Twilight is acting strange. Her friends have barely seen her around. Fluttershy, caring too much about her old friend to go on any longer without her, goes to Twilight’s house to see what happened to her. But what she finds is too much to handle, and she can’t seem to accept this new information. Fluttershy saw something she wasn’t supposed to see, and Twilight has an offer for her.
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Ah yes, the mirror pool, a literary goldmine for story prompts of the philosophical and unsettling varieties.
Makes me wonder how the story would have been if it was told from Twilight's perspective while she was slowly losing her form and realizing she needed to consume magic to keep going.
Could make for an interesting tragedy, imagine a selfless clone trying to secretly find a way to bring the original out of the pool, making more drastic "sacrifices' of morality to stay alive at the expense of those around her to get the job done. Unfortunately there is no way to save the original. In her despair her mind slowly withers away until the base needs of self preservation take over and what remains is a predatory magic leech that needs to be put down by her own friends.
deeply fucked up! I love it
You realize of course this needs a prequel from the Twilights' POV
fun idea for a sequel, rarity actually lives after bein pushed out of the wrong hole, but with no magic and helps them figure a way to do the magic feeding in a less terrifying way
Yowza, very effective.
Also...
11808189
you are a very bad pony and should feel very bad for that suggestion. but i suspect that you will feel good about feeling bad, and that is bad, too.
11808080
Thank you!!! That is such an emotionally devastating idea, I love it!!! I only had this idea for a one shot, but there’s sooo much opportunity here to expand. Especially if I want to go for an “apocalypse” route like the TikToks 👀
11808431
Thank you!!! I’m glad you thought it was effective!! I don’t usually write horror so this was a first for me :D
11808114
You’re not the first one to suggest that!! Writing this story certainly made me realize just how interesting each perspective could be in this story ✨
11808090
Thank you thank you thank you!!! I’m here to give all the angst and sadness and I’m glad it worked for you!! I reached the right audience lolll
Quite good
A fate worst than death, being replaced by a copy with your memories but with a completely different mindset and body functions that requires magic instead of food. And I thought stories where Twilight gets torn from limb to limb was already bad enough, imagine someone using your face to make everyone you were close by viewing you differently, viewing you as a monster, and to make matters worse, Twilight has a crush on Fluttershy but never even got the chance to confess her feelings for herself!
Welp anyways, good story though, I seen similar stories to this, a unique concept but very dark but that's what happens when you let curiosity get the best of you and I can't really blame anyone but myself. :/
On the plus side I let my curiosity get the best of my several times, you can only have so much empathy for fictional characters after so many times.
Although this story could make an interesting sequel.
From a technical perspective, I'd implore you to stop writing stuff like "the lavender unicorn" or "the yellow pegasus". In FiM literary circles this practice is known as "LUS" or "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome" and it's an extremely common prose-smell. Twilight's colour or the fact that she's a unicorn doesn't really convey any new information, so repeating it just becomes bothersome to read. The common aphorism is that "you cannot use a character's name too much". This is, of course, not universally true, repeating it too many times in a paragraph is just as annoying, but then you can just use he or she (or even they) and avoid the repetition.
This obviously doesn't ruin your story or anything, but it makes it look much more amateurish than it really is. Because, otherwise, you've done quite a nice job with the descriptions. I like the little touches, like Fluttershy hiding behind her mane or the description of Mirror Twilight after she decomposes even more. These things show clearly that you put effort into this fic.
As for the actual narrative itself, it's mostly quite nice! I really like the concept of Mirror Twi having to eat magic. It's unique and very alien compared to ponies without deviating too hard from canon. The creeping dread as Flutters realises something is wrong with her friend was also done nicely, along with the rattlesnake allusion and Pinkie's comments about Twilight's smile. The climax of the tension building with Owliscious was done well too. It explains what happens, but in a way that leaves a lot of uncertainty.
However, and I'm sorry to say, the ending of the story really soured the mood. The way Mirror Twi convinces Fluttershy fell completely flat on me. I understand the intent, people do rash stuff when they're heartbroken, nothing wrong with the base concept. However, if a monster wearing the skin of my love waltzed into my home, threatened the beings I spent my whole life protecting and nurturing, while also trying to convince me to join her practically murdering others, I don't think my reaction would be "hell yeah, this is better than nothing". It'd more likely be one of terror, grief and probably strong rage that whatever this creature is, it dared offer such a disgustingly manipulative thing. Especially since we're talking about Fluttershy, who nearly beat up a dragon when it threatened her friends.
I'd understand this sort of outcome, if she was somehow possessed or corrupted or whatever, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Mirror Twi doesn't really do anything she hasn't before in that scene and the fic never establishes her being able to so such stuff, so I must assume Fluttershy accepted out of her free will to be the accomplice of the T-rated murder of Rarity, without even an attempt to make sure the monster wasn't just BS-ing or trying to lower her guard. And that for me is completely incongruous with her character.
11808718
Thank you smmmm!!! :D
11808741
Thank you!!! I’m glad the psychological horror of the situation I wrote was effective and tragic!!! This is why I write happy ship fics more often lol, it’s hard to see everypony end up sad or dead but it’s also soooooo interesting aaaaaaaaa
11808859
Thank you so much for reviewing my story!!! You’ve given me a lot to think about when it comes to improving my writing, I love getting constructive criticism that actually makes me think about improving my style! I agree that I could’ve drawn out the conversation between fake twilight and fluttershy a bit more, maybe shown more of how fake twilight convinced Fluttershy. I tried to include some of that at the end, where we see that Fluttershy looks a bit duller, like fake twilight, has been feeding off of her magic very subtly and leaving her as a shell of herself but I could’ve made that a bit more clear, especially in their first interaction.
I also can agree that I tended to lean on descriptions of characters (Lavender Unicorn) more than their names, especially when there was more than one character in a scene that had the same pronouns. I could definitely dial back on it in future writings. However, I do feel like it doesn’t hurt to include that once in the story, Or even sparingly. Since I also posted this Fic on AO3, and some people read it, who didn’t know much about my little pony, the slight descriptions did help them picture the characters better, especially at the end, when I had to differentiate between rarity and twilight, since they were both unicorns.
Overall though, I’m really happy that I attracted the attention of a reviewer and I’m glad you mentioned things that you did like in my story. That makes me feel really good about it!!!! ✨✨✨✨
Really loved this. I wish there was a little more explanation for why Fluttershy went off the deep end to keep this new Twilight at the sacrifice of her other friend(s), but either way, great job.
11812531
Thanks!!! I certainly could’ve expanded the story a bit more, you’re right about that. But I’m glad you liked it!!
Nice story, though confused as to why Fluttershy chose to sacrifice her friends rather then try to save the real Twilight. Still, is it alright if I narrate this story on my YouTube channel?
11815415
Thank you so much, having a dramatic reading of my story would be awesome!!! Just make sure to credit me of course!!! And to answer your question, Twilight being trapped in the Mirror Pool basically means she could be gone. After all, where did all the Pinkie clones go when Twilight sent them away? Do they even exist anymore?
11817925
Thank you so much and I will make sure to do that.
Pretty interesting story. So unlike the canon episode, Twilight ends up trapped in the pool. But when I read that, my reaction was "wait, so...she drowned, right?", because honestly, that's the most logical explanation to me.
Even though the last part felt a bit rushed, I can understand Fluttershy a bit. But wouldn't it be better if Fluttershy didn't actually know that the creature murders ponies? Like, have mirror Twi just tell her she needs a bit of their magic and just play FS's naivety a bit. At least, imo, it would make more sense for Fluttershy accepting so easily to give Rarity to the fake Twilight.
11865844
Those are good points! Yes, the ending is rushed. That’s my biggest mistake with this story. I’ve thought about rewriting it someday to make that section longer. And everyone seems to assume that Rarity died in the end, but Mirror Twi feeds on magic, not ponies. Where does that leave Rarity?