• Member Since 26th Aug, 2013
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I've been creeping around this site for years. You just didn't know it.


This is for any other poor sap that finds themselves stranded in the kingdom of Equestria with no way to get back to Earth. A guide on the dos and don'ts of living in Equestrian society. Follow our advise carefully, and you may just survive.

Or don't! Whatever works for you.


The chapters of this story are not in any particular order. Each new chapter is whatever subject I felt like writing about at the time, so there probably won't be consistent flow between them.

Featured on March 4th, 2020. Two features at the same time! WOOH!

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 122 )

Haha! I enjoy this concept. a Survival guide.

Golden Rule 1: Do whatever you want, so long as you don't get caught.

You may have forgotten to remind the Humans to have their towels with them unless they hare given out upon one's arrival in Equestria.

Celestia, I didn't steal your cake! What do you mean I have frosting on my face? Pics or it didn't happen.

This will work since I can't find a copy of the actual Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy anywhere...

Well, this looks promising :trollestia:

I'm about 90% sure you already planned for It, but one (or more) of the chapters MUST be dedicated exclussively to the concept of "It's Pinkie Pie, don't question It"

You know? I somehow hadn't thought of that. Good suggestion.

I’m looking forward to the chapter on dealing with near death experiences.

"Ponies are essentially made of rubber. Therefore, their ideas on safety regulations tend to be a bit...lax by human standards."

No other race on Equus can perform magic either

A bit too broad a statement. I'm fairly sure Zebras have some magic, if of a subtle sort, Zecora actually says something on those lines in the "Magical Duel" episode, Gryphons can do the "standing on clouds" thing, and Dragons can do various pretty magical things with their fire. Changelings definitely have their own magic, as do Deer, but I suppose deer can be put out of bounds as a comics-only species. Sirens may or not exist anymore.

Well in overall it looks promising enough. Looking forward to see the chapter dealing with food and human need for meat.

As a rule of thumb, any mythological creature you can think of probably exists here, and there's about a 50/50 shot that it can hold an intelligent conversation with you.

Also cows. You can have an interesting conversation with cow.
And then you can not stop thinking about it while you eat meat...
Ehh... Maybe it is not a bad idea to not think about it.

10115148 Or you can name the cow 'Clarice' and talk about eating its liver with fava beans and a nice chianti *gnash gnash gnash* :pinkiecrazy:

I think this is one of those "some species have special abilities, but aren't actively using magic to use them" situations.
Pegasi and flight, for one, while boosted (or even enabled, considering their wingspan vs body size) by magic, is not active use of magic.

When it comes to Equestria, "Don't think about it" is good advice for the stupid and the average.

"Social Norms and Publicly Appropriate Behavior" not enough stories focus on proper/acceptable social conduct with ponies, especially since 'horse' might actually be considered an insult.

Having a good connection with Fluttershy could help, she does have a bear friend, and bears are known to eat fish, so aquatic life might not count as sentient (haven't seen the MLP Movie yet), nor are pigs or chickens (Fluttershy and AJ respectfully have a few in pens). Chicken and pigs could still be 'smart' like how Angel Bunny is 'smart', no actual language, but intelegent enough to actively responded with ponies around them.

Which begs the question: why cows get to be so special?

Yes, this is basically what I was going for. I couldn't think of a good way to say that, but now I don't have to. I might go back in and edit that bit to try and convey that better.

Cute story with some great potential! It does remind me of TooShyShy's Lyra's Guide To Conspiracies and Secrets in a very positive light. One error, if I may point it out:

You’re not in Kansas anymore kid.

(Missing comma)

Great work! I look forward to the next update!!

I am so in love with this so far, eagerly waiting for more :pinkiehappy:

So is the Crystal Pony bit mostly tied to Sombra or is there another reason he is fond of them?

He doesn't have a particular liking for crystal ponies. He's just pointing out that they've been through some shit, and they don't need someone adding to what they've already been through.

So later do we find a update chapter on Twilight and Flurry Heart? Like be aware Twilight is a genius and terribly curious and will experiment on you if your not careful and Flurry is a adorable bringer of doom?
Also I expect Pinkie if not all of Ponyville to get a section as it is the hub of crazy in Equestia and it's locals aren't "normal" ponies?

This is meant to be a "book" style thing. It's meant to be read like this is already a finished product. In reality, I will probably update chapters and the info in them as I see the need, but "in universe" there are no edits to be made.

You could always do a sequel in the style of a supplemental volume. Though yea the Elements ought to get their own sections, being national heros and examples of "freakishly over powered" in some cases.

book is not written in brail.


along with Princess Cadence and some others,

are free again and Cadence rules


society could fall apart at the seems.


happened to them and Cadence is too young

Moon. Cadence has a strong connection to


Unicorns are the most likely to go evil and have a tendency towards going power mad when they get too full of themselves, when this happens a unicorn will have a larger tendency towards using mind control or just brute forcing things to get their way. (See Starlight Glimmer, Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Trixie Lulamoon and Sombra.)

Pegasi are more clever about being evil. (IE Wind Rider framing someone for a crime, Fluttershy stealing a bite of cake without paying for it and Cozy Glow... just Cozy Glow.)

As such earth ponies are much safer when it comes to evil tendencies, for they will always let you know when they are angry and are more open about their emotions. Be wary if an earth pony calls a feud with you though, they will fight you until the end of time.

Changelings are technically a pony race, they come in two flavors, regular pokemon and colorful shiny.

If you don't think Twilight Sparkle has tried mind control, you need to be reminded of the 'want-it need-it' incident, there's also the 'reformation spell' she was going to use on Discord which is basically mind control to stop him from being himself. Need everyone be reminded that if Twilight had succeeded in using said spell, she would have essentially killed Discord as being anything close to approaching normal will make him cease to exist completely.

You should mention pegasi' s weather control abilities, also I kinda disagree on the "They almost all have a green thumb" for earth ponies, even as a generalization there are too many exceptions for it to be true (Filthy Rich, Cheerille, nurse Redhearth, Bon Bon, all the Pie family, etc). A better generalization would be that all Earth ponies have some kind of connection with the earth and making things grow, (be it apples, businesses or students). There are still exceptions but it is closer to the truth.

I want the beasties and plants in the everfree to be covered

Lots of good points here. I thought of adding changelings to the list, but I consider them to be a separate species, rather than a subrace of ponies. I plan to do a chapter on the other species on Equus later and was going to add changelings there.

Good point here too. I should definitely have mentioned weather control, especially since I mentioned the green thumbs. I'll probably change that sometime today.

Fixed! Thanks for pointing these out.

Hilarious so far. Keep it coming.

Another thing to keep in mind for earth ponies: Pinkie's family grow rocks on their rock farm--lithorally! After all, where do folks think all those crystals that dragons eat come from? And hills and mountains? :pinkiehappy:
You know... maybe folk are better off NOT asking about any of that--it's Pinkie and her family, after all. :facehoof:

Except Holder's Bolder--that is NOT a rock! That is a dragon's egg... and somewhere in the world is the momma dragon that laid it and she's STILL! LOOKING! FOR! HER! CHILD!! And one of these days, momma's gonna find it.... :twilightoops:

If you have any questions that are not answered by reading this book, ask Princess Luna. She should be the one who handed you this book in the first place, and she is the only pony allowed to read what is written here for many reasons. Some reasons include that she was a great ally in researching the information here, and that other ponies may be offended greatly by what is written within these pages. Luna is an honorary Bro and you should make friends with her as soon as possible. Also, you can think of Luna like a tutorial level if you feel that you need to test any of the knowledge in this book.

That said, under absolutely NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to allow this manual to be seen by Princess Celestia!
Burn it if you can. Eat it if you must.
Preferably, burn it AND eat it, just to be safe.
You most assuredly DO NOT want to know what Celestia will do if she finds out about the material within this survival guide!!

Make a chapter with the elements of harmony with just a page dedicated to pinkie pie and her antics

Fun concept. I look forward to seeing what else you do with it. (And I can only imagine the equivalent of Mr. Welch's List.)

Laughing so hard at this! :rainbowlaugh:

But one minor thing...

If you want to make friends, get a least a few of these guys in your possy .

The word is spelled “posse”.

10117016 Yeah, that's a word you don't want to misspell.

"I'm not talking about good ol' slight of hand either." Should be 'sleight'.

Interesting so far, I'mma keep reading.

This looks really cool.



I was gonna edit the last post once you fixed the mistake, but thanks to Georg, well... it’s like he said: it’s a word you don’t wanna misspell.

Because one can even mishear it too, hehe :trollestia:

I could see Celestia setting this on fire if she ever gets to read it. That probably amuses Luna quite a bit.

Be fun to have an appendix of sample insults, with a subsection devoted wholly to Blueblood.

I am self-obligated to be offended on behalf of nice unicorns, so, uh, I'm offended.

Smug nobles can stick it up where Celestia can't see, though. :moustache:

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