• Member Since 24th Jun, 2019
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

The FraudulentBrit


Amateur author with a passion for character driven stories

T

After being exposed as the ring leader of Anon-A-Miss, Apple Bloom is "Banished" to the town of Allspark Wells. There she will live with her honorary "Uncle" Ironhide and his friends as she comes to terms with what she's done and rebuilds her life. As she gains new friends, Apple Bloom begins to realize that despite what she's done, she has a place to call home. After all, Allspark Wells is the place "where new futures are forged."

This story is written with the implication it is set in author SunnyDays’s “clipperverse,” and though not officially part of their universe, it is made with their permission.

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 60 )

“So, what’s he like?” Apple Bloom finally asked, hoping to finally break the silence. “What?” Applejack asked. “Uncle Ironhide.” Apple Bloom replied. “What’s he like?” Applejack answered, “For one thing, he’s not quite family. In truth, he’s an old friend of dad, or at least he was until he joined the army.” “Eeyup.” Big Mac added. “Well, in reality they had a bit of a fallin’ out, but they still remained friends.” Applejack then continued, “And he promised a favor to us the last time he was in town.” She then turned to her younger sister, her face betraying her annoyance. “And now Ah have to call that favor in.” Apple Bloom gulped as she looked down in shame.

New speaker, new paragraph. You have three characters speaking in the same paragraph, which makes it very hard to figure out who is speaking when.

10130658
Thanks for the advice. I’ll make sure to divide paragraphs based on speakers in the future.

10130695
No problem. Otherwise, good start. You've avoided the other sin of amateur writers, which is the dreaded tense swap.

did you base some of the names off of transformers?

10131007
Yup. And personality traits as well. If I may include a spoiler, I have plans for an EG version of Shockwave

100 views in less than 24 hours. Just... wow. Thanks everybody

Pretty ticked at Apple Jack. I mean yes AppleBloom and the other two did something really bad. But AppleJack choose to fall for it so easily,m choose to throw away her friendship with Sunset away so easily.

She just putting her screw up on to AppleBloom rather then face her own faults.
Thou i do agree it was better Bloom head out of town for a bit.

also seem the CMC have broken up maybe for good. ouch.

10134179
Both points will eventually be addressed.

10134179
The bit about Wales is a reference to a story I have in the planning stages.

10134210
I thought you’d like it. 😉

10134210
as in Wales, England, wow, that's very far away

10134365
Indeed. I live in the Midlands.

OK, no offense to your writing style, but having two or more people's dialogue in a single paragraph makes it a bit hard for me to read, sorry.

Apple Bloom’s sorrow turned to anger. “You JERK!” Apple Bloom shouted as she stomped over to Wheeljack. “You ruined my life!” She shouted again. Wheeljack tried to defend himself, saying, “Hey, it’s not my fault you somehow got your principal’s bail post!” Ironhide then stepped in between the two and said, “That’s enough!” He first faced Apple Bloom and said, “I’m sorry about Wheeljack gabbing, but he does have a point.” As Apple Bloom sighed in resignation as she looked away in shame, Ironhide faced Wheeljack as he continued, “But that doesn’t excuse you for stabbing her in the back!”

This and many other paragraphs could be done like this:

Apple Bloom’s sorrow turned to anger.

“You JERK!” Apple Bloom shouted as she stomped over to Wheeljack. “You ruined my life!” She shouted again.

Wheeljack tried to defend himself, saying, “Hey, it’s not my fault you somehow got your principal’s bail post!”

Ironhide then stepped in between the two and said, “That’s enough!” He first faced Apple Bloom and said, “I’m sorry about Wheeljack gabbing, but he does have a point.” As Apple Bloom sighed in resignation as she looked away in shame, Ironhide faced Wheeljack as he continued, “But that doesn’t excuse you for stabbing her in the back!”

10135293
Thanks for the advice. Guess it’s a habit of the old rule of avoiding short paragraphs and trying to write longer conversations with multiple people

10135373

I think long paragraphs only apply if it's a narrative. When it comes to dialogue, it's actually less cluttered if each line is it's own line.

10135376
Either way thanks for the advice.

10135378

I only give advice if I enjoy a story. This story's got potential so it needs good presentation.

10135386
I’m happy you enjoy my work. I’ll try to apply your advice into the next chapter.

10135427

You could revise the previous chapters too.

10137532
As I’m busy with other projects and life I’m general, don’t expect re writes or massive edits too soon.

Behind the scenes:
I toyed with the idea of a “liar revealed” arc, but I felt it was too cliched (and it’s a trope I don’t really like), so I decided to invert it and just have everyone in town find out almost instantly.

1. May I suggest putting up a other character and/or oc tag for the other characters in this story.
2. Is the someone familiar the guy at the sound wave shop?

10156733
I plan on adding his tag when the next chapter is published
And it’s not soundwave.

10156745
And it’s not a transformer character.

nice chapter! its always a treat to read this story :D

Oh that was a treat!
It was cute and wholesome just what I needed to start the day off with!

10180834
You’re most welcome. I do confess to being a sucker for tender bloom

Hey everybody, I was just wondering who has been your favorite character so far? I’m curious how to know and may give the most popular more page time (except apple bloom, she’s the central character). 😉

Pisses me off Tende rTaps got expelled and Garble didn't. most sachools don;t do anything about the bullying till it's too late, and the expelled the one who fought back.

This is a nice chapter and love how bloom got help. But I tell you one thing this lesson needs to be taught to the Rainbooms as well.
They jumping to thinking Sunset was guilty and abandoning her, they seem to be blaming the CMC partly for Sunset not wanting to be around them.

Yes they had a hand in it, but guess what it more their own fault, as they choose to jump to the idea Sunset was guilty despite everything.
They betrayed her in the worst possible way.

10204719
I know. The rainbooms, especially applejack, will learn their lesson soon enough.

I can't wait for the other girls to get a bite of reality.
Though now I'm wondering what's going on with scoots and sweetie

10204952
All good things to those who wait 😉

is marble pie going to make a return?

10229291
judging by the lack of tag im betting its a no😈

10229300
To be fair, I do plan to bring marble back, I just don’t quite know how..... yet.

10229456
Well played. Though I don’t think character inclusion is TOO much of a spoiler.

10229492
is this going to be a who ever has last word wins thing?

10229526
Honestly I just like interacting with people so........
Idunno.

The other CMCs are going to be jelly when they find out about Apple Bloom having a new best friend lol.

Ha! I love sideswipe
Great chapter can't wait for the next one!

10253647
Happy you like her. She’s one of my favorites to write

All I can say for the next chapter;

RBFR

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