• Member Since 21st Apr, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

JackRipper


A real lady killer.

T
Source

Rainbow Dash is not a cheater. She's worked hard in life to get to where she is now, and she never, ever took the easy way out.

...

Why does it hurt so much?


Pre-read / Proofread by Not Enough Coffee, Jojo and Feather Book.
Edited by Dreams of Ponies and Level Dasher.
Additional help from Canucklehead and Figments.

An entry in the Two-Faced Charade Contest.

Cover art by incendiaryboobs on derpibooru.
Featured: 2/5/18 - 2/7/18.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 35 )

Good story, Jack! Really like the interactions between these characters, they felt genuine and engaging.

I do have one criticism though. I really really wish we got a bit more than just a scene distance before Fluttershy finally accepted Rainbow Dash back. It just felt like Rainbow Dash gotten forgiven way too easily. I wanted to feel the emotional strife that these characters had, but due to it happening and then being solved so easily, I felt there was no payoff for the reader in the end.

Still, good luck in the contest!

JackRipper
Story Approver

8714770
Thank you so much! :heart:

8714772
You're welcome! Keep on writing! :heart:

Good story, Jack. Although, I agree with Curify that the ending felt a bit rushed.

Still, good job. :twilightsmile:

This was nice. The ending was a bit rushed, but it still had a good buildup. The last line was a good one to end on, too.

JackRipper
Story Approver

8715192
8714835
I swear I wasn’t trying to rush the ending. :twilightsheepish:

8715206
It happens. It's still an enjoyable story, and that's what matters most.

Well, this was depressing.

JackRipper
Story Approver

8715415
The 'sad' tag is in fact there for a reason. :scootangel:

This was certainly good, but I can't call everyone here in character. Fluttershy would likely want more information, AJ would at least listen and not attack Dash, and Dash in general would think more of her friends. Otherwise though, splendid story, I did like this.

Baby, I was looking forward to this one for a long while. I can't read it yet, but you better believe I'll be psyched when contest judging comes around.

I hereby dedicate this song to your story. "Hey there, A Piece of You... I've been thinking a lot about you, lately. That's why I wrote you this song.

"I knew I loved you before I met you."

JackRipper
Story Approver

8715611
I hope it doesn't disappoint. :twilightsmile:

JackRipper
Story Approver

8715513
I'm glad you liked it! :heart:

"Good, because if you do it again… I won't have a heart left to break."

Well shit...I didn't think Flutters could get so damn serious.

JackRipper
Story Approver

8716741
Then I’d say you aren’t thinking hard enough. :trollestia:

8716745
...Well now I have to go re-watch every season of MLP.

Wow. Didn’t expect that ending but it was a very nice read!! Keep up the good work and have a like! :twilightsmile:

This was painful to read. The good kinda pain, the kind of pain that a story like this is supposed to make you feel. I love it!
The characters felt genuine, and so did the drama. It was all believable and swept me right along.

Rainbow's guilt especially is very well done. And little things like the CMCs being there greatly helped to make the whole scenario seem real, instead of fabricated. I'm not gonna say much more, because I would basically just be saying "awesome job!" over and over again, but there are 2 parts I wanna highlight:

Just please promise that you’ll visit me again as soon as possible.

… I will.

This being repeated multiple times throughout the story was a very nice way to underline Rainbows guilt gave the whole scenario a somewhat somber undertone, instead of painting her deed completely as " I didnt know what I was doing I was drunk", which is something I appreciated a lot.

"Good, because if you do it again… I won't have a heart left to break."

I ADORE it when a story end with a good one-liner. This one was very fitting, and made sure that the reader wouldnt loose track of the situation's severity just because Fluttershy was quick to forgive. It was also very in-line for Fluttershy. Other characters would be mad at the one who cheated on them, and would eventually overcome any self-doubts. Fluttershy likely wouldnt put much blame on RD, but instead on herself and break in the process.

Good luck in the contest!

Good story, though the ease of her redemption takes a bit of the sting off. If this doesn't place first, I'm sure it'll be damn near the top.

The ending felt kinda rushed, but what're ya gonna do? 🍺

I liked it :twilightsmile:

Thumbs up

everything everypony in this story said is a lie

JackRipper
Story Approver

8718725
Uh, okay?

JackRipper
Story Approver

8718725
Well, technically it's fanfiction...

Everything said in every story here is a lie. Care to be more specific as to why your feathers are ruffled?

Hmm hmm. A touching little story, but with several flaws. Needed far more meat around its bones, more description, more, well, life. Now it was almost a textbook story about cheating with almost everything left unresolved in the end. The term "tearjerker" comes to mind. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed reading RD's internal monologue and her acting first and thinking after was pretty in character, as was Fluttershy. What I really didn't enjoy was the way you wrote AJ as more of a violent bro than the smart and direct mare she should be. Anyways, I don't usually bother to comment or upvote most fics any more, so at least there was something here that hit me in the right way and I'm happy to have read it, so that's something?

I don't want to set the world on fire

Honest.

8718947
i'd also point out on top of your observations that spitfire pretty much gets a walk on this, despite the likelihood she knew rainbow was in a relationship.

8719019 That did bother me a lot, yes. Like I said, a lot more things unresolved. Spitfire was utterly vamping RD all throughout, and why RD even went with her doesn't make any sense in the context of the story. Element of Loyalty my ass.

8719280
Just because she's the Element of Loyalty doesn't mean she's always loyal or has the capacity to be any less disloyal then anyone else. How many times has Pinkie Pie been sad or Fluttershy been mean?

This was pretty damn good, not gonna lie. Rainbow's characterization was absolutely spot-on, and I loved the way you presented her internal conflict throughout the story.

But then there's the ending. I just can't say I agree with the way it was presented. It felt like the entire buildup got wiped away with the swipe of a hand. Fluttershy's reaction to her coming back felt so underwhelming. She'd already decided to just forgive and forget so easily, like this wasn't all that big of a deal. But it was. It was a huge deal. I have a hard time believing that it would go over so smoothly.

In spite of that, these were still some pretty choice horsewords. Now you just have to see how you stack up against a stronger, handsomer Jack in the contest :ajsmug:

I really liked this, the last line shook me for a bit as I made sense of the meaning.

"Good, because if you do it again… I won't have a heart left to break."

DAMN:twilightoops:! Way to buck me in the gut:fluttershysad:!

I want to see a sequel to this where Fluttershy confronts Spitfire and tears her a new one.

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