• Member Since 17th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Navanastra


Hi im just a simple German guy who lives in the Philippines. I like to draw in my spare time or do stuff with my computer. P.S I always appreciated all the nice comments and Fav you guys give me:D

Sequels1



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(This Fic has a sequel, or a continuation as you like.)

Have you ever imagined that one day you would wake up in a strange new world in an even stranger new body? Well I never have but it still happened and now I am running around in my OC’s body in a land I thought was nothing more than a silly children’s cartoon.

Well here I am…in the land where friendship is supposedly magic as an alicorn no less, staying with the two pegasi sisters while trying to make sense of my situation and keeping my whole alicorn appearance a secret…especially from the OTHER two alicorn’s. God knows what happens when these ponies find out what I really am...Both now and what i used to be.

Hopefully, one day…all of this will make sense and let’s just hope I don’t cause too much chaos while trying to find answers and trying to find a way back home.

(STORY GOT FEATURED IN 25/7/2016 :pinkiehappy:)

(This story was somewhat inspired by "The Third Roommate" and "Fleeting Flames" but will still have its own nature, style and obviously plot. Also big thank you to WrittenWord333 for helping me figure out the plot for this story.)

(Cover art by me.)

Chapters (27)
Comments ( 1304 )

I like this interesting story, probably some laughs and maybe jealousy on a couple of chapters to see. Looking forward to see how things turns out.

7347612 Glad you like it. But what do you mean by jealousy?

7347620 Just saying that a few mares including Cloudchaser, Flitter, Rainbow Dash, or any other might be interested with a human boy that turned into an alicorn. It could be a little tiny bit of romance and/or that mares would be jealous when one of the mares are going out with him. That's just my own theory if it does happen or not.

The alicorn oc is making me cautious but i will read this and judge later:twilightsheepish:

Nice looking cover art none the less

7347633 Ah ok i see where your getting at. But almost all ponies (except for Flitter and cloudchaser...and maybe some elected few) dont know about him being an alicon less alone a human. For all he will appear as a normal unicorn because of his covered up wings and it will stay like this for a long majority of the fic.

And yes i like to think that he is (unknown to him) a super cute pretty boy in pony standard (because we all like to be handsome :twilightsheepish:) despite him being awkward in public.

7347647 Dont worry, i have no plans (or never had) in making him into a "Marry sue" Despite his outside appearance (that he tries to hide from everyone) he is just a normal guy, though somewhat awkward in public and a bit of a coward.

The reason why i made him into an alicorn is because of all the fun ideas i had that could be implemented with this. The whole trying to hide your outside appearance is one of them or spreading unintentional chaos in awkward situations.

I already have figured out all the reason onto why the main character is an alicorn. He is NOT becoming a "Oh i am better than everybody else" or "I am a god now" type character so you don't need to worry about that.

But again as you said you have to wait and see how it develops.

7347681

You blame 3 years of this site for me being a little wary but as i said, ill judge after work :twilightblush:

7347659 Cool and I like to see of how long he'll be hiding his secret before any other ponies in public including the princesses find out. Could be also funny of seeing how many crazy random laugh there'll be and what lessons he'll learn in Equestria.

I...like it...for now, let's see you go from here.

Nice. Alicorn OC. Been a while since I've seen a story willing to use one. Not much I can fully judge off the first chapter, but the writing style feels fine so far. Here's to a new story.

7348020 Thank you. Half of the credit goes to my editor "WritenWord333" who also help me figure out future plot points for this story and also figure out a good idea why Nava is an Alicorn.

Chapter 2 to 5 are already finished and only need my editor to get off his butt. I am currently writing chapter 6.

Na, mal gucken was daraus wird. Immer gut aufpassen mit Alicorn OC's!
(Let's see where this goes, beware of Alicorn OC's, handle with care)

Everything about my body feels like as if it has just been through allot by the way it hurts and how...unfamiliar it feels as well…actually…wait a minute.

"alot"
This seems needlessly complicate.

I have much more important problems to think off than liquor.

"think of"

7348142 When du denkst das Nava zum "marry sue" wird dan muss ich dich enttäuschen.

Du kannst die anderen comments lesen fur mehr information.

Hmm...I usually avoid HiE fics like the plague:pinkiesick: but this my friend has my attention thus tracking. :pinkiehappy:
Also great start to the story it is very correct in the assumption of waking in a new and alien body unlike most HiE fics.:pinkiehappy:His reaction was priceless! :rainbowlaugh:
Although based on your description he won't be a Gary Stu but, be careful as not to overpower him.
If you're tying this fic w/ the main storyline try to make it subtle instead of making him the hero of the episode try to make him more subtle making waves instead of tsunamis.:scootangel:
I hope to see more soon! :pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile:

Your Friendly Neighborhood Bat,

~Midnight "Beat" Gear
P.S - please don't call me "Middy":fluttershysad:
P.P.S - love your writing style

Comment posted by Navanastra deleted Jun 30th, 2016

This comment will sound largely negative and has proven to be extreemly long, but please bear in mind I say these things not out of spite, but with constructive criticism from mistakes I've made myself. In fact, I wouldn't mind trying to help you refine these shortcomings to help the story along. Furthermore I wish to clarify that I offer all advice with the knowledge I'm not the final athority on any of it—even though I may type it as if I were. Please bear that in mind as you read:

I looked at the plot, and despite the two to three stereotypes I've seen this story set itself up for (Alicorn OC, Human in Equestria/self insertion) the plot seems to be developing as solidly as anybody could fairly ask from a story using such tropes. Yes, I realize that was a bit of a kick 'em, kiss 'em, kick 'em. But I intend it with positiveness and I do wish to see where this story goes.
That said: You need a grammatical editor, badly. I myself have been rejected by Equestria Daily for grammatical errors, even after refining my story, and still had lots of people enjoy it. So don't feel too bad. Seeing other positive comments has got to say something about the story. But I came across many mistakes in this story's grammar and flow that I myself have done in the past. Now I'm not formally trained with creative writing, but to point out the mistakes I've made myself:

0) More of a footnote that needs said before we get into the rest: Artistic expression can override grammatical correctness and actually add more to a story than it takes away, but! If such exceptions are to be made, they must be made carefully, purposefully and cleanly. Otherwise they take away more than they add. Writing creatively often requires a careful Yin-Yang blend of following strict rules and making exceptions to said rules. Knowing what balance is needed comes with experience. I'm just sharing mine.

1) Staying consistent with past and present tense.
Granted, you aren't tripping over it nearly as much as I used to, and there are special exceptions to this, but as an example read this quote out loud with emphasis on the underlined word. Think about how it flows with the rest of the sentence:

What I saw immediately send shivers of shock through my spine as my eyes went wide in disbelief.

It's the correct base word, but the wrong form. Little things like this can throw off some readers. (granted a lot of them would look at the self insert/human in Equestria trope and skip over the story, thus the lack of down votes. But that's their loss.) I think this is probably the phrasing that does what you were intending to do:

What I saw immediately sent shivers of shock through my spine as my eyes went wide in disbelief.

2) the over use of ellipses (...)
I can't give a single example in your story to prove the point, as it's not any one spot that this happens and it would be too long to explain it in text. So here's a video clip that can sum up what I'm trying to say:

Here's a spot where I think the ellipses are used correctly and can stay:

“Uhhhhwhy couldn’t I have woken up on a field of grass in state or even better MY BED!!!”

This correctly draws out the pause between the sentences to emphasize sluggishness. But try to ask yourself if other punctuation can do the trick to keep from watering the dramatic effect of the ellipses down with frequent use. Here's some examples:

1) “Ohh….mygodwhy do I feel sooooo sore?”
2) Nooono of course not, one I don’t have money and two I really never liked the taste of alcohol to-
3) -begin with. Besides winewhich I am positive we don’t have-

The first one has two mistakes. When using one word at a time, 99% of the time it is sufficient to simply use a single period behind each word to show each being spoken in its own separate sentence. And the second is the ellipse at the end. I is completely unnecessary as the slowed flow has already been emphasized by the separately spoken words at the beginning, and by the extended vowel towards the end. (which is technically grammatically incorrect for formal writing like a report, but artistic expression can override grammar, so long as it is used sparingly and cleanly as I said before. So no foul on that bit.) Now if there was no indication of pause or slowing in the sentence before, but a pause is needed at the end and the end alone, then perhaps it would be appropriate.
The second one has no need either. A simple comma or period after the extended vowel is sufficient as stated before. Which one depends on how you wish to combine the next sentence to the ones around it. Any of the forms I give below should work, depending on what you are trying to emphasize. But commas are still something of a weak point of mine, so just read and consider them, then go with whatever your gut says.
The third is simply incorrectly used in its entirety, at least as far as I can tell. What I can see from the words surrounding it, you aren't trying to emphasize a pause in thoughts, but a quick interjection. I can think of at least two other forms of punctuation that are actually intended for this—one of which has a similar dramatic effect, if done in a similar sparing fashion. Here's how I would wright the exampled sentences:

1) “Ohh. My. God. Why do I feel sooooo sore?”
2a) Nooo, of course not. One, I don’t have money and two I really never liked the taste of alcohol to-
2b) Nooo. No, of course not, one I don’t have money and two I really never liked the taste of alcohol to-
2c) Nooo. No, of course not. One, I don’t have money and two I really never liked the taste of alcohol to-
3a) -begin with. Besides wine, which I am positive we don’t have-
3b) -begin with. Besides wine—which I am positive we don’t have- (alt code 0151, and is the one that should be used sparingly.)

And unless you are beginning a paragraph or quotation with the ellipse, give it the same spacing as a period would receive.
"...For example... This is is how an ellipse should be spaced." (Mind I double space between sentences, but others use single spacing. Either can be used, depending. I'm not 100% sure what the difference is, so just go with your own style on that point.)

3) Smaller items I'm sure you can catch, such as not capitalizing the word "I" all the time. I mean Still make similar Mistakes to this day. :trollestia:

4) Furthermore, the "when everything is emphasized, nothing is emphasized" rule can apply to your ALL CAPS technique. Now even though critics have told me to never, ever use all caps, and I would still strongly suggest considering it, I won't say it has to be done. Creative freedom can apply to that, even if some critics will stick up their noses. What I do suggest is that you use it sparingly and learn to use other, milder forms of emphasis such as bold, italics and exclamation points. (!, ?! and ...!?)
But even then use the "formal" emphasis techniques in moderation and once again the ALL CAPS technique extremely sparingly if at all. Let the simple flow and immersion of the story subtly take care of emphasizing the smaller items that only need a touch of emphasis.

But since I mentioned exclamation points, a few pointers their too. Not that I think you made mistakes, mind, just that they may help. (thus the lack of a number on this point) I used two different question mark/exclamation point combo in the prior paragraph's example, but I want you to know doesn't matter if the exclamation or question mark comes first in it. Just make sure whichever order you pick, that you stick to it. Keep the use of any punctuation consistent and don't try to take them to comical EXTREMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It loses its credibility as the more is used and reaches point of diminished returns very quickly. If used in even in slight excess, it wouldn't create an extreme reaction, but break immersion for the reader and actually cause less effective emphasis than what simpler forms would do. It also is a little similar to someone that yells/types louder than their opponent on a discussion board. It doesn't make them any more right. It just means they are making a fool of themselves and are either trolling or are being trolled.
So in short you typically want no more than one of any type of punctuation in a combo as a general rule of thumb. The rare exception may be had with a double, maybe, but it's best not to get into the habit. No "...!?!!...???" all together in one place either. It just confuses the reader.
Naturally, an ellipse is considered its own separate form of punctuation from the period, but be careful about bending the rules of its use past that. I could say that the proper form of the ellipse is exactly three periods, not four as I saw you use at least once. But I'd be a hypocrite not saying some artistic variation can be used for a specific needed effect, on rare occasion. I've purposely broken the rule at least once myself for said artistic variation. And the "???" ellipse variant is generally used more for illustration (pictures, comics, animation) than writing. So try to shy away from that too.

I hope this helps, and that it didn't just piss you off. I have seen you've done about as much writing as I have on this site, and I'm not sure how you will react to some stranger that is at most your peer at authorship nitpick your work.

Did it say if he was a mare or stallion? I didn't see.

You know what, sure, I'll try this

Usually MCs stepping into the world as alicorns annoy me, even more so when in the earlier years there was just so many, loaded with so much wish fulfillment that it hurts to even read story descriptions when they say 'And the mane 6 and princesses are my wives' *Cringes*

But

As much as I hate the premise, some authors have managed to write good stories with them. None were truly overpowered, they had to learn and grow to use their new body's gifts, the hardships that entail with such physique, be it socially and- though they want to avoid it- politically. And over time, after much growth and hardships, I can accept that they're suddenly needed to clash with titan-class threats like Tirek or some random inter-dimensional baddie.

So I'm going to read this, your MC has stated their intent, silently existing and aiming for minimal exposure. I will await the day when your MC has no choice when or how they're revealed, they're always dramatic.

7348300 The term "correct" in situation where one wakes up in an alien body or seeing aliens/being on an alien world is kinda absurd to me. Everyone is different, and they react to things differently (to a certain extend). There is no universal must be. As for Mary Sue...Sigh...This term used to mean something.
Overpowering an OC...depend on your meaning of overpowered. That he solves every issues with ease or he is supposely as powerful as any alicorns? that his power being absurdly low for being an alicorn Is the kind of thing that I called "trying too hard". Lack of control, I can accept. Lack in power when he is in the body of a supposely powerful being? No.
He is young, but he is still a alicorn so that should put him above the average unicorns in power level...Somewhere around Starlight Glimmer or Twilight.
Celestia and Luna both have at least centuries of experience and training to draw from. Their power level accumulate throughout the ages after the "upgrade" from normal ponies.

I do agree with not being "the hero" or "the star" (in their own stories I can accept)...We already have 6 of them...Don't need another one (Good writing skills and decent enough plot that diverse from canon at least somewhat can make it likable. Or at least, tolerable). Or being a bystander to be exact...I don't really want to rewatch the episodes "with added characters in the focus" .

7348349 Don't say you "don't intent" or "don't plan" for your characters to become something...That is like inviting Murphy to fuck up your stories in many ways.

7348360 Uhh...dude i am just writing a fic not a full blow novel or New York times bestseller. If i was i wouldn't even be here :scootangel:

Also yes your comment is super long. So long in fact that i cant read it all now because i have to go to be. I will read it in the morning.

7348362 Stallion. Will make it more apparent in future chapter, and maybe even making and uploading sketches of him. Very easy :twilightsheepish:

Comment posted by reflective vagrant deleted Jun 29th, 2016

7348349
BTW whwhere did you get the art? I love it! :pinkiehappy:Especially the ever stoic royal guard.:rainbowlaugh:

7348413 Oh i see. Well peoples constantly always imagine that an alicorn character will become overpower or someone who is perfect or sees himself to be better than everyone else, and i just want to disprove that.

I do understand that alicorn OC have a bad reputation because of that. But i just wanted to try out something new and different.

7348460 It's when you keep repeating that mantra in your head, making you "try too hard" resulting in the sort of characters that people will hate because:
A: Too whinny.
B: Too weak or too "pacifist" (True pacifist is another story. Even though I dislike them, it is more a personal opinion...That, and said character is extremely hard to pull off when they play a big part in the story) and being walked on everytime by everyone not friendly. Like Fluttershy of season 1-4 actually. I don't mind such a character, but they need to move forward, need to have some character progression. I like Fluttershy during season 1-4 because she is adorable and has soothing voice...And that is the only thing that she got going for her. Her season 5 and 6 is a lot better.
C: Too stupid and or oblivious.
D: Incompetent.
E: Too flawed that he/she has no good and redeeming qualities, or any good and redeeming qualities are drown out by the bad ones.
F: Other reasons. A lot of reasons that come in from all spectrum of characterization.

Vagrant made a lot of good observations, but he missed one of the most important criticisms.
"Show, don't tell"

I won't regurgitate an entire creative writing lecture, so I'll put it this way:
Would you rather see a movie by sitting down, turning on a tv, and watching it like normal;
or by blindfolding yourself, muting the tv, and getting someone else there to watch it and tell you whats happening.

A little generic of a start but not a bad one.

The first thing I saw after sleeping my glasses back over my eyes was obviously my surroundings

I believe that you mean slipped

Don't care that it's a hie-fic, IMMA READ IT!!! (P.S. I love The cover art)

My only question is , is he near sighted or far sighted

7348482 Ok...I i said in the previous comments i already have everything planned out where i want this fic to go.

7348521 To be honest the best way i can learn is through constant exposure and over time. Like keep writing and writing and reading to get an idea in how i should write the next time.

These direct explanations just confuse me and intimidate me as well, but i do learn slowly over time.

When I look at the cover the OCs cute face and black mane with a red stipe in it instantly reminds me of Markiplier. I can't NOT read his lines in Marks voice after seeing the cover. It just fits too well.

7353063 Nerve though of that. But i created him long before mark even had colored hair so i was not copying his style. I can even prove it. I have a gallery at inkbunny.net i have a pic of him uploaded over 2 years ago. Back than he was called silver wing but i change it to Nava at some point.

https://inkbunny.net/submissionview.php?id=594492

7348360
That is a very nice and well considered set of criticisms. I wish more readers took the time to provide such guidance.

7354570

Huh... It was only me sharing my notes from my own mistakes, but it is nice to see some appreciate it. As I implied before, I'm not a proper editor or proofreader, but if you know someone that is lacking an editor and will take what they can get, or need someone to pre-screen the work to lighten the load on any proper editor/proofreader they already have, then I'd be willing to at least see what I can do for them.

I can't comment on the story direction so far save for I like transformations, but I will say the stylish cover art really sells the idea of it, especially since the author drew it. I will admit I am basically going to read the story on the cover art alone, when more of it is posted.

7353081 when do u think the next 1 will come out:pinkiegasp::rainbowkiss::moustache::trollestia:because i love this story already!!!:yay:

7354825 When the next one has been edit, i don't trust myself to be able to find all the mistakes, so i need an outside source to help me with it. Also chapter 2 to 5 are already done. I am currently writing chapter 6.

7354783 Why would a bird be underground mining? A bird should be outside, free to fly through the open skies.

7355408

In case you honestly don't know, it's an expression, and kinda morbid at that. It's position has been used to name all kinds of things with concepts that are barely related, such as Warrant Canaries. The image is just a cute layer to a morbid concept.

7355659 Ooh a cute little Fennekin likes my story. ^^

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