Human's Guide to Surviving Equestria

by setablaze53

Chapter 2: Pony Races

As you may or may not have noticed by now, there is more than one race of pony walking around. This chapter will give basic knowledge on all races that we can find info on.

As a general rule of thumb, you can basically continue with the mindset that ponies are just talking animals. Don’t get the wrong idea, they have their own ideas and culture. What I mean is that they have many similarities to what we would consider animals back on Earth. For example, like Earth horses, ponies have a group mentality and can startle easily. We’ll get more into pony psychology later. Just keep in mind that while you should treat them like animals, don’t treat them like thoughtless animals. Now, let’s get back to learning about ponies.

If you haven’t noticed already that ponies as a species are heart-stoppingly cute, you should either open your eyes or stop reading this because you are blind and this book is not written in braille.

There are three main categories of pony race you should be aware of. Those three are unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies. Unicorns and pegasi are exactly what they sound like. If you know any mythology at all, you will have some idea of what you’re dealing with. Earth ponies are a little more mundane, but no less interesting. While there are other races of pony, most of them tend to be subcategories for the big three.

We’ll start with the most basic race. Earth ponies will probably be fairly confusing to you, if only due to their name. Obviously, they are not from our home world. The “earth” in their name is referring to the ground or dirt. (As a side note, never call an earth pony a “dirt pony” unless you feel like getting punted across a field.) Earth ponies are the most tame of the races appearance wise and are the closest thing you will get to a horse from back home. They are ridiculously strong physically and make up most of the agricultural base of society here in Equestria, and they are damn proud of it. Many of them have a green thumb, or hoof in their case, and can grow just about anything if given time and the right equipment. This is due to them having a passive form of magic that gives them a connection with the earth around them.

Pegasi are exactly what you think they are. Ponies with wings. You might notice how small their wings are. If you found an Equestrian pegasus on Earth they wouldn’t be able to fly, but don’t tell them that. Wing size is a sensitive subject to pegasi. Here though, they have magic to help keep them aloft. If you decide to make friends with a pegasus, just be prepared to have your personal space violated fairly often. They don't mean anything by it, it's just how they were raised. If they get a little too close for your liking, just ask them to back off and you should be good. Most pegasi that spend lots of time on the ground tend to try and break that habit, but those that live in cloud cities (we'll get more into that later) have a harder time controlling themselves. While I personally don't like having a pegasus floating in my face, I do get a kick out of how embarrassed they get when they realize what they're doing. Pegasi, like earth ponies, have a passive form of magic. Unlike earth ponies though, a pegasus has a connection to the sky. This magic allows them to be able to physically touch clouds and even control the weather.

Unicorns are earth ponies with horns. Don’t say that out loud unless you feel like getting stabbed, but it’s true. If you live anywhere near the princesses, these guys will be the majority of those around you. They lack the physical strength and green thumbs of earth ponies, but have magic instead. This is absolutely my biased opinion, but unicorns are like those guys that put brass ballsacks on the hitch of their pickups. The owner thinks they’re cool, but everyone else knows they’re just overcompensating for something. Unicorns rely on their magic more than teen girls from Earth rely on pumpkin spice. They use it for everything. I can’t exactly blame them for it though, I’d hate not having hands too (picking everything up with your mouth isn’t an appealing thought). This would all be fine and dandy if they understood that magic didn’t make them special. The reason most nobles are unicorns is because they annoyed everyone else out of the competition. They think they’re better than the other races (hence why “dirt pony” is a derogatory term). In gamer terms, these guys think they are the PC master race, when in reality they are just six year old squeakers screaming profanities through their Xbox mic on CoD. Unicorn supremacy aside, let’s move on to mine and Jay’s favorite race.

These guys are walking badasses. They look like someone crossbred a pegasus with a bat (or dragon). The vampires of this world were inspired by the appearance of thestrals. It is due to this inspiration that many non-thestrals run at the sight of one. There aren’t many of them and they tend to be a bit reclusive, so they’re rare to find outside the capital. While most ponies are technically omnivorous, they wouldn’t eat meat if their lives depended on it. Thestrals, on the other hand, eat meat on a regular basis. If you asked one to catch you something while they were out hunting, they’d probably do it. I recommend eating with these guys whenever you possibly can. It’s nice to be able to eat a ham and cheese sandwich and not have the rest of the room run away in a panic. They are the only predator species of pony that are known. Due to their predator status, they make the best fighters Equestria has to offer. Most of the elite guard is made up of thestrals, but some of them are disguised as other races so as to not scare others and so the nobles think they actually have a fighting chance in hell. Don’t let any of this discourage you though. Even with the stigma around them, thestrals have had the best track record of any pony race I’ve met when it comes to kindness and reliability, and their loyalty is nigh unwavering. In this world, thestrals are truly a man’s best friend. If you want to make friends, get a least a few of these guys in your posse. Luna might be willing to lend you some of her night guards if you ask nicely.

We actually don’t know much about these guys other than that they exist. Jay wanted it stated that one of his friend’s uncle’s great great granddad’s fourth cousin saw one once, so there’s your proof. Oh yeah, they live in the sea (if that wasn’t already obvious).

If you come across one of these guys, be respectful. It doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive, if I find out you're messing with a crystal pony, I'll send Jay your way. And noone wants that. (If you're curious about why you don't want this, ask Luna about the Cheese Wheel Incident. She probably won't explain anything, but the thousand yard stare she gives you should be all the evidence you need.)

Crystal ponies are ponies with a unique trait that makes them look like they are made of pure crystal. These guys have had it rough. They mostly stick around the Crystal Empire to the distant north of Equestria. They are a much older race than many realize and their history goes a little something like this. They once ran a prosperous kingdom to the north, and were great allies with Equestria. One day a powerful unicorn wielding extremely dark magic killed the current ruler and usurped the throne. This douche-nozzle's name was Sombra, and he was sort of like the pony equivalent of Hitler. (Actually, Stalin might be a better comparison.) He forced the entire kingdom, and therefore the entire crystal pony race, into slavery and forced them to work in his crystal mines. Celestia and Luna fought the bastard, but in a last ditch effort to save himself Sombra banished the Crystal Empire, everyone in it included, to the shadow realm. (That's not actually what it's called, but I like to think of it that way.) It reappeared a millennia later and the Elements of Harmony (more on these later), along with Princess Cadance and some others, managed to retake the Empire and destroy Sombra. The crystal ponies are free again and Cadance rules over the Empire now.

Alicorns are the linchpins of Equestrian society. They are cultural icons, and without them it seems quite possible that Equestrian society could fall apart at the seams. To outsiders, that may seem like a blatant weakness for any enemy to exploit. Don't be fooled though. Alicorns are essentially demigods. They live for so long that there is no record of an alicorn dying of natural causes. In fact, there is no recorded case of an alicorn dying period. There are currently only three of them in existence, and they are all rulers. There apparently used to be more of them, but Celestia and Luna don't talk about what happened to them and Cadance is too young to know. Alicorns are what happen when you combine the big three and jack them full of steroids. They have earth pony strength, pegasus wings, and unicorn horns. Each one has a strong connection to a very specialized form of magic that tends to be unique to them. Celestia has a unique connection to the sun. Luna has a unique connection to the Moon. Cadance has a strong connection to love of all things. While they may be terrifyingly powerful, don't be scared of them. They are known for their kindness and benevolence (thank god for that).

That should wrap up what Jay and I currently know about the different pony races. There may be more, but we just don't know what they are at this time.