You'd better turn on the lights, or you'll get eaten by a grue.
Make certain to not get eaten by a grue.
IT IS PITCH BLACK!
YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE EATEN BY A GRUE!
IT IS DARK, YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE EATEN BY A GRUE.
You've never really played Zork so you're not quite sure what a grue even is. You're also quite certain that they don't exist. Then again, you are in a land of magical, talking, pastel colored ponies right now. So they might exist....
Oh well, given that you've been in this room for god knows how long and you haven't been eaten yet, its safe to assume that there are no grues in this room. So you're safe, at least from them. Whatever they are.
Suddenly acquire night vision.
try to find a pair of night vision goggles,
then suddenly you hear a Metal Gear RAY coming for you and you flee.
If only that were possible.
Even though your eyes are quickly adjusting to the darkness of the dark room, you still can't see very well in it, and spontaneously evolving night vision isn't going to happen. You're also quite sure that whoever put you in this room was smart enough not to leave any night vision goggles around for now.
Also you'll start worrying about Metal Gears after you stop worrying about the hind helicopters.
You can find a way out like a normal person, then again you're not normal in the head.
You feel as if the best course of action is to find a way out of this dark room, but how do you go about doing that?
Well thats easy, you just scream and listen to the bouncing soundwaves which reveal that you are, in fact, in a nazi concentration camp with a pony hitler watching over you holding a wip in his mouth. To the left the Burger King is chained up next to you, but you dont care cause you always found him creepy anyways. You then realize you cant actually do ecolocation and are probably suffering from sever brain damage.
scream "OH F*CK MY LIFE!" and then proceed curse everything in the universe
Panic.
Ask where you are.
Brighten up the room with a sing-a-long! (A happy sing-a-long)
Start parkouring.
Realise that you have become the man from Pit and Pendelum by Edgar Allen Poe and then shout, "WHY DIDN'T I DODGE?!?!?"
Use you badass resourcefulness skills you've acquired through watching Man VS Wild. Start navigating around the dark the way bats do: echolocation.
You talk a moment to calmly collect yourself. You sit where you are, take a deep breath...... And then scream at the top of your lungs.
"OH FUCK MY LIFE WHERE AM I WHY DIDN'T I DODGE!!??" You shout to the empty room as you get up and start running around the room. You run to your left and run into a barrel of... something. No, really... there are barrels down here. Undeterred, you climb up onto the barrel and then step onto another, and then another, and then you jump off. You are seriously parkouring the hell out of this dark room right now. You also fail to realize that you already answered one of the questions you asked in the previous chapter (not the pony kombat one).
"LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!!" You sing to yourself as you jump from one barrel to the next before you move on to sing the whole song. Unfortunately about half way through the song you fall off a barrel in a failed attempt to jump to another one and land face first on the ground. Thankfully nothing was broken.
"OW!!" You scream to yourself. Suddenly, as you pull yourself off the floor you realize something. The fall must have knocked the panic right out of you. You suddenly remember all those times you watched shows about bats on animal planet and remember how they move around in the dark. You also remember, that you are a bawler boss badass, and badasses DO NOT LET THINGS LIKE THIS GET THEM DOWN!!!!
"LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!!!" You yell out again. The sounds hits the wall, it bounces back and hits your ears. You know where the the exit is now AND START RUNNING FOR IT WITH YOUR ARMS FLAILING!!!
wander around aimlessly with your arms out, trying to feel for something......only after a while you trip over something, and because you were flailing your arms, you didn't use them to protect your nose, and you fall flat on your face in a most painful manner, possibly breaking your nose in the process
Run into the wall!
Unfortunately you run straight into a wall. You thought you could run through the wall and break it down, the wall thought it could break you. THE WALL WAS RIGHT!!!!
You hit the wall face first and fall flat on your ass again.
"Ow..." You say again as you lay on your back in pain. Your nose hurts quite a bit, but you don't think its broken. You're quite certain you know what a broken nose feels like, this isn't it. How do you know what a broken nose feels like? Lets find a way out of this dark room and then we'll contemplate that.
Think about how the Fack everything came to this. From one night of sleeping, to being chased by a unicorn, saved by one, and then tied up by one and now in a cold dark room.
Ignore all the above suggestions and calmly, rationally, take time to assess your day so far.
As you lay on the ground, your mind wanders and you think about everything that happened to lead up to this. You woke up and just found yourself here with Twilight standing over you. You ran from her after accidentally ripping her book, which turned out to be a copy of the Pony Sutra. From there you ran into a marketplace where you met an orange pony in a stetson hat named Applejack who refused to help you. From there you flipped over her apple stand and used the distraction to get away from her and Twilight. Then you ran into Lyra and Bon Bon who took you in and got you high. Twilight and Applejack then somehow found out where you were and kicked Lyra and Bon Bon's asses. God you hope they are all right right now. Then you ran to the carousel boutique and met Rarity, who was not different than Twilight really, even though she was a little nicer. You are starting to miss that suit she made you though. Then Twilight showed up again, Rarity threw you out the window to protect you from her, and then you ran, got knocked out and woke up here. That's all there is to it really.
Find the light switch.
Turn on the light
You sit yourself back up and think that the best course of action right now would be to find some sort of light switch. But how will you do that?
Try to find a light switch
First go north and try finding the light switch by touching the wall, if you don't find any switch then go east and do the same.
If you can't find the light switch..... Start running in circles crying for help like a little girl.
You decide to move north to find it. What you don't realize is that you could go north... IF YOU KNEW WHERE NORTH WAS BUT YOU DON'T CAUSE YOU'RE IN A DARK ROOM!!! Hell, you're pretty sure you never knew where north was since you got here.
Still, you don't let that deter you. You walk in random direction to find the light switch. Since echolocation has failed you, you instead walk slowly with your arms out. Eventually you touch a wall and feel around it, all over it, you are really feeling up the wall. You don't find a light switch.
You check again on another wall, but to no avail. Then another wall, still the same results. You check every wall in the room, you find nothing.
Sit down and wait. Cause honestly what else can you do?
Mentally defeated by the lack of any light switches, you go back to the center of the room and sit down. You sit and wait... and wait.... and wait....
Put your head in between your legs and kiss your ass good by and wait for the pony to rape you *manly cry*
Suddenly you can't take it anymore. You put your head between your legs and begin to cry manly tears. You don't know where you are, or where anything in this room is, or what is going to become of you... You mentally kiss your ass goodbye.
You wimper in the darkness of the room. You think to yourself 'God, I would have been better with rarity... how the hell do I always get into these type of things?"
As you squint your eyes in hopes that it will give you night vision, a thought hits you.
The orange one, the orange horse wasn't there when twilight came in. Did she hit you?
"Are... Are you the orange horse I asked help from but you continued to say no and then help twilight try to rape me?"
You think to yourself how you would have been better off with Rarity, but quickly think better of it. As was said before, these are ponies, and you are not into ponies. Then suddenly, a realization hits you like a ton of apples.
Applejack, the orange pony. She wasn't with Twilight when she burst into Rarity's house. Where was she? Was she the one that hit you in the back of the head?
You would contemplate this further, but the sound of a door opening and light suddenly feeling the room interrupts all your thoughts. You hold up your hand to shield your eyes from the sudden light, but after a few moments you pull it away.
You see at the top of some stairs that you didn't even realize were there (you actually parkoured over them earlier but forgot about them), you see the silhouette of an open door, with the silhouette of pony standing right inside it. She appears to be wearing a cowboy hat.
After a moment of watching you, the pony walks down the stairs and onto the floor of the dark room with you. Eventually, your eyes clear up and you see her.
Standing in front of you, is Applejack.
The orange, apple selling pony, who refused to help you earlier and was helping Twilight chase you. She looks the same as she did when you first saw her. The red war pain and bandanna she was wearing when she was in Lyra and Bon Bon's house are gone. More or less she looks just like she always does. She is still wearing her bandolier, though.
She looks right at you, and you can clearly tell that she is pissed. She's practically glaring death at you. The kind of look that could kill a lesser man... pony in this case. She doesn't have the same look of maniacal insanity that Twilight had on her though. Clearly she is just angry... really angry.... like moments away from painting the walls of this dark room with you angry.
What do you do?
Waddy a want orange-apples?
You attempt to speak to her in her native tongue: "Now Ah don' want no trouble y'all! Ah just wanna git back ta mah' barn! Apples! Sugarcube! Hoedown!"
YELL FUCK THE SHIT AND JUMP OVER HER AND STWAL HER HAT.
After this run like fuck away from there. With hat in tow. If she catches up threaten to rip up the hat.
explain to applejack why you did that,kiss her hooves,then beg for her to stop twilight saying that if you do i will harvest all your apples
[what is a grue anyway?]
Good Lord panicking has only made this situation worse. Just sigh and let her say her piece.
"Um... Care to eat an apple with me?"
If that doesn't work then start crying and say "I need an adult!"
Stay calm and rationally talk with applejack. You better have a high speech level if you wanna live!
Also apologize for what you did!
Quite rudely ignore her and go through the doorway.
Tell her that you're error.
"Thank God you aren't a grue!!!!"
*HUUUUUUUUUUGS*
EDIT: You can play Zork and literally ask: "What is a grue?" and it will tell you.
Apologize to Applejack about tossing her apple stand at Twilight when you two first met...or you could just 'boop' her nose repeatedly.
Definition of boop: Verb; To poke an animal or something cute in the nose.
#Edit_gamefiles/add;NOCLIP/?/OVERRIDE-SYSTEM/killall_pony/enter;command
"So...yea. This is happening...Ya got me in a dark room stark nekkid. You gonna try the same thing your last two friends tried? I really dont feel like getting raped or beaten so..." Throw a barrel at her and run past while shes unfocused.
Apologize awkwardly for ruining her apple stand.
Calmly ask why I'm in the cellar and if I need to work off all of the apples that I "accidentally" threw at twilight.
You grab a barrel and run to the top of the stairs. From there, you pull a Donkey Kong and throw the barrel at Applejack. Hopefully, she can't jump like Mario.
Yell the manliest thing ever! (Not in the face! Not in the face!)
Time for a sneak attack....... Thanks to Skyrim I'll be able to attack her without being detected.
-Start sneaking-
Sneak lvl 99 -> 100
¡OOOOOOOH YEAAAAH!
Continue crying in the hopes that you see a slim glimmer of empathethy in her eyes
If you are with Applejack then you can assume that you were in a cellar. Cellar means a nearby residence; a farm. QUICK, FIND AN ELDER! ADULTS ARE USELESS!
"Well, I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea."
You can only think of one thing: "Wave goodbye to your secret crap, dumbass!"
Applejack moves closer. You start to feel you badass-ity shrivel away, when a miracle happens. A barrel falls over, causing several barrels to come with it. By this point, there's a 4-foot tall wall of barrel blocking you. AJ seems to think you planned this.
"Oh. You were busy back there."
2208022 Y'know, you could just open the console. You just have to hit tilde. Maybe allow it in the options menu.
She is angry? WHAT FUCKING RIGHT DOES SHE HAVE TO BE ANGRY. YOU HAVE BEEN RIPPED OUT OF YOUR WORLD, STRIPPED, NEARLY BEEN RAPED, CHASED BY A CRAZY UNICORN, HAD TO LEAVE BEHIND TWO OF YOUR NEW FRIENDS, ONLY TO BE STRIPPED, TIED DOWN AND NEARLY RAPED! AGAIN! THEN YOU GET KNOCKED OUT AND AWAKE UP IN A DARK ROOM WITH THIS BITCH! SERIOUSLY, FUCK THIS!
DonkeyKong the shit out of her with aformentioned barrels.
Upon distraction or injury upon applejack, resume parkour past Aj towards the stairs, and attempt to steal hat in the process.
You arrive into a rather large barn, with sunlight streaming through (damn, youve been out hours)
but if thats the case, why didnt AppleJack hand you over to Twil-
A purple pony stands in the doorway and your only route out of the barn. You can see an apple orchard behind Twilight.
Get down on one knee, look Applejack in the eye, and prepare to give the best apology you have ever given in your life.
"I know that you are angry with me, and rightfully so. I was in a panic and lost control of myself. Instead of facing my fears and confronting Twilight Sparkle head on, I ran away like a coward, and wrongly affiliated you in this situation. You weren't doing anything wrong, you were just doing your job selling apples, and there I was ruining it for you. I didn't properly explain things to you or wait until I received permission for you to help me. We could have become friendly with each other, and maybe even friends at one point, but I abandoned all of that and became enemies with you. It's my fault I'm here right now with you, and I should have confronted Twilight in the first place. All I can do is beg for your forgiveness and let bygones be bygones. I truthfully am sorry for this whole mess and getting you involved. You didn't deserve that."
Explain in a calm manner why you're sorry you messed up her stand a while back, mainly being because twilight was trying to rape you. You're running out of options and if applejack won't listen to reason, then you might as well just......stop, just lay down with your back on the floor, and just stare blankly at the ceiling. All of this shit that's happened is only because twilight somehow summoned you here, and you're tired of running; you still want to run, but your mind says "what's the use, whoever you ask for help is most likely going to try and rape you, report you to some authority figure, or twilight will somehow find you and try to capture you". You want to fight, you do.......but maybe it is best to admit defeat, to just....give up and accept that its all just a hopeless effort.
Try diplomacy. If that doesn't work, Settle your problems with a Pokemon battle.
Calmly bawl your eyes out and plead for your life in the manliest way possible.
Threaten to rip her hat if she tries to have sex with you
Look at you, getting intimidated and chased around by ponies. Do you know what you are, do you understand exactly what your species is?
Sir, you are a human being. You come from a species that started out among the lowest of the low and clawed its way to the very top of the food chain. You come from a species that was hunted by predators until it decided to turn around and start hunting those predators back. You come from a species that had enough ingenuity to harness the raw power fire to hold off the darkness. You come from a species that has never once backed down to another species. And now you are going to let a bunch of herd animals, a bunch of herbivores even, push you around?
NO!
You are going to stand tall and show them what you are! You are going to declare to this world just what makes humankind the top of the chain! You are going to prove that every single one of your ancestors did not survive and reproduce just for nothing! You are going to face any adversity, any challenge, with an unwavering determination!
You are going to jump right onto and off the back of that pony and out the still open door, before you lock it shut and run out of town; because that is an escape route right there.
You smile and wave slightly trying to lighten the mood. You take a deep sigh and finally decide, your done with this.
"Alright pony, Can someone please tell me what's going on? Why are you mad at me? Why is twilight trying to Rape me? And why is it everyone I meet here gets hurt in some way?!"
you pause waiting for response.
You look down and murmur "They are all ok though, right? Lyra, Bon bon, rarity. You didn't... kill them did you?"
"Me so horny. Me love you long time?"
Good Route: Apologize and try to be diplomatic using your 'silver tongue' skills.
Plan B: Wreck her shit and go Donkey Kong on her with the barrels.
Terri-bad Route: Tell her you prefer pears instead of apples.
You suddenly realize that you are in a basement! QUICKLY DO THE DINOSAUR LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!
1. Look her in the eye and apologize for tipping over her cart of apples, she is still probably angry about that.
2. explain the situation to her in your point of view.
3. Ask what Twilight has said about you, she might think you are some monster that attacked her friend.
4. offer whatever you can to make up for how you wronged her.
Ask for help with calculus. Then while she is confused you do the dinosaur.
Challenge her to the ancient game of drink
Grovel at her hooves begging for mercy. Like a sir.
In a moment of epic parkour events you run and jump onto the ponies back hoping she'll try to buck you off her then use said bucking to increase the power of your jump and flee for dear life.
*random Superman theme song activate*
"Where the heck is that music coming from?"
Hmmmm um prey to mr. Popo to help you?
Attempt to reason with the farmpony; If all else fails you can always use those barrels in a cliche cartoon avalanche thingy to bury her while you escape while doing a Woody Woodpecker laugh.
> what is a grue?
The grue is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of the earth. Its favorite diet is adventurers, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light. No grue has ever been seen by the light of day, and few have survived its fearsome jaws to tell the tale.
Zork, bitches. To this day, I still have my copy.
Anyway, as for what I do, why not try something different? Yes, that means I close my eyes tightly and hope to whichever deity I believe in that my... "Horn" qualifies for using magic. (Come on, guys, phallic lasers would be awesome. And a powerful rape deterrent. Not so hot on raping me when I can fry your uterus, eh?)
"Well shit"
attepmt to talk
but if that fails
pick up a barrel and scream BARRELS!!!
as you throw the barrel at her
amd while shes down, RUN BI*CH RUN!!!
continue crying like the manly man you are
"What would YOU do if you went to bed in your own room on, and wake up to see yourself about to be raped by somebody you don't even know? Hm? Doesn't feel good, does it?"
Then continue wimpering.
Get down on one knee and propose, while she is confuzzled grab a barrel and run outside and place the barrel in the way of the door and turn around while dusting your hands off. As soon as you turn around you see Twilight and only one thing comes to mind, "Oh shit."
Gather your bawler strength and ram into her, then coming off the adrenaline rush run right toward the nearest window and dolphin dive out of it
Attempt to negotiate your release, if that fails, take a fighting stance and prepare yourself. Keep in mind your advantages over her, your reach and dexterity, and her's over you, her strength and fortitude. Maintain your distance and throw quick light jabs when possible. Wait for her attempt to buck you, when this happens, jump back then jump onto her while she's recovering from the miss. Grapple her and keep your weight shifted to her front to prevent counter attack. Demand her surrender. Little did they know, you were on the high school wrestling team.
If all else fails, start petting her. If it worked with everyone else, why not Applejack?