Chapter 1: The worst wake up call EVER
//The (Mis)adventures of Nava//
/Chapter 1: Worst wake up call EVER/
Story by: Navanastra
Edited by: WrittenWorld333
“Oh, my, god, why do I feel sooo sore?”
Waking up is one thing…waking up feeling like as if an elephant has been using you as his personal sitting cushion all night long is another, and let me tell you it feels horrible…like really horrible. I generally have no idea how it feels to have a hangover simply because…well I don’t drink but I guess this is somewhat close to it…I guess.
Yup close enough because now I also have a pounding headache to go with it. Bloody fantastic. Is there anything else on my body that doesn’t feel like it’s about to die…anything...please?
The other thing I quickly noticed besides my body killing itself with pain was how unfamiliar all of this felt. For once I could tell that I was NOT laying on my nice soft comfy mattress I came to recognize whenever waking up, instead what greeted me is the simple feeling of laying yourself down on something that would explain why, oh why my body feels as rugged and stiff as a plank of old used wood.
I was laying on a rock, a cold hard rock.
Why? How? When? I really don’t know, in fact I don’t know anything besides what happened the day before. Which really is strange and worrying since I never had the displeasure of experiencing memory loss in such a way.
Am I really sure I didn’t just suddenly decided to go out, buy a bottle of funny juice and drown myself with it just for the heck of it?
Nooo…no of course not, one I don’t have money and two I really never liked the taste of alcohol to begin with. Besides wine…which I am positive we don’t have in the house simple because we only get some during special occasions like Christmas or New Year and stuff like that.
WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN DOING!!?? I have much more important problems to think of than liquor. Where the heck am I and what the heck happened. For once I can tell beyond the stiffness and pain that I am NOT in my room judging by the sound and smell around me.
I can hear leaves rustling in the wind, owls hoooing, wolves howling and everything around me smells like nature.
If…that’s even how you’re supposed to evaluate nature.
I don’t know, it kind of smells like how grass starts to smell after a rainy day so I guess I can say it smells like nature.
I’m losing track of the severity of my situation again aren’t I?
Well that’s just great, I can’t even focus on a single topic without derailing myself with all this extra nonsense my mind is known for, it would definitely be easier IF MY BODY WASN’T AS STIFF AS A BOARD AND WOULDN’T FEEL LIKE IT WAS ON THE VERGE OF DYING, THIS IS BY FAR THE WORST WAKE UP CALL I EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!
Speaking of waking up…why haven’t I opened my eyes yet? Oh…right…my eyelids feel as if they are made of lead…great.
Everything about my body feels like as if it has just been through a lot by the way it hurts and how...unfamiliar it feels as well…actually…wait a minute.
I…I do feel different…like really different…did I suddenly grow extra limbs all of the sudden and why the heck can’t I feel my hands or fingers. For that matter WHY CAN'T I FEEL MY FEET, WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?
“I NEED to open my eyes NOW…I need to see where I am and what happened to me”
Who knew that opening your eyes would ever become so slow and tedious that it almost felt it wasn’t worth the effort, but with a bit of grunt I finally managed to get my eyeballs out of their covers and into the light of the outside world, and the very first thing that greeted me was nothing but a blurry dark mess of dark colors in almost unrecognizable shapes and sizes. Though it was not the only image that greeted me. There was…something else, something much clearer and much closer and more obvious than the rest, something that was right at the very bottom of my peripheral vision.
“I need my glasses…where the heck are my glasses?”
Moving my head and neck was almost a torture on its own, I don’t want to sound like a broken record but just like the rest of my body they were sore and stiff and moving them hurt like ass.
With a heavy grunt I managed to move my head to the left in hopes to find what I was looking for, it also doesn’t help the fact that I was dragging my head right across the hard rough surface of the rock I was laying against which just made this even less enjoyable than it already was. Only to eventually find out that my glasses were not there at all. Great all the effort wasted for nothing.
“Uhhhh…why couldn’t I have woken up on a field of grass in state or even better MY BED!!!”
At this point I felt really annoyed, if I ever want to find out where the heck I was, what the heck happened to me and why I needed to find my glasses because without them I was almost as blind as a freaking bat.
Greeting my teeth in discomfort as I slowly turned my head all the way to my right I began to quickly note on how long my hair felt like. I mean shit it’s all over my eyes as well, moving across my vision while turning my head.
And…and did I just saw red hair? Did I really just saw a red spot on my normal natural black hair? For once I know that my hair is normally much shorter than it feels right now and second I never EVER have used any hair dye in my life because the idea of putting anything on my hair that wasn’t shampoo was always cringey though for me…unless…this is not dye at all.
This was slowly becoming more and more surreal with every passing second which is somewhat pointless since the pain I felt all over my body was certainly the real deal. No amount of hallucination, dreaming or drugs can emulate the pain I am feeling now.
After a slow and gruesome trek of turning my head fully back to the right I eventually sighed in utter relief for the first time since I awoke to see the blurry outlines of my beloved and trusty glasses just laying lazily beside my head.
With as much effort as I could muster and gritted teeth I began to turn my whole body around in an effort to fully face the right so that I have a much easier time grabbing them. Every muscle and joints in my arm were screaming at me as I slowly moved them towards my glasses in an attempt to seize them, only to end up halting my efforts when a new and frightening sight entered my already bad vision.
“What the….is…is that my arm? Where…where is my hand…WHERE IS MY BLOODY HAND?”
Ok, fuck this. I need to grab my glasses ASAP and see exactly what the MOTHERFUCKING fuck is going on here.
Well if I wasn’t all panicky than I am definitely all panicky now as I desperately try to grab a hold onto my glasses with those handles stubs I have now without breaking it, easier said than done when you have no hands and when your arms are shaking more violently than they would during a typical Japanese earthquake.
Against all impossibilities and the fact that all of my erratic movements were just wonderful for my already aching body, I finally managed to, by some miracle, place my glasses right there where they belong finally allowing me to fully see the world around me as sharp and crisp as a 4k TV.
The first thing I saw after slipping my glasses back over my eyes was obviously my surroundings. I could finally see that my earlier suspicions were indeed spot on as nothing but a dark, gloomy and overgrown forest graced my now crisp and clear vision with just a few light sources penetrating the thick canopy above.
What really was even more confusing and also a bit frightening is how…unreal everything looked…everything around me despite being dark and foggy where just so…unrealistically vibrant in colors. Something you would usually only see in cartoons or comics.
Another thing that automatically sets alarm bells off in my head where how familiar this all looked to me. I could have sworn that I have seen this art style before somewhere but I just cannot put my finger on it…if I still had fingers that is.
That last thought though immediately snapped me back to severity of my situation as my thought quickly went back towards my handles arms that I just discovered.
With great fear and dread I slowly began to move my arms upwards towards my field of vision so that I can finally have a good sharp look at them.
My heart immediately sank down into my knees at the realization that greeted me.
Not only where my hands completely gone but my whole arms looked different and strange as well.
I…I had hooves…hooves covered in what I can only tell was in some kind of really pale brown looking fur, in fact my whole arm was covered in fur from its tip all the way up to my shoulders.
Fur I swear I didn’t have just a few days ago let alone hooves in places where my hands should be.
I really started to panic now as I continued to stare blankly into my handles, fur covered arms, sweating and breathing heavily through my mouth as my heart was pounding rapidly against my chest.
Millions upon millions of thoughts raced through my mind trying to formulate some sort of explanation, some sort of logic in how this was scientifically possible.
I needed more…I needed to know more, just to be sure. I needed to know more to make sure that this wasn’t just some sick joke or hallucination.
Completely ignoring my body's protests I began for forcefully sit myself upright, keeping myself steady with my now not so normal looking arms as I started to inspect myself much closer.
What I saw immediately send shivers of shock through my spine as my eyes went wide in disbelief.
I was no longer human. The body I was born with, the body in which I grew up with, the body that I came to see in a mirror every day when going to take a shower was now completely gone. It had been replaced by an unrecognizable alien body that was covered in the same colored fur as my arms. My legs were no longer human legs but more like hind legs of that of a quadruped, ending in the same hoof covered in fur as my now so called arms. A long black silky tail tipped in crimson was visible from under me, and by looking and feeling around my back I even spotted what I could only guess where a pair of wings extending themselves right behind my shoulders, which pretty much solved the mystery I had earlier about the sensation of suddenly having extra limbs.
All of this realization combined and it was a miracle that I was still conscious and not about to just faint from shock.
“Ok…ok calm down…hyperventilating is not going to get you anywhere or solve your issues…just…just calm down…everything will be just fine and dandy.”
It was then during my attempts to calm myself down when a thought suddenly entered the chaos that was my current mind. A snap of realization as one particular memory suddenly surfaced. A Really crazy and impossible idea but I still needed to be 100% sure before I can confirm this idea I had in my head, but for that I needed to see my face first.
Observing my surrounding in hope to find something, anything that could help me give me a much better look of myself I managed to spot a small pond just a few meters away from me from where I was sitting.
“That’s convenient…at least that explains why this place would smell like wet grass.”
My mind was set, I needed to somehow get over there without killing myself as my body was still on the verge of shutting down on how sore and stiff it felt.
“Time to roll down the rock I suppose…this is going to suck I know it.”
With a heavy sight and a heavy grunt I slowly laid myself back down onto the rocky surface in an attempt to carefully roll myself of this somewhat large rock I was resting on.
With a small yelp I managed to not so gracefully roll myself of the edge only to land onto the equally rough surface of the forest floor below, head first and with a heavy grunt of pain at the end.
“For the love of…fuck…why does this has to be so difficult, first I get removed from my home, than I get transformed into…into this thing I am now with no memories and recollections of how, when, why, and now I get to enjoy the pain of hitting my head onto the ground and tasting forest floor dirt…why me, WHY?”
Pulling my head out from the ground and spitting out the dirt in my mouth with disgust I eventually started to crawl myself over towards the small pond by digging my…front hooves into the dirt and dragging myself forwards with great difficulty.
“Come one…just a…few…more…I swear…this better…be…worth…the effort…ohh my muscles…”
I eventually made it with a heavy sigh of relieve as I simply laid there for a few more moments to catch my breath and rest my aching arms and legs.
After a while I began to steel myself for what was to come, this was it, I would finally have a good front view look on what has become of me.
I closed my eyes as I pushed myself over the edges of the water. I let out a calming breath as I prepared myself.
I opened my eyes and time stopped. What I saw in front of me was…unbelievable, despite that something deep within my mind suddenly clicked as i continued to stare at my own reflection.
What stared back at me was not the face of a person but the face of what could only described as a pony.
A PONY at least that explains what I have been seeing under my vision this entire time...the…the edges of a snout…my snout.
Other features i could easily see was the long horn sticking out of my now long black hair with the right side of my bangs colored in red rather than jet black like the rest of my hair.
Thankfully though the only feature that still stayed the same to my old self in comparison to everything else where my dark brown eyes.
I remember now where I have seen all of this before…I remembered now what all of this is. The art style…the colors…my…new…form….
I immediately knew who I was and what I was and I just couldn’t believe it.
This realization was the final straw for me as I could no longer keep myself from fainting.
I quickly lost my strength as the world around me started to fade away.
Blackness filled my vision and I felt no more.
It was rather a relief, actually.
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I like this interesting story, probably some laughs and maybe jealousy on a couple of chapters to see. Looking forward to see how things turns out.
7347612 Glad you like it. But what do you mean by jealousy?
7347620 Just saying that a few mares including Cloudchaser, Flitter, Rainbow Dash, or any other might be interested with a human boy that turned into an alicorn. It could be a little tiny bit of romance and/or that mares would be jealous when one of the mares are going out with him. That's just my own theory if it does happen or not.
The alicorn oc is making me cautious but i will read this and judge later
Nice looking cover art none the less
7347633 Ah ok i see where your getting at. But almost all ponies (except for Flitter and cloudchaser...and maybe some elected few) dont know about him being an alicon less alone a human. For all he will appear as a normal unicorn because of his covered up wings and it will stay like this for a long majority of the fic.
And yes i like to think that he is (unknown to him) a super cute pretty boy in pony standard (because we all like to be handsome
) despite him being awkward in public.
7347647 Dont worry, i have no plans (or never had) in making him into a "Marry sue" Despite his outside appearance (that he tries to hide from everyone) he is just a normal guy, though somewhat awkward in public and a bit of a coward.
The reason why i made him into an alicorn is because of all the fun ideas i had that could be implemented with this. The whole trying to hide your outside appearance is one of them or spreading unintentional chaos in awkward situations.
I already have figured out all the reason onto why the main character is an alicorn. He is NOT becoming a "Oh i am better than everybody else" or "I am a god now" type character so you don't need to worry about that.
But again as you said you have to wait and see how it develops.
7347681
You blame 3 years of this site for me being a little wary but as i said, ill judge after work
7347659 Cool and I like to see of how long he'll be hiding his secret before any other ponies in public including the princesses find out. Could be also funny of seeing how many crazy random laugh there'll be and what lessons he'll learn in Equestria.
I...like it...for now, let's see you go from here.
7347893 Thanks for liking it ^^
Nice. Alicorn OC. Been a while since I've seen a story willing to use one. Not much I can fully judge off the first chapter, but the writing style feels fine so far. Here's to a new story.
7348020 Thank you. Half of the credit goes to my editor "WritenWord333" who also help me figure out future plot points for this story and also figure out a good idea why Nava is an Alicorn.
Chapter 2 to 5 are already finished and only need my editor to get off his butt. I am currently writing chapter 6.
Na, mal gucken was daraus wird. Immer gut aufpassen mit Alicorn OC's!
(Let's see where this goes, beware of Alicorn OC's, handle with care)
"alot"
This seems needlessly complicate.
"think of"
7348142 When du denkst das Nava zum "marry sue" wird dan muss ich dich enttäuschen.
Du kannst die anderen comments lesen fur mehr information.
Hmm...I usually avoid HiE fics like the plague
but this my friend has my attention thus tracking. 
His reaction was priceless! 
Also great start to the story it is very correct in the assumption of waking in a new and alien body unlike most HiE fics.
Although based on your description he won't be a Gary Stu but, be careful as not to overpower him.
If you're tying this fic w/ the main storyline try to make it subtle instead of making him the hero of the episode try to make him more subtle making waves instead of tsunamis.
I hope to see more soon!
Your Friendly Neighborhood Bat,
~Midnight "Beat" Gear
P.S - please don't call me "Middy"
P.P.S - love your writing style
This comment will sound largely negative and has proven to be extreemly long, but please bear in mind I say these things not out of spite, but with constructive criticism from mistakes I've made myself. In fact, I wouldn't mind trying to help you refine these shortcomings to help the story along. Furthermore I wish to clarify that I offer all advice with the knowledge I'm not the final athority on any of it—even though I may type it as if I were. Please bear that in mind as you read:
I looked at the plot, and despite the two to three stereotypes I've seen this story set itself up for (Alicorn OC, Human in Equestria/self insertion) the plot seems to be developing as solidly as anybody could fairly ask from a story using such tropes. Yes, I realize that was a bit of a kick 'em, kiss 'em, kick 'em. But I intend it with positiveness and I do wish to see where this story goes.
That said: You need a grammatical editor, badly. I myself have been rejected by Equestria Daily for grammatical errors, even after refining my story, and still had lots of people enjoy it. So don't feel too bad. Seeing other positive comments has got to say something about the story. But I came across many mistakes in this story's grammar and flow that I myself have done in the past. Now I'm not formally trained with creative writing, but to point out the mistakes I've made myself:
0) More of a footnote that needs said before we get into the rest: Artistic expression can override grammatical correctness and actually add more to a story than it takes away, but! If such exceptions are to be made, they must be made carefully, purposefully and cleanly. Otherwise they take away more than they add. Writing creatively often requires a careful Yin-Yang blend of following strict rules and making exceptions to said rules. Knowing what balance is needed comes with experience. I'm just sharing mine.
1) Staying consistent with past and present tense.
Granted, you aren't tripping over it nearly as much as I used to, and there are special exceptions to this, but as an example read this quote out loud with emphasis on the underlined word. Think about how it flows with the rest of the sentence:
It's the correct base word, but the wrong form. Little things like this can throw off some readers. (granted a lot of them would look at the self insert/human in Equestria trope and skip over the story, thus the lack of down votes. But that's their loss.) I think this is probably the phrasing that does what you were intending to do:
2) the over use of ellipses (...)
I can't give a single example in your story to prove the point, as it's not any one spot that this happens and it would be too long to explain it in text. So here's a video clip that can sum up what I'm trying to say:
Here's a spot where I think the ellipses are used correctly and can stay:
This correctly draws out the pause between the sentences to emphasize sluggishness. But try to ask yourself if other punctuation can do the trick to keep from watering the dramatic effect of the ellipses down with frequent use. Here's some examples:
The first one has two mistakes. When using one word at a time, 99% of the time it is sufficient to simply use a single period behind each word to show each being spoken in its own separate sentence. And the second is the ellipse at the end. I is completely unnecessary as the slowed flow has already been emphasized by the separately spoken words at the beginning, and by the extended vowel towards the end. (which is technically grammatically incorrect for formal writing like a report, but artistic expression can override grammar, so long as it is used sparingly and cleanly as I said before. So no foul on that bit.) Now if there was no indication of pause or slowing in the sentence before, but a pause is needed at the end and the end alone, then perhaps it would be appropriate.
The second one has no need either. A simple comma or period after the extended vowel is sufficient as stated before. Which one depends on how you wish to combine the next sentence to the ones around it. Any of the forms I give below should work, depending on what you are trying to emphasize. But commas are still something of a weak point of mine, so just read and consider them, then go with whatever your gut says.
The third is simply incorrectly used in its entirety, at least as far as I can tell. What I can see from the words surrounding it, you aren't trying to emphasize a pause in thoughts, but a quick interjection. I can think of at least two other forms of punctuation that are actually intended for this—one of which has a similar dramatic effect, if done in a similar sparing fashion. Here's how I would wright the exampled sentences:
And unless you are beginning a paragraph or quotation with the ellipse, give it the same spacing as a period would receive.
"...For example... This is is how an ellipse should be spaced." (Mind I double space between sentences, but others use single spacing. Either can be used, depending. I'm not 100% sure what the difference is, so just go with your own style on that point.)
3) Smaller items I'm sure you can catch, such as not capitalizing the word "I" all the time. I mean Still make similar Mistakes to this day.
4) Furthermore, the "when everything is emphasized, nothing is emphasized" rule can apply to your ALL CAPS technique. Now even though critics have told me to never, ever use all caps, and I would still strongly suggest considering it, I won't say it has to be done. Creative freedom can apply to that, even if some critics will stick up their noses. What I do suggest is that you use it sparingly and learn to use other, milder forms of emphasis such as bold, italics and exclamation points. (!, ?! and ...!?)
But even then use the "formal" emphasis techniques in moderation and once again the ALL CAPS technique extremely sparingly if at all. Let the simple flow and immersion of the story subtly take care of emphasizing the smaller items that only need a touch of emphasis.
But since I mentioned exclamation points, a few pointers their too. Not that I think you made mistakes, mind, just that they may help. (thus the lack of a number on this point) I used two different question mark/exclamation point combo in the prior paragraph's example, but I want you to know doesn't matter if the exclamation or question mark comes first in it. Just make sure whichever order you pick, that you stick to it. Keep the use of any punctuation consistent and don't try to take them to comical EXTREMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It loses its credibility as the more is used and reaches point of diminished returns very quickly. If used in even in slight excess, it wouldn't create an extreme reaction, but break immersion for the reader and actually cause less effective emphasis than what simpler forms would do. It also is a little similar to someone that yells/types louder than their opponent on a discussion board. It doesn't make them any more right. It just means they are making a fool of themselves and are either trolling or are being trolled.
So in short you typically want no more than one of any type of punctuation in a combo as a general rule of thumb. The rare exception may be had with a double, maybe, but it's best not to get into the habit. No "...!?!!...???" all together in one place either. It just confuses the reader.
Naturally, an ellipse is considered its own separate form of punctuation from the period, but be careful about bending the rules of its use past that. I could say that the proper form of the ellipse is exactly three periods, not four as I saw you use at least once. But I'd be a hypocrite not saying some artistic variation can be used for a specific needed effect, on rare occasion. I've purposely broken the rule at least once myself for said artistic variation. And the "???" ellipse variant is generally used more for illustration (pictures, comics, animation) than writing. So try to shy away from that too.
I hope this helps, and that it didn't just piss you off. I have seen you've done about as much writing as I have on this site, and I'm not sure how you will react to some stranger that is at most your peer at authorship nitpick your work.
Did it say if he was a mare or stallion? I didn't see.
You know what, sure, I'll try this
Usually MCs stepping into the world as alicorns annoy me, even more so when in the earlier years there was just so many, loaded with so much wish fulfillment that it hurts to even read story descriptions when they say 'And the mane 6 and princesses are my wives' *Cringes*
But
As much as I hate the premise, some authors have managed to write good stories with them. None were truly overpowered, they had to learn and grow to use their new body's gifts, the hardships that entail with such physique, be it socially and- though they want to avoid it- politically. And over time, after much growth and hardships, I can accept that they're suddenly needed to clash with titan-class threats like Tirek or some random inter-dimensional baddie.
So I'm going to read this, your MC has stated their intent, silently existing and aiming for minimal exposure. I will await the day when your MC has no choice when or how they're revealed, they're always dramatic.
7348300 The term "correct" in situation where one wakes up in an alien body or seeing aliens/being on an alien world is kinda absurd to me. Everyone is different, and they react to things differently (to a certain extend). There is no universal must be. As for Mary Sue...Sigh...This term used to mean something.
Overpowering an OC...depend on your meaning of overpowered. That he solves every issues with ease or he is supposely as powerful as any alicorns? that his power being absurdly low for being an alicorn Is the kind of thing that I called "trying too hard". Lack of control, I can accept. Lack in power when he is in the body of a supposely powerful being? No.
He is young, but he is still a alicorn so that should put him above the average unicorns in power level...Somewhere around Starlight Glimmer or Twilight.
Celestia and Luna both have at least centuries of experience and training to draw from. Their power level accumulate throughout the ages after the "upgrade" from normal ponies.
I do agree with not being "the hero" or "the star" (in their own stories I can accept)...We already have 6 of them...Don't need another one (Good writing skills and decent enough plot that diverse from canon at least somewhat can make it likable. Or at least, tolerable). Or being a bystander to be exact...I don't really want to rewatch the episodes "with added characters in the focus" .
7348349 Don't say you "don't intent" or "don't plan" for your characters to become something...That is like inviting Murphy to fuck up your stories in many ways.
7348360 Uhh...dude i am just writing a fic not a full blow novel or New York times bestseller. If i was i wouldn't even be here
Also yes your comment is super long. So long in fact that i cant read it all now because i have to go to be. I will read it in the morning.
7348362 Stallion. Will make it more apparent in future chapter, and maybe even making and uploading sketches of him. Very easy
7348349
Especially the ever stoic royal guard.
BTW whwhere did you get the art? I love it!
7348413 Oh i see. Well peoples constantly always imagine that an alicorn character will become overpower or someone who is perfect or sees himself to be better than everyone else, and i just want to disprove that.
I do understand that alicorn OC have a bad reputation because of that. But i just wanted to try out something new and different.
7348458 Made it myself. Still not finished.
7348460 It's when you keep repeating that mantra in your head, making you "try too hard" resulting in the sort of characters that people will hate because:
A: Too whinny.
B: Too weak or too "pacifist" (True pacifist is another story. Even though I dislike them, it is more a personal opinion...That, and said character is extremely hard to pull off when they play a big part in the story) and being walked on everytime by everyone not friendly. Like Fluttershy of season 1-4 actually. I don't mind such a character, but they need to move forward, need to have some character progression. I like Fluttershy during season 1-4 because she is adorable and has soothing voice...And that is the only thing that she got going for her. Her season 5 and 6 is a lot better.
C: Too stupid and or oblivious.
D: Incompetent.
E: Too flawed that he/she has no good and redeeming qualities, or any good and redeeming qualities are drown out by the bad ones.
F: Other reasons. A lot of reasons that come in from all spectrum of characterization.
Vagrant made a lot of good observations, but he missed one of the most important criticisms.
"Show, don't tell"
I won't regurgitate an entire creative writing lecture, so I'll put it this way:
Would you rather see a movie by sitting down, turning on a tv, and watching it like normal;
or by blindfolding yourself, muting the tv, and getting someone else there to watch it and tell you whats happening.
A little generic of a start but not a bad one.
I believe that you mean slipped
Don't care that it's a hie-fic, IMMA READ IT!!! (P.S. I love The cover art)
My only question is , is he near sighted or far sighted
7348482 Ok...I i said in the previous comments i already have everything planned out where i want this fic to go.
7348521 To be honest the best way i can learn is through constant exposure and over time. Like keep writing and writing and reading to get an idea in how i should write the next time.
These direct explanations just confuse me and intimidate me as well, but i do learn slowly over time.
7348725 Thanks for liking it.
7348965 Near sighted.
7349718 Ok, then.
When I look at the cover the OCs cute face and black mane with a red stipe in it instantly reminds me of Markiplier. I can't NOT read his lines in Marks voice after seeing the cover. It just fits too well.
7353063 Nerve though of that. But i created him long before mark even had colored hair so i was not copying his style. I can even prove it. I have a gallery at inkbunny.net i have a pic of him uploaded over 2 years ago. Back than he was called silver wing but i change it to Nava at some point.
https://inkbunny.net/submissionview.php?id=594492
7348360
That is a very nice and well considered set of criticisms. I wish more readers took the time to provide such guidance.
7354570
Huh... It was only me sharing my notes from my own mistakes, but it is nice to see some appreciate it. As I implied before, I'm not a proper editor or proofreader, but if you know someone that is lacking an editor and will take what they can get, or need someone to pre-screen the work to lighten the load on any proper editor/proofreader they already have, then I'd be willing to at least see what I can do for them.
I can't comment on the story direction so far save for I like transformations, but I will say the stylish cover art really sells the idea of it, especially since the author drew it. I will admit I am basically going to read the story on the cover art alone, when more of it is posted.
7353081 when do u think the next 1 will come out
because i love this story already!!!
7354825 When the next one has been edit, i don't trust myself to be able to find all the mistakes, so i need an outside source to help me with it. Also chapter 2 to 5 are already done. I am currently writing chapter 6.
7354783 Why would a bird be underground mining? A bird should be outside, free to fly through the open skies.
I like this :3
7355408
In case you honestly don't know, it's an expression, and kinda morbid at that. It's position has been used to name all kinds of things with concepts that are barely related, such as Warrant Canaries. The image is just a cute layer to a morbid concept.
7355659 Ooh a cute little Fennekin likes my story. ^^
7355402 screw mistakes just post em already
