The Cup Cake Killer
THE CUP CAKE KILLER
By Saddlesoap Opera
She was walking.
Applejack watched Pinkie Pie pick her way up the lane all the way to the farmhouse, and the only thing that stood out in her mind was that the party-pony was making her way with a steady, heavy-hoofed gait. Not bounding. Not pronking or prancing or hopping.
Just walking.
Applejack opened the door before Pinkie could knock, and stepped out into the crisp autumn air. The wind gusted, wrenching the door wide, and crisp dry leaves rustled across the fading grass.
“Uh, hay there,” she said. “What brings you ‘round?”
Pinkie straightened and shook her head as if startled to hear her friend’s voice. Her frizzy mane and tail danced in the breeze. She worked her mouth a few times before words came out.
“A-Applejack, we’re… we’re family, right?”
The farm-pony raised an eyebrow. “Whah? Well, sure we are! Shucks, what’s gotten inta you, Pinkie Pie?”
Pinkie laughed a sharp and barking laugh. A laugh like a bird striking glass.
“Oh nothing! Nope! Nope! Nopey dopey!”
She stood there and held a wide and silent smile for a long and awkward moment before speaking again.
“Say, could you come to Sugarcube Corner tonight? You need to… ah, I want… I mean, you really…”
Pinkie trailed off before she finished speaking. There were words, but no breath escaped her quivering lips to carry them. She inhaled sharply.
“So yeah! Come on by, okie dokie?”
Applejack swallowed despite her mouth feeling dry.
“Uhh… sure, Pinkie. I’ll stop by after I rake the back field, awright?”
Pinkie turned around and walked away.
• • • •
The unsettling meeting stuck with Applejack throughout the afternoon’s chores, like a burr on her hide. She wasn’t one for curiosity - she’d seen what overthinking had done to Twilight Sparkle at times - but the weirdest mare in Ponyville had managed to outdo herself that day, and Applejack wanted, needed, to know why.
She cantered off as soon as her chores were done, heading to town at a hustle.
Ponyville was less occupied on fall evenings; the chill in the air and the early dark sent the townsponies indoors. There was no traffic on the streets as Applejack made her way to the bakery where Pinkie lived. Sugarcube Corner was dark; the door was ajar.
Applejack slowly climbed the front steps and slipped her head in to nudge the door open wider. She wrinkled her nose at a sour scent that sharply intruded on the perpetual sweetness of the air in the place.
“Pinkie…?”
Applejack heard a soft splash from the kitchen. She strode into the bakery’s main room, and immediately skidded on a layer of scattered silver dragées on the wooden floor. She cried out and stumbled to keep upright.
“Shewt... P-Pinkie? Where are ya?”
Without even moonlight from outside, the shadows in the bakery were deep. Applejack proceeded slowly and slid her hooves on the floor to avoid slipping on any other spilled confections.
Applejack turned the corner and entered the kitchen. She saw Pinkie there, up on her hind legs facing the sink. From the splashing, the sink was full.
“Pinkie? Pinkie, what’s-”
Applejack’s front hoof slid up against a yielding mass. Something big and soft and heavy and room-temperature.
She looked down.
Cup Cake was sprawled on her side on the kitchen floor. Her legs were curled up tight facing Pinkie… and her head was facing Applejack.
Applejack’s eyes went wide as saucers. She gasped and jerked back; her hind legs hit another patch of spilled decorations and she scrambled and stumbled before sitting down hard on the dense little beads and slamming her back against the far wall.
The moon cleared some clouds, and light poured into the window facing Pinkie Pie. As well as her sharp silhouette, Applejack could make out two smaller shapes in the filled sink.
The farm-pony’s heart was pounding at full gallop. Cold sweat bathed her hide.
“S-Sweet Celestia!” she croaked. “Missus Cake… she’s…!”
“She’s dead!” Pinkie chirped. She looked up at the moon. The water splashed again. “She’s dead,” she repeated, softer.
Applejack tried to get to her hooves, but her body was trembling. Leaden. Like freezing-cold anvils were pressing down on her. Her stomach lurched. She grimaced to hold back vomit. She had to ask. Pinkie was so calm. So relaxed. She had to ask. The awful curiosity was burning in her innards like quicklime.
“Pinkie… did-” Applejack fought another surge of nausea. “...Did you do this?”
“Well, I broke her neck,” Pinkie mused. She was still staring at the moon. “She died on her own, a little bit later.”
Applejack finally got her quivering legs to obey and stood up. She saw movement in the sink again. Two little shapes. Ice-water surged up Applejack’s spine.
“Are the twins in the sink, Pinkie?”
“Yup!”
Applejack cast about in the darkness while Pinkie was still turned away. She squinted through the shadows until she spotted a thick wooden chair.
“...Why are they in the s-sink, Pinkie?”
Pinkie sighed at the moon, like she’d been asked the most obvious of questions.
“So they’ll drown, you silly filly!”
Applejack’s vision wavered with tears; she clamped her teeth on the polished wood of the chair’s back.
Pinkie turned as Applejack swung, and the instant before the chair smashed against the side of Pinkie’s head and sent her tumbling, Applejack could have sworn she saw the pink mare smile.
• • • •
Applejack sat on the front steps of the nearby flower shop and sipped mulled cider from a wooden tankard. A thick woolen blanket was draped over her shoulders.
The sun had barely been raised, but guardsponies were all around. Exploring the Pegasus-cleared patch of sunlight in the otherwise overcast day. Speaking to residents. Milling about inside and outside of the bakery. Did Ponyville even have guardsponies? Had they been brought in just for this? Was Mister Cake back from his trip yet? Did he know?
A muffled, distant noise snapped Applejack out of her reverie; she looked around before focusing on the stallion speaking to her not two paces away.
“Miss Apple…? Did you hear me?”
“It’s Applejack,” she muttered. “Just… just Applejack.”
The pale-grey Pegasus nodded. “Applejack, did you hear or see any signs of an altercation on your way into the bakery?”
Applejack stared at the steam rising up from her cider.
“Those lil’ twins… they don’t have a Momma anymore…”
The guardspony frowned, but the hard expression was padded with patience.
“Ma’am, I know this is difficult, but we need to get your statement while it’s still-”
“Sprinkles.”
The stallion tilted his head. “I’m sorry?”
Applejack’s eyes stayed unfocused. “Sprinkles. Sprinkles... had me w-worried.”
“There were dessert decorations spilled on the floor.”
Applejack nodded. She took another sip of cider. She clamped her teeth on the polished wood.
The stallion lunged and caught the mug as it fell, so he took Applejack’s panicked scream full in the face.
• • • •
Ponyville City Hall’s front doors glowed reddish-purple and then hurled themselves open. Twilight Sparkle strode inside the dome-ceilinged atrium and headed straight for the scrum surrounding the town’s chief administrator.
“I need to speak with her, Mayor.”
A portion of the crowding newsponies turned and shifted their attention, flowing toward the newly arrived Alicorn like water seeking low ground. Flashbulbs flickered and cracked.
“Princess Twilight!” one of the reporters piped up. “Any comment on the first murder in this town’s entire history?”
“How do you respond to the allegations against your associate?” shouted another.
She ignored them. “Mayor Mare!” Twilight repeated, louder this time. “I need to speak with her now!”
The dun-coloured mare took a slow, calming breath and then adjusted her cravat. “This isn’t the time for that, Princess. We need to reassure the public that justice will be done. We can’t just-”
Twilight spread her wings, ignited her horn, and stomped a front hoof. Shimmering floor-to-ceiling panes of magic flashed into being edge-on before her and slid outward, bulldozing the reporters aside until they were gently but firmly pressed against either wall of the atrium. They squirmed and grumbled in muffled outrage.
Twilight strode forward until she was nearly nose-to-nose with the Mayor. She narrowed her eyes.
“Mayor. I need to see Pinkie Pie. That’s an order.”
• • • •
Pinkie Pie was sitting in the middle of a dusty, long-disused holding cell in the basement of City Hall’s barely used justice department. A heavy bridle and harness with hobbles to prevent kicks crisscrossed her body with dark, thick canvas that contrasted sharply with her rosy hide. Her mane and tail had been combed straight during her arrest and processing.
Her ears twitched when Twilight approached; she lifted her head to meet her gaze. Even in the minimal light from the one high, barred window, an ugly splotch of bruising stood out on one side of her face.
Twilight had approached with purpose, but once she took in the sight of her friend in that position and the hard reality of the moment struck her, she sat in silence for a long time.
Eventually, Pinkie spoke first.
“This is for the best.”
Twilight perked up, but kept staring. “Wh-What?”
“This is for the best. It was going to happen eventually.”
Twilight stood up, fighting a skittish urge to take flight. The heavy walls and ceiling of the basement seemed too close for comfort.
“Pinkie, I don’t understand!” Twilight shook her head as if trying to escape a swarm of insects. “This doesn’t make any sense! I know you! You aren’t like this! K-Killing Missus Cake… and, and the twins! Trying to drown them? That’s… HORRIBLE!”
“It sure is,” Pinkie agreed. She nodded as much as her restraints allowed.
Twilight was panting. Wide-eyed. Dizzy. The imbalance of things gnawed at her like starving rats.
“H-How… Pinkie, how could you do this? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?”
“Earth Ponies are really strong,” Pinkie commented with a shrug. Her voice was so flat. So un-inflected.
Twilight briefly wondered if this flat-haired, bound and restrained, dull-voiced thing was even really Pinkie Pie. Her horn began to glow, but then sputtered out. She looked up at it in confusion.
“Restriction spell at the door,” Pinkie said numbly. She paused, and then looked down. “I’m not a Changeling.”
Twilight shakily performed a breathing exercise to regain some focus. It wasn’t very helpful.
“This doesn’t make any sense…” Twilight repeated. She looked down at the stone floor, at her imprisoned friend, and then at a discarded, crumpled feedbag in one corner of the cell, stamped with the words Property of Ponyville Gaol. “I just don’t understand…”
Pinkie Pie finally smiled. “You should just accept it,” she said with a touch of her old lilt. “Take a leap of faith.”
She inhaled deeply, making her restraints creak, and then let out a long, satisfied sigh. “This is for the best.”
Twilight tried several times to reply, but her vast vocabulary failed her over and over again. She ultimately just hung her head and slowly plodded out of the basement.
On the main floor of City Hall’s justice department, Twilight caught sight of Mister Cake sitting in a glass-walled interview room with the twins hanging at his shoulders in a papoose yoke. His face was buried in his front hooves, and sobs wracked his spindly yellow frame.
• • • •
The sky was grey again when the Cake family gathered on the Memorial Hill to bury Cup, but the weather team delayed the rain.
Carrot stood by the open grave with the foals nestled in a buggy in front of him. His black suit called extra attention to his rail-thin physique.
Cake relatives and O’Flour in-laws surrounded him, all similarly sporting sombre dress.
The elderly stallion offering a traditional eulogy spoke slowly, to keep the quaver out of his aged voice.
“From Earth we arose, and to Earth we return this precious gift with gratitude and sadness for time spent and unspent.”
He touched a hoof to the young sapling that would serve as Cup’s marker.
“What Cup Cake has left behind will nourish this tree. Long may it grow.”
“Long may it grow,” the crowd repeated. The formed a line to each touch a hoof to the sapling in turn.
On the next hill over, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy watched the proceedings from a distance. They would be permitted to pay their respects once the relatives left.
Applejack squinted at the funeral, watching the line form. She stirred a hoof in a patch of bare soil. She half-turned away, and looked at a pair of thick, healthy trees topping another slope.
“Long may it grow,” she whispered.
• • • •
Ponyville’s train station saw more traffic in the ensuing days than it had in the previous year.
Countless investigators, guardsponies, journalists, relatives of the victim, and morbid sightseers flocked to Ponyville to learn more about the so-called Cup Cake Killer. It was the fifth murder in recorded Equestrian history; the next most recent had happened before the invention of the printing-press.
The rest of Ponyville’s erstwhile saviours sat gathered in the Apple farmhouse’s living room. Nopony spoke.
Rarity’s makeup was freshly reapplied to a greyed and stiff mask of neutrality that strained to hold back a flood of unseemly emotion.
She sat next to Fluttershy, who was whimpering and sobbing softly only due to no longer having the energy to cry any louder. Angel the bunny sat on her shoulder, dabbing up her tears with a cloth as they slid down her flushed cheeks.
Rainbow Dash sat next to Fluttershy. She trembled now and then, and twitched her wings. Chaotic, clashing emotions filled her with frustrated nervous energy. She wanted to fly, but she knew not even her speed could escape those feelings.
Applejack sat in the softest easy-chair in the room and kept her dark-circled eyes staring at the floor. She’d finally slept after the funeral the other day, but nightmares jarred her awake so often that it made little difference.
Twilight sat on the floor on the other side of Applejack. The soft rustle of her leafing through the case documents and reference books piled before her was the only sound in the room apart from Fluttershy’s whimpering.
After a few more endless minutes of rustling and sniffling and sorting and sobbing, Twilight looked up at the assembled group.
“I… I’m sorry,” she said. Tears welled up in her eyes. “It’s open and shut. She isn’t even contesting it. Applejack, even if you hadn’t…” She swallowed hard. “There’s nothing we can do. She… she’ll get the Mirror-Box for this.”
Applejack’s features tightened. She tensed against grim feelings she couldn’t even name.
Rainbow Dash stomped on the floor and gritted her teeth. She half-turned away and hid her head under a trembling wing.
Fluttershy threw herself against Rarity and clung to her as a second wind for sobbing came upon her. Rarity hugged her back as her calm facade quickly crumbled.
• • • •
The largest room in Ponyville’s modest courthouse was packed to the rafters - literally. Pegasi hovered near the thick wooden beams, floating above a sea of filled seats.
The trial had been brief; only a few hours. Pinkie Pie offered no defense, and admitted her guilt without hesitation.
Princess Luna - determined to resume her particular duties now that she was redeemed and rehabilitated - stared down at the little pink mare in the defendant’s booth.
“Considering these grave matters,” she said solemnly, “We have no choice but to mete out the most terrible of punishments.”
The assembled crowd lowered their heads. Luna ignited her horn, and wreathed her head and shoulders in magical shadows until only her horn was visible.
“Pinkamena Diane Pie,” she intoned with a sepulchral edge to her voice, “for knowingly and willingly taking the life of an innocent Pony with malice aforethought, and for attempting to repeat this heinous act upon two foals, We sentence thee to be placed inside the Reflector Macabre and subjected to magical scourging until thou art no more.” She heaved a deep sigh. “May the spirits of our ancestors have mercy on thy soul.”
Pinkie Pie took a silent breath and then nodded, smiling.
“Gosh, I sure hope they will!”
The crowd burst into a fit of murmurs and whispers and gasps.
Near the back, where Twilight and her friends and other associates of the accused had been placed out of courtesy to the Cake family members near the front, Maud Pie shifted in her spot on the long bench and stared down at a rock-candy necklace sitting on her slate-grey lap.
“This is the worst day of my life,” she said.
• • • •
Twilight Sparkle magicked her tangled, unkempt locks out of her face and continued searching through the ash-streaked piles and boxes in the storage room of her huge and barely furnished crystal castle.
“Come on… I know it’s here… Alchemical Glass can hold molten lava. It didn’t burn. It’s here… it’s got to be!”
Spike pulled a stack of charred loose pages and torn books off of a box and then paused with his claws on the edge of the smoke-scented cardboard. He looked over at his caregiver with wide, worried eyes.
“Twilight…?”
Twilight’s wings twitched. She swished her tail. “Not now, Spike. Please, just keep looking.”
Spike squeezed the edge of the box tighter.
“Twilight, it’s time soon. Can’t you hear the crowd? They’re going to-”
“I KNOW WHAT THEY’RE GONNA DO!”
Twilight had wheeled around to face the little Dragon, staring him down and spreading her wings like a hawk about to strike.
Spike cringed against the box; its contents shifted, and a light clink rang out among the softer sounds.
Twilight’s fury softened. She sagged. “I’m sorry, Spike. I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just… this doesn’t add up. I know it doesn’t. I’ve gone over every shred of evidence, every document, and I’m still missing something. And I can’t stand it.”
She magicked the gold-accented potion flask out of the box behind Spike. Its ivory-coloured dregs were thick and clotted with age.
Spike looked up at the bottle. “Uhgh. Is that stuff even still good…?”
Twilight unstoppered the flask and took a sniff. She drew back and grimaced. “I have to try.”
Spike wrung his tail with his claws. His lower lip trembled. “It’s nearly time. Can’t we just… s-say goodbye?”
Twilight’s horn glowed with crackling, seething force. The potion’s contents swirled and sloshed.
“Maybe we won’t have to.”
Twilight put the flask to her lips and slowly tipped it. She allowed one solitary drop of its bitter contents to touch her tongue.
Spike hopped back as Twilight tensed all over and her eyes blazed bright white. That searing glow flickered and strobed intermittently. She staggered. The bottle fell, spilling the last of the potion on the crystal floor.
“Twilight! Are you okay?”
The Alicorn gritted her teeth and stomped her hooves. She thrashed from side to side. A long, pained groan escaped her throat.The potion had the power to turn back centuries in a heartbeat; using it for such fresh postcognition was jarring in the extreme.
“S-Stop…” she moaned. “Please - please don’t!”
“Twilight!” Spike scampered up and pressed his claws against Twilight’s chest. He shook her as much as his strength allowed. “Twilight! Snap out of it!”
Twilight backed away with a wide-eyed gasp. She turned and galloped through the crystal halls. Her hoofbeats echoed in a cacophonous racket. She came to a window and dived.
• • • •
The crowd gathered in the town square was less than half locals; the rest were all recent arrivals.
A low wooden platform had been constructed in the middle of the square, and a heavy silver cabinet sat in the middle of that. The thing was roughly the size and shape of a privy, but its open interior was polished to perfect reflection and scrimshawed with complex arcane patterns.
Pinkie Pie sat next to the Mirror-Box, still restrained. By her side, a light brown Unicorn stallion wearing a heavy black hood and a black robe covering his Cutie Marks stood in silence. His spiraled horn was painted blood-red.
Still gripped by the fragmentary vision and too disoriented to fly, Twilight stumbled through the streets toward the square. She slammed into walls and boxes and fences, and every impact shocked more visions through her head.
“Please don’t cry!” Pinkie pleaded. She hugged Missus Cake close. “You’ll wake Mister Cake and the twins!” The crisis was especially bad this time. The worst Pinkie had seen.
Cup Cake jerked and shuddered in Pinkie’s grasp. She craned her neck to stare at Pinkie with teary, reddened eyes. “What do I care?” she moaned. “They’re not even mine! My poor babies… where are you?”
“Shhhh… It’s not true,” Pinkie crooned as she rocked the older mare. “You know it’s them. You know they’re yours. Just breathe, okie dokie? Just… just take a few breaths, Missus Cake…”
Twilight smacked face-first into a wall; she tasted blood. She groaned, staggered, and then righted herself. She took three strides before her eyes flashed again.
“GET OFF ME!” Cup Cake shrieked a few days later. “THEY’RE MONSTERS! WHY WON’T YOU BELIEVE ME? I NEED TO DO THIS!”
Pinkie held onto Cup for dear life, bouncing on her back while the blue mare kicked and bucked and lunged around the kitchen. They smashed into a table, and a tall jar of sprinkles fell and rolled and spilled.
“NO!” Pinkie shouted. “Please, stop! You can’t!” She strained with all her might, but the elder mare was heavier and slightly stronger. “PLEASE!”
Nearby, the twins splashed and cooed in the filled sink.
Pinkie tightened her grip on Cup’s neck and gritted her teeth…
The speed of the flashbacks’ starts and stops struck Twilight like runaway trains. She tumbled off her hooves and bashed her shoulder on the corner of a public trough. Ahead, the crowd grew louder and a deep, low drumbeat began to play.
Twilight shakily stood, and looked down at the rippling trough-water. She clenched in pain as she watched her eyes glow in her wavering reflection.
Pinkie held the sopping wet twins and sobbed as she rocked back and forth on the floor and listened to Cup’s gurgling and sputtering slowly stop. “Our s-strength is not for h-hurting,” she whimpered. “Our strength is n-not for hurting. Oh, Celestia, our strength is not for hurting...”
Twilight ran into an untended fruit cart with enough force to smash its frame. Produce rained down on top of her. She pulled up out of the mess and skidded on fruit crushed underhoof. The flickers were coming hard and fast, searing through her mind like lightning.
Pinkie set the wet foals down in their crib and plodded toward the door after a brief backward glance at the body on the kitchen floor. She turned the bakery’s sign to CLOSED, and left.
Twilight groaned. Her wings shuddered convulsively.
“Mister Cake couldn’t take it,” Pinkie cooed to the twins as she carefully put them back in the sink. “He’d never forgive himself for not seeing it. He’d never be the same. If you got raised by a Daddy like that, you’d never smile. Not ever. But don’t worry. I’ll f-fix it. I’ll take care of everything. You’ll see.” She kept her front hooves under the babies, supporting them in the water. She tensed as she heard the door creak open and heard Applejack say:
“Pinkie…?”
Blood dripped from Twilight’s nose.
“Trying to drown them? That’s… HORRIBLE!” “It sure is.”
Twilight cried out in pain. He knees gave out. The drumbeat was so close. The crowd was deafening. The potion wrenched her back and forth through past and present. She felt like the force of it would saw her in half.
“It was going to happen eventually.”
The Alicorn screamed; her horn blazed. She rocketed through space instead of time, skipping the teeming masses and flashing into being at the front of the crowd. Her visions finally subsided, and her swimming, disarrayed eyesight strained to focus on the pink blur moving inside the silver blur.
“PINKIE!” Twilight cried out.
“Don’t worry,” said a hoarse, frayed voice from next to Twilight. “She’s getting what’s coming to her.”
Twilight turned to see Carrot Cake, sitting at the front of the crowd and holding his motherless foals. Grief had aged and withered him, but steely, bitter resolve shone in his eyes. A father’s fiercely protective love.
She turned back to focus on Pinkie. The Red Horn was striding in close, taking position next to the Mirror-Box.
“Pinkie!” Twilight shouted again. “I saw it! I saw what happened!”
Pinkie held up a hobbled hoof and shook her head. She looked down into Twilight’s eyes, gave a serene smile, and then silently mouthed: “This is for-”
The Red Horn glowed, and pointed at the box. The polished door swung shut and clasped itself.
Twilight stared in horror as the executioner fired a bolt of crimson magic into an indentation on the side of the Mirror-Box. The beam ricocheted a million times inside the shiny and warded space, multiplying the force of the magic by orders of magnitude.
The door swung open again moments later, and a gust of superheated air that smelled of smoke and brimstone wafted out from the utterly empty interior.
Twilight’s lower lip quivered. Tears streaked her cheeks. She looked at Mister Cake, cradling his babies with untainted, grief-sharpened love.
She turned and looked at the now silent crowd and their hard, saddened eyes. The grim stare of witnesses to closure and justice. She saw her friends among them. For them, the nightmare was over.
She turned back to the vacant Mirror-Box and then hung her head. She heaved a shuddering sigh, and whispered:
“This is f-for the best…”
THE END
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Well that was heartbreaking.
I... I can't give this an upvote, but its too well written to deserve a downvote. I hated the story, but, it was so well written. Thanks for depressing me for the rest of the day
. Please continue to write such masterful work. 
That's our Saddlesoap, smashing hearts and taking names. Excellent job.
Well shit.
gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/05/sad-crying-gif.gif
Well, that happened. Given who Pinkie is, she could no other.....no matter what the cost.
Dark Pinkie without breaking character? Well... not quite. But very, very close. 'course, in situations like this, character is rather subjectively interpretive. Not the way I would have seen Pinkie handling it, but still well written.
I knew when I took the challenge of "re-doing" Cupcakes, it wouldn't be everypony's cup of tea, so to speak.
I did my best to give a fresh look to an infamous story, and from the looks of the generally positive (if shaken) content of the comments versus the barely-breaking-even status of the votes, a fair number of readers are hammering the red button before they even read a page. Pity.
Those of you who either dislike dark fics and wisely turned tail at the front door, or who gave this story an actual chance and saw that it was not just more in the same vein as the gleeful and heedless splatterfest that inspired it... I appreciate it.
Here's hoping the contest judges give it a fair shake as well...
Won't be reading this right away but I'll be sure to come back to this :)
Wow. Nobody's put a twist ending like that on a story like this before. It's really just... wow. Great job.
Wow. That was amazing.
I'm going to be very honest here.
When I first read the story, I absolutely loved everything you were doing. Even though Pinkie's confession was pretty cut and dry, I felt the same as Twilight: This didn't feel right. Something was off. I thought using the potion was a pretty great touch. I really liked that you used the one thing for Mrs. Cake. When I realized that's what had been going on, I just kinda sat there for a moment. It was brilliant.
Then the ending happened.
It was one of the most unsatisfying endings I've ever read. I was pretty upset. I think I used the word 'garbage' at some point.
But the story leading up to that point had been so good. It couldn't be that the story just pooped itself, right? So I poked around to see what other judges thought. Turns out they also thought the ending was unsatisfying, but they had also come to the conclusion that the "satisfying" ending, Twilight saving Pinkie, would have been super cheesy and wouldn't have fit with what the story wanted to do.
So I thought about it for a couple days before reading the story again.
That time, even though I still found the ending entirely unsatisfying, I thought it was fitting.
So, in the end, I really, really enjoyed this. This was in my own top three, which was pretty far from what my initial gut reaction wanted it to be. Great stuff.
As a side note, it was pretty cool to see old names like you and Patchwork write new things again. It had been nearly two years for you and more than two years for Patchwork since you'd published a new thing.
5687754 I agree with most of this, this was a captivating and well written story. The twist especially was great, not something I'd seen before!
Except that I really don't think the ending was fitting or well done at all, even within the context of this story. An ending where Twilight saved Pinkie might seem cheesy, but at least it wouldn't have been as utterly contrived and dumbly frustrating as the ending we did get. As opposed to making the previous drama more impactful, the ending just seemed to make the rest of the story ring hollow, it made the story seem pointless and I no longer cared about what had happened. It wasn't half as clever as the twist was, it felt like a very cookie cutter downer ending.
But writing an ending is difficult no matter how good you are, so I suppose it better to have a good story with a less good ending than nothing at all.
5687817
That was the whole point, I felt. It was never meant to have a happy ending. "It was for the best," after all. And it wasn't that the story wanted to convince you it was for the best. No, it wanted to convince you that Pinkie thought it was for the best and that there was no other solution. To drive that point home, she wanted to make sure she was punished for her actions. What punishment is more extreme than execution? So in that regard, the ending was pretty consistent in driving that main point home.
At the end of the day, though, I can see why others might not like it. It was pretty polarizing among the judges. Nearly every judge ranked it highly or lowly. There was very little middle ground.
5687869 Haha, sorry if I seemed a little short in that comment. Not that I mean to convince anyone what they should feel about the ending, but let me clarify what I meant a little bit.
I didn't mean it felt hollow in the sense that "Pinkie has committed herself to this terrifying solution and that resulted in a huge charade of pointless death meant to fix things."
I meant it like it made the story feel less real, like the props fell down and the paint cracked and the show came to an awkward halt. It really shattered the immersion of the story for me. Like when something really cliche happens in a story and it makes everything around it feel that much more fake and unimportant.
5687869 5687817 5687754
I appreciate the responses!
Basically, you're correct about the ending. It's meant to be a cruel, downbeat, gut-punch ending that makes the reader feel like they are in Twilight's shoes - trapped with an understanding of the hopeless debacle Pinkie had found herself embroiled in. Aware, but not remotely soothed by the knowledge.
I was told by the contest rules that we weren't supposed to do a cheery "fix-fic" or wildly differ in tone, and Cupcakes does NOT avoid death with a daring rescue. It's a dark-ass story with brutal content.
So, BAD END seemed to be the order of the day. I just tried to make as plausible a rationale for Pinkie the Murderer as I could. Also, the whole idea that Pinkie's plan works the way she intended after she follows her own warped but internally consistent logic is basically how she plays out in the show. Pinkie does as Pinkie does, and everypony else is left bewildered. This was like the Parasprites scenario, reflected in a glass very, very, very darkly.
Regardless, I'm not surprised it was strongly polarizing, and I am very grateful to folks who gave it a chance and saw it as it was intended to be seen. This was a spicy, spicy pepper to consume, and not everyone wants to get their tongue burned. And that's totally understandable and fair. But yes, it was indeed supposed to sting like that.
Regardless, I am thrilled to have made the top 10, most certainly! Huzzah! : )
...I legitimately don't understand the twist. I've read the section a few times, and I don't get what you're implying. Maybe I'm dumb. Either way, I'm just left with confusion, which isn't good because I'm pretty sure this would be a great story if I understood it.
5687926
I see what you mean, but I didn't see it at all, if that makes any sense.
5687934
You mean when Mrs. Cake wanted to drown her kids?
5688032 ...Oh, huh. That's quite the interesting article there.
Well, I learned something today. Great story.
Hey, I wrote a review for this story. It can be found here.
I really didn't care for the story. I loved the beginning, it was very atmospheric, but there are enough issues that by the end, I had lost interest.
That was a good story. It really was a sad ending though but hell I liked it for what it was.
I liked it. Especially the PoVs, very immersive. Wasn't really a fan of the ending, with them now dragging her name through the mud (where's the justice in that), but it's better than a cheesy one where she's miraculous saved last minute. Still, I've would've preferred it more if Twilight proved what actually happened once the deed was done.
"Wow" isn't a good enough descriptor of how much I enjoyed this story. My knees felt physically weak after reading it, and the feeling didn't disappear when I reread it immediately after for some clarity. Such a beautiful, tragic twist. Easily in my top three favorite stories in the contest at the moment.
The closest thing I have to a complaint is that Maud's comment somewhat disrupted the mood of the story. It's perfectly in character, but it ends up feeling more comedic than saddening (though truthfully I'm not sure what the intent of those lines were). That's probably just on me though.
You bulldozed through my expectations for the Cupcakes prompt SSO and I'm glad to see you releasing stories again.
I read this and I didn't get it.
The writing has all the elements to setup a tragic story of how Pinkie Pie comes to the conclusion to kill due to tragic circumstances and the sad ending fits. But what is missing is the clarifying reveal that shows the actual tragic situation that lead to the events.
I did not understand what Pinkie Pie's motivation here is. It is not that I disagree with it, I flat out didn't understand what she was thinking or what made her think like this. And that is a key aspect to a story of this kind: knowing why.
It took me rereading the reveal scene to get what happened. Somehow the writing just wasn't clear enough to make me realize what was happening. Part of the problem is that the reveal was so short. I barely registered that there was more happening than the first time.
An unrelated problem with the story is how the court scene is glanced over. It leaves a large plot hole to assume that the court didn't ask for more details. An obvious problem is the fact that Pinkie choose to represent herself. As a reader one can assume that it was for some reason. But the story isn't complete without addressing this fact in more detail. Pinkie's friends, especially Twilight, would be very curious about the decision.
The final last minute reveal is certainly dramatic and the conclusion of being too late fits the tone of the story. But it leaves a plothole of why it is a last minute effort of Twilight.
Overall, the story is nice, but it has problems that ruins the great tone it sets.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Qaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” story was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
Ehh... No. Not doing it for me. I liked the premise and atmosphere you had going, but there were too many flaws for me to ignore. Aside from the unsatisfying ending, which others have already commented on, the whole thing felt a little rushed, particular highlights of this being both the court scene and funeral scene. So much is glossed over.
And this opens several plot holes as well, particularly the way that crime works in this world.
The idea of an Equestria that has only ever had five murders in recorded history is already a really hard sell that no attempt was made to justify. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it's patently absurd. Unless Equestria has a very different definition of what constitutes a murder, then there's no way there'd be that few of them, what with crimes of passion, psychotic episodes, possible magical corruption by outside entities, and even if premeditated murder for selfish reasons simply isn't in pony nature, Equestria is still a multi-cultural nation which is also home to many other species, including plenty of carnivores. Or does it not count if a dragon or a griffon kills someone?
But then I'm expected to buy that Mrs. Cake of all ponies would've been one of the few to cross that line? Why? Assuming there really has been at most only five others in history who ever murdered anyone, including her own killer, then it must've been some truly exceptional circumstances that led her to attempt murder. Did she somehow develop a completely unique mental illness with no obvious cause? That's the only even remotely plausible explanation that I can think of. Anything else would be both even more absurd and incredibly out of character.
And then there's the matter of why a nation that has experienced only five murders in its thousand years of history would ever have capital punishment. I don't even want to think about how many murders must occur in America every year, but America has still abolished the death penalty in eighteen states. So how does a nation as apparently peaceful and utopian as Equestria justify the existence of state executions?
I'm confused.
So in conclusion, no, I did not like it. There was definitely a good story at the core of this, but I can't ignore the layer of nonsensicality that was added by some of these world details and the way that they're glossed over. Fortunately, if you're ever willing to revise this story, my main complaints are real easy fixes, and with just some small alterations, I'd have given this a far better rating, even with the ending.
I actually like the premise in that dark sort of way. To Pinkie the only way the town could move on and be happy eventually was to believe that she was a true killer. In her mind the idea of the actual killer would tear everybody apart even worse and would completely fracture the family that she loved so much in the remaining Cakes.
If this was not designed as a one shot this could have been made with a potentially satisfying (and non-cheesy) ending but that would take a lot more than the contest would allow (and I agree the contest would desire a darker ending). So for what you were writing for this is very well done.
It was for the best indeed. Great story!
5688032
Oh, it really is that simple.
So it really was all a misunderstanding, Pinkie included. That's...
Man, the work 'grimdark' doesn't get used as a compliment near enough.
5734989
It's not exactly unique. I thought it was a pretty clever use of an actual mental disease. It's one of the big reasons I had it 3rd on my list when judging the contest.
5736848
Maybe it's not unique in the real world, but if this fic purports that Mrs. Cake was suffering from an at least semi-common condition, then why has almost no other mother in Equestrian history ever attempted to do the same thing that she did? Unless they have, and Equestrian doctors are just super competent at spotting that sort of thing and stopping it before it happens, in which case I have to wonder what made Mrs. Cake's doctor so negligent compared to the standard.
That's the main problem with murder in this setting being such an incredibly rare thing - it means that something completely out of the ordinary must have happened to cause it in this case. Mrs. Cake's psychosis being a completely unique thing in Equestria is the explanation I default to because it's the least absurd, but no matter what, it's still terribly contrived.
Why did Pinkie leave the twins in the sink?
Overall a very good story even it doesn't make that much sense. Really cool to see Alicorn Twilight use her authority though.
Dear God this feels so right for some reason, especially the ending. That's all that I can say. It gives me feelings of rightness; completion; finality; sacrifice; secrecy; and righteous, vindicated, victory filled with sadness and right.
Pinkie did the 'right' thing, even if it was not the best or wisest. You have to compliment her, and therefore the author, on Pinkie Pie's choice and creative plan. I don't know about anyone else but I didn't see the part about her taking it all on herself to protect Mr. Cake and the twins from the truth, even when the reason she killed Mrs. Cake was given. I was just too stunned for some reason, even though that was not surprising, and I couldn't figure out why she would kill the twins until she wasn't... I can't believe how slow I was. All the same I still like this a lot
Wonderful plot twist and what I feel is a good story.
Edit 32 weeks and 4 hours later: What the heck was I thinking? Ugh... it was the music I was listening to wasn't it? Ugh... gotta stop doing that!
Self sacrifice is nice sometimes, but it was not truly necessary here, and in fact was a bit foolish...
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She had them in the sink so it could look like she was drowning them, even though she really wasn't. That way she would be branded a murder and she wouldn't have to explain why she killed Mrs. Cake but not the babies. She could look like a real psycho or look like a more realistic psycho if she also 'tried to kill the babies,' and no one would ask and no one, especially Mr. Cake would be any wiser to the truth, that Mrs. Cake was the one with severe mental health issues. Like Pinkie said, he would never forgive himself for not seeing this coming. Also, how would the twins feel when they found out that their own mother was going to kill them because she was unstable. And then when they made the realization that the only reason that they were alive was because Pinkie killed her before she could kill them. Would they ever be able to look at her like normal again, especially since Pinkie was also the reason that their dad wasn't happy (she killed his wife, and reviled the truth that Cup Cake was 'crazy.' So even though she may not be at fault, it might be difficult to not see it that way if it happened to you. And no I don't mean you the person I am reply to specifically).
5738380
Ah ok that makes sense now!
They will, Pinkie. They will.
5540891 I suggest making a bookshelf for this kind of thing. There are stories too horrible to like and too sad to enjoy, but they should be remembered anyways.
Wow, that was not what I expected!
Now I'm feelin meh feelz again!
Finally got around to reading this, and man, I have to say, I thought the ending fit perfectly. The original cupcakes was perhaps the biggest shit-drizzle to ever stain FiM fanfiction. Your re-imagining of the story was amazing.
Can anyone explain the twist to me?
Dear SaddlesoapOpera,
I'm not sure I can adequately convey how spectacular this tale of yours is to me.
You've done something that I truly am in awe of you for: you've made a grimdark in which Pinkie is both the psychotic villain and the hero. You've given her a more powerful character than most grimdarks featuring her have, and this by killing her off in an act that, to all but one, will be viewed as righteous execution for attempted cold-blooded murder.
Simple, unparalleled brilliance. This is easily one of my top-ranked fics for that. You sir, are one hell of a good storyteller.
AIP§
Very nice. I love how your story blatently poked fun at the absuridy of the original's premise-- mostly, the mention that there have only been five recorded murders in Equestria's history.
I...there are no words. Bravo sir just bravo.
5738380
You make no sense at all what the fuck are you saying? all i am getting from this is even though pinkie's intentions were good they would still see her as bad and that you should understand that if you were in that situation. um fuck no! I would understand but i wont hold a damn grudge! in fact i would be grateful that because of it i am still alive!
I...need to wait a half-hour to let all this amazingness sink in, then read a comedy.
5955047 Which comment are you replying to?
If it's the first one, then I edited it to include some... uh... corrections in a way... and why...
6564984
My comment is so old that i dont remember sorry. :(
5743709
Mrs. Cake was highly mentally unstable. She went nuts and tried to kill the twins, and Pinkie stopped her... by killing her. Pinkie pretended to be the killer so everyone else wouldn't have to live with knowing about Cup's insanity.
Being just too late to save Pinkie is just as cheesy as being just in time to save her would have been.
Full review here, but in brief: fascinating and even chilling, but maybe a bit contrived for Equestria. Still a like, though, for doing something interesting with a terrible premise.
8775278
Thanks for the comment and review -- feedback is always appreciated!
It was a difficult prompt to work with, I'll admit. We were explicitly banned from making "fix fics" that violated the spirit of the original in some foundational way, so I couldn't have had a "good" ending to this grim little tale. That said, time-pressure did make things rush a little more than they probably could have. A little more breathing room for me AND the narrative would likely have produced a better final draft.
Regardless, as I said, it's great to get level-headed and well thought-out reviews. Cheers!
8776052
You're welcome. It occurs to me that this is a problem with most "in the moment" fics written either for a specific contest or in response to something else: someone reading them several years later may not know (or even care) about their context. This one does stand alone, I think, and I don't think I'd have liked it more with a happy ending. The existence of judicial execution in Equestria, even in the circumstances, is a real stretch for me -- that's what I meant in my review about not being American, as the concept is alien to me in real life, too. (But then you're not from the US either, so maybe that isn't it. I don't know.)