I saw the signs. I saw the proof. I should have acted, swallowed my pride, told Celestia it was all my fault. But I was scared. Scared for my title, my freedom. If I wasn't so selfish, Fluttershy would be here with us. But she's not. I stare at the blood sucking creature with her face, and yet not her face. What monster have I allowed to flourish? I feel guilt. I have cost countless ponies lives. Fluttershy included. I have no voice, but I must scream. No one knows I am responsible, but I keep hearing the same sentence over and over again.
Why did you keep hush, Twilight Sparkle?
And to be honest, I don't know.
Chapters (1)
8232547
Good! I'm glad I got the reaction I wanted.
And while I was writing this story, for MONTHS I might add, I kept on crying as well. I feel you. *Hugs*
8232583
I don't know why I wrote this. I guess I just wanted to ask the question what if Flutterbat came back but with a darker intention. Was it good?
8232587
It's a good short story even if you don't expand on this I'm satisfied
8232589
What do you mean by expand? If you mean write sequels, I might let a different author write on it.
Death to all stupid Twilight's!
8232613
Yeah.
Anyway, was there anything in particular you liked about the story?
8232616
That she died because she wasn't honest?
8232616
Applejack would disapprove if she was still alive!
Oh wait and it's your fault that she isn't alive anymore.
Does that burn Twilight?
8232887
Yeah I kinda went the irony theme.
ND yes, that does burn twilight.
Before she got eaten alive.
..... Meh. It was okay, but something was off. The story felt rushed.
8232960
...I spent months on it.
How could I make it longer?
8233131
Well I guess you should slow the pacing and space your lines so it's less of a jumbled mess. You should also use comas more.
8233152
Fuck commas.
Isn't the spacing good?
Story wise though, isn't it good?
8233178
Story wise... I'm going to say its above average. It's not amazing, but it's better than moderate. Story wise 8.5/10.
Wicked.
I approve
8234045
Yay! Glad you like. I know, probably should have saved it for Nightmare Night, but I couldn't resist.
My personal ratings:
-Spacing: 10/10
-Grammar: 9.75/10
-Punctuation: 8/10
-Story: 11/10
Short, tense and straight to the point, so, nicely done. Of course, this might have been a longer story with more details on the tests, the victims and so on, but you handled the pacing well, so this retrospective approach works pretty good and might lead to a few tear-stained cheeks.
Grammar and spelling-wise it was good as well, with the only recurring issue being the lack of commas after a dialogue tag that precedes a direct speech. It’s a minor thing, but something a trained eye fails to not notice.
Still, thank you for this read!
Good stuff, You get an upvote from me.
I do see some issues with this.
PM if you're interested.
Not being coy, I don't know if you want to discuss this here or someplace else.
I see...
Pretty good story. Makes one wonder what Ponyville looks like now after Flutterbat painted the town red.
Oh dear...I think I can see what's going to happen
.
The monster in the skin of the kindest of them all...
Once an Angel of Kindness...now a Demon of Cruelty
.
Where it all started...
.
Nothing can cure what was given to a pony so innocent...only the sweet embrace of death
.
And so much blood would not have been spilled
.
Each day it got worse and worse...the demon slowly eating away at the angel...robbing her of her purity and light...leaving only depravity and darkness
.
It's getting worse...
.
Why did you not get help from the Goddess of the Sun to help extract the Demon of Cruelty from the Angel of Kindness
?
So many victims...with the very one being the suggester of it
.
The end is near for you Twilight...
.
And so the Demon of Cruelty exacts her revenge on the Goddess of Sorcery...
...
9996937
Wow. You're such an English teacher, showing all this symbolism! XD no but seriously, thank you so much!!!
9996940
.
I actually listened to an audio reading of this on youtube, by someone going by the username of Sparrow9642
9996947
Oh yeah! Ha I am still surprised that someone did an audia reading of my story.
9996949
.
I'm surprised that I managed to find the one who wrote it, quite the pleasant surprise indeed
Oh. Ohhh. Ohh my gosh. That was tough to read.
Her memories were captured very nicely. All of it was there: her guilt, her fear, another chunk of guilt... and, yes, the gore. Some terrible topics, but, again, very nicely done.
This was an incredibly thought-provoking story, and I'll admit to tears while reading. Great work here; I'll certainly be reading again.
Also, because I have to,
I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream...
10023519
OMG thank you so much, I am flattered by your comment. Thank you once again!
Also, xD oh yes I do know of that.
The errors were a little annoying, but maybe that's just because I couldn't ignore them. Other than that I liked the plot and that ending. It felt pretty rushed, though. Would've been "nice" to read into some of the ways she went about eating the others.
Also, why'd they provide her an otter?
10970032
confession, this was written quite awhile ago, so I kind of haven't touched this story. but rereading it, I had a concept I was going for, I just didn't execute it well. If you think I should rewrite it, I think I will since I have people STILL commenting on it lol.
Also they gave her an otter because they're like she needs to eat, but we can't really give her ponies... fuck it, animal it is! *yeet*
10970084
I think you should rewrite it if you want to and get the chance. At least flesh it out to add horrific scenes of the victims' deaths. Maybe have Fluttershy act odd during tests, but Twilight ignores it for the sake of continuing her experiments. Or ponies go missing and-
I'm gonna stop here. I have a few ideas but it's your call.
10971218
I gladly take any and all ideas. I'm always open to improving myself.