Chapter 4: Living in the Castle
Chapter 4: Living in the Castle
Chances are you'll need a place to stay during your terminal visit to Equestria. It wouldn't surprise me if the princesses have already offered to let you stay in Canterlot Castle. I would highly recommend taking this offer for many reasons.
1. You get to live in a fucking castle!
2. Taking the offer will make this book much more relevant to you. Jay and I took the offer and this book is based off of our experiences.
3. I can assure you that the company of the princesses will be a boon to your mental health just as your company will be a boon to theirs. (They're kinda lonely. It's hard to make friends when everyone you know worships you like gods.)
4. You get to live in a fucking castle!
There is also a small chance that Celestia offered to set a place up for you in Ponyville. If this is the case, tell her to take that offer and shove it where her cutie mark don't shine. Trust me, you don't want to live in Ponyville, no matter how much Celestia tries to convince you it's a nice place. (We'll get to Ponyville later.)
Assuming you have accepted to stay in the castle, this chapter will help acclimate you to living with royalty.
Section 1: Getting Used to the Castle Itself
As you might have realized, Canterlot Castle is a big place. It's labyrinthine halls are easy to get lost in. I once took a walk through a less crowded part of the castle to clear my mind and found myself three stories above where I started without taking any stairs. I think there are enchantments scattered around to confuse intruders, but I can't be sure because anytime I ask about it Luna just gives me a knowing smirk and ignores the question.
Fine, keep your secrets horse lady.
I'm almost certain that's the case though, because if you ask a guard or maid to take you anywhere you'll be there in no time. It probably has something to do with their uniforms.
The point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't be stubborn about asking for directions unless you have five hours to kill and don't actually want to get where you're going.
Section 2: Guards
Of course, living with the rulers of a nation comes with the benefit of always being watched unless you're in your own room. You may have noticed the golden statues standing around in the hallways or by doors. I can assure you, they are alive. Most guards are pretty chill in my experience, but there are some unspoken rules when it comes to interacting with them. Most things are just common sense, like don't touch their weapons and stuff like that. Other rules are more unspoken.
Different posts are for different things. If you find yourself lost, feel free to ask any guard on patrol or standing by a door for directions. One of them may even lead you to your destination if their post isn't super important. Technically you can ask a guard in the middle of the hallway, but you won't get a response. Hall guards are literally there to play statue. Also, please don't try to make hall guards laugh or show emotion. If a commanding officer finds out someone in that post broke character, they can get in serious trouble.
Think of Equestrian hall guards like the British Queens Guard or guards for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.
You can however go and hang out with off duty guards in the barracks if you get bored at any point.
Section 3: Dealing With Nobles
No matter how kind or patient a person you may be, you will come to hate these guys as much as I do. Some things are universal, and hating rich snobs is one of those things. In all honesty, I'd recommend avoiding them like the plague. In hopes of helping you achieve this goal I have compiled a small list of red flags that you may be in the presence of a noble.
1. If they're a unicorn, they're probably a noble. The vast majority of nobles are unicorns for reasons stated previously in the 'Pony Species' chapter.
2. If they wear clothes that aren't some form of uniform, they're probably a noble. Clothes are expensive due to ponies not normally wearing them for anything but special occasions, and wearing them in casual settings is considered a status symbol. Of course, this does not apply to you in their eyes because you are not a pony, you filthy plebeian you.
3. If they are shorter than you and you still have to look up to see their nose, they're probably a noble. I don't think this one requires explaining.
4. If they're offended by the fact that you aren't inbred from a pure bloodline, they may be a noble. You filthy mudblood you.
5. If they have any stereotypically fancy sounding accents, they're probably a noble. I honestly have no idea why so many nobles have foreign accents. I'm pretty sure they're just faking it. Also, nobles tend to be extremely whiny.
6. If they are offended by your mere presence, they are probably a noble.
7. If you can tell from a single look that jumping from their ego down to their IQ would be fatal, they're probably a noble.
8. If they brown nose Celestia Actually, that's pretty much everyone around here.
9. If you see a maid running full speed down the hallway, you should join them. A noble is probably about to round a corner.
Now that you can properly identify nobles at a glance, you should be able to avoid having any contact with them, right? Wrong! Somehow, someway, you will always end up bumping into one of them. I swear, the little pests crawl out of the nonexistent floor boards like cockroaches. They come out of nowhere. And god forbid that you stumble upon one of their little parties in the gardens. It's hard to get the smell of smug out of clothes, let me tell you.
There isn't much you can do about them being around, though many have their own ways of dealing with them. It's really up to you how you choose to go about this. Jay just ignores them, even when they talk directly at him. My preferred method is to insult them so bad that by the time their brain reboots, I'd walked away ten minutes ago. I've done this often enough that it's become a reflex for me, and no matter how many times I insult the same nobles, the idiots keep coming back for more. Luna finds this hilarious. Celestia on the other hand, does not. That brings me to my next topic of discussion.
Section 4: Dealing With Celestia
Don't get me wrong, Celestia is an amazing friend to have. It's just that while Luna is like a cool sister, Celestia is like an overbearing mom. She can be a bit of a killjoy sometimes. She's a very straight laced pony and doesn't like it when people mess with each other. In other words, she's not mad, she's just disappointed.
Too bad for her, I reserve the right to insult anyone I damn well please. If someone does or says anything I find mind numbingly stupid, you bet your sweet ass they're gonna get a faceful of insults. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
There is a secret way to completely sidestep Celestia's disapproval though. If by some chance you find yourself in Celestia's bad graces for the day, just bribe her with cake. Any cake will do. Bonus points if you made it yourself. (You'd get tired of gourmet food too if you'd eaten it every day for the last millennium.) Give her some cake and all past sins are forgiven.
While I do recommend abusing her weakness for baked goods, I do not recommend you stick around and watch her eat it. It can be quite traumatizing. Drop off the package and run for the hills.
Well, that should cover most of the surface level stuff about living in Canterlot Castle. Enjoy your new luxury suite and immunity to being reprimanded by a sun goddess. I won't say you've earned it, but after getting ripped from your home world, I'd certainly say you deserve it.
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Be fun to have an appendix of sample insults, with a subsection devoted wholly to Blueblood.
I better have landed here with my How to Invent Everything book. Living in Equestria's fine, but a way to give something back and earn lots of bits at the same time would be nice.
That bit about Ponyville says there was definitely a bad response to a non-pony residing there.
10116847
Good point. I'll have to mention that somewhere. I probably won't edit it into chapter 2, but I think I might have a later place for it.
What about Fancy Pants and Fleur? They are polite, dispite being part of the elite
10120152
I'm pretty sure the term thestral was first used in Harry Potter, but I could be wrong. I don't think the show ever gave them a name, but the fandom adopted the term thestral for them.
In other news, Tricky sunhorse Pavlovs local human into bringing her sweets on demand.
10120511
i.imgflip.com/2fa5sd.jpg
10120229
I see, makes sense.
And your guide might come in useful for me
10119567
Lol, I literally have a copy of that on my phone just in case.
10120229
It's funny when you think about it, because the thestrals of Harry Potter are basically black skeleton bat horses visible to only those who've seen and understood death.
A bit different from MLP, wouldn't you say?
For bonus points, tell the nobles you're from a country founded on rebelling against royalty. It doesn't matter if you actually are or not. The very idea may make them foam at the mouth.
10119620
Not necessarily bad. It may just be overwhelming.
10124463
"You talk a lot of trash for someone within rebelling distance."
Hello, I just wanted to know, are you going to name other types of breeds (not just ponies, pegasus, unicorns, etc ...)?!
10134150
Do you mean other species? Like changelings, minotaurs, griffons, etc? If so, then yes. I plan to have a chapter dedicated to the other species of Equus at some point.
10134935
Yes, exactly!
Sorry for not answering before ..., I was finishing my geography work (and I was in the classroom)!
And thanks for answering me!
Hello, just to know ..., will you quote the dates that are celebrated there at Equus? (When it occurs, why it occurs, etc.!)! And democracy? How it works?
10138335
I hadn't thought about holidays. I'll add that to the list of things I want to cover at some point. I don't think I'll talk about democracy in particular, but I might talk about the different governing systems for the major countries of Equus. Two good ideas, thanks for those.
10138697
I'm glad I helped a little. A hug
Will chapters about Work, Relationships, Holidays, School and thé CMC follow?
10149187
Holidays are on the list. I hadn't thought of the Equestrian school system. That might make an interesting chapter. Work will probably be talked about in the Cutie Marks chapter whenever I get to it. I might talk about CMC in Ponyville chapter, but can't promise anything. Relationships probably won't really be talked about, but who knows.
Thanks for the suggestions!
Stumbled upon this story after reading "Anon to the Rescue".
If I ever wind up in Equestria I should assk Luna for a copy.
Good work!
10154370
Thanks for reading both stories! I'm glad you enjoyed them. I have stuff in the works for both of them, but with school, work, and the whole pandemic fiasco, it's been difficult to find time for writing.
10119518
HAH! Definitely!
10119567
Never heard of it. Should check it out.
10120511
Still gonna try out bribing her with something like a couple thousand cakes in exchange for beating Blueblood to near-death.
10124463
Yeah, the shocked looks on their faces would beHILARIOUS!
“You lot look like you need a gooooood bit of rebellin’ aimed for your sorry flanks!”
Section 1.1:
There is a dedication plaque by the front gate relating to the construction of the castle that might give some clues on how the place is laid out:
"Constructed by Gallifreyan TARDIS Construction Union Local 10-0-11-0-0 x 0-2 Galactic 0 Center"
Ask Luna for the blueprints. Then ask Luna how to read the blueprints. She'll just smirk at you. Then ask Luna where you find the Gallifreyan TARDIS Construction Union people so you can ask them. She'll have a belly laugh at you.
10178866
Joke's on you. The castle is bigger on the outside.
10179691
-Jokes on you too, I farted just before you kicked us out.
-Ah! OH GOD!
Well, this is fun, and I have another fun tidbit for you:
Since ponies are primarily herbivores, they can’t get the calories needed to fuel their large brains from meat. The need for protein can be somewhat bypassed by producing it in their bodies, but that takes a lot of energy. Where can they get this energy? Sugar. That’s why ponies eat tons of sugar, even Rainbow Dash who can be assumed to be watching her diet for physical fitness reasons and thus not eating much that would be bad for her.
Hey Setablaze, you ok?
It's been months dude.
10360973
Well, I'm not dead, if that's what you're asking. The reason for no updates is a combination of laziness, business, and general lack of motivation to write. I'm getting ready for college to start up again, I've put over 70 hours into Rimworld since the Steam summer sale, and focusing on writing Peace Negotiations chapter 3 kinda burned me out for a while. I'm starting get motivation back though, so while I won't promise new stuff, hopefully something will come of it soon.
In short: I'm fine, I just need to get off my lazy ass and do something.
10361251
Well, that is an absolute relief for me.
Because of the fucking pandemic i'm worried sick about a lot of people, not just for COVID, but for a fuckload of reasons.
If the reasons are just those, i will be patient for a while. Get your shit together at your own pace, find your motivation and inspiration with a good mindset.
Relax and enjoy the ride, i'll wait with bated breath for the results in due time ;)
Yeah, those guys are people you really don't want to have anything to do with. The Queens Guard do not mess around period. Be a wise ass and think it's funny to get on the fence? Hope that will of yours is straight cuz you're gonna get shot and they'll legally get away with it because it's their job.
Karl's Fact Fiend video does a pretty good job of explaining a bunch of stuff. Not to mention it's hilarious to watch the Guard just plow through anyone not paying attention when they march.
10379343
I love Fact Fiend! The tangents they go off on every video are always interesting.
RESPECTFULLY tell Celestia to take her offer for you to live in Ponyville and stuff it.😆 Don't want her to turn you into whatever.
Nice story. Very informative and entertaining.