Anon 69 News

by Amilition

Authorities Warn Against Flavored Blades

Its the hottest trend among our nations teens, but could it be deadly? Hear why the Royal Guards is warning against the use of flavored blades.

And can rocks feel sexual pleasure? There is only one way to find out.

From Anon 69 Public Radio, I'm Cracker Jack and this is Anon 69 News. Is there a doctor around? Because I feel like I'm having a news attack.

It seems like more and more people are using them each day, but the Royal Guards issued a major warning to consumers today against the potential health risks associated with flavored blades. Anon 69 Correspondent, Twigs, has been following this story and joins us now. Hello Twigs.

"Hello Mr. Jack."

So Twigs, what promoted the Royal Guards to issue this warning?

"Well, federal experts are investigating reports of severe injuries and even deaths that could be connected to sucking on a sharpe blade several times a day. Royal Guard captain Shinning Armour talked to the press this morning and had this to say."

"So far at least 33 towns have reported 450 cases of flavored blade users experiencing severe negative health effects that include cutting half their face off and even succumbing to sudden death."

"Shinning also cited the results of a recent study showing a surge in underage use of the blades dipped in flavor pods with names like, Candy Cuts, Iron and Watermelon, Sharp Whipped Cream and Death by Chocolate, which experts say appeal to teens."

"Foals are calling it Slicing, and the trend is spreading incredibly fast because kids like the taste of the blade and share their weapons with their friends who then go out and get their own to stick in their mouths."

And are smiths who make these flavored blades taking any responsibility?

"Not exactly. Smiths have repeatedly stated that they do not advertise flavored blades twords children, and as long as you don't shove the blade down your throat, its all harmless fun. And right now, they are currently fighting the flavored blade bans that some town mayors are trying to pass. One pony who is supporting the smiths is SHS President Scar Eye. Here is what the griffin had to say."

"The Equestrian rule books on sword owning and handling protects our rights to bear swords that are delicious. Of course, we advocate for responsible flavored blade ownership and as long as you practice moderation, its a great way to tak the edge off. Plus, you can use them indoors with visually second hand health effects. Just watch. Aaamm! Mhmm! I love it!

Slice!

Screams in terror fill the background.

"Aaahhh! There's blood everywhere!"

Oh Celestia, is he ok?

"Mr. Eyes should gain most movent in his face back after a few surgeries. Though he denies that the cause of her recent hospitalization had anything to do with the flavored blade he had in his mouth at the time."

Well it looks like we'll have to wait a little longer for the verdict to come back on these flavored blades. Thank you Twigs.

"You bet."

Well, its never too early to start thinking about the future. And top financial experts recommend that those in the most volatile job markets should make it a priority. Analysts are especially encouraging young grifters to start laying down the groundwork for their long con before the age of 25. One of the well known scam artist, Flam, joins us now. Hello, Flam.

"Hey there Cracker."

So Flam, why is it so important for these young hustlers to start working on their big scam early?

"Even though grifting offers a lot more flexibility than a job in a organized racketeering, a con artist never really knows when the next sucker is going to come along. Plain and simple, it takes time to lay the bricks that gets you on the path to easy town.

I see. So how should young con stallions and con mares be investing?

"Most advisors strongly urge young scammers to put away 10% of their side hustle earnings while they're still in their early twenties. Yeah, sure, it may not seem glamorous, but burning fur never is. And nopony wants to be pick pocketing saddle bags or shaving dice when they're 90. Just listen to some of the gold brickers I spoke with recently."

"I had a nice racket going, stealing purses from little old rich mares in the park. It was easy bits. But now I'm 45 and I'm slow and I got an arrest record that severely limits my earning potential."

Jail cell opening.

Well I had my long con all planned out and ready to go. Had my fake ID, found my mark, had a long running Wonderbolts performance, putting a few politicians into some compromising photograph positions. It was beautiful. But now, instead of sipping on some of the finest cider in Equestria in my own mansion like I should be, I'm locked up in this joint because of no good, double-crossing broad Midnight Rose."

"Now Bed Bunk got a bad rap. But that's why financial analysts also suggest diversifying your portfolio of scams to include modern ventures such as duping, fortune telling, and running illegal griffin ID farms."

Sounds like there are a lot of good investment options out there for young swindlers. So if grifter does put the pieces of a long con into place, when should it pay off?

"Depends on the scam. But if your smart and responsible with your schemes, not too long. Take Midnight Rose for example. She used the cash she pinched off of Bed Bunk to get her hooks into a rich, old noble early."

"Hehehe! I just pulled some strings, paid a few bribes, and suddenly I find myself the personal nurse of a 93 year old stallion that is the CEO of a successful building business. Awww, Wood Plank, such a sweetie. Well anyhoo, one thing led to the other and we got married! It wasn't long after he changed his will he had a terrible accident. I'll never forgive myself for parking his wheelchair under that crane, dangling that pile of bricks. Mmmm, want some cider?"

Well, to anyone who's listening in the bilking industry, you might want to start working toward that bigger goal sooner than later. Thanks Flam.

"Hey, put her there partner."

Oh, alright. See ya. What a nice pony. Wait, what the. . .? He took my watch. That son of a bitch took my watch! I gotta go after him. W-where is my carriage ID?

Sound of a carriage riding off.

Hey! That's my carriage identification card you asshole! Damnit!

This has been Cracker Jack From Anon 69 News. We're gonna cut it short today to find somepony to take me home later. But when were back we will talk about, I don't know, the economy or something.

Fuck!

Click.

---

Knock, knock, knock.

"Oh Anooon~!"

Come in!

"Guess what Anon?"

What.

"We got some letters~!"

God damnit. Do I have to open them?

"Unless you want to be in here for longer, yeah. Yeah, ya do."

Can't argue with that. Fine. Pass me the first one.

"Aye, aye, captain!"

Lets see what we got. . . ahem. "Have you tried washing his hands in vinegar and offering them to Lyra to pay off that deal? It might guarantee she never asks again if they taste bad." Man, why didn't I think of that instead.

"What did you use instead?"

I used salt.

"Pffft! Ha! How did that go?"

Not a pleasant experience. She got high as fuck and tried eating my hands after that. Had to call the nurses to get her off of me.

"You poor, poor bastard. Kay, here's another."

"Here's my question. When Luna was beating you to a bloody pulp, did you get a boner?" I shall neither deny nor confirm that.

"Maybe I should try that with you next time. Wink, wink."

Shush you pony lips before I put sock in there.

"Didn't know you were into sock play~."

I will fondle your kneecaps, Stella.

"Hehe. Another one incoming."

"Dear Anon, being the only human and being a healthy, normally, male we were wondering... just how blue are those balls? Or have you gone native?" Man, I tell you what. For the first couple of years being here, my balls were more blue than the sky. That was until mine and Stella's arrangement.

"So that's why you came when I barley licked it."

What was that?

Nothing! Nothing at all! Here, open another one."

"I wonder if anon got guns...." How the hell do you ponies know what guns are? Anyways, I tried to make a homemade ones, nearly blew my hand off.

"Weird, Anon. Ok, last one."

"So Anon besides the obvious, you bone any other ponies besides Stella?" Well-

"You best not, you fucking green monkey. I'm all that you need to suite your sexual desires. And fuck herds, not enough cock to go around."

. . . woah, Stella.

"Sorry, sorry. Bad experience in the past. So why don't we throw that letter away."

Hey! I still haven't answered them yet!

"Do you really want to answer it?"

. . . ok, maybe not.

"Good boy."

Click.

Comments

[Omegaxxx]

How do you keep pumping out good storys on a daily baisys my dude?
Honestly I'm impressed!

[Starlight Nova]

Why isn't there an anthology tag?

[Amilition]

10147872
With the power of magic~. . . and staying up past 3 am only surviving on chips and energy drinks will do that to you too.

[Omegaxxx]

10147949
Ahh so the "late night creative person" bundle eh?

[PonyDragon]

Nice touch on the relatioship between Anon and Stella.
I hope we will hear more of that in the future.

But really, why flavored blades?
What about daggers? Or arrows?
And heavy war hammers for the stupid brave ones.

[Amilition]

10148943
Yeah, I like their relationship too. Have some plans up my sleeve. And who said that smiths weren't already working on other flavored stuff.

[Bloody_Tofu]

Hahahahshah. Oh thank you that answer was gold.

[Devela]

"Sorry, sorry. Bad experience in the past. So why don't we throw that letter away."

That made me giggle for a good few minutes.

[Amilition]

10151921
Aha! I must be doing something right if my poor writing is making people chuckle! This must be the way.

[Foreflight]

And can rocks feel sexual pleasure? There is only one way to find out.

LICK THE ROCK. THE ONLY WAY.