• Member Since 26th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Monday


I've been creeping around this site for years. You just didn't know it.


A human living in Canterlot castle is given to Queen Chrysalis as part of peace negotiations between Equestria and the Hive. Celestia knew she shouldn't have let Luna finish the negotiations herself.

Cover art by jalm on Derpibooru.

Featured on 4/22/20. Thanks guys!

Now with audio readings by StraightToThePointStudio up to chapter 3! Go check them out.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
(As of 5/22/21 these audio readings are outdated due to my conversion from 1st to 3rd person. They are still good to listen to though.)

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 438 )

Fun little read so far. I'm interested to see where it goes.

Intriguing. You have my attention.

Now this is an interesting story.

*Book to the head*
"And that's how I met your mother"

he does not give a fuck

. I actually got this all written down in a single sitting. I hope that starts to happen more often!

Same! Because God do I need more of this! XD

cant blame him

This is a good beginning:eeyup:

I immediately like the reasonable and polite human perspective and reactions here.

Chrysalis probably needs hugs after this. She just won't admit it.

What a chill protagonist. A good change of tone from most HiE's

I love how laid back the human is.

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Thanks! I'm glad you like it. Second chapter is written, but I want to give myself a buffer zone before posting.

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I'm really happy that came across to the reader. Trying to portray the protagonist as super chill was something I really wanted here.

Well written, and this seems like a new premise. Looking forward to more.

Remarkably unconcerned about the tribute thing.

I wonder where it says in equestrian law that the princess’s can give away subjects (if he even is a legal citizen) to foreign dignitaries without their consent.


Yeah, pretty sure that is considered slavery.

And I enjoyed this and want more.

MODERN Equestrian law it probably doesn't... Equestrian law from 1000 years ago... when the Sisters may have been closer to absolute monarchs... who in human history have many precedents of giving a subject to a foreign ruler/court to finalize/stabilize a peace treaty? It was probably just Tuesday.


give myself a buffer zone before posting.

Thank Christ! I can't tell you how many authors I wish used this method of writing. It makes it so much easier to post and allows the author to look over their older chapters to see if there's something they missed back then.

I eagerly await Chapter 2.

Also, how big of a buffer zone are you using? I have a buffer of ten and post a new chapter whenever I hit eleven.

This seems fun, can't wait for more


No doubt filed into the "worry about it later" bin that many people have and use profusely. I myself have quite the collection of them, ranging from "Future [name] problem" to "habitual procrastination" and of course "don't have any more bucks to give".

This... is going to be great. Chrysalis expects violence and protests and resistance -- and instead she's greeted with a calm. relaxed, chill human. She'll get angry and frustrated that he's not acting the way she expects, and he'll probably be able to soothe it all away, which will make her even more frustrated... until she finds that she likes it. Until she finds that she can just... talk to him, vent at him, rage at him, and he's still super chill... and eventually his state starts to rub off on her...

Ya know what, I love this chill style protagonist. Waiting for more :D

Yep, much to Chryssi's disappointment and annoyance. I have to wonder what Luna's deal is, though.

I'm not sure how big a buffer zone. I hope it's only a few days. I'm a slow writer as is, and between work and online classes my schedule is a little scuffed right now.

When no other ideas struck me, I did the first thing that came to mind. I went over to the bed and pulled back the comforter. I quickly scooped her up and laid her out on the bed and adjusted her to a position that I thought looked comfortable before pulling the comforter back over her. I grabbed the book off the desk and flipped the light switch before closing the door and heading back to my usual room. Making sure the door was locked and the desk was pushed in front of the entrance for good measure, I once again placed the book on the desk and climbed into bed myself. I'd done enough reading for one day.

Niche job Agent 69, You've officially became a Hitman for Canterlot

Knocked out from a single book throw. So, Chrysalis' weak point is the front of her face. Good to know.

Ahh, this is going to be one of those timeless tales of heartless-to-heart romance, isn't it? :trollestia::rainbowlaugh:

Wonderful! Will be looking forward to more!

... and I can't fathom the reason Luna doesn't like our nameless protagonist.

You know you're in for a beautiful friendship when one of the two parties assaults the other with a book to the face.

Also, Lulu, what's the big idea selling off unnamed human to Chryssie?

Everyone's asking why Luna dislikes our protagonist, so here's my guess.
Our man, being as chill as he is, simply doesn't mix well with this author's version of Luna. She, being from olden time AND guardian of the night, is a mare of action, chivalry, and impulse, while Chill McVibin' over here completely takes the wind out of her sails with logic and simplicity whenever she starts her monologue/call to action.

"Yes! We shall make haste and conquer the Changlings! While at their weakest, We can exploit their vulnerabilities!" - Princess Luna, probably

"Umm... What if we just, I don't know, made sure all parties took responsible for any damages done and then help them integrate? Y'know, to prevent this from happening again." - Chill McVibin', probably

Doesn't really explain why she'd sell him off, if the description is anything to go by.

One would think the reasoning behind Luna giving him to Chrysalis would be logical...maybe she beilves he can negotiate a better treaty from withtin?

Okay, so the story description said Luna gave him away
Though following the story through MC's eyes, this was done in privately, and with no notice or consent

Is that even legal or did Luna do this behind Celestia's back?
Cause it doesn't seem good for Equestria's political image if other nations learned that they gave away another being like property

I get the feeling Luna doesn’t like Celestia being friends with him. She either is worried about romantic stuff, thinks he’s “unworthy” to be so close to royalty since he’s basically a refugee, or some other thing. She probably just wants him gone.

While I will neither confirm nor deny whether this is the case, I very much like your theory. Also, Chill McVibin' is an amazing name and I'm stealing it to refer to the protagonist until he is named. Too bad Nameless Protagonist becomes Named Protagonist in Book to the Head Part 2: Electric Scootaloo. (chapter 2)

Part of your question is answered in chapter 2. The reason why Chill McVibin' was sold off won't be revealed in chapter 2, but probably chapter 3 when I get time to write it.

Hm, this certainly is quite interesting. I'll be keeping an eye on this one for sure. Chrysalis is my favourite character, so win win for me.

Also, heyo, Hotel. Didn't expect to see you here. Hope your Skeletor story is doing well. I need to catch up on it some time.


Human uses "book to the face" on Chrysalis. It's super effective!


Doesn't really explain why she'd sell him off

"What?" Luna's eyes raised in askance at her sister's expression of disbelief. "The law book Thou asked Us to read very clearly stated that for any contract to be considered legal in this modern era, proper consideration must be exchanged in the form of coin, service, or chattle."

"Yes," Celestia nodded. "And the tradtional consideration in a case such as this would be a single gold bit, perhaps delivered on velvet in a commemorative frame signifying the significance of the event."

"We fail to see the issue with this," Luna shrugged. "Instead of coin, We simply delivered chattle, as the law stated was a valid option."

"Yes, Luna," Celestia's voice rose, if only so slightly. "Chattle, as in possessions. Belongings. Objects of value. A vase, a sword...a tapestry depicting the two rulers peacefully signing the accord. Sentient beings have not been considered property in over 800 years."

"Dost Thou mean to tell Us," Luna's eyes widened. "That ponies do not own slaves anymore?"


"Then what of the maid who tidied Our bed this morning?" Luna countered. "Or Thy chef? Are they not Our servants?"

"We pay them, Luna." Celestia sighed. "They work for us willingly and they are free to leave at any time. Slavery was abolished ages ago. Today we live in Harmony with our neighbors, and they with us. Friendship did away with all the horrors of the past."

"How curious," Luna considered, then paused. "Would now be a bad time to mention the dozen griffons I ordered to be delivered to the mines beneath Canterlot?"

Celestia facehooved.


The simplest explanation might be that Luna offered the human's help in some capacity, Luna bungled the delivery, and now Chrysalis mistakenly assumes she owns him.

My guess? Luna might a mare of the old ways, but she's got an expensive modern habit in that coffee addiction. And Donut Joe is cutting her off until she pays her tab :rainbowlaugh:. So she sells off Anon to the changelings, which is a win/win in her book.

This is funniest thing I've read all day.

So he's been sold off as a slave as part of a peace agreement? That all just says both sides are idiots who cannot be trusted. For one, ponies and changelings both consider other species as chattel so neither can truly trust the other. The human cannot trust either side as they have stripped him of all rights and dignity, and as the ponies have enslaved and sold someone who isn't owned by them nor q subject who has commited no crime it says the ponies are evil. Plus the leaders of the ponies and changelings enslaving a citizen of a foriegn country like that is basically declaring yourself at war with another country for no reason, which is outright stupid.

The fact that there is the Romance Tag on this story is the reason why, at this time, I have to downvote it. With how its going this says that the protagonist will be bullied into being the love slave of Chrysalis and it will portray this as a voluntary positive thing when it will actually be degrading.

Thanks for letting me know why you downvoted.

This is not meant to be that serious of a story. I don't plan to get super far into the political and moral ramifications of the protagonist being sold off. Barely anything has happened yet besides introducing a couple characters. The romance tag will come into play a bit later, these things take time.

I would be happy if you read chapter 2 when it comes out. It doesn't give the reasons for the protagonist's selling, but it does give a lot of insight about what's going on. I understand if you choose not to though and thanks for giving my story a try.

Edit: I also don't plan to have the characters get into some kind of abusive relationship. I'm not into that kind of thing. No love slave dynamic to be had here.


10197248 I'm guessing it's that. She doesn't get enough time with her sister as is, based on thier schedules, and then Human McHumanson cuts into that.

I have to agree that it's something vile and not something canon Luna would do, since I'm fairly certain even back in the time of the Founders there was never actual slavery, though I still think ther's something screwy about the Hearth's Warming Story, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was something like serfdom going on with the Earth ponies.

However, as this is supposed to be comedy, I'll see where it goes. If it's like Arranaged Disaster by Peroth E, where everyone reacts to Twilight being effectively forced into marriage against her will with Prince Blueblood because Duke Blueblood got Nightlight drunk and got him to sign a marriage contract, and then everyone goes, okay, fine, let's have a wedding, then I will drop this. The annoying thing was that was just supposed to be the set up for the actual story, which involved sending them both to some border land to set up a new kingdom, and it never actually happened.

Imagine coming back from a thousand year banishment, and your most important pony won’t shut up about a trans-dimensional monkey.

Yeah, I’d trade him off too.

And hype up his prowess to a species that consumes love.

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