Fanfic Reviews – Even More Most Dangerous Edition · 3:51am Mar 8th, 2015
The More Most Dangerous finalists, to be perfectly honest, didn't contain many fics I was willing to drop everything to go read. Not that they sounded bad, but many seemed like the kind of thing I don't tend to read.
Luckily, InquisitorM had the great idea of reviewing alternate finalists. So, check him out for the odd fics (3 of which are already up), while I tackle the even ones below, namely:
Life in the Wasteland
The Cup-Cake Killer
Second Singularity
Happy Birthday, Dear Twilight
A Diamond and a Tether
As a reminder, scores are on a 0~10 scale, with below 3 being where I dislike a fic, and above 8 where I can say I actually like it.
NorsePony – Life in the Wasteland – Adventure – Fallout: Equestria Prompt (10th place)
After the apocalypse, ponies must conquer the wasteland.
This story feels very clunky. While there are lots of clever ideas sprinkled throughout the fic, they get lost amidst a sea of problems, chiefly excessive exposition. The fic is extremely telly, and while some of that works, you also have stuff like this:
Two hundred years ago, the End destroyed the world. Ten miles of Equestria had survived, protected by our princesses and the Shield their combined power made possible. Thousands of soldiers, researchers, civilians, and prisoners of war were inside the Shield when it went up. When it came down a hundred years later, the survivors and their children learned that the rest of the world had been transformed into the Wasteland. The slowly-starving Equestrian population was trapped by the dead, unfarmable terrain and the predatory creatures which roamed it.
The best scientific minds in Equestria had survived inside the Shield, but they needed a decade to make the discoveries and develop the theories which described the packages of concentrated magic that became known as Seeds. Afterward, it took the Princesses only days to create the first Seed and fly with it into the Wasteland. And the Wasteland began receding, slowly, grudgingly. It fell back, inch by inch, giving Equestria land to restore into soil and plant with food.
The Princesses carried the Seeds for fifty years, until the distances were too great for them to return safely in a day, for the Wasteland at night was a terror and they knew Equestria could not afford to lose them. That was when the Princesses created the first squad, thirteen brave souls who ventured out to carry on the fight.
There are eight squads now. Someday, there will be more. And we are the ones who fight the Wasteland.
It is the kind of thing fitting a summary, or maybe a Prologue, but that appears early during chapter one, in a separate scene which interrupts a tense encounter between Equestrian forces and a group of Changelings. It isn’t particularly relevant to the action – it is not like the objective of the pony squadron we are following matters during the battle – and could have been added essentially anywhere else during the narrative, or more adequately, spread out throughout the narrative. While that is the most egregious example, there are lots of instances of just that, whole scenes which serve only for the writer to explain his world.
There is also an issue with focus, that is tied closely to some weird paragraph spacing. It is very inconsistent, and while the story is certainly centered on Shepherd, sometimes it stops for long asides that feel like they are being shown from other character’s perspectives, yet still through his eyes? Sometimes that is coupled with additional paragraph spacing, others without, and sometimes the paragraphs split without anything feeling different. I am not sure about the intended effect, or even it it was actually a mistake. Paragraphs, in fact, are an issue overall, with them often containing way too many ideas jumbled together, to the point of loss of clarity.
Right from the beginning, the idea of the story is clear: This is the past, not the future. It is a neat concept, but its presentation lacked subtlety. It is okay to imply that Celestia’s Sun isn’t the original Sun, but when you start talking about a new conical mountain near the Equestrian plains that was created by the cataclysm, and also has caves filled with crystals, I don’t really see the point in pretending this is a secret. I mean, the author outright states the truth on the ending author's note! It inhabits an uncanny valley between clarity and obfuscation, and it bothered me quite a bit.
And that is a shame, because there are some very good ideas here. I particularly like how the fic describes magic through the story, tying certain magical actions to other senses and feelings. It is purposefully vague and precise at the same time, and did wonders for my immersion. I would love to see that explored further on other stories, specially considering that the main character is an earth pony, and thus has a very unique relationship with magic. The following paragraph illustrates that very well.
The two Equestria Seeds I carried were my responsibility, and were the reason my squadmates would die to protect someone as helpless as me. I forced that thought out of my head and concentrated on the feel of the Seed. It was packed with magic, groaning with it, full to bursting with it, but something about the Seeds made them invisible to my senses until I touched them. I loved touching them. The magic contained inside was Equestria, pure magic tapped from our tiny patch of untainted earth and crystallized into a physical thing by the Princesses. Holding it felt like home, like sheepfolds and farmland and neighbors in the shantytown that huddled around the castle and warm memories of foalhood: my family in our tiny brick shack telling stories around the crackling oven about heroes, and villains, and the brilliant and ashen past. I was conscious of the Seed’s magic flowing into me, sating a deep cellular hunger.
This is also a fic with a great ensemble cast, full of characters that feel simultaneously realized and expendable – the team in Aliens comes to mind. And the overall concept for the wasteland, the war, and their mission is intriguing, something which I would love to see expanded.
But, at the end of the day, that only serves to amplify my biggest issue: I can’t feel that the Wasteland is actually dangerous. Even though the first battle ends with one death, most of the time the fic is content on talking about how dangerous everything is, then showing the group easily overcoming those challenges. Hell, even when they are expertly ambushed by an unknown race and outnumbered 4 to 1, everything resolves neatly thanks to someone with less than a day of battle experience. Not that I wanted it to turn into a blood bath, but it felt like a cop-out, squanders all the atmosphere being build up to that point, and makes the whole story feel like a lost opportunity. I get why this fic would make the finals, but it failed to resonate with me.
Why it should be read: The general concept for this post-apocalypse is neat, to the point I'd love to see more on this continuity, and there are some great character interactions.
Stand out moment: The planting of the tree. It was wondrous, and gives an incredible sense of how that world works.
5/10
SaddlesoapOpera – The Cup Cake Killer – Dark – Cupcakes Prompt (8th Place)
Pinkie Pie commits a murder, and must answer for her crimes.
This is one of those death by a thousand cuts type of deals. It has certainly some good things going for it, such as the concept, Twilight’s characterization, the atmosphere during the first couple of scenes, even the general idea for the ending. Also, as a throwaway comment, the name Cup-Cake killer is a great meta joke, and I have no idea why I never saw that before, even if I don’t quite buy that she would get called that. However, there were just enough things wrong to take me out of the story.
For one, this fic needed some editing down. There are tons of scenes where characters are described, in particular the Mane 6, but their presence is completely superfluous. The fic is also littered with weird phrases, run on sentences, and superfluous asides, besides various writing issues. Some examples include:
Without even moonlight from outside, the shadows in the bakery were deep.
Like freezing-cold anvils were pressing down on her.
A heavy bridle and harness with hobbles to prevent kicks crisscrossed her body with dark, thick canvas that contrasted sharply with her rosy hide.
It was the fifth murder in recorded Equestrian history; the next most recent had happened before the invention of the printing-press.
Near the back, where Twilight and her friends and other associates of the accused had been placed out of courtesy to the Cake family members near the front, Maud Pie shifted in her spot on the long bench and stared down at a rock-candy necklace sitting on her slate-grey lap.
“This is the worst day of my life,” she said.
The whole setting is also extremely bizarre, and I am not even talking about the presence of murder in Equestria. There are a lot of strange incongruities, like how summary and spectacular Pinkie’s trial is, or Pinkie’s muthering of "Our strength isn’t made for hurting" on a traumatic state, which feels like it should indicate the presence of strong childhood indoctrination in Equestria. But all those pale compared to the idea that Equestria would have such a cruel method of execution as the Mirror Box, and then make a huge public spectacle out of this, which would draw gigantic crowds looking to see a pony die.
But nothing really beats my reaction to the ending. I love traumatic endings, those that feel like a punch to the stomach in their directness, and I appreciate what the fic was trying to do. However, I simply can't take this one seriously, it felt too contrived, yet also incompetent in driving its point home. I mean, Pinkie kills Cup Cake in order to save the babies… then proceed to try killing the babies because she doesn’t think they can be happy now. It is hard to sympathise with the idea of Twilight trying to save an innocent pony when she isn’t really. It is only made worse by the clichè of her finding that out precisely when it is already too late, instead of doing anything else before hand to prevent that.
I like to finish reviews with some positive of the story, but I simply can’t, and that mirrors my reaction to this fic: It started off promising, but quickly went down a cliff. In fact, the more I think about it, the less I end up enjoying it. I am not even sure that it fits the theme of the competition, since it doesn't have much to do with the original other than the title pun.
Why it should be read: A couple of original concepts.
Stand out moment: The first couple of scenes are good, with some great atmosphere.
3/10
dayoldspaghetti – Second Singularity – Sci-Fi – Anthropology Prompt (6th Place)
Lyra remember how she found the remains of an extinct human civilization.
First things first: I think it’s incredibly cool to have a new writer make it this far in the contest. Congratulations, and I hope to see more of you! Unless this is someone’s alt, then shame on you for giving me false hope.
Anyway, this is a very solid and ambitious story. The most notable thing about this fic, and a potential turn off for many readers, is its bizarre, even artsy way of handling time skips. It changes time periods without any direct indication, leaving the reader to piece together that a change happens. The only real direct indication is an occasional tense shift, with paragraphs suggesting that some of the scenes are happening in the present.
The effect is that of someone remembering things while occasionally being interrupted. It is unorthodox, but the consistency sells it. It gives the fic a nice sense of uninterrupted flow, and even when it was confusing, it wasn’t frustrating, and in two paragraphs max I always had a good idea where/when everything was happening. I also like how it is subtly transformed for the ending, giving a definite sense of finality, and showing very well how her mind was frayed by the trauma, and the time skips were actually her trying to make sense of it all.
That stylistic choice is at the core of the story, dictating its rhythm and how the reader will be informed. Through its meandering ways, it kept me guessing about just where the fic is going, without
ever actually feeling aimless. Much of that is because, even if the story itself goes all over the place, the general imagery being used helps maintain a specific feeling. All in all, the stylistic choice feels meaningful, even if a tad gimmicky.
Other than that, this is a competent story, putting the reader squarely on the mind of Lyra, allowing us to know the rationale behind what she does. She is well characterized, and her motivations feel natural and meaningful. The scientific inquiry, as presented in the fic, is sufficiently believable, even if it suffers from a lack of more moderate opinions, someone that would call for proper skepticism without dismissing her claims outright.
Twilight Sparkle's characterization, however, is a major problem, mainly because I never felt she was acting in character at all, even considering the strange circumstances and the time skip. There is also quite a problem with conflicting information in her actions – like how she is the one pushing for advancement, while also terrified of the boogeyman of the "Technological Singularity". It is okay for her not to trust technology of a dead civilization, but her order to Lyra that she simply do nothing feels naive, authoritarian, and stupid. It feels like a whole arc was missing in regard to the research, and it hits my pet peeve of having the Princesses say that "X or Y is dangerous because I said so!", without even bothering with an in-universe explanation.
And yes, the ending does make that statement rather ironic, since the Princesses were theoretically right that the artifacts should have been left alone. But really, I don't think it shows Lyra’s fault as being her curiosity, but rather how careless her methods were. I wouldn't even portray the ending as anti-technology, only vaguely xenophobic. And speaking about the end, it is strange that a civilization this advanced wouldn't have an off-world presence.
I should also note that, while editing was good enough, there are some quirks that could be worked out. In particular, I found the language too florid and descriptive, not enough to be ridiculous, but enough to be distracting. Even worse, it sometimes loses the reader with unfitting descriptions, like saying that a human hand has innumerable digits. The following passage is illustrative of that.
At last, after a good few minutes of composing herself, the middle-aged unicorn stood up inside the pitch-black niche. She was almost afraid to illuminate her horn, but she knew fully well that the whole epic trip to get there would have been pointless if she didn't. So, with a meager charge of mana, she shone a bright green beacon of light forward.
But, despite all those issues, I enjoyed this story. It isn't preachy, it flows well, and it is unique. It is one of those narratives that simply carries you away, never trying to force the reader to acknowledge something, even though it clearly has as larger point to make. It should be noted that, as a reinterpretation of Anthropology, it only does the bare minimum, but it really get the spirit of taking the concept, and doing something clever with it. I mean, you could even say that Lyra becomes a human at the end, even if in the worst way possible.
Why it should be read: For the concept, and the interesting literary device.
Stand out moment:"She nuzzled her green cheek against the metal palm and allowed the fingers to close around her, clutching her fragile pony skull in a gentle embrace."
8/10
Pascoite – Happy Birthday, Dear Twilight – Character Drama – Cupcakes Prompt (4th Place)
Pinkie has a terrible secret, but Twilight can help her with it.
I love much of this fic. It is carried by some great interactions being Twilight and Pinkie Pie, as well as clever switches between the viewpoints of both. The changes are well placed, always working towards expanding the reader’s understanding of what’s happening, never feeling gimmicky or purposeful obfuscation. And it hits all the right notes on the technical level, being one of the best edited of the ones I read from the competition, and the single thing that actually bothered me were a couple of strange usages of “At least”.
The atmosphere is also very nice, feeling unsettling, vaguely menacing but never actually dangerous, which fits well the story. That is, until you get what is actually happening, which turns everything on its head, and reinterprets the mood as tragic. It is a clever, compassionate twist on the basic cupcakes plot, and fits the contest to a T.
However, for all its qualities, I have one massive issue with the plot, and it must be discussed in significant spoilers. All I can say is that while I think it is fundamentally flawed, I do like the overall message and the solution, even if Twilight gets a bit preachy here and there.
However, it bothers me how OCD is used in the fic, since pure OCD isn’t associated with vivid visual hallucinations. When those two do happen together, OCD won’t be the primary issue. It feels strange that Twilight wouldn’t even consider Pinkie to be schizophrenic, psychotic, or even bipolar. And in that case, Twilight just managed to mask the symptoms of something much, much more serious.
And the thing is, I don’t think that the fic would be recognizable without both. Much of the early mystery and atmosphere is dependant on Pinkie being nervous about showing, not telling something. The visual aspect is also essential for the final cure, of her replacing the pony being hurt by Fluttershy. Something similar to what Present Perfect does in Civil Twilight could be worked to make sense story wise, but I fear that much of the flair that makes this unique would be lost. And if her condition was worse than OCD, then having Twilight just talk her out of it would feel like a cop- out, insteading needing drastic measures, that don't exactly fit with the story.
While those issues don’t exactly ruin the story for me, it makes for a much harder sell, and I can only actually appreciate it through an act of willful suspension of disbelief. I know it won't affect many people as much as me, but it is one more to the category of “I wish I could like it more than I actually do” I suppose. Still, I must reinforce that it fits the level of quality I would expect of the top entries to this contest, and that it uses its prompt supremely well.
Why it should be read: For the clever subversion of the Cupcakes plot.
Stand out moment: The introductory scene in the bakery is simply amazing.
8.5/10
PatchworkPoltergeist – A Diamond and a Tether – Character Drama – My Little Dashie Prompt (2nd Place)
Socialite Lucy Burdock raises a filly Diamond Tiara.
This is an absolutely precious story, driven by the relationship between the two main characters, as well as some great characterization work here, without which this story wouldn't work. After all, we are talking here about Diamond Tiara, one of the most hated ponies, and a rich heiress whose greatest dilemma is choosing between her Prada and her Louis Vuitton. That those two are not only tolerable, but that I can relate and feel invested in them speaks wonders to the writer's capabilities. Also, Maria is awesome.
And this is, in fact, a story where you can clearly see that the writer cares. We are talking someone willing to research 2000’s fashion tendencies, and not just random references to popular movies. No, I'm talking about knowing that in 2004 chandelier earrings were in, or remembering precisely when humanity went insane and chic Crocs became a thing. I am a firm believer that thinking about these details improve the quality of the overall work, making the story more realistic and immersive.
The overall arc is also great, and you see Diamond acting and developing as a realistic precocious child, without feeling the need to have her acting cutesy. Her thought patterns are great, and the way her relationship with Lucy ebbs and flows is beautiful, the clear stand-out of the whole fic. And when conflict arises, it feels earned, coming from the characters rather than contrivance.
I do have a couple of issues with the story, which held back by enthusiasm, but nothing too serious. The main thing is that I don't feel that the story properly justifies having Diamond not be allowed to leave the house. It is something that I am willing to accept for the sake of the story, but it bothers me that there is no attempt to justify it in-universe. I'd be interested in seeing a story try to go another route in this regard.
There is also the ending, which while beautifully emotional, seems to imply that Diamond Tiara being this way is in continuity with the series, since her father actually called her a different name. But then, Twilight Sparkle is the one to go with him, despite the fact that she should be in Canterlot at the time, and doesn't act much like Season 1 Twilight. As far as inconsistencies go, it is a small one, but it took me out of the story during a crucial point. Other than that, there are a couple of smaller editing issues, but nothing pervasive or really worth noticing.
If this contest was about "Revamping the Classics", then I can't think of a more fitting story than this. It is, in short, My Little Dashie done right, not bothering with clever frills, subversions, or reinterpretations. The story beats are essentially the same, but tweaked so the awkwardness, creepiness, and weird wish fulfillment angle from the original are removed, leaving behind its sincere, emotional core. It isn't perfect, but it touched me, left a lasting impression, and is my favourite of all stories I read from the contest.
Why it should be read: To see My Little Dashie done right.
Stand out moment: Everything about the relationship between the two, really, but in particular how she tries to act well behaved, and the subsequent fallout during Christmas.
9/10
One thing that I have to say is that, whatever I thought of all the stories, they all initially grabbed my attention. Even the ones which left me with a strong negative reaction had things going for them. Also, I had issues with every single ending – probably a factor of the short writing time. But anyway, congratulations to all involved, and good luck forward.
The fact that you noticed made me happiest about this review. Fashion research for a decade ago was surprisingly harder than I expected. I also learned that Prada prices are terrifying. (And how were Crocs ever a thing? They're not even comfortable)
In the rough draft, it's mentioned Twilight actually working the case straight from Canterlot, since there seemed to be evidence of weird magical stuff going on. I was convinced that I was more pressed for word count and time than I actually was, and cut it. You're right on the second note, though. My head was still on S4 Twilight, whoops.
Very glad you enjoyed it, Soge
Re. Second Singularity. I liked the story a lot (if "liked" is the right word for nightmare fuel), but though I can imagine how that device of not noting scene changes might work in another story, it only makes this one even more confusing. First, because there's a transition between two past-tense scenes that is completely unmarked, so you have to read several paragraphs 3 or 4 times to figure out what's going on. If your literary device makes the reader do that, throw it out and try another. dayoldspag should have inserted a few present-tense lines in between those just to mark the scene break.
But maybe more importantly, the device, switching between past and present, is meant for a situation in which the narration is actually in the present. And yet the explanation for the device requires the narration to be in the past. Also, Lyra remembers all sorts of traumatic things, but key events get left out of the narrative just to keep the device mysterious for one more scene. And omitting these key events is way too confusing--it brings up, all the way at the end, the possibility that Lyra was already insane independent of all the stuff going on around her. There isn't any in-story reason why the particular stuff that gets left out gets left out, and that left me thrashing around for a secondary explanation at the same time I was figuring out that the entire story takes place in the past. I think.
Ah, Crocs. One of my proudest achievements.
Nice spread. After the initial issues with the winner, I found the other two stories I've covered so far to be of exactly the kind of quality I had initially expected. I mean, I couldn't believe it when Aquaman played his whole story straight down the line except for one scene that completely bowled me over. Even in Motion of the Stars I was mostly quibbling over technical bits and bobs; the aim of the competition to reinvent the 'classics' seems to have been a roaring success.
I was thinking of reading A Diamond and a Tether and Happy Birthday, Dear Twilight anyway, but I think I'll be adding Second Singularity to that list. It sounds like I'd enjoy it.
I entirely agree with you about the failures of the ending of Life in the Wasteland. I was hard up against the word limit at that point, and that caused some rather glaring issues. If I had had another five thousand words to play with, I like to think the story wouldn't have had that flaw.
Interestingly, I never intended the temporal setting to be a secret. I elected not to make that reveal outside the narrative because to me, having to resort to that always feels like a failure of exposition. I thought I'd made the setting sufficiently obvious in the first draft, and discovered that wasn't true, so I made it more obvious in the contest version, and discovered that it still wasn't obvious enough for some readers--when the reviews of the contest version largely missed that fact--so the post-contest version is YET MORE obvious. -_-
And re: the paragraph spacing, that was intentional and not a mistake, but also it was an utter failure on every level.
I appreciate you taking the time to review, but I think you may be confused on a couple of points in the story...
SPOILERS FOR MY FIC FOLLOW:
First, the reason for the shock and spectacle of the events that transpire is the unbelievable scarcity of serious crime in the setting. Folks aren't bloodthirsty - they're shocked and appalled and sickly fascinated by hearing about a crime so rare you can pretty much count the cases on your hooves. Watching an execution in Equestria would be like Dragons watching a comrade pour his hoard into molten lava - a horrific sight happening probably less than once in a dozen generations. As is made clear in that one sentence you took issue with. Likewise, a magical instant-execution method with an archaic official name implies that it dates back to olden days and had to be dusted off for this insanely uncommon occurrence. Even the JAIL hasn't seen much use - hence the old-school spelling "Gaol". Saying "she'll get the Mirror-Box for this" is meant to seem as bizarre as someone in present-day saying "she'll get the GUILLOTINE". Without any real chain of precedent, Equestria falls back in shock on some very old-fashioned rules for addressing murder. ...Also, apart from all capital punishment being grim, why is it "cruel?" It's a near-instant disintegrator booth. Zap, flash, poof, over. No gore, no mess, and it's done in a split-second. Like being ground-zero in a nuclear blast. It was probably DESIGNED to be the cleanest, most efficient form of execution possible...
Second, Pinkie doesn't try to kill the foals. That's explicitly stated:
She kept her front hooves under the babies, supporting them in the water.
She wants to LOOK like she is doing what Cake tried to do, because everything after Cake's death is part of Pinkie's plan to give Carrot and the foals closure and to punish herself for what she considers an unforgivable act. That is the whole reason for the "It sure is!" line - to hint that Pinkie never wanted to harm the babies. It's all a show to manipulate honest Applejack into "witnessing" just what Pinkie wants her to see. Meanwhile, I definitely do imply that Earth Ponies are fiercely indoctrinated not to use their massive strength in anger, the same way Unicorns are probably taught not to set folks who vex them on fire with magic. A little like Superman, Earth Ponies live in a world of cardboard; they MUST show self-control. Trauma over being forced to break such a fundamental taboo AND to put down her own landlady and dear friend drive Pinkie to orchestrate events so the whole business is put to rest and she is punished. Twilight's horror and mad dash to Pinkie's execution are ALL because Twilight realizes that the town and Luna have been played by Pinkie's Parasprite-solving, party-planning, off-kilter cunning. I'm afraid Pinkie's plan worked too well; even with Twilight's visions revealing the truth of the situation, you fell for it, it seems...
Lastly, I have to admit I'm not sure what's so lamentably wrong with the sentences you picked out - none of them run on, and several reveal important details - like the sheer rarity of murder in the setting, or the fact that the bakery was extremely dark. I'm sorry if the story wasn't your cup of tea - you can't please everypony! - but some of the issues you raised simply aren't present in the text...
I don't get what the issue with OCD was. Twilight never diagnosed Pinkie with it, nor did she ever suggest that's what Pinkie had. She merely borrowed a method used in OCD therapy for dealing with recurring unwanted behavior (and a real method, btw) to see if it might help Pinkie.
As to whether Twilight should have been able to make better guesses as to what was wrong with Pinkie, I don't get that either. This really smacks of the "Twilight is an expert at everything" lazy plot device that so many authors use. Twilight doesn't know what's wrong with Pinkie. She says herself that she's not trained in this and that she wishes Pinkie would see a professional. All Twilight's done is read a couple books, and nothing's implied about how in-depth or comprehensive they'd be. She could easily make things worse by attempting to sound authoritative and dictate the course of Pinkie's therapy, so she manages the best she can to act as a counselor and get Pinkie to talk herself through her own problem instead of assuming the role of psychologist. And it seems to be working.
In my mind, there's not actually anything serious wrong with her. She just had a couple of really disturbing nightmares, and now she's preoccupied with the images and can't get them off her mind. Same as the analogy Twilight uses about having a song running through your head that you can't stop, though the details aren't particularly important.
Never been sure on how open you are to counter-criticism, Soge (don't believe I ever got a response after I tried giving some before, if I'm remembering right), but I have to disagree with your assessment of The Cup Cake Killer. The wind in my sails has died down a bit, considering that 2862307 already said for himself just about all that I was going to, but mark me down as being in that camp, I suppose.
What I will add on, though, is that I take issue with the following line of thought:
For one thing, it followed the contest's Cupcakes prompt ("Pinkie Pie invites a friend over to Sugarcube Corner. Little do they know that they’re in for a dark surprise."), inarguably. For another, it sticks with the dark tone of the original, the theme of murder, the theme of betrayal, and so on. I'm not sure that very much else could be changed to match the original without it losing what sets it apart—I just can't imagine why you feel the current level of adherence to the original is inadequate, given that you didn't say the same about, say, Second Singularity, which had almost nothing to do with Anthropology and worked entirely from the prompt instead.
2859590
If I'm recalling correctly (and interpreted it correctly in the first place), everything that wasn't the scenes with Bon Bon and the very ending take place in the past. The Bon Bon scenes, though, are in the present, in Lyra's mind, as the robot is psychically mining her for information. If you're referencing the children dying and the robots marching through town as what got left out, I think that that was supposed to also be a (recent) past memory—one that the robot was suppressing, or something, so that it could more easily get Lyra to tell it what all she had been up to. So it's like that overarching children playing/Bon Bon conversation scene was a memory of Lyra's, but the robot had kind of locked it in place and made it friendlier to serve as a sort of hub space in Lyra's head.
2863490 I think those scenes should be in the present, and the robot suppressing things would make sense for the story, but I know I looked for evidence of something like that and didn't find it.
2863526 Yeah, I was probably filling in blanks a little too generously. I just re-read the last portions, and things aren't quite adding up.
2858398 I even made sure to go google some of the fashion stuff. I think it helped her seem more human than just saying that those are not the new collections, or some other generic comment.
Oh, and I think that I wouldn't have been confused if Twilight was acting more pre-S1. By the way, judging by the dates, are you considering that it took place about 1 year before the first episode?
2859590 I know exactly the transition you are talking about, I had to go back and reread a couple of paragraphs to get what was happening there. It felt like it broke a rule that had been set up before, and after that even the past-past transitions flowed fairly well..
And for your second point, I went with 2863490 interpretation. Even if that wasn't very clear, as the ending is quite contradictory, I chose to believe that was the Author's intention.
2860550 I think my issue with the "This is actually the past" angle is that it doesn't matter to the plot. I would be happier if that was just mentioned in vague hints (like when you mention an old Sun in contrast to Celestia's Sun) as a way of adding another dimension to the fic.
2864292
Yep. Done partly so when (presuming the dates line up correctly and time flows the same on both ends) Diamond slips in so she's had enough time to be established in Ponyville, but still be her Diamond-ey self.
But it was mostly done to kill the chance of Di stumbling on the MLP franchise. I don't even know if MLP exists in this particular story, but I prefer to think it doesn't, just because the celebrity paradox is an existential headache and I hate it.
2862307 Hey, thanks for writing back! Looks like I did miss some things on the story.
First, about the ending, I must apologize: I misread "She kept her front hooves under the babies, supporting them in the water." as saying that Pinkie was holding them under the water. I swear, I went through that passage twice and came off both times with the same impression – so yeah, chalk that up to my stupidity. It does change the ending, it becomes more tragic, and makes so that Twilight's actions are much more justified. However, I still feel that the whole situation is fairly contrived, but chalk that up to personal bias, since I tend to react strongly against that kind of situation where a character gets to a place just in time to see the final proof of their failure.
And now that I know the truth, while the fic feels more cohesive, I don't think that Pinkie's actual plan made much sense. Sure, now he won't feel bad about not noticing/doing anything about his wife's condition, but in exchange he will know that he unknowingly housed a dangerous murderer for many years. Also, such a thing will probably make "The Cakes" a name associated with murder for decades. Not to speak about the impact on the Pies of having had a murdered in the family. I also don't quite get the timing of the events – Pinkie goes to AJ on the afternoon planning on killing Miss Cake that night? That has some terrible implications, and I can't quite see how else to interpret this.
So yeah, I fucked up on this one, and while now I do appreciate the story more, I still think it raises too many questions. On to my issues with the tone.
Absolute annihilation feels cruel on a more psychological sense. Compared to modern methods of execution, which are about killing the person as efficiently and painlessly as possible, the Mirror Box completely erases all parts of that individual. In a world where the worst tyrants get imprisoned forever, doing this to someone feels more like vengeance than justice. Even more considering it is a public execution, and that ponies travel just to see it being used. This, just like the indoctrination, feels way too dark for something ostensibly show-like.
Finally, about the passages I highlighted, 1, 2, and 4 just don't sit right with me ("frozen anvils", or "the next most recent" sound weird). The third one alternates between three different ideas (The heavy bridle and harness, the hobble to prevent kicks, the black canvas that contrasted with her rosy hide) and jumbles them together in the same sentence. And the fifth is superfluous (why wouldn't Pinkie's friends and family be there?), and runs on. Also, and I know this is a bizarre complaint, Maud's line made me laugh, because it is very well characterized, and that conflicted with the atmosphere of the scene.
2863490 Yeah, sorry if I didn't answer sometime before. I love counter-criticism, specially when I discover something I missed, but I am very shy online, and looking at notifications and replies tends to be kinda hard. By the time I do read everything, I feel like it is already too late to write a reply. I'm making an effort to do better in that regard though.
About The Cup-Cake Killer adhering to the prompt, I felt that Cupcakes acted as the starting point, but then the rest doesn't really have much to do with that. Not that it is unrelated, but this is a story about the consequences, like Twilight having to deal with a media storm, Pinkie's trial... I would have the same reaction to reading a Cupcakes sequel on the contest.
Contrast that with Second Singularity, which while a very different story from Anthropology, is always about Lyra's obsession with humans, and how "she was awfully, horribly, spectacularly, right". Or Happy Birthday, Dear Twilight, which is as diametrically opposed to Cupcakes as you can get, but always felt like it was about "The Dark Surprise", and not about its consequences.
2864498
I really appreciate your second look - like I said, I don't mind if my stuff doesn't agree with folks, but I do my best to make sure that it IS my stuff they're reacting badly to, you know?
To answer that further comment about timing, it's actually not the case again... ^__^;
Pinkie goes to AJ *AFTER* Cup's death - hence her seriously upset and weird manner. In chronological order: Confrontation with Cup Cake, Cup's death, Pinkie puts foals to bed, Pinkie turns sign to closed and leaves to go to AJ, Pinkie waits, Pinkie puts foals in sink upon hearing AJ arriving, AJ arrives and makes a gruesome discovery. That's why there's an icky smell in the place by the time AJ gets there -- it's already been several hours.
2864498
It's not so much about them being there as it is about why they're in the back, specifically. Associates of the perpetrator in the back (where the associates of the victim don't have to see them if they don't want to), associates of the victim in the front (where they have front-row seats to the end of the perpetrator). And it doesn't run on—it just has a comma-framed parenthetical statement inserted in the middle, which is perfectly legal.
Also, for the record, I'm with you on the third one in that set of quotes you had a problem with—the double "with" construction is a bit difficult to parse—but the others are perfectly fine. "freezing-cold anvils" is a succinct, serviceable way of saying it weighed on her and made her feel cold inside. And "the next most recent" is just a common phrase.
2864539
Hm. I suppose I kind of see what you mean? But that's an odd way of looking at the prompts, I think. Take the My Little Dashie prompt, for example: "A human finds a young pony abandoned in a cardboard box, and decides to raise her as his own." That prompt implies the entire story—that a catalyzing moment will happen when the pony is discovered, and the majority of the story to come will cover the pony being raised. The Cupcakes prompt, on the other hand, only defines a catalyzing moment, but nothing after. And the Anthropology prompt defines a catalyzing moment plus a quirk that Lyra's personality needs. It's all too inconsistent to hold everyone to the way you propose, I feel.
And besides, it could definitely be argued that Happy Birthday was also all about the consequences of the secret. Namely, that the secret's revelation allowed Twilight to start helping Pinkie recover. Sure the dark secret was ever-present in that Pinkie's condition kept causing her issues, but the dark secret in The Cup Cake Killer was just as ever-present in that it was the driving force behind everything everyone was saying/doing/feeling/etc.
2864605 Then why didn't Carrot see the body? He slept through the whole afternoon, and only woke up after the police came?
2865054
Actually, no. That is also addressed in the text, in Applejack's worried thoughts in the aftermath:
Was Mister Cake back from his TRIP yet? Did he know?
Emphasis added. He was on a short trip, out of town until the next day. Twilight witnesses the moment he finds out, in the police station soon after this scene:
On the main floor of City Hall’s justice department, Twilight caught sight of Mister Cake sitting in a glass-walled interview room with the twins hanging at his shoulders in a papoose yoke. His face was buried in his front hooves, and sobs wracked his spindly yellow frame.
With short, brisk stories like this, it's really crucial to read absolutely every word - nearly every single sentence either reveals character detail or advances the story.
As for the sentence issues, well, there's no accounting for taste, I suppose - but a harness, bridle, and hobbles are all part of the same horse-restraint system, and ponies don't have leather and possibly not nylon, so it's ALL made of heavy canvas instead, like a straitjacket. You're objecting so one sentence being "jumbled" by description of a single discrete piece of equipment.
Pinkie's plan wasn't perfect, no, but this is where pretending to want to kill the foals comes in - by seeming like a REAL monster, she puts the focus on HERSELF, not on the Cakes. Even her own family lives in another town, so it looks like they booted out the bad seed. And by offering no defense and seeming pleased and goading the court into showing her no mercy, she gets executed - which offers final closure and can allow the emotional scars to begin healing. The worst of the stigma ends up tied to an "evil" pony who got rightfully caught and punished. Think of it as deciding to slice off an infected limb and cauterize the stump: horrible and debilitating, but averting an even more painful and unpleasant fate.
Objecting to the dark humour present is fine, but you can't ALSO then turn around and say I wasn't cleaving closely enough to the prompt. The original Cupcakes is stuffed FULL of inappropriate and jarring humour, like Pinkie using Gilda's fleshless and painted skull as a hoof-puppet and making silly comments while imitating her gruff voice: “Hey, Dash lets hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs.” I put in as much of the original's shocking, upsetting, occasionally humourous style as I could without just rehashing it or falling prey to the original's grand-guignol excess. I even used Applejack as Pinkie's unwilling "accomplice" in her plan, to echo back to the horrific reveal of Apple Bloom's eager and willing presence in the epilogue of Cupcakes.
You've been very cordial, and I appreciate that - some critics I have encountered seem more interested in being hurtful than helpful - but I must admit it's starting to seem like you rushed through my relatively short fic and didn't pick up on quite a few crucial details before snapping to judgment and writing your review...
2863465 Interestingly enough, I do agree with you on everything you said. I think that the specific term being present was what threw me off, coupled with something I interpreted as being rather more serious. I mean, at the basement Pinkie has a hard time believing that Twilight isn't seeing the things she is seeing, which seemed like a significant divorce from reality.
An analogous situation would be if Pinkie was bedridden and coughing blood, and Twilight said it looked like the common cold and cured her with chicken broth.
2860550
Ironically enough, I never actually noticed this whole detail until I read Soge's review, so I had to laugh when you said you made it more and more obvious. But honestly, I'm perfectly fine with it being not obvious at all. It reminds me of Gene Wolfe's Book of the New Sun, and I wish I could say that about more stories that I read.