I always loved my little brother. He has always been one of the friendliest, sweetest, and most unique colts you would ever meet. But I always had the knowledge that he was different, and a lot of ponies would hate him for it. It wasn't until this most recent spring that the cruel reality of the world would break him down. From that moment on, Celestia could only tell what his fate would bring. My name is Fluttershy, and this is the story of my brother, Mockingbird.
Rated Teen: For language, strong homophobic slurs, violence, and sexual content.
Special thanks to thedarkprep, OfTheIronwilled, and Wireframe for helping me proofread, edit and revise.
Cover art by the lovely miss Dotterall (Head over to her deviant art account and give her work the much needed praise she deserves!)
excellent so far, keep up the good work
...I'm confused as to how a pegasus would even put a belt on, much less (try to) beat someone with it.
A nice start, albeit a depressing one. It's always interesting to see a fic where prejudice exists in Equestria, since so many others depict it as a society without such malice. Well, hopefully things will work out for Fluttershy's brother!
This story reminds me of that one movie about a son being gay and his family trying to change him and not accepting him until he committed suicide.
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What movie are you talking about? I don't think i've ever heard of it.
What happened?
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You'll find out soon enough.
Them cliff hangers...
This has been pretty darn good so far. Oh boy, I wonder whats going to happen next.
Yeah! You updated. I so glad to read this chapter. Your writing is crisp and beautiful and your characters are very well kept. I'm really loving this story and I can't wait for the next chapter. Keep up the phenomenal work.
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Told you I didn't give up on this story.
YYYYYYYEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS.
Really good story!!!! It was very nice, lol I am crying right now
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Awww. I can't live with the guilt of making Pinkie cry. Would you like a hug? *Hugs*
2752561 Thank you for the Hug!!!
Damn cliff hangers, hm, I'm guessing over two scenarios in my head of what might've happened...
1.) Since he was panicking, maybe he acidentally made a wrong move on a colt and the colt noticed Mockingbird, and he ran off, or,
2.) Well, this is just another guess, and a bad one at that, maybe some other colt in the bathroom is colt-cuddler and he made a move for Mockingbird and for some unknown reason ran off as well?
That second one doesn't make sense...please disregard it
Or maybe he panicked when a mare made a move on her?
Great story so far...wonder what will happen next..
Looks like Mocking just discovered the wonder that is glory holes.
Also, Mac and Mockingbird, calling it now.
I've been waiting to see more from you, and you have not disappointed. Keep up the good work!
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Thank you very much for pointing that out.
When I was writing the chapter, i actually completely forgot that I was writing about ponies and I never fixed it during the final editing phase. But now, the line has been changed to a hoof, for clarification.
That's real cute, that is.
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Then may I suggest the LGBT Group. It has several great fics that deal with Homosexuality and Homophobia—as well as Transphobia—as a serious topic.
Hey, you're right. I just listened to the song, it does fit very well.
Since your story is sort of lengthy, I'll be reviewing it one chapter at a time... I-if that's okay with you, that is.
Title:When Kindness Met Hatred: Chapter One - The Worst Birthday Ever
Grammar Score Out of 10: 7
Pros: 1) Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both seem in character, and their reactions together are believable and realistic. 2) Gays being frowned upon in the MLP universe is pretty rare, and your take on it is creative. 3) You can tell that there is a family dynamic between Fluttershy and Mockingbird.
Cons: 1) The narrative doesn't feel like it's Fluttershy who's talking. 2) You sometimes switch from past to present tense, and there are a few more minor grammar/spelling mistakes. 3) The section where Mockingbird is telling Fluttershy what happened could use a little more emotion.
Notes: While Fluttershy's dialogue matches her character and personality almost perfectly, the narrative doesn't sound like it's being told by her. This isn't that big of a problem, as long as her dialogue and mannerisms stay fairly spot-on, but it's a little distracting. Also, I felt that Mockingbird telling Fluttershy what happened could be more emotional, with a bit more help from the narrator. You can tell that Mockingbird is upset through what he's saying, but just something explaining how his voice was being cut off by sniffs or sobs, or how Fluttershy was taking all of this while he was telling his story could help. Fluttershy's father trying to beat his son before throwing him out of the family? Fluttershy would be utterly and completely mortified. Unless there was some abuse down the line beforehand, this would come as a complete surprise to her, and she wouldn't want to believe it. Her mind would be going back and forth, trying to understand how this happened, and she would be interrupting Mockingbird with hugs and "I'm sorry!"'s and sobs until the cows came home. If that didn't happen and she was trying to be strong for him, she would be crying and hugging him... and getting really
ing furious with her father. You know what happened to the dragon? At the Gala? That would probably be running through her mind, if only for a split second.
That being said, you still did a good job about making Mockingbird seem like family through Fluttershy's mannerisms when he shows up at her door. She seems more laid back than usual, even more so than when she's with her friends, and she's comforting, all while staying very much in character. Mockingbird also responds in a believable way for someone extremely upset by turning away from her offer of food and deciding to wallow a bit instead. They really feel like brother and sister... and maybe a bit like mother and son.
This is pretty creative, and so far it looks like it has some potential. I'll be doing this review by chapter and I'll be giving my final verdict when I'm done, so if chapter two isn't reviewed in a few hours, it probably means I got distracted by all the pone around and I'll be doing it tomorrow. Same with chapter three.
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Thank You very much for the review! Please tyake your time in reading and reviewing each chapter. I actually kind of prefer the way you're doing it, so that I'll have a much better idea of exactly what I need to fix for each section of the story.
Thank you very much for pointing out Fluttershy's narration. This is actually the first time I'm writing a full-length story in a first-person POV and I've already discovered that it's not easy. Grammar is 7/10? Really? I had no idea it was that bad.
Can you maybe give me some specific examples of where the mistakes are? I think it would help when I revise this. Also, A very big thank you for your in-depth take on the story section of the chapter. I'll admit I was rushing it a little when I wrote it, so this definitely will be getting most of my focus with the re-vision. I will be sure to fix these mistakes when I can find the time.
As for Fluttershy being furious, don't worry: Flutterrage is coming. The first chapter just sets the events of the story in motion. I'm trying to make it so she is really more shocked and trying to deny that it's really happening than just having her jump immediately to IronWill Fluttershy. I plan on having a series of events build up that will push Fluttershy to her boiling point. Don't worry, her fury is coming. This is my way of telling you without spoiling too much.
I also want to thank you for acknowledging the relationship between Fluttershy and her brother. What I'm trying to do for them is make their relationship brother and sister, but really a little closer... I agree: like mother and son.
Once again, thank you so much for your honest and very helpful review of chapter one. I hope you enjoy reading the next two chapters as well. Things will be getting a lot more exciting and edgy from that point on. Oh, just one more question: have you done critiquing/proofreading before? It really looks like you know what you're doing which is absolutely awesome! That's exactly what I needed this whole time. /)
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Your welcome, and I'm glad I could be so helpful. As for the grammar score... you know, now that I think of it, it probably could have been an eight. Even if it wasn't though, a 7 really isn't that bad of a score; I've reviewed stories that got a 5 or a 4.
I'm really looking forward to Ironwill Fluttershy (there's a reason my name and picture are what they are). I really like to see what happens when characters are taken out of their comfort zone, or pushed to their limit, because there can be different reactions for the same emotion. I always like to see what the author will do with it -- how far they'll have their character go while keeping them in character.
Also, heated arguments in stories really get my blood pumping for some reason.
Well, I am in Authors Helping Authors, so I've done some reviews through there. The same goes for a group called A for Effort, and just some casual reviewing I've done on the side when I'm bored. I'd like to think that reviewing other people's stories will help me pick through my stories better, and I'll be giving someone some help along the way, so... Oh and -- w-what? What- What's that? I've... never been brohoofed before, and you... that... the... *smiles*
/)
Now, off to chapter two!
Title: When Kindness Met Hatred: Chapter Two - The Party
Grammar Score Out of 10: 9
Pros: 1) Your grammar and spelling improved greatly in this chapter. 2) Like last chapter, almost everypony is in character, only this time, we also get more of a personality from Mockingbird. 3) You're already starting to build up the tension, and making it known when Fluttershy loses it, she'll really lose it.
Cons: 1 and 2) There still the minor problems of the narration and some grammatical errors. 3) I felt that Fluttershy was slightly out of character, if only a little bit.
Notes: I think that this time, the notes will be a little more complicated. I say this because number three on my pro list is linked closely to number three on my con list. I suppose I'll start with that first.
You've done a very, very good thing with Fluttershy -- you've shown us the braver side of her. So far, when Fluttershy has been brave in the show, she's had to help her friends through physical situations, such as the dragon, in which she needed to be brave and fearful in order to save them. We haven't really seen her being emotionally brave, like she is here, where, instead of being fearfully and assertively brave, she has to be comforting and kind, while still keeping an air of strength about her. This is something I feel Fluttershy would do, given her personality. She naturally bottles things up, as to not be a bother to ponies or trouble them with things she thinks doesn't concern them. During a time when somepony close to her is going through a tough time, this would be especially true -- why would she talk about her problems while somepony else is struggling with their own? This being said, that means that any problem she would have, she would bottle up; she couldn't be as shy for Mockingbird's sake, and she would be forcing herself to face things (like large crowds of ponies) that she normally wouldn't, all for her brother.
In other words, she would be setting herself up for disaster. Eventually, she would snap. Badly. And that's a good setup to have, at this point.
But there's a problem to this.
This is all well and good while she's by Mockingbird or alone with Mockingbird, but otherwise... what I'm trying to say is, at the party, I felt as if Fluttershy was being a bit too confident, making her slightly out of character. It's not much, but it's notable -- Fluttershy isn't a sociable pony, and parties really wouldn't be too pleasant for her. As I've said, it would be fine for her to force herself to go to social events as if to appear strong for her brother, but we need some backup from narration. It's nothing large -- just have her flinch and nearly run or something when she first opens the door to Sugarcube Corner and sees all the ponies, just for her to shake her head and force herself to go inside. Alternatively, instead of dancing, you could have Fluttershy just standing awkwardly in the corner, sipping punch. After a while, she would see Mockingbird standing around too, and she would go out there herself to try to get him to have a good time. This would help create some more internal conflict, and would make her seem more in character.
Honestly, it's a pretty minor problem, and I probably shouldn't have spent so much time on it. Oh well. If it helps, right?
Anyway, other than that, there wasn't much wrong with it. You really cut down on the typos this chapter, which is a good thing, and while there's still the thing about the narration not sounding like Fluttershy... like I said, as long as you keep everything else in character and right, it shouldn't be too big a problem. Mockingbird is starting to develop a distinct personality and his special talent is creative and unique. You're developing him well so far, though I'd like to know a little bit more about his past and his home living with Fluttershy. It would add more contrast from Fluttershy's parents then to now, giving Mockingbird's "banishment" more impact.
Okay, I'm done now. I'll be reviewing chapter three later today or tomorrow. Afterwards, I'll look through this for any typos and point them all out.
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Thank You for Review #2! I'm glad to see that you are enjoying the story so far. You will definitely learn some more about Mockingbird in the next chapter and more so in chapter four (Which I hope to start writing either tonight or tomorrow). What you said about Fluttershy should be a very easy fix. I'm definitely thinking of ways I can spice up the narration. I've been thinking about it all day.
It puzzles me how my story has a better rating than yours.
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Isn't it wonderful how stories will lodge themselves into your brain, and torment you well after your supposed to be asleep?
Also, if you ask me a question and I don't answer right away, I'm sorry. For some reason, my notifications are bugging out or something and won't tell me when you reply to me.
Title: When Kindness Met Hatred: Chapter Three - The First Attack
Grammar Score Out of Ten: 8
Pros: 1)Mockingbird's train of thought is done nicely, and the bathroom scene did a lot to let us into his head. 2) The pacing is done nicely, and you've done well to bridge chapters, constantly keeping the story moving. 3) Everypony stayed in character throughout, and there weren't too many mistakes.
Cons: Basically the same thing with the narration and the occasional mistake. 3) Some flashbacks or conversations could be had to give everything more context.
Notes: With the bathroom scene where Mockingbird was attacked, you gave us a nice window into how his brain worked. Through the way that you worded the scene, you made his fear and paranoia very much known the second Milky Way stepped in, and as it progressed, his reactions -- like breaking out into a nervous sweat and nearly throwing up with just a few words said -- really backed up the fact that he was absolutely terrified to be found out or judged, and at this point, he was almost broken. You get the sense that he had been through this routine several times before and he knew where it was going -- that in the end, he would end up hated and physically abused like he was before. In other words, you get to know that he's terrified that he'll be made fun of or beaten, that this has probably happened before, and you figure out that, emotionally, he could break down at any second. Which he pretty much did when he picked up the knife. Fluttershy was just there to stop him.
He's paranoid and terrified, and he has a reason for it. That's a part of his character. And this is a good thing to do to develop him.
Other than that, the talk while he was holding the knife was emotional and very believable, and Rainbow's and Fluttershy's reactions were also quite believable. Just throughout the story in general you've got good pacing, and nothing here is really filler. Everything you do is moving the plot forward, while not doing it too terribly fast. The only thing I've got a problem with wouldn't even really be something in this just chapter alone, but this:
You're doing just a little bit of telling instead of showing. At some points you're saying "Mockingbird's parents really loved him, so this behavior from them is shocking" or "Mockingbird was always happy and now he's depressed and dark". This isn't that big of problem, but it might be better if you have Fluttershy and Mocking talk about the good times with their parents, or have Fluttershy have some sort of flashback where she and her brother are laughing and having fun. That would make a contrast from everypony (Mockingbird and his parents) then, to now. Since they're seeing the parents next chapter, I would put some sort of flashback or something then. In a way, this isn't as much a con as a friendly suggestion for the future, to make everything have a little more impact.
After that... I don't have much. Nothing bad stood out to me this other than the things that have carried from the previous chapters (narration, grammar/spelling issues), and you've really set things up for even more conflict and tension in the future. Has been followed, has been liked, and will continue to be so.
Sorry if this review isn't as good or strong as the others.
If you're unhappy with it, I suppose I could try again... anyway, I wish you luck for the future!
I audibly squealed when I saw this in my update feed, and I was not let down! More, more, more
!
:D yush!
I get an ominous feeling from Fluttershy's dad. This isn't gonna end well
A beaver dam is spelled dam not damn.
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Thank you, for pointing that out. The mistake has been corrected.
If I had read only the first chapter, I probably wouldn't be making this comment, but from third chapter onward, this has officially gained my interest. This story would have been a tad on the cliche side if it weren't for your very original choice of perspective. Young colt kicked out by his white-knight parents for being gay? Read it so many times it's not even funny, but told from the perspective of his by standing sister? That makes it a lot more different than I would have expected.
Compared to your first two chapters, you have shown signs of very fast improvement. The number of spelling and grammar mistakes on this chapter I could probably count on one hand (when Big Mac arrived, you typed 'guess' instead of 'guest'). You've also dealt with the issues I had with the amount exposition (describing things in an unnecessary amount of detail).
Overall, a really good job. Liked and Favorited.
You know, deleting the opinions and reviews that you requested because you don't like them isn't a great way to make friends, much less improve as a writer. Just saying.
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I know, that was kind of a stupid thing for me to do, I'll admit. But I still have what they said in my head, so I still know what to fix. I actually appreciated the review, but I'm honestly unsure of what caused me to delete it in the first place. All in all, it was just stupidity that got the best of me. I didn't think twice and I'm not proud of myself for doing it. You don't have to forgive me; I just wanted to get this out.
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Mind if Barata reposts his review? He writes them in GDocs first, so he still has it handy.
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He may. It was his opinion and it was wrong of me.
2861951 Your reviews are great, really fantastically detailed. Would you care to honour my saga The New Gods with a good strong critique some time? I always love the chance to see improvements I can make on my work!