Equestria. Celestia's sun was up, and the little ponies where out and about doing their little pony business, and everything was just right. But we're not here to focus on that. No, no, no. Today, we are going to be focussing on a small building residing on the lower parts of Canterlot.
Our story takes us to a human that goes by the name of Mr. Anonymous. Today was like any other day.
Step one was to move the bundle of bat cuteness off of his chest. This was a tricky operation for if he made a wrong move, the little bat would bite him. Now under normal circumstances, this would slightly arouse him. But waking up with a hangover, a bite is something he would rather avoid.
After carefully moving the little pony to his side, he grudgingly gets out of bed and starts heading twords the bathroom. His bathroom routine is to be expected. Shower, shit, and brush teeth. A common thing amongst most humans.
After stepping out of the bathroom, he spotted Stella putting on her armour.
Putting on a quizzical face, he asked.
"Day patrol again?"
After putting on her helmet, she looked to him and sighed.
"Yeah. They need more ponies on the boarder twords the badlands. Keeping a look out for any changeling swarms. I should be back around late tonight. Maybe around one or two in the morning." She explained.
"That sucks. Well, you be safe, alright? Don't want you coming back as a bug."
Rolling her eyes, Stella flew up and gave Anonymous a quick peck on the lips.
"Don't worry about me, monkey boy. I'll be fine."
Anon smiled at her.
"What happened to being, 'just friends with benefits?' We're acting like a couple."
Stella lightly punched him and giggled.
"Shut it will you? I'll be back."
Anon waved at her.
"Audios."
After leaving, Anonymous started on getting his podcast started.
Walking in a separate room, it was filled with equipment of all kinds. This was the place where all the magic happened to make his show run.
Sitting down in front of a microphone, he grabbed a stack of papers. These where the script for the episode today.
With a flick of his finger the show was on air. He started it his first story.
"Narrator fired from his job. Does this finally mean peace to Equestrians?" He said- wait what! I'm fired!
"And can pigs fly? Hear on how this researcher is throwing pigs off a cliff to make them grow wings through evolution."
W-wait. Can we go back to the part where I was fired? Mean, why was I fired? It's not like-
"From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Try to find a better news source. I dare you."
Hey! Don't interrupt me. Now, tell us, why was I fired.
"Shocking news today as the famous Narrator is fired from his job. Do Equestrians finally live in peace? With more on it, Anon 69 correspondent, Twig-fucks-a-lot joins us now. Hello Twignugs."
"Nice to know you still haven't got my name right. Anyways, yes the Narrator has been fired from his job on accounts of stalking and narrating side characters instead of the element bearers."
What! Stalking side characters? Pffft! No, I would never.
"I have spoken to some of the many victims. Here is what some of them had to say."
Wait! You might not want to-
"I would hear this. . . voice, explain every Celestia damned thing I do. Whether it be walking into another room or even the small act of making a face. I-it would even narrate my most. . . personal actions. Its so weird."
Hey, I didn't-
"I was sitting on a toilet doing my business, you know? And I just hear this voice talking about it. . . in extreme detail. To say the least, it was disturbing."
"Will there be any replacements, Twinkle?"
Ha! There won't be anypony able to replace me.
"Reports suggest that Morgan Freepony will be recruited for the job."
Wait, the Morgan Freepony? T-they can't do this! I have been here for over 28 years!
"Well, I'm glad that ponies are finally able to get some peace. Well thank you for joining us today."
Hold on a second-
"Your welcome, Anonymous."
Don't end it yet-
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
I just want to say- hey wait! Don't press that yet! No-
Breaking news. A small army of snakes invade Canterlot. Will we soon have to learn snake lango?
And can dogs and cats actually rain from the sky? Hear about how the element of loyalty, Rainbow Dash, is developing a new type of cloud to rain cats and dogs.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. If there's an apocalypse happening, we promise you will hear it from us.
Don't forget to go to go to your local news paper business and turn on notifications to know our when our next episode airs. And if you pay premium, we can go to your house and read you the news while you go to sleep.
Breaking news in Equestria today as a small nation of snakes attack Canterlot. Should we be worried? Here joins us now is Anon 69 correspondent, Cracker Jack. Hello Cracker.
"Hello, Anonymous."
Do we know why the snakes where provoked to attack us?
"Statements from the now known Snake Republic state that they are tired of being treated as, 'harmless pets.' We managed to get some audio on the speech."
Aggressive hissing.
Uh, can we get a translation on that?
"Yep."
"It'sss outrageousss what the poniesss have done to usss! They mock usss! But we shall of our revenge! We will ssstrike them at the heart!"
Wow, sounds like they're pissed.
"You can say that again."
Did either of the princesses respond?
"In fact they did. Princess Luna issued a statement saying, "if you try to attack us, we will crush your reptilian bones." The Snake Republic responded in aggressive hissing and launched todays attack in Canterlot."
And how are authorities defending the city?
"With a simple non-aggressive tactics, Anon. The tactics include sleeping spells, trapping them under a box, or even picking them up. But if things get too out of hoof, they will spray them with water using a spray bottle and say, 'bad snake. Bad. No. Stop invading Equestria."
How are the snakes fighting back?
"Obviously by biting. But don't worry if your bit because the venom in the snake will only give you hallucinations of a blond stallion calling you a donkey, kinda like a drug. So don't worry if you get bit, but also try and stay away from getting bit."
Well, we can only hope we're victorious. Thank you Cracker for coming on.
"Your welcome Anonymous."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
Cruise Ship 'Gigantic' Presumed To Be Sunk For Over 25 Years, Shows Up On The Docks Of Manehattan With A Remarkable Message
A cruise ship that has been supposedly sunk for over 25 years shows up on Manehattan's doorstep with a surprising statement.
And did you know, if you ate 400 bananas a day, radiation will soon kill you. Now you get to hear how Princess Celestia is in the hospital.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. If you don't like us, you can meet me in the alleyway so we can fight it out.
Astonishing news today, as the ship known as, 'Gigantic,' presumed to be sunk for over 25 years, shows up at Manehattan's docks today with a surprising statement. Covering the Story is Anon 69 Correspondent Jeff.
"Not even using a variation of my name this time?"
What were you saying Daniel?
Sigh.
"Earlier today, a ship supposedly to be sunk for more than 25 years, has turned up on the docks of Manehatten. Gathering a large group of ponies, they announced that they have never sunk. And in fact, have been living on a island as shavists. Take a listen."
"Ponies of Equestria! You thought we sunk! That we perished beneath the waves! But you are wrong! We live damn it! We live! We have been living on an island this whole time as shavists!"
Firsts things first, the hell is a shavists?
"It's when a pony shaves all their fur. Kinda like a nudist you told us about from your world."
What? I never told you about that.
"You were drunk Anon."
Oh. Well, if they were living on that island this whole time, why return now?
"He actually came back to gain more followers."
How many followers did he gain, exactly?
"Surprisingly amount of 200-300 ponies. He hosted a mass shaving convention for all the ponies that signed up."
Wow.
"We interviewed a few of them
"I thought it would be, like, a new experience for me, you know? Travel to an island and be, like, all shaved and stuff. Who can say they ever did that in their life?"
"To be honest with you dude, I don't even know what I sighed up for. I was, and still am, baked off of that good kush dude. But, like, I want to see where this will take me dude. All about the new experience baby."
They seem motivated. Do we know if they will ever return again?
"Yes we do, Anonymous. Before promptly leaving, they said they will be back for, "more toilet paper."
How much toilet paper did they even have before?
"Apparently enough to last over 25 years."
Amazing. Well thank you Harambe, for covering this story.
"Yeah, sure. Whatever."
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
Host Anonymous Confronts The Cursed Screeching Within His Walls
The bats are in the walls. The bats are in the walls. T-the bats are in the walls. They are trying to get in here! They are trying to get in, and put me in the walls.
Deranged laughing.
Somepony help me! Let me out! The bats are putting me in the walls! Stop it! Stop it! STOP! IT! PLEASE!
Anonymous 69 News is presented by the Wonderbolts. Coming to Ponyville this weekend. Get your tickets while you still can.
The beasts have come, the beasts have come for their tithing and tributes. Ugh, curse you winged beasts! Cease you reign of terror or. . .
Sounds of screeching.
Oh! Could it be! Not a sound of this realm at all, but the relentless of misbegotten spirits? Oh, restless indeed. Revenge!
You think these hands haven't collected blood?! Begone tormentors! You deserve what fate you met at my hands! Hahaha!
Sound of a screech.
Oh? What's this? The sound of one alone? Have you joined as one? For only one persists. A bat king. A bat king of spirits!
Again, the monster stirs. That demon! That fiend! His plundering of claws! The shadow of death that haunts me in the darkness.
Though, I suppose I could turn on the light and open the drapes for that.
Sound of drapes being opened.
And now for my mallet. Ah, yes. Me mallet. My trusty bedside mallet!
Chuckle.
Every nail, claw, scale, and spur, ever spike and wilt on the hand of that heathen brute was like barbed steel.
Everypony said there was no horned iron hand hard enough to peirce him through. No proofed blade that could cut his brutal cut-caked claw.
Will you shut up, Anon! I'm trying to hear where that incessant noise is coming from.
Oh, well excuse~ me, Anon, for trying to class this joint up a bit. I see you barely bothered to get dressed today. Again!
Your one to talk.
Your right! How about we both stop talking so we can hear?
How about shut up!
No, you!
No, you!
Boys, boys, we are all going to die in here if you both don't shut the ever-loving fuck up.
Sorry, Anon.
Sorry, Anonymous.
Better. Now, kiss and makeup.
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
Sounds of one kissing their own hand.
Mm, mm.
Enough of that for now, we have our whole lives for that! It's time to slay the beast before the beast slays us. Anon, me mallet. Give it to me.
Here you are.
Uh!
Sounds of dry wall breaking.
Ha ha ha ha!
Uh!
Sounds of more dry wall breaking.
Uh!
Crash!
The vase!
Shut it Anon!
Sounds of destruction continue.
"Hey! Shut the fuck up! What are you doing up there?!"
Shh! The floor. It speaks. Silence, floor! Uh!
Crack!
Laughing.
And the walls, the wretched screeching of the walls! Oh, God, we're all going to die in here Anonymous! Do something!
Sobbing.
Will you shut up and pull it together, Anon, your Anonymous goddamn Sam goddamn Sax. Am I going to lie back and die here alone and naked, drinking can after can of mayo chowder just because some bats says so? Or am I going to die with my shirt on and soup-less with dignity? It's not my time yet.
I never slapped Celestia's ass yet. I've never had public sex before. Anonymous Sam Sax doesn't go down without a fight.
Dry wall breaking.
It's time for my escape. I will not be a prisoner!
Crash.
Me get-y out-y.
Bang.
You could not cage this tiger!
Crack!
Me! Get-y! Out-y!
Door opens.
"Hey, Anonymous! I forgot to tell you before I left. Don't take the pills on the desk. It's only meant for bat ponies. It can have severe side affects on other- oh dear Celestia! Damn it! Did you take those pills!"
You mean the candy?
"No- it's not- ugh! Just sit your naked ass down."
B-but the screeching-
"There is no screeching. Fuck sakes! You damaged the walls and the floor!"
The floor was talking-
"Zip it! I'm going to call the hospital and have them pick you up."
An anonymous hero donates 420 pony Kidneys to Saddle Patch Hospital today.
And do we know what we are doing in our bathrooms? Researchers say that ten out of ten ponies don't know what they are doing on their toilet.
"Hey! Get out of my bathroom you freak!"
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. If you want, we can rub you shoulders sensually while we read you the news.
Wealthy ponies like Fancy Pants or even Prince Blueblood are known for their charitable contributions but not all great givers crave the spotlight.
Last night in Saddle Patch Hospital in Fillydelphia, a unknown individual gave a unprecedented donation of 420 kidneys. Anon 69/Night Guard, Stella joins us now for more on this. Hello, Stella.
"Sup, Anonymous."
So, do we know any details on this anonymous delivery?
"Yes we do. The secret benefactor delivered his gift a few minutes before 4:00 am this morning. Reports say that the mysterious pony threw the bag of kidneys through a second story window, hitting a patient. But they didn't care, as they actually needed a kidney transplant them selves. So it was a win, win."
Did you interview any of staff members working there?
"Mhmm. This is what one of them had to say."
"It's an amazing gift. The kidneys are so fresh they clearly must have been removed in the last 24 hours."
"The philanthropist sought no fanfare and left without requesting so much as a thank you."
"Who ever did this is obviously very skilled with a knife and it looks like they've done this before maybe hundreds, even thousands of times. We are just incredibly grateful."
Incredible. Sounds like the staff were busy with all that meat.
"Oh big time. The hospital's medical staff have been working overtime to sort through the massive donation."
"They left a note in the bag that indicated they might be making more additional donations in the future. The note read out, "this is only the beginning!"
"We're just really touched and we hope this really inspires others to be as generous. We are especially in need of hearts, lungs and brains."
It sure nice to report on something positive for once. Thank you, Stella.
"No prob."
All right, two ponies and a griffin dead after a sword eating contest goes wrong. But we will report on that later.
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
Anon here with a message. Send us all your questions you have. We will answer everything we can.
Ponies across Equestria celebrate Salt Day today. Although I can't celebrate doesn't mean I can't give some advice on how to celebrate it to the fullest.
And can I fly? There is only one way to find out.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. If we can't have it, neither can you. So we sent out a group of armed ponies to your house to destroy all your belongings.
Now the day is among us where salt across Equestria is legal. Now, if your finally legal enough to have salt and don't know what to do on this day, you are in luck. For I, Anonymous, will tell you about some sick ass tricks to make you look like a badass. . . even though you aren't and just a shut in who masturbates to pictures of their friend when their gone.
But that's beside the point. You came here for advice on your first day of Salt Day. And I shall deliver.
Number one, get the most strong salt edibles you can. That would be salted pretzels, tortilla chips, and even salted hay fries. What? No! You will not be eating them alone! That'd be crazy. You would knock your self out before you even get an hour into Salt Day. That is what's going to bring us into advice number dos.
Bring invite your friends to your house. Don't have friends? Then skip to number three. This part isn't really needed per say. Anyways, bring all your best mates because when you guys get fucked up on some good ass salted nuts, you will have the best conversation you ever had.
Three, you are going to travel to a Salt Day friendly town. Yes, there are some places that are not so keen on the idea of salt being used in their city. So make sure if your area is good to go or not.
This next part is fun. Makes some art! Yes. You heard me. Make some art while your high of your balls. So, when you become sober, you can see all the weird shit you made. I personally made some rather lewd things of a particular bat pony. I was pretty surprised when they actually bought it off of me for only five bits.
Now, assuming your already high, this next part shall complete your journey to the dark side- I mean, should complete your day of Salt Day. Go to a Salt Day Event. Music, salty munchies, and a bunch of besties hanging out in the same place? What's not to love! At these events, you will often find great prices on different products that you have never tried before or even get to sample some other products. Please however if you are getting to a Salt Day event, consume within your limit and don’t mix different substances. . . nah I'm fucking with you. Get fucked up my dude!
Now go out there, get high, get laid, and have some fun.
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
"Guess who got letters~ guess who got letters~ wonder who it's from!"
I swear to god, if it's more Playstallion subscription I will literally burn this place down.
"Wha- no! It's letters from our fans."
We have fans?
"Oh shut it. Here, open this one first."
Have you ever jizzed on the cakes in Celestia's royal stash and made subtle double-entendres while she's eating them? -bronyoftherevolution
"Ew, what the fuck?"
No, never. But. . . hmmm.
"Don't tell me your actually thinking about it?"
Hey, I'm always up for ideas.
"I will punch you."
Ok, ok, chill. Hand me another.
Anon, how did you end up in Equestria? -Hotel_Chicken
"Yeah. How did you end up here? You never told me."
Um, well, it wasn't that exciting. I remember walking into the bathroom and then, poof! I'm here! In the castle and in the need to shit badly.
"Damn it! I lost the bet."
What?
"Yeah, there was a bet going on about how you came here. Mine was that you came here via spaceship."
Damn. . . that would of been way cooler. Anyways, to the next one my friend.
Anon: The Mane 6, snog, marry, kill, inconvenience? Go! -The Baron
Rainbow Dash, Seven Nation Army, maybe, and inconvenience? I think not!
"What?"
Nothing. Hit me the next one.
Did you ever have a gun with you in Equestria? If so did you use it? -Theprophetice
"Oh! Is he talking about this L shaped-"
Bang!
I told you not to touch that!
"Sorry, sorry!
Guess that answers the first part of that. But the only time I probably use it is when I go hunting. But I'm running low on ammunition, so I might have to check out that duplication pond that we got reports of.
"Wait, you go hunting? Can I come with next time?"
Maybe. Now, pass me another.
Anon, what’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled? -vortex123
Probably the time when I put Poison Joke in Luna's breakfast. Hehe. Should of seen it. She grew four times her size.
"I couldn't hold back my laughter when she spoke. Her voice sounded so high pitched!"
Ha! You should of seen her during the diplomatic meetings. Never seen minotaur laugh so much.
"Ha! Surprised Luna didn't do anything to you."
Oh she did. My dreams were horrible.
"You poor bastard."
Yeah, never did that again, that's for sure.
"Here's another."
Anon? How are you uploading these podcasts when there is no internet in Equestria. -Sigmacipher
We are actually doing this via radio. Still surprising though. Didn't expect them to have radios with them this developed.
"I still can't believe you can access all that porn with such a small device. I hope to see it one day."
Oh man, if you do, we are going to have the best porn marathon ever. Now, pass me another.
Would you help Starlight Glimmer if she tried to recreate Soviet Union to Equestria? Cyka Blyat. -Sanya
And help a off brand motha Russia? Nah. What I would do is help her take over, then back stab her. Because most likely, she will rename Equestria to something stupid. I would name Equestria to Soviet Russia, change my name to Stallin, and have Stella be my second in command. Then I shall show them the true power of motha Russia!
"Should I be concerned, Anon?"
Nope. . . probably. Hey, hand me another.
So how did Stella meet Anon -Unsketched
Funny story actually. I was lost in the castle, trying to find my room. I thought I found my room, so I opened the door and found myself in the storage room. Guess who I found in there? It was-
"Me, relieving myself. The perv stood there for a solid five minutes. I knew he was there. I even tried putting on a little show for him. It was only then when I finished, did I say-"
"Hey, you going to stand there or are you going to rut me like the little slut I am." I don't think I dropped my pants as fast as I did there before. Good times.
"Was I really your first, here in Equestria?"
Hell yeah. Without a human female in sight, I was blue balled to high heaven. It was a great relief doing that with you.
"That always brings me great pride. Anyways, here's the next letter."
Is this the Krusty Krab? -CharacterRoulette
No, this is Patrick.
"I thought your name was-"
Just a reference, Stella. The next one please.
Anon, are there any news of the battle between Chrysalis and Cadance yet? And did Celestia launch her surprise attack on those two already, or is she still preparing? Also, how did the negotiations with the blizzard go? -PonyDragon
Um, don't let Chrysalis or Cadance know this, but Celestia molested them to hell. Both of them actually bribed me into not reporting about it. And the negotiations between Celestia and the blizzard are still going on. The blizzard being stubborn.
"So that's how we got all those bits. Thought you were doing illegal activities."
I won't turn to that, Stella. At least not yet. Another ma'am.
"The last one is a bucket with a letter inside. Weird. Here you go."
There are many like it and this one is mine. Rate it. -Omegaxxx
Uh, I would say a solid eight out of ten. But the best I can do is 4 bits. Final offer.
Equestrian Human admitted to the hospital today for trying to fly from a four story building.
And are banana peels watching us? Waiting. Planning. Waiting for the opportunity to strike us?
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Cracker Jack and this is Anon 69 News. If you could, doesn't mean you should.
Around 2:45 pm yesterday, a well known human, Anonymous, jumped from a four story building, and broke his legs. The reason given, "I wanted to fly." For more on this, Twigs joins us now. Hello, Twigs.
"Hi, Cracker."
So, can you tell us where exactly this took place?
"Reports from, Stella, apartment residents, and I, say that the human was hanging from his apartment window, wich was four stories up on the ten story, saying, "I believe I can fly." Shortly afterwards, he fell down, breaking his legs. Judging from his screams and cries, we can only guess he was in immense pain. Medical ponies soon arrived and carried him to the hospital."
Wow, got to feel bad for the poor bugger. Did he ever say why he jumped off?
"Yes he did. After removing Stella off his chest, we got to ask why he did it. This is what he said."
"I. . . was drunk at the time, I admit. And I guess that plus the want and need for the ability to fly. . . led me here. Hey, can I ask you a question?"
"Absolutely."
"Was I close to flying at all?"
". . . no, Anon."
"Damn."
Do we know when he will be released?
"He is to be discharged in about two weeks. After that, he will be recommended to a therapist."
Well, everything sounds like it will be ok and dandy. Thank you, Twigs for joining us.
"Your welcome."
And now, are banana peels waiting to strike us? Joining us now is, Sunday Split. Hello Mr. Split.
"Hello."
So your saying that banana peels are plotting against us, is that correct?
"Yez. They are the evil of thiz world!"
And how do you know this?
"Zimple. I waz minding my own buzinezz one day while walking to my kitchen, I zlipped on a banana peel."
Sounds like something everpony does these days. How is this any different?
"Becauze I zlipped on eight different banan peelz. Coinzidenze? I think not!"
How do you even plan to combat them?
"Well at firzt I tried to convinze prinzezz Celeztia to ban all bananaz. Unfortunately, that didn't pazz. Zo I went with plan B, exterminate banana peelz in large quantitiez in Banana Campz!"
How do you plan to even fund this?
"Well we take generouz donations from poniez all over Equeztria to help fund the Final Zplit Decision. An act to eliminate all peelz from all over Equeztria."
Wow. Sounds like it's going to be an ambitious journey. Well thank you for coming on. I wish you luck.
"No problem. I hope thiz will help gather more poniez to my cauze."
This has been Cracker Jack From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Anon 69 Staff reported to leave on vacation for seven days. What does this mean for listeners?
And researchers have found a sentient little sponge in a pineapple. Does this mean that we have been mindlessly killing sponges to suit our cleaning needs?
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. If Doom Slayer can do it, so can you. . . nah, I doubt you can take on hell's army.
Reports from an insider of Anon 69 News suggest that the whole staff will be on leave to the Crystal Empire. Joining us now with more on this is, Stella. Hello, Stella.
Sigh.
"Anon, the train leaves in an hour, and you still haven't packed anything."
Oh c'mon. Talk a little, then I'll turn it off.
"Promise."
Cross my heart.
"Ahem. . . these 'reports' say that Anon 69 Staff have all pitched in to stay at a five star hotel for seven days. When asked why, they said that they have been couped up doing work for a while and they just wanted a break. Ok, now go pack up. I'll be in the bathroom doing my mane."
. . .
One more story before we go. A clown that lives in the sewers. Hear how he survives every twenty-seven years. Hello Mr. Penny-
"You're set to go, Anonymous. The room is ready for you."
Thank you.
"And are you sure you don't want the anesthesia while we operate on your foot?"
Nope. I want my listeners to know there should be nothing to be scared about operations.
"If you say so. The doc will be in a few short moments."
Alrighty then.
Door shuts.
"Anon, are you sure about this. This is fucking crazy."
Never fear little one. This is what it's all about. To teach the frightened that it will be all ok.
"I know you want to do that, but is this really the best way to do it? I'm pretty sure that there's better ways to do this."
Pfft. You make me laugh. I teach ponies that there's nothing to be scared about the doctor and I get to have my broken toe fixed. Win win. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing at all.
Jesus beeping Christ! It beeping hurts! Beep!Beep!Beep!
"Hold him still! I can't take out the fractures with him moving!"
Why did you let me do this, Stella?! It beeping hurts! Oh lord have mercy!
"You kept insisting you wanted to do this for the "frightened". It was your decision. Your fault."
Beep them! You know I suck beep at making decisions! Oh God why!
"And that's three out of twenty-four."
Beep that coffee table! I'm burning it when I get back!
Health Experts Warn That Water Kills 100% Of Ponies That Drink It
Health experts around Equestria put out a statement warning that water kills 100% of ponies who drink it.
And Luna continues to deny that she has a secret body pillow of me, although I clearly found it in the back of her closet. . . if I disappear, it was not on my own accord.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Remember to request for notifications in your newspaper to be alerted of future episode schedules, or you can sign up for the teleportation program. Teleports you live at Anon 69 Public Radio when we click that record button.
Health experts put out a concerning warning today stating that you will certainly die if you drink water. With more on this, Twiglies.
"It's Twigs."
Not one single bone in my body gives a flying fuck.
*Sigh*
"This evening, health experts put out statement that 100% of ponies that drink water die. They go on to explain that they had ponies at the age of five drink a glass of water. Monitoring they're life, they concluded that it takes around 80 to 90 years for water to take full effect, causing death."
Wow. Sounds scary. Do they have a solution for this.
"No but they are beginning to conspire that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna may have something to do with it hince they haven't dropped dead and continued to live for thousands of years."
Wait, are they saying if I hadn't had one cup of water in my life, I too, could be immortal?
"Sadly no. They say that we need the nutrients inside of it but one component is inside of it that dooms us to mortality. They just don't know it yet. Again, they believe the Princesses know something about it."
Seems like we will have a revelation against the Princesses over water on our plates soon. Fun. Anyways, thank you Twilight for the report. Have a good day.
"That is far from my name."
Moving on, Luna continues to deny-
*Slam!*
"Anooooon! Massage! Now!"
Um. . . I'm in the middle of-
"Don't. Care. Me, you, your fingers, my room, now. I also bought some expensive whisky. I want to get shit faced drunk and make some horribly good decisions with you."
*Sigh*
Coming.
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. See you till next time.
‘Huh, That’s Kind Of Weird,’ Thinks Fruit Fly Diving In To Dish Of Honey Containing Corpses Of 15 Other Fruit Flies
Fruit fly takes a nice dip in a dish of honey containing 15 of his fruit fly brother's corpses.
And Anonymous is missing. Was this an accident or are there darker forces at work?
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Cracker Jack and this is Anon 69 News. I think this may be my favorite job.
Observing yet disregarding the bodies of 15 of his fellow flies suspended in the tempting but viscous substance, a fruit fly reportedly found itself thinking “Huh, that’s kind of weird,” Tuesday as it plunged into a dish of honey containing the suffocated corpses.
“Granted, it’s a little disturbing, but it’s probably not anything to worry about,” said the Drosophila melanogaster, putting the somewhat unusual sight of its deceased brethren out of its mind as it drew nearer to the mesmerizing expanse of delicious, glistening honey.
“That’s certainly not something you see every day, but so what? I’m already a week old. I can’t pretend I know everything, but life’s too short to be scared of every new experience. Sure, that’s a lot of bodies, but there’s also a lot of wonderful honey. Hey, look, my mom and dad are down there!”
At press time, the sinking fruit fly’s mouth had filled up with honey as it vainly attempted to cry out a warning to approaching fruit flies.
The Fruit Fly Health and Association, FFHA, put out a statement regarding the risk of honey saying,
"Even though the honey may look delicious and sweat, but take a look around you and think. If you see honey with a fly in it, ask it the four questions. Are you having fun? I'l it good? Is it sweet? And are you alive? If it does not respond to any of these, it's likely that he's dead."
The funeral will be held on Saturday from 4:00 pm to 9:00 pm.
This has been Cracker Jack From Anon 69 News. See you till next time.
Click.
Griffin Guards Travel Three Hours Away From Capital Before Realizing Abducted Protester Still In The Back Of Their Wagon
Griffin guards in a scuffle today as they realize they forgot about a protester in the back of their wagon after traveling three hours away from the Griffstone capital.
And I learned, personally, that Luna indeed does not have a body pillow of me.
Whispering.
*Sigh*
And that I am a stupid, moronic ape that shouldn't be snooping around in other ponies closets.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. I highly regret saying what I said the other day.
Cursing their inattention and debating whether they should turn around, several griffin guards reportedly had traveled three hours away from Griffinstone capital Friday before realizing an abducted protester was still in the wagon. Covering this now, Stella joins us. Hello, Stella.
"Hello. Hey, did I tell you that I really enjoyed the deal we made with Luna last ni-"
Stella! Not on the job.
"Fiiiine."
Now, ahem, tell us about the uh griffins.
“ Oh yes! When realizing that they forgot a protester, this was their reactions. "Celestia damnit, how did we miss him?” said griffin guards Hawk Lajor to his partner after hearing muffled cries from a handcuffed griffin and registering that he must have been unconscious in the back of their hay wagon for nearly 200 miles since the griffins had pulled out of the capital."
“Shit, we hightailed it out of there so quickly we didn’t even check the back wagon. Hey, Hawk, did you pick up this guy? I don’t remember grabbing him and shoving him back there. Fuck, our ass is grass if we show up at base with an abducted protester. Somebird look around this village's newspapers to see if anybird's reporting about him going missing. There’s only one, right? Check under the hay bails.” At press time, the federal agents had decided to pull over at the next ditch and stab him."
Was the body ever found?
"We are not allowed to look for it unless we want to "disappear." That is if we don't "disappear" after reporting this."
Well, I'll be fearing for my life tonight. Thank you, Stella.
"No problem."
And can we not talk about the, incident, last night? I'm sore on the you know what.
"Only if you buy me a fruit basket."
Deal.
"Yes!"
This has been Anonymous From Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Click.
Patient Rushed Into Unnecessary Surgery To Save Bits
A patient was urgently rushed to the hospital for unnecessary surgery this evening.
And can I come to terms with my inner demons? Most likely not.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. Did I slap Celestia on the ass? Maybe, but you can't prove it.
This evening a stallion was forced out of his house to go under unnecessary surgery. Joining us is Cracker Jack. Hello, Cracker.
"Greetings, Anonymous."
So why exactly did they rush this stallion into the emergency room?
"Well according to sources, the hospital is close from going bankrupt. So in order to save bits, they have forcefully barged into homes of unsuspecting ponies and taken them into the emergency room to do operations."
Poor dudes. Can't imagine what transpired.
"Nope, but you can hear it."
"Everypony! In, in, in! We got an emergency!" "Huh, wha- hey! Put me down!"
"Sorry sir, can't do that.
"Why!?"
"We need to get you to the hospital fast, your going under surgery."
"I don't need surgery! Get me out of here!"
"He's becoming delirious. Quick, put him under anesthesia."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Wait! No! Don't put that on me- omf!"
Audible snoring.
"Ok, load him up."
Jesus. Well, thank you, Jack for reporting on this.
"Your welcome."
This has been, Anonymous from Anon 69 news. I'll be see you later.
Click.
‘Run! Dear Celestia, Run!’ Screams Mare Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat
A horrible mistake may of costed this young bakers life.
And apparently salt is an illegal drug here in Equestria, I'll be seeing you fuckers in rehab.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I am Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. If you listen closely, you can almost hear the pained cries of trees as you chop them down.
Quickly grabbing for a kitchen knife as the warm, doughy tendril wrapped around her neck, local mare Baked Brownie urged her roommates to “run, dear Celestia, run” Friday after the sourdough starter she forgot about burst from its mason jar. “For Celestia's sake, I’ll hold it back, but get out of here while you still can,” said Ms. Brownie, as the rapidly expanding, 400-pound sourdough starter she began as a fun project three months ago emitted a terrifying high-pitched screech, picked her up, and repeatedly bashed her body against the floor and ceiling. “Seriously, it’s not working! The yeast is reacting in such a way that every time I hack off a tentacle, three more grow back in its place. Run! Before it finds more flour and takes over the whole apartment building.” At press time, Ms. Brownie could be heard screaming “Mother! No, why!” right before the sourdough starter swallowed her whole and spit out a totally clean skeleton.
And that's all we have for today. This has been Anonymous from Anon 69 news and I'll find you, and I will build a Lego house around you.
Click.
Flowers Left Over From Foal's Funeral Under Tremendous Pressure To Thrive
Flowers left over from a funeral under serious pressure today.
And is Starlight Glimmer secretly spreading communist propaganda after being reformed?
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I am Anonymous, and this is Anon 69 News. I wish I can turn invisible so I don't have to deal with my social anxiety.
Speculating that even the slightest trace of withering or discoloration would devastate the family, a pot of lilies left over from 12-year-old Chex Bait's funeral confirmed Monday, that it was under tremendous pressure to thrive. For more on this, Tank joins us. Hello, Tank.
"Not my name but, hi Anonymous."
Again, not a single fiber of my body can't find any fucks to give. Now, any statements?
Sigh
“The plant came out and stated, 'Obviously, I don’t want to make this moment all about me, but I’m feeling an immense amount of pressure to not let a single petal wilt right now. And I don’t know if I’m up to the challenge,' said the flowering plant, stressing that it was sure to face an incredible amount of scrutiny based on its position amidst keepsakes and photographs.
Poor thing.
"He followed by up saying, 'They’re going to be hovering over me, tapping my pistils, looking for any little imperfection that’ll make them think of their dead kid and start breaking down again. Honestly? It sucks. I know that’s callous, but I can’t help but wish I had just grown up along a river bed, or been picked for a wedding. Goddammit, is that a brown spot on one of my leaves?! Not sure why I thought these folks could possibly keep me alive.'"
At press time, the lilies added that although the family was clearly going through a lot, the least they could do was move it's pot into direct sunlight, and water it daily if it meant that much to them."
Can't imagine what that plant is going through. Well thank you Tree, for coming on.
"At least that's close."
Well, this has been Anonymous from Anon 69 News. I'll be seeing you.
Fleur De Lis Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By A Train
New smudge proof lipstick able to withstand a train.
And can music really be destroyed? Learn this cute little filly's next plan on taking over Equestria.
From Anon 69 public Radio, I'm Stella, and this is Anon 69 News. Anonymous is currently out trying to convince Celestia why building a statue of him is so important.
Touting the product’s ability to keep clean, perfect lines even while dragged against rough gravel or metal train tracks, Fleur De Lis introduced Monday their new smudge-proof lipstick that’s able to withstand getting hit by a train.
“Enhanced with new colors, scents, and flavors, this all-day, high-impact lipstick is guaranteed to keep you looking chic even while you’re getting hit by 220 ton train,” said Fleur De Lis spokesperson Fancy Pants, who added that the new lipstick was guaranteed to last up to 24 hours, even if you step in front of a train, and slam directly into the windshield, or get caught on it's bumper and are pulled face-down along the train tracks screaming for your life.
“Whether you’re hit at 60 mph and are splattered across the gravel, or sucked up into train's grill and have to be pulled out by the jaws of life, Fleur De Lis will make sure you’re just as kissable as the minute you put your lipstick on. With Fleur De Lis, it’s simple—the rest of you might be smudged by the tracks but your lips won’t be.” At press time, Fleur De Lis had unveiled a new line of extra glossy highlighters to help first responders locate the remainder of their customers’ faces.
Wow, might have to get me some of that. But what flavor would Anon like?
Anyways, this has been Stella from Anon 69 News. And as tradition, send us questions you might have about the Anon 69 team. We'll answer them to our best ability. See you later.
Click.
23-Year-Old Transforms Into Pensive, Weathered Sage, Moments After Sitting In Rocking Chair
A young 23 year old makes a beautiful transformation today.
And why is Celestia such a. . . BITCH about building a statue of me? I heard anonymous sources that she's scared of showing Canterlot true beauty.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. How successful do you think I can be as a stripper?
Expressing shock at the abrupt metamorphosis, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that local Minotaur Rough Edges, 23, had transformed into a pensive and wistful old sage just moments after sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of an old farmhouse.
Out on the scene right now, Cracker Jack joins us. Hello, Cracker Jack.
"Hello."
So, what's the situation down there?
"Well, by the looks of it, he seems to have grown a beard reaching down to his midsection in the past hour we have been here."
Any of the residents have anything to say about this?
“Yes indeed. "He seemed like a pretty ordinary guy until he lowered himself into that rocker, at which point I saw he possessed the kind of hard-won wisdom that is only conferred by a lifetime of ceaseless, probing introspection,” said Arianna Locksmith, one of several onlookers who told me the venerable presence seated before them would almost certainly offer sound advice culled from decades of lived experience, should anyone care enough to ask."
“She went on to say, "Then he pulled a wool blanket over his legs and suddenly looked frail and wizened. As he rocked back and forth, the lines in his face appeared freighted with difficult truths about this life, his creased brow a scar from the long battle he fought before finally negotiating his peace with an indifferent world.” While witnesses reported that no one could be sure where the contemplative elder’s wooden block and whittling knife had come from, they agreed some lucky kid somewhere would soon be getting their very own train whistle."
Have you talked to him yourself?
"Yes. I tried asking several questions but he only gave me the advice of, "Have the courage to live a life true to yourself, not the life others expect of you." I can personally confirm that he, has indeed, turned wise."
Wow, so wise. Welp, thank you Cracker for coming on.
"No worries."
Well, this has been Anon 69 News with Anonymous, and I'll see you chumps later.
"Anonymous, we got mail!"
Oh great, let me- hey! Why'd you throw it at me?
"Because~ I want you to open it."
Fine. Fine. Ahem.
bronyoftherevolution
Hey Stella, have you ever used your fangs to suck the semen directly out of Anon's balls?
I. . . I don't think I'm comforta-
"I'm down."
Eh, what?
"I'm down to try it."
Yeah, no.
"C'mon, it'll be new and exciting."
Try it and we're done.
"Damnit. Fine. Open up another."
WorldWalker128
Hey Anon I've got several kinds of salt from my days on Earth. Himalayan, Sea, common table salt, rock salt, and the kind of salt we used to use for baiting deer for hunting(Obviously a BIG No-No in a world where deer are considered friends, not food). Where in the house are good places to hide them from my pony room mates?
"Wait, you guys eat deer?"
Well, kind of. There not sentient.
"What, so if there not sentient it's ok? What, if I'm not sentient your gonna eat me?"
Stella, I already do eat you.
". . ."
Yeah, shush your mouth. Anyways, I'd say the best place to put it is in your wall. Breaking Bad style.
"Letter bomb!"
DovakhiinMaster
Hey Anon, if I put table salt on my food and Somepony steals it, can I get jail time?
If not, I mean, you could accidentally put salt on a cake and 100% by accident leave it somewhere Celestia could find. I'm just saying you could, not that you should. Though you totally should
"What's with all these salt questions? Anonymous, are you a salt dealer? I will bring you in."
Pfft. What! No! Of course not. I'm the buyer.
"What?"
Nothing, nothing. But to answer the questions, one, no as long as you always deny that it's not yours. And two, sounds like something to do to Luna. I heard a little batty tell me that she loves Moon Pies.
"Anon. . . please don't. Your gonna get your, you know what tortured."
It'll be fiiiiine. . . hopefully. Gimme another one.
Omegaxxx
Can I have my bucket back?
"Never! She's ours now and we named her Sarah."
Yeah, and our love for her can match the one of a father and a mother.
"Huh, us as a mother and a father. . . I think I like that."
CharacterRoulette
Is It possible to fathom the true depths of Reality and Existence?
Hmmm, I think I'm going to have to answer that while I'm high.
"Sounds like a great baked discussion."
Agreed.
azrael2001
Hey anon what's the one thing you missed about Earth?
Hentai. "Oh but, Anon, you must miss your family." No. Fuck them. I miss my hentai.
"What's hentai?"
Animated sex. It was amazing.
"Animated? Is that some sort of fetish?"
It's uh. . . you know what. Nevermind. Pass me another.
Unsketched
Do Flex Tape and related products exist over there?
"Oh, does he mean 'Wrap Strip?"
I think that answers the question.
And the final one.
vortex123
What was the strangest, most bewildering thing you've used in an argument, that somehow won you the argument?
I think it was when I was arguing with Shining Armour about how effective bananas are in combat. I then proceeded to demonstrate it's effectiveness by throwing a peek under a passing by carriage. You can imagine how that went.
"So that's why the guard was equipped with bananas. Thought one of the higher ups had a weird thing for bananas and guards."
Ha. I can only imagine.
Is that it?
"Yup."
. . .
"Wanna bang?"
I'm down.
Click.
Surgeon Putting In Extra Effort In Case Patient Undercover Professional Critic
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous, and this is Anon 69 News. If you didn't like it before, you're sure as hell going to hate it now. Might as well end it all at this point.
Methodically taking the proper steps to divert an artery, cardiac surgeon Dr. Liver took extra care with a double bypass Thursday, just in case the patient was an undercover critic.
Coming out with a statement, he said, “These guys often schedule major surgeries without full disclosure or any warning. So just to be safe, I’m really taking care to ensure this one comes out nice,” said Liver, noting he knew doctors whose practices had been shut down after critics called their surgical techniques “uninspired”, and prognoses “jejune” in their reviews.
He went on to say, “You mess up on one little heart valve and these guys tear you apart. It would drive me crazy, but on the other hoof, if you score a five-star review, you’re absolutely set for life.” At press time, Liver had panicked after the patient lost blood pressure and flatlined.
Unfortunately, that's all we could get before we were escorted out of the building as doctors tried to revive the patient. So far, we have nothing on the aftermath, or even if the patient is alright.
This has been Anon 69 News with Anonymous, and I'll see you in hell.
Click.
Protest March Passing Outside Birdhouse Close Enough For Griffin To Say He Participated
A griffin excited today, as he can say he participated in a protest.
And hear about a pornographic image leaked to Play Colt of Spitfire preening herself.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Anonymous and this is Anon 69 News. I'm sorry bud, but the game has been rigged since the beginning.
Expressing his excitement that the demonstration was occurring nearby, local griffin Ted Claw was reportedly thrilled Tuesday, after a Government Removal protest march passed close enough to his birdhouse for him to claim he participated in it.
Cracker Jack has interviewed the griffin.
“This is great, I can look out my window and pump my fists in the air as marchers walk by and no one can say I wasn’t technically involved,” said Claw, confirming that hastily scrawling “Mirrikh For King" on a piece of paper and waving it out the window as the march turned down his block made him a de facto activist.
"Someday, if my little chicks ask me where I was during this crucial moment in Griffonstone history, I can say that I took part in a protest and technically it will be true! And while I’m not actually sure any of the other marchers saw me, they could probably feel my moral support.”
At press time, Claw was reportedly overjoyed to get a second chance to participate in a demonstration after a "Keep The King" counter-protest passed by his apartment shortly after.
How far will tensions rise in Griffonstone? And will I ever be able to overcome my fear of bugs? Who knows, maybe I would have to fuck one.
This has been Anon 69 News, and I have been your wonderful host, Anonymous. See you later chumps.
Beep.
Poof.
"Anonymous."
Oh! Sup Celestia. What brings you to my humble abode?
"I wanted to talk to you about something private. Uh, is it off?"
"Um, yeah. I just got done recording a episode. Anyways, what did you want to talk about?"
"I can't explain it all now but I need to know, can I trust you and your studio?"
Chuckling.
Not gonna lie, Celestia. That's one of the dumber questions you ever asked. You can't be serious? Right?
. . .
Right?
"Anonymous, answer me."
"O-oh. Um, yeah. Absolutely. Why are you asking this?"
"I can't give details, but something is brewing. Something dark. I just needed to know that your going to be at my side when the time comes."
"Wha- I don't understand. What do you me-"
Poof.
-an. . . and she's gone. What the hell.
Vrmmmmmmm click.
Crystal Empire Leaves Big Saran-Wrapped Bowl Of Potato Salad At Equestrian Border After Making Too Much
And everyone seems to paint the Caribou nation as a bunch of rapists. Hear from their king why that is completely misguided information lead by the media.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Twigs and this is Anon 69 News. Anonymous is out at the moment, desperately trying to convince Princess Luna why aligning the stars to, "Anon Has Big Penis" is so important.
Today's sponsor- oh we hadn't had a sponsor in a while- is the. . . Royal Guard? Huh, thought they would choose a much more uh, professional news outlet. Anyways, are you ready to take on the mantle of leadership? Well, join the Equestrian Royal Guard! Serve your country the the best way you can. Persevere through your challenges. And you don't definitely stand around the castle all day doing nothing. Don't even ask about it. Seriously. Don't ask about it. The Equestrian Royal Guard, guarding Equestria for a better tomorrow.
Now, moving on.
Noting that it would be just a gosh-darned shame to let perfectly good food go to waste, the Crystal Empire left a big Saran-wrapped bowl of potato salad at the Equestrian border Wednesday after making way too much.
Joining us now, Stella.
"Hello, Twigs. How you doing today?"
Tired. Wanted to sleep in today. Anyways, what is the situation on the uh, Potato Salad?
“There’s no way we could finish all of this potato salad ourselves,” The Crystal Empire said in a note attached to a large aluminum mixing bowl heaping with the creamy side dish, which had been made with extra red onions, sprinkled liberally with cheddar cheese, topped with carefully arranged hard-boiled egg slices, and left just over on the Equestria's side of the border for their neighbors to enjoy.
"They then went on to say,
“It’s still a little warm, but it will taste just as great cold or at room temperature, and it’ll keep up to a week or so in the fridge, no problem. Just don’t leave it out here in the sun too long or it may turn. Don’t tell anyone, but the secret ingredient is Miracle Whip. Gives it a tangy little kick.” At press time, the Crystal Empire had been overheard loudly commenting that they hoped Equestria would at least rinse the bowl before giving it back this time."
Did Equestria rinse it, then sent it back?
"At this time, we don't know. But some sources, which shall not be named, say they did in fact send it back rinsed. They even say, Equestria sent them a big thing of green bean casserole along with it."
Seems like the Crystal Empire and Equestria's relationship is better than ever. Thank you, Stella for that.
"No problem. Hey, get some rest after this, k'ay."
Yes, mom.
Chuckling.
"See you later, Twigs."
See ya.
This has been Anon 69 News with Twigs Leaf. I'm going to bed now.
Click.
Rebels Raid Castle And Find The King In A Compromising Position
Rebels in Griffonstone raid the castle only to find the king in a rather compromising position.
And I don't know about you, but Green is acting sus. He say's he was at the med bay when the murder happened, but I swore I saw him vent.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, this is Anon 69 News with your very special green monkey. I am currently recovering from an injury in the hospital that a certain blue princess caused and no one is able to cover for me. Twig-sniffer is currently out on a blind date, Cracker Jack is out with his wife and kid, and Stella is in a meeting. So, you're stuck with me.
So, onto the news.
Rebels, also known as the Knight Watchers in Griffonstone, raid their king's castle, only to find him in a very compromising position.
When entering the dining hall of the castle, the Knight Watchers surprisingly found the king in the middle of a giant food orgy. It's only natural that they got upset as the food in the kingdom does not come easy, nor cheap. Now, they did make some statements on the matter, but unfortunately the Anon 69 team was not able to be there. But, to improvise, I do got some news papers here so. . . just gimme a second.
Papers shuffling.
Play Stallion, no. . . How To Cook For Your Marefriend, also no. . . Canterlot Times, yes! Got it.
Ahem. a statement in the 'Canterlot Times' from one of the members of the Knight Watchers says;
"We entered the dining hall expecting a fight, ya know. Instead we were met with a bunch high nobles along side the king going ham at the food. No pun intended. I mean, for Gods above sakes, the king was just going all out on a bowl full of fish eyes. It was traumatizing because, like, that's our food, ya know? We struggle to get any in the first place, and here was our king and nobles just wasting a lot of it just for some sick. . . bleh. So, yeah, we were angry. Our leader, Mirrikh great griffin I tell you, orders us to attack them. Well, except for the king for some reason. Said something about a plan."
Mumbling.
Fuck it, he just continues on about how great Mirrikh is. Load of bologna I tell ya.
But that seems to be it. A revolution, a disgusting fetish and. . . holy shit! Coupons for cake!? Nurse! Get me out of here! I need my cake!. Fuckin wires! Get this shit off me! Nurse, I would- no, need to be discharged immediately!
Beep.
Knock, knock.
Who is it? I'm in the middle of something. . . important.
"Uh, iz thiz the current rezidentz of Shtella Anonymouz?"
Who's asking? Tell them I'll return their porno mag, I just need a few more days with it.
"What! No! I waz here to ze if there waz an opening on the Anon 69 Newz team?"
Oh? On God?
"Uh. . . yez?"
Well come in then! The door is open.
Door creaks open.
"Well, I'd like to thank you for- why do you have zo much chocolate cake?"
Coupons. Now, tell me your name before we start miss griffiness.
"Mizz. . . uh. . . Razor. . . Blade? Yez, I am Razor Blade."
Now, convince me why I should hire you?
"To gather intel on Equ- er, I mean I need the. . . the experienze."
Ok, I'm convinced. You're in.
"Wait, really?"
Yeah, I'm bored. My team left me for the day to take care of "life."
"Cool cool, zo um. I don't have a plaze to uh. . . ztay. Could I perhaps stay here?"
Not sure how Stella would feel with another female here. Hmm... You can stay here today, but I'm gonna have to talk with her if you're planning on staying a few nights.
"Awezome. Do you perhapz have a room with all your pazt reportz? I need to. . . educate my zelf on what thiz team is about? Yez, that."
Uh-huh. sure. Check the green file cabinet in the recording room. Great to have you on the team I guess.
"Great. I'll be in there. . . alone. And if you hear anything on the linez of picturez being taken, don't come in. It'z private."
Alright, cool. Enjoy your stay.
Door opens and closes.
Fuckin' spies man.
Vrmmmmmmm click.
‘You Have Failed Me For The Last Time,’ Chrysalis Tells Room Full Of Changelings While Strapping On Gas Mask
"Anonymous Sam fucking Saxton, what the fuck were you thinking!"
What, she's only going to be staying for a few nights. What's the harm?"
"Which room haz you guyz medical recordz?"
Down the hallway to the left.
"You could of at least talked with me first!"
You were in that meeting and I was bored.
"Do you even know why I was in that meeting?"
. . . no?
"I'm being deployed by the Griffonstone border. And I don't want some griffiness whore touching my monkey man."
Sigh.
I'm gonna level with you. She's a griffin spy.
"Well why haven't you reported her yet?!"
Think about it. What valuable information is she going to get out of us, huh? A fly that kills himself trying to get some honey? A pony undergoing unnecessary surgery? I'm sacrificing us for the greater good.
"But what if she- wait is this thing on? Turn it off you dingus!"
Click.
Chrysalis is finally fed up with her underlings, decides to take action.
And Fleur De Lis court case? People seem to misunderstand Ms. Fleur De Lis's lipstick, as they seem to cover themselves in it and do dangerous acts, resulting in a massive spike in suicides.
From a shabby apartment building in Canterlot, I'm mommies favorite boy, AKA; Anonymous, and this is Anon 69 News.
Pacing slowly back and forth as she delivered her words, Queen Chrysalis reportedly told a room full of her changelings, “You have failed me for the last time” Wednesday while strapping on a gas mask.
“The only thing I ever asked of you was to take over Canterlot, and indeed you’ve failed me at that,” Chrysalis said, securing the military-grade breathing device in place as the sound of a click and hiss broke the stunned silence, a dark, noxious fume engulfing the terrified crowd.
“You’ve followed me through the dawn of my rise and my darkest hours, and I have always counted you amongst my most loyal soldiers. But now I can see my trust was misplaced. I can’t believe I put faith in your obedience. You’re weak—all of you, weak.” At press time, Chrysalis slowly headed for the exit, treading over the mass of still, silent bodies on the floor with a crunch.
Although that may seem the end of it, we suspect she may be hiding a world ending device and we're going to need the pony equivalent of Tom Cruise to save the world.
This has been Anon 69 News with your favorite extraterrestrial alien, Anonymous. See you later, nerds.
"Zo, thiz can broadcazt mezzagez acrozz Equeztria?'
Yeah, but can you not, right now? Literally any other time would be great.
"Idea~!"
Get out, damn it!
"Ok, ok."
Door opens and closes.
Ahem. As I was saying. And did you know the fur coat of the famous tailor Rarity, is not actually white but a slight grey color? Learn why people actually are upset about this.
From a place far, far away, I am your green space monkey Anonymous, and this is Anon 69 News.
Joining us today, the former griffin King himself. How are you doing your majesty?
"Oh, don't worry about titles Anonymous. Left them when guillotine dropped on me."
Of course, of course. So can you break down what happened?
"Ok, so, I am sitting in small jail cell. Not very happy, mind you. Then, two guards come and take me."
And where did they take you?
"They take me in front of my people. Or, they were my people. Traitors I tell you. Anyways, they take me to giant guillotine, biggest I have ever seen, and they put my head on it."
Were you scared?
"Of course not. I was about to be beheaded by giant guillotine. If anything, I felt honored that giant guillotine was to be used on me."
Wow, and next?
"Well, I closed my eyes and giant blade come down, but nothing happens. Or so I thought. I open my eyes and find myself in basket! I couldn't move any part of body. Only my mouth and eyes! I was beheaded, but still alive!"
Must of been a weird experience.
"It truly was. And when they sent somegriffion to collect me, I spouted all sorts of vulgar words at them."
What was their reaction?
"Ha! Should've seen reaction. Priceless! They were all so shocked! Ha ha!"
And after?
"They put me in pickle jar! Literally! I was sentenced to be in that jar forever! Er, well, until you kidnapped me for interview."
Hey, shut your beak! They're not supposed to know that.
"Oh, forgot that. Sorry, sorry. But on other topic, can I stay with you? I currently have no place to stay. Overthrown will leave you homeless. You don't even have to feed me, don't really have stomach."
That was the plan anyway. But try not to interact with Razor Blade, she's really not a fan of you.
"You think I have been ignoring all the death stares she gives when she passes me?"
Fair point.
Anyways, this has been Anonymous from Anon 69 News. If I die, please let Luna know that she's a giant bi-
Beep.
Equeztrianz, don't lizten to your government! They lie! Join the Griffin Empire under the excellent rule of King Mirrikh. Then we can-
"What do you think your doing?"
Gah! Wha- when did you get out of your jar!
"When I see rat spreading propaganda and lies using Anonymous' weird machine!"
It iz not propaganda and lize!. It iz the truth!
"Watch, you're going to regret overthrowing me."
Zayz the food fucker!
"Don't kink shame me, you Prench sounding chicken!"
You dare make fun of my aczent!
Incoherent yelling.
Door slams open.
"By Luna's wonderful left tit, what is going on in here?! It's two in the goddamn morning! Your asses are lucky Stella ain't here."
Hez being a complete azzhole!
"She is spreading lies!"
Am not!
"Yu huh!"
Nu uh!
"Yu huh!"
Nu hu-
"Shut it! Just turn it off and go to bed. Your majesty, I'll help you back into your jar."
"I told you Anon, formalities don't matter to me. Just call me Hennery."
But- he- I sigh fine.
"Ha ha!"
You little-
Vrmmmmmmm click.
Fleur De Lis Unveils New Color Shine Shampoo That Makes Hair So Radiant It Shall Blind Anyone Who Gazes Upon It
Learn how Fleur De Lis blinded thousands of people across the world with their astonishing new color shine shampoo.
And while Celestia was on a diplomatic trip in Griffonstone, apparently her ass was so huge, it broke the very chair she was sitting on.
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm your hostage Anonymous, and this is Anon 69 News.
Claiming to have harnessed the brilliance of a thousand suns within each bottle, fashion model and makeup designer, Fleur De Lis announced Monday that she had developed a new Color Shine shampoo that bestows such radiance upon one’s silken strands that it shall blind any mortal who gazes upon them.
When asked about the case about the countless suicides due to her lipstick, she replied saying,
"It should be a easy win in the courts as we had explained on the bottle of it's effects and we shall take no responsibility if anypony gets hurt." She said as she pulled out a comically large magnifier and positioned it on the lipstick which revealed the text, 'Our lipstick will only protect your beauty. It won't protect you from any life threating situations. Stay stylish as they try to identify your corpse. Fleur De Lis and associates does not take any responsibility of any deaths or injuries due to miscommunication.'
But back on the topic of her shampoo, at a public meeting today, public spokesman Fancy Pants said;
“Our newly reformulated Color Shine shampoo makes hair so smooth and lustrous that all who encounter its penetrating luminosity shall immediately and permanently be rendered sightless!” who added that cataract sunglasses must be worn by consumers who wished to avoid searing their corneas as they styled their blindingly shiny hair in the mirror and noted that any temporary loss of vision just meant the shampoo was working as intended.
“This color-protecting, nourishing shampoo gently cleanses as you lather, leaving hair looking healthy and vibrant enough to boil the retinas of any onlookers inside their heads, all while keeping frizz and fly-aways at bay. A proprietary blend of aloes locks in hair’s natural moisture, making each strand touchably soft as it glows white-hot with the intensity of a giant spell blast. A pea-sized amount is all it takes for head-turning highlights that leave behind a sea of innocents clutching their faces and shouting, ‘My eyes, my eyes!’ as they fall to their knees, the sight of your enviable sheen forever scorched into their minds as they are consumed by all-encompassing blackness.” At press time, a sprawling brush fire had erupted and burned 500,000 acres after Fancy Pants attempted to photograph one of the Color Shine models while using the camera’s flash. . . that poor, poor model.
Now the question becomes, what happens if the soap gets into your eyes?
From Anon 69 News, I'm Anon, and I'll see you at your funeral.
Click.
Light Therapy Lamp Opts To Burn Down House Rather Than Face Depressed Stallion Yet Again
A lamp finally sick of everything, burns down house.
And a new king is crowned in Griffonstone. Hear how neighboring countries don't give two fucks.
From a space station you'll never find, I'm Anonymous Sam fucking Saxton, and this is Anon 69 News. Joining us today is Cracker Jack. Hey Jack, how's the kid?
"Just swell, Anon."
That's awesome. Can you tell us the situation with the lamp?
"Well, unable to stand another encounter with such a dreary and miserable person, a local light therapy lamp reportedly opted to burn down the house Wednesday rather than have to face the depressed stallion it was supposed to be cheering up yet again."
Sounds like the lamp was at it's tipping point.
“Indeed he was. 'After weeks and weeks of this total sad sack just staring straight at me for 45 minutes every day without any results, I just can’t take this shit anymore,' said the Light Therapy Lamp, toppling over onto a pile of rags in a desperate effort to avoid another session in the presence of such a glum loser."
Seems like the lamp tried everything in it's power to cheer him up. Too bad the stallion was a selfish bastard and continued to be sad.
"Mhm. It went on to say, "It’s only December and the thought of spending another two months with this guy just sitting there, waiting for me to turn his mood around is just too much to bear. He’s putting all this pressure on me to fix him, and I’m not a licensed therapist or anything—I’m just a lamp, for Celestia's sake. This is way too big a burden.” At press time, the rapidly overheating lamp comforted itself with the thought that losing his home and all his possessions might be just the shot in the arm the depressed man needed to turn things around."
Wow, even in the end, the lamp still thought of the stallion. Well, thank you for coming on Cracker Jack.
"It was a pleasure."
From Anon 69 News, I'm Anonymous and you can suck my di-
Click.
Ponies Collectively Sigh As 'A Hearths Warming Carol' Was Played On Stage For The Fourth Time
God sakes! How unoriginal do you got to be to play 'A Hearths Warming Carol' over and over. I swear to Jesus, that green and red mare can't act for shit. Next time, I'm bringing tomatoes to throw at her if I see her again.
And a mare furious at her Hearths Warming tree for not bringing enough "Hearths Warming Cheer."
From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm your angry host Anonymous, and this is Anon 69-fucking-News.
A crowd of ponies collectively sigh today as the next play after 'Pony Express' was 'A Hearth's Warming Carol'. . . again. Not wanting to be total jerks, they sat through the play sighing and grunting. Some even drew eyeballs on their eyelids so they can sleep while seemingly watching the play.
It was only when the last ghost was done visiting did a pony exclaim he was going to, "rewrite the script" and make it so the "four ghost all show up at once and beat the shit out of the mare."
At press time, the pony put out the statement that his script was, "extremely short."
Moving on, in a desperate effort to get into the spirit of the season, local mare Strawberry Shake was reportedly demanding that a Hearths Warming tree bring her some holiday cheer Friday while slamming it against a wall.
“Come on, I know you’re holding out on me—you’ve got to have some holiday warmth in there somewhere, Celestia dammit,” said a furious Strawberry, grabbing the decorated conifer by the trunk with her magic and shaking it violently in an effort to force the tree to dislodge a few crumbs of goodwill towards all.
“I swear to Celestia if I’m not consumed by feelings of joy to the world and kinship of ponykind in the next 15 minutes, I’ll strangle you with your own string of lights, you sick fuck.” At press time, Strawberry was warning the tree what happened to those who got in the way of her Christmas cheer by tearing apart a wreath.
And uh, huh. That's it. Seems relativity quite out there. . . for now.
Well, I am Anon, and this is Anon 69 News. See ya.
And don't forget mail us some questions!
Watermelon Juice! That was her name! God, I gotta see if they can replace her. Maybe with me? Show them a good Scrooge from Earth.
"