Alright it is quite obvious as to what you should do first. First off greet the Princess by saying this to her.
YOUR INNER STINKMEANER COMMANDS IT!
..... Or just greet her in your traditional fashion that you have been giving every other pony. Then ask her why you are here and whats up with this centaur crap that Twilight was obsessed over?
Don't forget to bow!
BOW! BOW TO THE ROYALTY! BOW NOW!!!
And after you bow, speak politely, address her as "Your highness" and ask her why she wanted to see you, even if you dang well know the answer. Also, comment on how lovely her Kingdom is... just as a conversation opener, try to start on a good foot.
Remember all the etiquette classes that you didn't take...wait...You didn't take any. Well then, bow and compliment her mane.
Ask to see if you can touch it, without sounding weird if possible.
Bow to her respectfully, but don't overdo it.
Suddenly you almost trip on your imaginary shoelace and barely manage to keep your balance steady.Oh, and say you like her mane too.
You just keep staring into her eyes, and she just keeps looking at you. Neither one of you even blinks. You're not really sure what to do at this point.
"BOW YOU IDIOT!!!" Ghost Pinkie Pie suddenly shouts out of nowhere as she appears and bops you on the head (at some point, you really need to look into why she is even in your head).
Without thinking, you instantly get down on one knee and bow before Princess Celestia. You also bring your head low and look at the ground. You aren't sure about all the rules of a monarchy, but you're pretty sure you're not supposed to look into their eyes unless they allow it.
Then suddenly, you start to hear Princess Celestia laugh. Well, its more of a giggle really.
"Please, rise," she says to you. "You do not have to bow in my presence." You look up a little bit and notice that she seems to be bidding you to stand. You're a bit hesitant, but you do so, as do Lyra and Bon Bon. Once again at your full height, you look Princess Celestia right in the eye. She doesn't seem to mind that much either, still, you try to look elsewhere, at least for now.
"Thank you... Your majesty," you say to her as politely as you can as you try to look anywhere but her eyes.
Try to impress her with you witty human humor.
Notice that her mane is seemingly moving on it's own in a pretty color fashion. Become enraptured by it, almost as if you are hypnotized by it's unending swaying.
Break out of your trance and realize that you are making an awkward silence for everyone so say the first thing that comes to your mind
"I really like your...Mane?"
Celestia thanks you and giggles even though that was a pretty lame thing to say.
Compliment her mane and ask if you can touch it.
i really like your mane!
i think we all no what this calls for,
EPIC CELESTIA PARTY!!!!!
also some dinosaur would be niceCELESTIA PARTY!!
"I really like your.... mane," you say to her as your eyes become instantly focused on her mane the second you look away from her eyes. It's kind of strange. You thought Rainbow Dash's rainbow mane was a little weird at first (seriously, even with the strange mane colors here you have no idea how that could possibly happen), but this... this was a full on rainbow. The way it moved, the way it flowed oh so naturally with the wind even though there was no wind you could feel, the way it.... was. The longer you stare at it, you feel sort of entrapped by it. You want to keep looking. You guess you really do like her mane.
"My my," Celestia said to you as she cocked her head to the side a little. "Aren't we polite." As she said that, she slowly began to lean in closer. "And so very.... very..." At this point, her face was right next to yours, and you swear you can feel her breath on your cheek. "Tall..." You could feel her breath on your ear when she said that to you. The moment that word left her mouth, she then brought her snout to your neck and started inhaling. She was sniffing you.
At this point, your powers of realization resurface. Princess Celestia is sniffing you. You're pretty certain you remember one of Twilight's friends (you can't remember which, or maybe it was Lyra) telling you that Twilight Sparkle was the personal student of Princess Celestia, who was currently sniffing you. Twilight is Princess Celestia's student.
Twilight....
is....
Celestia's.....
personal...
student....
and....
she...
is...
sniffing....
you....
right....
now......
YOU CAN SWEAR YOU FEEL YOUR HEART STOP BEATING AND YOUR EYES THREATEN TO BURST OUT OF YOUR SKULL!!!! BY ZEUS AND ALL THAT IS HOLY AND OR OLYMPIAN WHY DIDN'T YOU REALIZE THIS BEFORE!!!???
YOU ARE SO F*CKED..... YOU ARE SO....
Your moment of panicking is interrupted by Princess Celestia pulling her head back suddenly bursting out laughing. Not just the giggle she did before, but a full on laugh.
"Oh me...." she said in between fits of laughter. "You.... you should have seen the look on your face." At that, she couldn't help but laugh.
Great, this princess is a troll.
You want to say something, but since she is a princess, you decide to hold it in. Saying the wrong thing to her could probably land you in a dungeon somewhere... or worse.
Then suddenly, you notice Spike and Twilight walking out of the library. At this, Princess Celestia stops laughing and regains her compose. Though you do see her snicker a little bit. The two of you then watch as Spike helps Twilight into the carriage.
"Don't worry Twilight. I'll keep the library running while you're gone," You watch as Twilight just smiles at him and nods. Spike then nods back. He then turns to look at you. He nods at you, and you nod back. Princess Celestia just closes her eyes and bows her head a little at him. You then watch Spike give her a salute and walk back into the library.
"Twilight has decide to come back with me to Canterlot," she says to you. "In order to, shall we say. Get away from everything so she can clear her head." You suppose you can understand that. After last night, you'd kind of figure she wants some time alone. Shame you couldn't get any answers from her though. "I was hoping you could join us." Princess Celestia says as she turns back to face you. "After all, we do have much to discuss."
You contemplate that for a moment. You really, REALLY... don't want to be going somewhere with Twilight. On the other hand, if there is any other pony here who can probably help you, then its Celestia, who from what you've gathered... is pretty much God here.
You turn to look at Lyra, who is just nodding at you. Same with Bon Bon, though not as frantically.
"All right," you say to her after a long sigh.
"Thank you," Celestia says as she climbs into the carriage. You turn to look back at Lyra and Bon Bon.
"Tell Applejack I'll be gone for a day or so," you tell them.
"Don't worry," Bon Bon replies. "I'll take care of everything. You don't have to worry."
"And bring back something cool!" Lyra says as she puts that stupid looking grin on her face. You can't help but smile at that. You then kneel down again and hug them both. They hug you back in return. Really, you do have a lot to thank them for.
"I'll be back soon," you say to them. You then let go of them and say your goodbyes. They say their's as well. With that done, you walk over towards the carriage.
"Care to sit next to me?" Celestia asks you with that same "reassuring" smile on her face. You don't argue. You get in and take the seat next to her. Despite the fact that they are horses, they still have seats apparently. Or maybe she brought one for you, you'll never know.
Once you're in, the carriage takes off. No really, it just gets going and takes off. Though, given that its being pulled by six pegasai, you really aren't surprised.
You wave goodbye to Lyra and Bon Bon one last time as you head off, and they wave back.
After a while though, you are too far away to see them. You look back up at Celestia, who is just looking forward.
You know, since you are sitting here, right next to her, and since Twilight really didn't give you any answers last night (since she was still trying to get over everything), it couldn't help to ask her a few questions. Plus, she seems really nice. So she could be able to answer whatever you ask her.
What do you ask the princess of all ponydom, Princess Celestia.
What do you do?
Ask her
"Do you like waffles?"
What's is you favorite fruit?
You are about to ask her something VERY important until you all turn to your left and see who else but the freaking Dovahkiin riding Odahving who also looks at you. You think you hear him say "I knew I should have taken that turn at Albuquerque."
"Do you like.... MMMMMMMM BANANAS?" you say as you pull a banana bag out of the space beside her seat. You proceed to nibble her ear as you say that, effectively getting revenge for the trolling earlier.
Realize there are no seatbelts.
Well aside from the important stuff like "Why did Twilight want a Centaur" or "Can you send me back home?" which you guess will be spoken more about when you get to Canterlot, ask some personal questions about her to lighten the mood and break the silence.
Try these:
"So, I hear you raise the sun huh? So is the world flat here or something? If not, how exactly does that work?"
"Why do you go by princess instead of Queen?"
"I saw in the paper that you like cake, what's your favorite kind?"
"I had a nightmare the other night and saw an alicorn like you in it, but she was dark colored and shorter, do you know her?"
and Lastly
"How does your mane do that?"
2650466 DANG i was going to say that =C
make banana jokes now
also sing the troll sang
So, um, Princess... have you ever thought about how uncomfortable testicles really are?
Soooooo....... Princess huh? Did you inherit the title or what?
Well there's a million and one things you could ask the royal pony princess... But let's cut to brass tacks. Ask her if she knows of a way to send you home, if it's possible, if that's even an option for you.
Ask if there is anything valuable at the palace if yes ask about how tight the security is there you did promise Lyra something cool after all
Wow. I started reading this 2-4 days ago and haven't done much since. It's just so.....addictive. Random, funny, most excellent, and addictive.
I'll certainly be looking forward to more.
Ask Celestia if she knows anything about the random things you've been seeing since you've got here. i.e. the Pinkie Ghosts, Discord, Snake, and the strange winged unicorn that appeared in your nightmare.
And/or ask her why everyone walks around naked all the time. Surely there's some reason.
Ask Twilight if she's comfortable talking about why she brought you here and the rest of it. If she is, place the subject before Celestia. If not, immediately change the subject to something less volatile. (Options: you remember Twilight mentioning being the Element of Magic. Ask her to explain that, and possibly how Magic works since it's all so new to you.) Make sure you get Twilight talking so she can become more comfortable. In this way you will impress Celestia with your diplomatic capabilities.
Spit over the edge. Do it for the Lulz.
Hmmm... Got nothing.
(Now for something completely pointless and using this to help get back my imagination. Aka me typing random crap that will make no since nor will be my suggestion and will never be part of this story. Unless for some off reason you like one of my stupid idea (the primary reason why I'm writhing this down in a comment) and you do want to use it then go ahead. Finally why is this whole thing in a parenthesis it's kinda pointless now after the first sentence... Oh well)
1) Jason isn't human he is an humanoid alein that can use ideas or thoughts from his fellow race; in forms of comments (dont ask). And can summon 3 inner fictional characters but can only do two now.
2) Jason is actually a tesselector run by the crew of the enterprise and all the comments are suggestions by the crew.
3) ghost Sombra is off on a convention with a whole bunch of famous ghosts like Casper, ghost nap- wait he's alive never mind, and any other ghost I can't think of right now.
4) somehow ripping off this scene (by the way did you see Star Trek into darkness?)
5)???
6)profit
"Are you normally this erm- close with other ponies?"
"Do you like waffles?"
"Yea I like waffles."
"Do you like pancakes?"
"Yea I like Pancakes."
"Do you like French Toast?"
"The F*cks French Toast?"
It's strange. That dragon Spike is no ordinary dragon. He mastered the secret technique you'd been trying to learn during your childhood for an entire ten seconds: The Nob.
Spike can nob. All you can do is a lowly 'nod', if it's even excusable to give such a poor word such an honorable adjective like 'lowly'. Not only did Spike nob at Twilight, but he had the nerve to nob at you too. The jealously within you is burning; your desire to know his secret like acid to your psyche which is now slowly breaking apart. And all the while Celestia is just sitting there blissfully unaware of your seething rage. Even if she's secretly reading your mind, she's not showing any indication of it.
You imagine what will happen when you return; Spike is holding the Victory Trophy of Nob now, laughing at you. Discord as well as Solid Snake are both cheering and nobbing as they throw him up in the air. Snake spots you and growls, "You still ain't cooler than me until you learn how to nob, you little butt!" Everyone walks away from you and you're ditched in the center of Ponyville. Even Lyra and Bon Bon hate you now that they know your dirty secret: you will never, EVER nob. All because you didn't do the bloody research.
"Jason?"
You wake up from your daydream and turn to Celestia. She seems concerned about you; you may have made a few strange facial expressions. You put on your best poker face and say "Sorry Your Majesty, I appear to have distracted myself."
Celestia sees right through your facade. "You have some very strange daydreams."
Both of you are silent for a brief moment.
Only seconds later you both crack up with laughter at the absurdity of your thoughts as this experience cements a growing friendship between you and this land's fair ruler.
(For those of you who came in late, there used to be a typo in this chapter where Spike did a "nob" instead of a "nod". I'm sad that it was fixed, because I wanted to expand upon that and put a lot of effort into this post. )
Decide to get some payback on Trollestia. Ask out of no where -"So, who's up for a Threesome?"
For a while, relax and enjoy the passing of the clouds an-...wait, you momentarily snap out of your relaxed state to see that 3 medium sized clouds (or what could be suited to a good sized cloud) have taken on the shapes of discord, jesus, and solid snake, but instead of staying motionless, the discord looking cloud and the others seem to slowly pull out some cloud sunglasses, put them on, and then they gangam style away, all the while solid snake seems to stop for just a bit and gives you the "don't think im done with you, fucker" look; you shake your head and come to the conclusion that it was a small daydream
But as to the questions we could ask her, here's one: "Princess, while I do want to get home sometime soon, I could only do so much for twilight to help her, and while it seems to have worked, will she need any therapy or something; after all this, im worried for her, she kept trying to rape me saying she needed a centaur or something; nearly every-time I went to ask her what she needed me for, something of the (cock block'ing) inane variety always popped up and stopped me; can you help me, or is there going to be a PRICE for all this?"
Ask her about the history of Equestria.
So, now here comes the questions. If you're going to get any answers it's with the ruler of equestria and her student.
1.) Give your best smile and see if you could start up conversation
2.) Try to get serious here because this is were you try to change the subject so you can ask the important questions
3.) Ask how or if you can get home.
Also... feeling a bit uncomfortable in this carriage, huh. I mean, this is the ruler of equestria, All pony kind, and the mare who tried to rape you.
Ok you can't let Celestia try to one up ya on that "sniffing troll maneuver" so here is what you do.
1. Ask her "Do you like cake Celestia?"
2. If she answers yes then ask her "Do you eat cake on a daily basis?"
3. If she answers yes again then quickly say "Well it does show on you Princess." or "LOL, UR FAT!"
If she can make fun of your traumatic experience then you have the right to make fun of her weight!
YOUR INNER TROLL COMMANDS IT! NO REGRETS!
Afterwards you should get back down to business and ask about just what the hell all this centaur bullshit is about.
suddenly you develop severe flight sickness. VOMIT READY TO FIRE!
1. Ask "So Princess... Do you like waffles?"
2. Attempt to troll Celestia.
3. Find amusement in what you have done.
ask tia a paradoxical question ( yes or no question, is the next word you are about to say "no") beause we need to troll her back
why no Celestia party?
Remember your fear of really-high heights. Princess Celestia has distracted you from it, but you remember it now.
2650535THIS!
Ask her
"Why you so racist man?" and then act like you're in the ghetto.
TROL! in the story.
Thought you aught to know.
What is it with you and brodyquest? Seriously, I just lost another 4 minutes of my life watching it, only to remember I've seen it before.
Anyway, if you use this comment, please don't put in anything above thus line: *smacks self in head for realizing the author would probably do that anyway*
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
As you sit there, you have the urge to obey everything the princess says,
i232.photobucket.com/albums/ee270/Asriel16Asi/My%20Little%20Pony%20Friendship%20is%20Magic/OBEY-Celestia.png
And you are entirely infatuated with her mane. You MUST touch it. There is no denying it. TOUCH. THE. MANE.
Cap'n, we've got a problem. I've lost all motor control. Somethings wrond with the main computer, thrusters are offline.
Damnit Scotty, get them back online! Bones, any ideas?
Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor not a miracle worker. Why are you even asking me?
It was rather illogical to do that.
BACK TO THE POINT, cap'n, I think I can jerry-rig up a solution, but ye can't defy the laws of physics. Gimme an hour, I'll see what I can do.
Alright Scotty, let's get this over-- Is that an oversized pepper shaker?
-Transmission Lost-
"So...is Princess Luna single?"
"..."
Suddenly, a dirty poster mindng its own business floating away from Cloudsdale flew right into your face. Remember Risen Flagg and that weird feelng? Maybe you should ask. Your response is that he is a pretty swell guy, and someone tried to suffocate him with swiss cheese. You are skeptical about him being a good guy, but his situation is pitiful and laughable.
The moment you thought of a way to get celestia back for trolling you you ask her if she likes bananas. "why? she asks ". Then you tell her you like to stick it all the way in your mouth and as you said that you put a huge smile on your face. She thens smile in disgust and you stroke her mane slowly. Finaly you ay got you good and you twilght and celestia start laughing as hard as you can. At some point while you were laughing you almost fell out of the carrage.
You slowly and hopefully subtly twirl your fingers in her mane.
Then, you suddenly blurt out, "Do you smoke weed?"
Switch out Batman for the Cumberpatch Sherlock Holmes and use Holmes' natural detective skills (Batman's relies on use of his Bat-gadgets, which you obviously don't have), and totally debunk Celestia to gain her respect.
Questions to ask the God-Princess of All Ponydom:
1) Are you single?
2) When you raise the sun, aren't you technically causing the entirety of the solar system's gravity to be thrown off, causing random planets, asteroids and other cosmic objects to fly off into the various dark voids of space, thereby causing the deaths of several dozen species and destroying countless worlds?
3) Any place to get a drink around here?
4) Since you raise the sun, does that mean that, well using earth-based human mythology, that Apollo, god of the sun, ties you to a chariot and raises the sun from the sea while you pull the chariot?
5) Is that a banana in your pants or are you happy to see me?
6) Is the primary power source for Canterlot based on dilithium crystals?
And lastly:
7) If there are twelve eggs in a dozen, and thirteen muffins in a baker's dozen, how long will it take for me to seduce you, take you back to your bed chamber, make sweet heavenly, dare I say cosmic, love with you if I am riding a unicycle while trying to juggle six chainsaws, a puppy and for some reason Spike all while in the nude and singing the entire score of the HMS Pinafore backwards in Russian?
celestia starts hitting on you and you become creeped out. in response to the forwardness you start running around the carriage like a headless chicken, screw the fact there is no seat belts or anything to keep you on the carriage.
Ask Celestia if Twilight ever tried to an hero
Spot Cloudsdale, wonder aloud how the heck that works... Then see Canterlot. Nevermind the fact that it can be seen from Ponyville, this is the first time you've seen it. Make mental note of where your jaw fell off.
Darn, all the silly questions I could think of (beyond the fact that this fic's already done) have already been taken.