Mock a popular religion.
Given your current state of mind you would mock a popular religion right now. Unfortunately you have no idea what popular religions exist in Equestria, or if religion is even a thing here. So doing so here would be pointless.
Hey bonny, staring contest 1.2.3 GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You looks back into Bon Bon's eyes as she looks up at you with that sultry look. Those big.... giant... anime like eyes.... You stare into them AS YOU START ANOTHER EPIC BATTLE OF....
Nope... no no nope. There will be time for epic battles of staring later. Besides you're not even sure how that is supposed to work.
As you stare at her, she inches closer to you a bit and drapes her forehooves over your thigh, kind of like how a dog would. Its at this moment that a certain realization comes over you.
You realize that Bon Bons are a food. Being in not the most clear state of mind, you ask her if she is edible.
"Hey Bon Bon," You say to her.
"Yeah," she replies.
"You aren't by any chance edible are you?" The second those words leave your mouth its only then do you realize how stupid that sounded. Hell you have no idea why you even asked that. God, you must be too damn high. Instead of getting mad though, Bon Bon just giggles to herself.
"Do you want me to be?" She asks you in an incredibly sensual way.
EPIC HUMAN/PONY THREESOME! Unlike with Twilight, this one would be consensual and thus, you are perfectly ok with it. Plus, you're so baked you don't really care that they're horses and you have hands so that's something you bring to the table.
"When Lyra gets back you want to have a threesome?" (being high as a kite takes away logical thinking)
Being high impairs judgement and sex is sex so you say:
"You, Lyra, me... we should bang."
Now while you will admit that your better judgement is at the moment impaired, and you also have to admit that these ponies are kind of adorable when they aren't trying to rape you.... or purple. Still...
Do NOT have a threesome; The whole point here is to NOT get raped by a pony. Seems a bit counter-intuitive, if you ask me.
They are still ponies. Even as you are now you can still see that. Still, the way she is looking at you.
if you value your virginity you must *boop*
her on the nose and tell her
"sorry"
"Boop," you say to her as you poke her on the nose. Almost instantaneously, her gazes moves away from your eyes and looks forward in confusion for a moment, as if not entirely sure what it was you just did. "Sorry." You say to her, thinking that you might have done something she didn't like. Instead though, her face contorts a little as she tries to hold back a giggle, but then suddenly bursts into a full on laughter. You can't help but laugh with her as well.
Your eyes slowly meet and a deafening silence resonates throughout the room. You decide to make the first move. "doo doo doo Dooh, doo doo doo Dooh, doo doo doo Dooh..." You sing, giving her a beat. "When the night... has come... and the land... is dark..." Bon Bon starts singing. Lyra comes back in during the chorus, holding a platter of sandwiches and singing at the top of her lungs "So darling, darling, stand by me, oh stand by me..." You proceed to eat and sing for the next hour or so.
After a moment of laughter your eyes meet up with hers again AND BEGIN THE NEXT no.... Instead you do something else.
"Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh," you begin to sing to yourself. After the third line of that, Bon Bon joins in and sings with you, bobbing her head slowly in time with the beat. Eventually, you stop singing and let her keep the beat.
"Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh," she keeps singing.
"When the night... has come...." You start singing as she keeps the beat going.
"Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh."
"And the land... is dark."
"Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh."
"And the moo- oo- oon... is the only light we'll see."
"Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh."
"No I won't... be afraid."
"Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh."
"No IIIIIIII wo- on't... be afraid."
"Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh. Doo doo doo dooh."
"Just so looong. As you staaaand.... Stand by me."
"So darling, darling, stand by me, oh stand by me..." the two of you turn to see Lyra start to sing as she comes back in from the kitchen. A platter of sandwiches floating next to her as well as....
It's pistachio time!
~Crack, Crack, Crack, Crack,
Cracking Gangnam Style!
Heeeeeeeey!
Crack your nuts now!
Crack, Crack, Crack, Crack,
Ey! Ey! Ey! Ey! Ey! Ey!~
A bag of pistachios.
'Oh hell the fuck yes!' you think to yourself as you see that.
"So darling, darling, stand by me, oh stand by me..." Lyra sings one more time as she walks back over to the couch and sets the sandwiches and pistachios down on the table. She climbs back up next to you and continues singing, as do you and Bon Bon. Eventually, the three of you make it through the entire song, with Lyra giving a big finish for the ending lyrics.
At that, you all break out into another fit of hysterics. The three of you don't stop laughing for several moments. You have to admit that was pretty damn funny. Hell you almost didn't expect them to know the words to that song. You would question it, but you're too damn high.
"While Lyra is away at the kitchen, there is a knock on the door. Bon Bon gets up to and looks out the window to see who it is. Her face suddenly becomes worried and she asks you "You said that it was a purple unicorn who tried to rape you, right?" you nod your head, after a few seconds there is another knock on the door and Bon Bon speaks again "She is knocking on the door".
Right as you are about to break open the bag of pistachios, there is suddenly a knock at the door.
"I'll get it," Bon Bon says as she gets up off the couch and trots over towards the door. Lyra grabs a sandwich for herself while you still work on the pistachios.
Bon Bon reaches one of the windows and pulls down the blinds (which Lyra conveniently closed when you all started to get high) to see who is outside. Suddenly, the look on her face changes to one of complete terror.
"Umm...." she says as she turns back to look at you. "You said that it was a purple unicorn who tried to rape you, right?"
"Yeah," you say in response.
"She's knocking on the door," Bon Bon says to you. Suddenly, as if on cue, the second those words leave her mouth, another pair of eyes looks through the window right at her. A pair of very angry, red, almost bloodshot eyes. She turns back to see them staring right at her.
"EEP!" She practically screams as she lets go of the blinds and backs away from the door. You and Lyra get up off the couch and walk over to her as she backs up right towards you.
Suddenly, the door the Lyra and Bon Bon's house flies off its hinges as it is torn away by magic. It gets taken out of the door frame and is thrown back like a piece of cardboard. There, on the other side of the door, are the two ponies you did not want to see. Twilight and Applejack, though they look somewhat different than before.
Twilight's mane looks all frazzled now and she is wearing what looks like red war pain on her face and cheeks. She's also wearing what looks like a skintight black, rubber looking jumpsuit that covers most of her body.
Applejack on the other hand, looks a little more threatening. She's wearing the same red facepaint as Twilight, but she only has two lines of red below her eyes. She also has what you can only guess is a Japanese bandanna on her stetson hat. She's also wearing a bandolier for some reason.
"HERE'S TWILY!!!!" Twilight says in the creepiest voice you've ever heard come from her as she enters the house. She's looking right at you.
Suddenly, you can't tell right away because you are too damn high, you're picked up in a golden glow and thrown out of the living room and into the adjacent room right next to where the stairs are. The second you hit the wall you realize that was Lyra's glow that just threw you.
"Go, get out of here!" Lyra shouts as she and Bon Bon stand in front of Twilight and Applejack respectively. "We'll hold them off!" She shouts as her horn begins to glow with magic.
"But..." You begin to say before Bon Bon turns to look at you.
"Just go, you idiot!" she screams before she's suddenly tackled by Applejack.
You need no further encouragement. You make a mad dash up the stairs and run to the second floor. Behind you you hear a fight start to break out, but you don't look back. You may have known Lyra and Bon Bon for only a short while, but you will not forget them. Not ever.
The second you reach the top of the stairs, you turn down the hallway and see a window. Without hesitation and without even thinking, you run straight forward and jump right through it. You body smashes through the window, shattering the glass and sending you tumbling towards the ground.
Somehow, as you land you roll back up onto your feet without stopping and break into a run. Wow, you've suddenly turned into a badass. You've been feeling more and more like Solid Snake ever since you got here. Maybe its the pants.
Still, no time to ponder about comparisons to video game characters now. You've got a crazy purple unicorn to escape from. Without looking you run down the street and into the town again. You really have no idea where you are going, but anywhere is better than where you are now.
As you run out of the suburb like district that you were in, you run back into the town proper and notice a very peculiar building. It looks like of like a carousel, only its clearly a building.
What do you do?
Quick ride one of the carousel ponies into the sunset!
Deciding that jumping through windows is cool now, you bust through one of the windows, find the nearest pony, and demand a place to hide. And some snacks.
With a running start, do an amazing flying kick into that carousel. Knocking the door down in the process.
Slaughter Spike, and find his mom.
Tell her Celestia did it.
Jump through the window and find the owner, explain yourself but DO NOT mention that you're high and grovel for a place to hide.
with a combination of 'highness', badassness, and miniture pants, 2 words somehow spring to mind- Fuck Doors - you Parkour the shit out of the boutique, using moves the french would be envious of.
Because of your situation, you think pony interaction should be kept to a minimum. So you climb ninja-like through a dark window on the second story. Leap to the floor in a cat-woman pose...only to land on something soft.
and furry.
called Opal.
This Solid Snake thing is really working out. It must be the pants. You observe through the window awesome (by your high as fuck mind's standards) clothing. You "logically" reason that more clothes means more Solid Snakeness meaning a higher chance of escaping your purple and orange problems. Your next course of action is one that would make Occam weep with awe at its simplicity...You smash through the window aiming for the clothes.
Run over to the building, bust the door down, smooch the surprised Unicorn on the lips, run back out the door, and casually grab a pony and rape them while running. Also, don't forget those pistachios you shoved in your pocket.
After breaking into the building, run past Rarity before she asks why you didn't just use the door like a normal person, find a room, notice Sweetie Belle, notice she's adorable, shake your head remembering why you broke in, find a room, and hide in the closet hoping nopony finds you.
Start singing Bohemian Rhapsody for no reason.
you scream while jumping threw the windows"FASHION DISASTERS"
Suddenly you hear a very peculiar and very loud noise. Turning to find the source you see a Hind helicopter flying past. You can just barely make out Jesus (wearing some really swag shades) in the pilots seat. Suddenly the cockpit opens and the co-pilot stands up, and you see it is none other than Solid Snake himself! Snake sees you and yells out, "YOU'LL NEVER BE AS COOL AS ME MOTHERBUCKER!!!" before giving you a pair of really rude hand gestures and flying off with Jesus. As they fly off into the sunset, you see Discord zoom over your head, shaking his fist at the Hind helicopter before following it into the distance. This... odd display has gained the attention of everypony in hearing distance, who are now giving you VERY strange looks.
You're a badass right now. Wanting to continue your badass streak, you do a flying kick into the door. Unfortunately, Rarity paid top bit for a well constructed door that couldn't be forced open by thieves. You think you feel your foot bones disintegrate into powder upon contact. So instead, you flying kick (with your other foot) into one of the windows. Unfortunately, it's reinforced, bullet proof glass. You feel your other foot shatter.
Deciding you don't want to know whatever uptight, worried, fretting, wreck of a pony must live here, you decide to move on so you don't accidentally run into them. For all you know, considering how tight security is here, they probably know Twilight. You don't want to be anywhere near anyone who knows Twilight.
You see a gingerbread house down the road. Deciding that you can take down a witch if one lives in there (you're badass, remember?) You decide to go get something to eat and maybe hide there.
(Out of Story Suggestion: I don't want anything to do with Rarity in this story, so I'm suggesting we skip over her. I really don't like her )
Go Mirror's edge's on the boutique, run through it, and dive out another window and keep running with this song in mind. [youtube=http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=MjmaRBLQYPQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DMjmaRBLQYPQ]
You run inside at block the door with a conviniently placed red recliner chair. You then tell the screeching marshmellow who has been calling you a shaved dog of some kind that if she doesnt shut up and hide you from the purple rape pony from 'The Shining', that you will eat her.
Feeling bad ass you decide to kick the window in, landing in the center of a large room with a few fake pony models in the corner and a white mare at the desk of a sewing machine. You wave you hands in the air to show your not trying to hurt her and shout "WAIT WAIT PLEASE, I NEED HELP!" Looking around you find an excuse to try to grow closer to the pony and not have her turn against you like the orange one did. "Could you make me a bad ass suit to fight crime in?"
Genius. As she dresses you for the suit you will ask for her name and make sure to be polite. Hopefully you can be friends with this one unlike the orange one.
Take a piss on the door then run to fluttershys chicken coop for some nice BBQ chicken
2184943 You ruminate on Snake's "sage advice" before going into White Tail Woods and going through an intense training montage to be the best infiltrator you can be.
RUN!
Steal everything inside
Oh, you (nearly) update every day, do ya? I can do that.
Using your new badass skills, enter through the front door. (Quite badass, yes?)
You look around to see that nobody(pony)'s home, but a cat comes and lovey-duveys on your leg. Looks like an evil cat, but I guess even evil cats have to like someone. You start petting the cat, and in a moment of pure highness, you decide to put a hat on it. You suddenly realize that you're allergic to cats.
(This is a dumb idea. I doubt that this will get in the story, but who cares?)
Can't you see that the mane six are bad news for humans? Avoid the Boutique altogether, you're better off searching somewhere else.
Befor you run to what you pray to be your salvation you grab your trusty cardboard box and solid snake to the fancyhouse and nock...
Wait after having ran so far you suddenly realise that only one thing can stop the elements the princess bad news she's in a heavily fortifed far away city and spike would probally turn you in to twilight so you need the highest closest ranking political figure near your vicinity then you realise the town hall surely the mayor will save you!
Kick down the door and shout "It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of bubblegum." Then when rarity tries to attack you, chuck norris comes out of nowhere and roundhouse kicks her to the moon which explodes into millions of fiery flowers of death. Then he looks at you and gives you a note that says: You owe me. You proceed to leave through the window like a boss but then you are mauled by a giant mutant opal who strangely sounds like Obama.
I regret nothing!! ...
Befor you run to what you pray to be your salvation you grab your trusty cardboard box and solid snake to the fancyhouse and nock...
Sneak inside in search of a hiding place. Get into kung fu duel with a very pissed off Opalescence.
Kick Down the door, find the nearest cat, punt kick it out the window, then a Freddie mercury pose, you know the one.
Busy down the door and yell: "THIS IS THE POLICE!!!" And use your fingers as a mock gun.
You walk up to Rarity and yell at her "YOU!! SMALL WHITE HORSE!!! DROP THE NEEDl- I MEAN WEAPON AND STEP AWAY FROM THE FABRIC!!" Then you proceed to read her her Miranda rights to her and then tie her up with fabric.
Then hide in her basement.
Like a bauss.
Oh lawd, my sides! Both the story AND the comments section routinely have me busting a gut. What a grand idea this was. Alright, here we go:
"It's time to do a quick recap of the events that have transpired thus far. Conspicuous apple-selling farmer with apple tattoo ended up joining the crazy rape team. Plain house with two everyday residents inside sheltered you, fed you, gave you pants and drugs, and then undoubtedly sacrificed their well-beings for you. Deciding that such a conspicuous looking building fits the pattern of 'bad news,' you locate the nearest cardboard box and, now with pants in tow, Solid Snake your way into the closest alley in search of a more adequate hiding place."
2184863 I, for one, am so glad you are here.
2184868 This. Fucking this.
2184943 Also this.
2184945 YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. Lol.
Avoid the buildings and instead run for the everfree, but don't go in. Make them think you did then to celebrate you're victory sing Bohemian Rhapsody, but then they hear the noise so you really do run into the everfree. After two hours of walking you find a water fall think that there may be a cave behind it that you can hind in you rush in.
There is a cave and you decide to go in deeper only to discover it's the fucking Bat-cave so you ask batman if he can deal with Twi and AJ, he says yes, but only if you don't tell anyone where the Bat-cave is.
You agree, Batman saves the day, you keep your promise, and upon walking out you get run over by a bus.
You decide to go to the nearest door, knock the door to see if there's someone inside, nobody answer it then you remembered watching that movie "Wreck-it-Ralph" and doing your best impression of Ralph you started to shout: ¡¡I'M GONNA WRECK IT!!
And ¡BANG!, now that door is history.
I regret nothing.
Ok the next thing you do now is very calmly walk over towards the carousel building and... CARTWHEEL KICK THE FUCKING DOOR IN LIKE A BADASS!
Forget the big carousel building and hide in one of the small tents, nobody(pony?) would ever think to look in a pastel colored tent for an alien.
RUN INSIDE YOU IDIOT!!!
YOUR BEING CHASED BY A PONY SIZED PURPLE DEATH AND RAPE MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i
Knock politely and ask whoever responded,
"Hello there! Would you by any chance hide me from a CRAZY PURPLE UNICORN RAPIST?!"
Then kindly accept the white mare's offer of a nice warm cup of tea.
start singing indestructible by disturbed and throw an epic manly punch at the door, punching a hole right through it knock from the inside and open the door with the hand inside the building
run through the house up the stairs and jump out another window because its so badass and land on the roof of the next building then start ninja hopping into the sunset
Hello there little kitty *HISSS!*
Ask whether she has a Metal Gear in her basement, then attempt to hide in a diamond coated box.
Run to the building and knock on the door. When Whoever answers it, tell them that you come from a society where everyone wears clothing. If that doesn't work, Beg like a man who is trying to not get killed by a insane purple unicorn.
check your surroundings make sure its clear you need to know if twi saw you leap from the window and isnt chasing you like a mare out for blood also keep an eye out for anything that could be used as a weapon melee only no ranged weaponry she can turn that against you
you smash through the wall, completely ignoring the door beside you, and slowly step back out after seeing a scary white horse face (a mannequin) staring at you creepily.