• Member Since 19th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen February 16th


the wankstain formerly known as Chromosome


Pinkie Pie's simple morning ritual threatens to shatter her very perception of reality, life, and choice in breakfast cereal.

This is PresentPerfect's fault.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 87 )

Oh hey more proof that you're alive!

I never thought Cheerios could make me enter an existential state... but Cheery-O's sure did.

That made me think about life more than On Walden Pond.

Haha Haha great story

Author Interviewer

You're goddamn right it is. :V

Wow it’s been a long time since I’ve read your stuff and I forgot how good of an author you are on the individual sentence level. There was some beautiful writing in this.

the punchline is that cheerios are fucking gross and also i don't wanna get sued

it's all you bb

no one can be happy without their breakfast of choice

pinkie pie can just pour candy in a bowl and call it cereal and it's cereal then

and it works

Cheerios are subtle and nutty and delicious.

I grew up on '80s Generic Oat Rings. You can't even begin to understand what truly bad cereal is.

Cheerios aren't bad but they do have a bit of an aftertaste which is why it's best to have them with tea or coffee or juice. De gustibus non est disputandum, as Seneca used to say whenever his guests complained about his cooking.

(Pinkie Pie probably adds sugar to cheesecake.)

Why Honey Nut Cheerios exist, maybe?

Strange, though, I’ve never liked the honey nut but I like the original just fine.



(Pinkie Pie probably adds sugar to cheesecake.)

I wouldn’t even be surprised.

How did this get in the featured box?

Well, everyone has their own tastes.

I love existentialism as much as the next person but I have to ask. Were mind altering substances consumed while writing this and, if so, where can I get some?


Does Pinkie proceed to watch paint dry next?

Welp time to discuss the philosophical quandaries of eating cereal, cuz I'm feeling it Mr. Crabs.

First we consider if the act of eating cereal has any intrinsic meaning to begin with. One argue that yes even without the agent (Pinkie Pie) the cereal still has purpose; to be ingested, providing energy and nutrients to the consumer. One would not use cereal as a way to support a falling building, for example. And since the cereal was created with a particular purpose in mind before it came into existence, it thusly has meaning separate from any other entity.

However, one could also argue about the absurd nature of the action. We place dried up pieces of carbohydrates and other natural materials into a piece of stone hallowed up from the inside, mixing it with...actually where does milk come from in this universe? Cows? magic? The aether...eh doesn't matter, mixing with runny white liquid. Then using a lever with a hollow point on one of its ends raise portions of the mixture into our mouths, where we perform a mechanical action to break down those pieces into smaller pieces which are then sent to the stomach via contraction and relaxation of muscles, where acid is used to dissolve the consumed substance into sludge to be absorbed by the body (for those of you who have lost the plot, the last paragraph was about the action of eating). By pointing out the absurd nature of the action, one argues that the whole point of cereal is meaningless, and by extension, everything else is equally meaningless.

From here we diverge into two directions. If cereal has meaning, then it must always be good or evil objectively. A good way to check for this is by following the categorical imperative, and make eating horrible cereal universal. If you find such a world sustainable and something you can accept, cereal is good. If not, cereal is evil. This opinion becomes objective in the same way murder is objectively bad and having a job is objectively good under this maxim.

If cereal is meaningless, then we have a couple of options. Either cereal is neither good nor evil but is simply cereal, or that choice resides with the consumer. In a world without meaning, thinking agents can imbue their actions with meaning simply because they will it so. If Pinkie decides cereal is evil, it is evil. If twilight decides cereal is good. This entails that good and evil are relative to each person, which have their own slew of problems to consider, namely that the statement 'Good and evil are relative' is in of itself true for some and wrong for others, but that's a story for another day

Hey if you somehow actually read all this, flip a coin and say either blue or purple.

Who doesn't like onions on pizza?

All I have to say about this is that I believe that nothing has meaning until meaning is forced/injected into whatever the topic of discussion is. In essence, "This is my spoon. There are many like it, but this one is mine, and that's all that really matters right now." -quote, Me.

Also, Purple.

There’s a meme answer and a real answer. I’ll let you decide which is which.

The first answer is that we live in a universe where different sentient and sapient individual human beings lead different lives and make different decisions. As time progresses and more decisions present themselves, there comes a point where these individuals can no longer afford to consciously think about every choice. So more common choices are delegated to the subconcious mind, forever reduced to habit and preference. Thus, some individuals, for myriad reasons, decided that they hate onions on pizza and now they just do.

The second answer is people with actual taste.

A magnificent entry in the long-neglected "Pinkie gets existential over mindane phenomena" subgenre. Thank you for a wonderfully absurd read.

This Sunday started like so many did, with carelessly closed curtains pouring syrupy sunlight across the floor, oozing over pink shag carpets and piles of laundry until they found their way over her snout a little earlier than everypony else.

God, the entire first half is sensory porn. And I love it! I'm just inagining that warm feeling when you lay on that section of carpet that's been catching some sun through the crack in the window curtains. Delightful.

Second half....also liked it, but wow did that rabbit hole get deep really fast :rainbowlaugh:

Next story idea, Pinkie cheers up kids at the hospital, but then discovers that diabetes exists. Cue round 2 of pondeilring her existence and the inherent goods and evils of the world :P


Well there is a classic story for that.

Original cheerios are the only variety I know that I really do not care for. Other versions are fine but that is bland as can be.

Oh Pinkie you were so close to telling Dash how you feel about her...or was that just the crisis talking? With Pinkie it could be both.

Does... does that make me Twilight?

In more serious news, I loved the prose in this. The story was really quite pointless but the writing made it quite the enjoyable read. I will have to peruse your other works. Have an updoot!

See, this is why we eat Honey Nut Cheery-O's instead.

I'll never look at a box of Wheaties the same after what it did to Bruce Jenner...

I thought at first they were just going to be really stale, but you didn't go that way.


That's what I was referencing

I remember one time i had a breakdown as i was making a bowl of cereal. In my house there where two shelfs in the closet it wasent where we put food though on the bottom was the dogfood on the 1st shelf was the cat food as he got into it instead of using his bowl if it was on the ground and on the top shelf was my cereal hidden away in the utility closet to keep my brother from eating it i put it together and realized cereal is just peaople kibble sugary addicting with little substance and thats how i started my day crying my eyes out over a bowl of cereal

The appropriate serving size was four bowls, as such.

I want some of that.

1 gram of sugar per serving.



Yea Absolute always deserves some more views so thanks for reminding me of that story.

Just wanted to say even not counting a possible PinkieDash reference this story is great fun. It is the sort of story I used to read a lot around here but I rarely get anymore. So thank you.

Suddenly, the secrets of the red box opened themselves to them. This cereal wasn’t evil. It was beautiful. Billions of random variables collided to create this, this perfect entity of fiber, added minerals, and a total absence of sugar and good taste. The eyes of the bee held no malice, only the peaceful serenity of one who had learned his place in the universe and accepted it.

There was no purpose, only Cheery-O’s.

I laughed.

Cheery-O’s, brought to you by Oats ‘n’ Friends.


this episode brought to you by Oats ‘n Friends

People are born evil, tastebuds change over time and are predisposed towards sweet in the young, the best breakfast is the one with enough protein and fat to get you through a long day, and Pinkie needs a few therapy sessions and a priest.

Existential quandaries are fun to subvert.

Started reading before checking the author. Swishes it around my brain. "Huh, actually really good for cereal" checks author. "Huh, and only one gram sugar." Finds ending a little abrupt "And there's aftertaste, but I liked it."

This was a bit to existential for a story about being out of cereal.

She cringed. “I’m gonna need you to stop creeping me out, buddy. What’s gotten into you? Look at this place, it’s a mess! Twilight’s gonna be here soon for the picnic, and I don’t see a single trebuchet.”

How will they launch a 90kg proyectile over 300m then?

All the crayons taste differently. Some people like blue and some like red. And some just paint with them.
Also, Rarity. She does not run on sugar like Pinkie and does not make workouts like Dash. If she would have eaten Crunch Supreme, she would get fat! The horror!
So she doesn't.
Meet oatmeal. The plain flakes version. How you cook it is what you get.


Meet oatmeal. The plain flakes version. How you cook it is what you get.

But Pinkie Pie said:

We all eat hay and oats. Why be at each other's throats?

Anyway I've eaten raw rolled oats. It's not as bad as Generic Oat Rings.

Rings, you just dump into milk and (try to) eat.
And porridge is to be cooked, sometimes to truly horrific results.

Also, that's why we're not fighting anymore - because offenders will be fed overcooked oatmeal.

Existential crisis over cereal.....alright. :unsuresweetie:

I legitimately enjoy regular Cheerios, but this was great.

See this is why I stick to Shreddies, Bran Flakes - corn flakes at a push - or Coco Pops. I have never eaten Cheerio's but I am 99% sure I would find them revolting based or prior experience of related things.

Sod the existenial ruminations on the point of cerial - the point of it is, I like it, so I'mma eat it twice a day forever because I'm Undead and I can eat whatever I damn like.

Pinkie's reaction to being out of cerial is... less extreme than mine, but the world has never seen my reaction to being out of cerial - and 'tis as well, for it would be a horror that the living universe would witness only once.

Login or register to comment