Drop Kick the Door
Suddenly you hear a very peculiar and very loud noise. Turning to find the source you see a Hind helicopter flying past. You can just barely make out Jesus (wearing some really swag shades) in the pilots seat. Suddenly, the cockpit opens and the co-pilot stands up, and you see it is none other than Solid Snake himself! Snake sees you and yells out, "YOU'LL NEVER BE AS COOL AS ME MOTHERBUCKER!!!" before giving you a pair of really rude hand gestures and flying off with Jesus. As they fly off into the sunset, you see Discord zoom over your head, shaking his fist at the Hind helicopter before following it into the distance. This... odd display has gained the attention of everypony in hearing distance, who are now giving you VERY strange looks.
Your attention is momentarily taken away from the strange building when you hear a very peculiar noise. A loud very peculiar noise. You look up and you feel your jaw drop past the center of the Earth when you see it.
Above you, a hind helicopter suddenly flies past with Jesus at the controls. No really, Jesus is at the controls, you can barely make him out, but its him. The helicopter flies above you and stops for a moment. Then suddenly, the cockpit opens up. Once it does, the co-pilot stands up. At the sight of him you feel your jaw form a new hole on the other side of the earth.
Solid Snake stands up from the helicopter, points at you and yells out at the top of his lungs "YOU'LL NEVER BE AS COOL AS ME MOTHERBUCKER!!!" Before throwing you several rude hand gestures (go to 4:56) at you. Then suddenly the cockpit closes and the helicopter flies away leaving you speechless.
You make a mental note to ask Lyra just what the hell kind of drugs she gave you when you're not fleeing for you life. You hope she and Bon Bon are okay.
With a running start, do an amazing flying kick into that carousel. Knocking the door down in the process.
with a combination of 'highness', badassness, and miniture pants, 2 words somehow spring to mind- Fuck Doors - you Parkour the shit out of the boutique, using moves the french would be envious of.
Because of your situation, you think pony interaction should be kept to a minimum. So you climb ninja-like through a dark window on the second story. Leap to the floor in a cat-woman pose...only to land on something soft.
and furry.
called Opal.
Run over to the building, bust the door down, smooch the surprised Unicorn on the lips, run back out the door, and casually grab a pony and rape them while running. Also, don't forget those pistachios you shoved in your pocket.
Using your new badass skills, enter through the front door. (Quite badass, yes?)
Kick down the door and shout "It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of bubblegum." Then when rarity tries to attack you, chuck norris comes out of nowhere and roundhouse kicks her to the moon which explodes into millions of fiery flowers of death. Then he looks at you and gives you a note that says: You owe me. You proceed to leave through the window like a boss but then you are mauled by a giant mutant opal who strangely sounds like Obama.
I regret nothing!!
...
Kick Down the door, find the nearest cat, punt kick it out the window, then a Freddie mercury pose, you know the one.
Busy down the door and yell: "THIS IS THE POLICE!!!" And use your fingers as a mock gun.
You decide to go to the nearest door, knock the door to see if there's someone inside, nobody answer it then you remembered watching that movie "Wreck-it-Ralph" and doing your best impression of Ralph you started to shout: ¡¡I'M GONNA WRECK IT!!
And ¡BANG!, now that door is history.
I regret nothing.
Ok the next thing you do now is very calmly walk over towards the carousel building and... CARTWHEEL KICK THE FUCKING DOOR IN LIKE A BADASS!
start singing indestructible by disturbed and throw an epic manly punch at the door, punching a hole right through it knock from the inside and open the door with the hand inside the building
run through the house up the stairs and jump out another window because its so badass and land on the roof of the next building then start ninja hopping into the sunset
With the helicopter gone, you return your attention to the strange carousel-like building in front of you. Part of you wants to stop what you are doing and look for a cardboard box you can sneak around it, but since you've already used that joke and the fact that there don't seem to be any cardboard boxes around, that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon.
You make a mental note to look out for any cardboard boxes that might show up in the future though. This time Snake just made it personal. Anyway back to the matter at hand.
Perhaps its a strange combination of the drugs, the pants, and the fact that you just jumped out a window like a badass a second ago, but right now you are feeling like an absolute badass. So, with feeling like a badass, you come to one conclusion.
'FUCK DOORS,' you think to yourself as you make a mad dash for the building. Yeah, definitely must be the drugs.
RUN!
And run you do.
The song Indestructible by Disturbed begins to play in your head as you run as fast as you can towards the building. Yes this is the perfect song for the perfect badass. You are a badass. You are unstoppable. No- YOU ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE!!! NOTHING WILL STOP YOU NOW, NOT EVEN A PURPLE UNICORN!!!
As you get close to the building, you suddenly realize that you need a badass line for a badass entrance.
"IMAWREKTHAPOLICEIVECOMETOKICKASSANDCHEWBUBBLEGUMANDIMALLOUTOFGUM JEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You scream at the top of your lungs as you jump up and throw a flying kick towards the door because FUCK DOORS! You are a badass and badasses do not need to use doors!
It only occurs to you afterwards that you should have screamed "DYNAMIC ENTRY!!!" as well, but que sera sera you suppose.
You're a badass right now. Wanting to continue your badass streak, you do a flying kick into the door. Unfortunately, Rarity paid top bit for a well constructed door that couldn't be forced open by thieves. You think you feel your foot bones disintegrate into powder upon contact. So instead, you flying kick (with your other foot) into one of the windows. Unfortunately, it's reinforced, bullet proof glass. You feel your other foot shatter.
Unfortunately, the second your foot hits the door, you stop dead in your tracks. You can swear you feel every bone in your foot shatter. The door doesn't budge an inch and you feel your badass powers evaporate instantly upon contact with it.
"OW!!!!" You scream as you fall to the floor and grab your poor foot in your hands. "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!" You say over and over again as if somehow that will help it heal instantly.
"What in the name of King Louie the 14th's colorful pleated trousers is going on out here?" You look up to see a white unicorn with a wavy purple mane and a pair of red glasses balanced on her nose in the doorway (which is now open) looking down at you. Her voice has a hint of a french accent that is obviously fake.
Instinct taking over, you quickly leap to your feet, rush past her into the building and shut the door behind you.
"What..." Is all the alabaster unicorn can say before you are suddenly on your knees with your hands clasped together.
explain yourself but DO NOT mention that you're high and grovel for a place to hide.
"PLEASE HELP ME!!!" You say to the alabaster unicorn trying not to sound as high as you obviously are. "YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME HIDE HERE PLEASE!!!" You tell her.
The unicorn just gives you an extremely confused look in response. She obviously has NO IDEA what is going on.
What do you do?
While writing this chapter I had the song Raining Blood by Slayer playing in the background instead of Indestructible. 
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Explain the situation calmly and reasonably for once and then kindly ask her help.
Bribery usually does the trick. Offer her 10 solids if she will keep you safe from Twilight and Applejack.
Plead to her vanity to make sure you get a hiding placr.
However... When Twilight inevitably passes by, Rarity imprisons you in a gem and gives you over.
Quickly explain your situation at a speed that even Pinkie Pie (not that you know who that is) would be impressed with.
If you help me out with my girl troubles, I'll be yours forever! Just be nice to me when you do...
Ask whether Twilight Sparkle has accidentally cast a estrus spell on herself.
You sigh and explain everthing truthfully hoping would understand. Lucky she does and for some reason she teleports her and you to a tree where a small dragon is sleeping...
Sing "I will survive"
Grovel like a true bad ass and then beg for mercy in the most manly way possible ....
Channel your inner Biff Tannen by knocking on her skull while yelling "Hello, anybody home?"
After looking around the room you notice she is a seamstress of some sorts
"Tell me how to do fashion, oh great master!"
If that doesn't work find a three-holed balaclava a piece of paper with a crudely drawn face on it, some string, and possibly a cigar. Then walk on casually out the building like a sir.
Tell her if she hides you from the purple rapist, you will tell her everything you know about human clothing and fashion, if you know nothing, make up shit that sounds reasonable.
in the middle of explaining raid her fridge then ask her if she has doritos
Celestia gets raped and falls in love with the rapist.
You look through the door and see enough to conclude she is a dress maker. Then say this.
" I see you are a dress maker. I'm from a far away land. I will share my knowledge of my cultures fashion if you hide me from the insane purple one."
Tell Rarity the purple one is looking to add humans to long list of things she's run over with her rape train. Also, offer her the chance of using your bipedal form to create unique fashions that no pony could possibly wear.
Punch her in the face if she says no, or start by grabbing her horn and rubbing it if she says yes.
"If you help me I'll give you a chimichanga"
I am from another universe help me hide from the purple unicorn trying to rape me and I'll teach u about may universes fashion
Explain the situation a calmly as you can. (which is not at all)
You see a cat and run over to it, punt it out the window, and do a Freddie mercury pose. your inner badass is returning.
the flash is your grandfather, so you ran over to where the cat would land, stick your penis out and the cat slams into it, decimating upon impact. you use your massive junk to bounce around like a pogo stick back to rarity's to Chinook drop the ten pieces of opal while dive bombing at 190 mph at 90 degrees downwards with constant explosions following behind you, Miranda sunglasses on your eyes yelling "Great big balls of fire!" as you drop a nuke on a cardboard box, rainbowdash following your Chinook, you stick your penis out and slam it into the ground, yeah this isn't happening. You are really on the ground convulsing infront of rarity.
Step 1: take off pants
Step 2: use pants to pay for safe hiding space
Step 3: have a staring contest with a chair
Step 4: wonder if you left your blender running back home
Wear all the clothes?
She's obviously a vain pony so compliment her (like a sir).
Politely ask for a spot of tea and a conversation about fashion.
look up into her eyes and realize "Jesus she's adorable" and very quickly you realize that you said it out loud.
rarity blushes "well aren't you the gentlecolt" she has bedroom eyes
suddenly the door flies across the room and the fucking purple pony is there eyes red with anger
"you will be raped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you look back to rarity eyes pleading
"can i help twilight" she says with a grin
"Ahem, forgive me. I am the emissary of the Kelton Race. I have traveled a long distance in order to reach your world so that my leaders may learn more about the wonderful garments of legend that the ponies of this region wear. But alas, my people are allergic to sunlight. I only ask that you shield me from this dreaded light so that I will not break out into hives, choke on my own duodenum, and die. In fact, it would probably be a good idea to board up all the windows and never open the door. Do this, and my people will thank you, flocking lightyears across space to see your wonderful store."
Grovel for a place to hide as manly as possible, its the only way.
tell her if she hides you from the purple rapist, you will tell her everything you know about human clothing and fashion, if you know nothing, make up shit that sounds reasonable.
Tell her about the crazy purple pony whos trying to do crazy unspeakable acts on your person. Be sure to stress to her that you are not high and her manikins 'manequins?' are definitly not talkin to you. They are definitly not demanding you to "give them the mechanical man".
Tell her the truth... And by that I mean, grab her by the shoulders, shake back and forth, and say in scared tone, "Twilight is trying to rape me!"
Wave your hands in the air and shout "WAIT! before you go and close the door on me! I need to hide from someone who i think is trying to kill me!" You drop to your knees and make the best puppy face you can manage "Please?"
If you manage to get inside:
1) Explain what happened (leaving out the high part)
2) ask her if she could possibly help you
3) Hide in her closet
I regret nothing
Explain to her to situation, hope to god (since jesus is clearly out ot get you.) she does.
1 explain how purple and orange ponies are trying to rape and murder you
2 beg for her to hide you
3 hope she dosent rat you out
Let me consult Mokuba real quick. What should he do?
Thanks, Mokuba. As always you've been a big help.
"Hit her in the nads!"
She doesn't have those things!
"In that case, I'm all out of options."
"No problem, bro."
Explain the situation to her as calmly as you can- you know what fuck it if she doesn't believe you after you tell her your situation then just threaten to ruin all of her dresses by squirting ketchup onto all of them. THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST LOGICAL REASONING YOU CAN DEDUCE!
Time to use the acting skills(pfft) you gained in 'speaking in a Victorian accent class101' (aka mocking game chap and burtie) to (hopefully not literally) kiss this new corn cob head pony's ass (not cranky doodle) to hide from Miss "I-will-rape-everything-you-love-in-a-purple-whirlwind"
In all seriousness though, explain to her how twilight is apparently hell-bent on raping you, and applejack seems to have joined her. Hopefully after you explain the situation to her, she'll help you in any way she can, and WON'T join the raep train (destination: you), because lets face it, you want to survive with your virginity intact, don't you?
"2 words! CRAZY! PURPLE! UNICORN! owait that's 3"
If Rarity is going to kick you out or rat you out to Twilight and Applejack, tell her how they attacked your friends Lyra and Bon Bon in their own house, show her that her friends are not sane, and don't forget to tell her that they will KILL YOU if they find you. AND don't forget to tell her that you are the victim in all this.
plan a: burst in the door and hide in a box
plan b: pretend to be an mannequin (probably spelled that wrong)
plan c: the usual (run)
Time to go join the foursome, clearly. Man I could've had fun with this. Also, isn't "my" foot broken?
You just say these words. "I'M DEAD MEAT THAT IS ABOUT TO BE RAPED BY A PURPLE HORSE!!!"