• Member Since 25th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen 15 hours ago

FloydienSlip


All mixed up

T

Lyra has always thought that humans are real, or were. When something crashes in the Everfree, she discovers that she is horribly right.

My entry for The More Most Dangerous Game contest.

Much thanks to Belligerent Sock.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 18 )

*Puts on sunglasses* Well I guess you could say this story was...

Chilling

This is amazing. And so very, very human.

Nice tension and ending you've got there. An enjoyable read, if a little purplish in a few instances. :rainbowwild:

At least sense prevailed here

Congrats, you won the Derpy plushie!

A very dark and tragic ride, and a very horrible way for Lyra to meet humans. Well done.

And welcome to Tag-A-Long's Book Club

i.imgur.com/BF6x9JM.png

A fascinating read. Good story...a keeper in my collection of Lyra stories.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I kinda feel like there wasn't enough to this, but I don't have any real suggestions.

At first I didn't understand the significance of An History of War in Equestria. It didn't seem very related to the rest of the story. Now that I think about it though, it does a good job of setting up how old Equestria is (somewhat foreshadowing that the world is actually even older) and illustrating how ponies are now a peaceful, innocent race race, which juxtaposes very well with the murder at the end.

“So that machine was yours? The one that exploded?” I ask.

The two brothers look at each other and then turn to me. “You mean our ship?” asks the second one.

“That wasn’t a ship,” I say. “Ships are great wooden structures that travel across water.”

Given the conversation above, I don't think it makes much sense for Lyra to refer to the spaceship as a "ship" when she first finds it:

There’s a dull gonging noise when I strike the ship with a hoof.

Various pieces of something hit the outside of the ship and smoke fills the interior.

I think the spaceship could also use a little more detail. Is it like a space shuttle, or a flying saucer, or some other distinct shape? The descriptions aren't very helpful beyond explaining that it's big and made of metal.

Another issue I had was with how easily the second human killed his brother. I mean, yeah, if his brother did succeed in contacting their home planet, the consequences would be dire, but he barely even tried to convince him. The whole conversation and consequent murder felt rather rushed.

The concept is good, but I find the climax to be too heavy-handed to be enjoyable.

5854836 Thanks for the comment. I'm actually in the middle of cleaning up and rewriting parts of this story, so believe me when I say that the help is much appreciated.

5856153
Hope it was useful. Let me know when you're finished rewriting it!

Okay, I have to ask: is 'An History of War in Equestria' an intentional misspelling?

It seemed a bit too specific be be sure it was just an a/an mixup.

6434066 It's a subtle way of showing just how old that book is. I'm a real stickler for grammar (or, well, I try to be), but the one rule I hate is that, technically, the indefinite article before a word beginning with "h" has to be "an." Nowadays, you don't really hear it as much, but it used to be the standard. 5854836 has got it.

6434486 Huh, that's a rule? I was taught to use 'an' before an vowel sound, and that's all. H's were only an issue because some are pronounced and some are not. I had no idea there was once a rule for that!

I absolutely love Lyra here, but the humans... Too cliche.

The "good" brother environmentalist and the "evil" brother? No, I'm sorry, it's wrong. So much is wrong there.

How was the "Evil" brother to contact the rest of us? The ship was destroyed. Maybe he could cobble the remains into a functioning transmitter, maybe not. Either way, most of our planes are currently equipped with ELB's, Emergency Locator Beacons. These are specifically designed to withstand the force of a supersonic impact, endure the heat of a two hour fire, and send locator pulses for a month. And that's with TODAY's technology.

And even then, how has the human race changed in the six millennia we've been gone? Have we become more docile, more fierce, more oppurtunistic, more cautious? Or have we not changed at all, despite being forced from the only environment we've known for millions of years , forced into the infinity of space?

Beyound that? Why has the "Good" brother decided that he should murder his brother over an alien globe? Is he willing to bet his life, the life of someone he loves, and the hope of meeting a new species over a globe? I get that he knows what we can be like, and the morals of protecting an innocent species from our need to expand and control, but he has nowhere near enough information to decide that this is indeed their ancient planet, the new native species has done a "better" job taking care of it, and that the return of his people will bring ruin.

I get the message of the story, or at least I think I do. The differences between us and the ponies, the horrors we might see others commit being perfectly natural to others...

But the ending took me completely out of the story, shattered my immersion.

This isn't how we act, or anyone would.

that's dark...

Oh my god, this was amazing!

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