DO YOU WORK FOR TWILIGHT DO YOU!!!! and do you have a strainge human fetish i shuld know about?
1st question: what is your name and did a purple unicorn send you to try and capture me?
ask if she knows twilight sparkle
1. are you a SPY?
2. (if she says no) Then why were you looking for me.
"Twilight's been trying to rape me, did she sent you to look for me? She's dangerous!"
1) Are you working for Twilight, Rarity, or yourself in an attempt to rape me?
what is your name?
did that purple rapist pony send you?
"Do you know twilight sparkle?" She nods
Did she send you? she says no
1. "Why is there a purple pony out to get me?"
2. "Are you working for/against her?"
1. Did Twilight ask you to look for me?
"Are you a spy?"
agree with most of you guys. definitely ask "do you know twilight', Do you know why she is chasing me" etc. after she answers your questions, explain your situation, apologizing for attacking her (because you didn't know if she was freindly or not), and enlisting her help against twilight, promising to teach her an ancient arcane technique. if she agrees, yell "DO A BARREL ROLL" and teach her the aileron roll instead. because barrel/aileron rolls deflect projectiles plus look really cool.
...
that is all.
p.s. sorry for the run on sentence
What is your name
TELL ME WHO YOU'RE WORKING FOR!
1. DO YOU WORK FOR THE PURPLE RAPIST!?
2. Where you looking for me? if no then who or what?
Given the circumstances you decide to ask the most obvious question first.
"Who are you?" you ask. "What's your name?" You slowly remove your hand from her mouth while at the same time throwing her a look that says 'You scream you're dead.'
"Uhh.... Uh...." She says to you. "Rainbow Dash...." Figures her name would be something having to do with Rainbows. Okay, now that that's out of the way.
"Did a purple unicorn send you?" You ask her next.
"What...?" she responds, apparently confused.
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE! DID SHE SEND YOU!?" You ask her again with a bit more force, though not too much, you don't want to attract too much attention now. "DID SHE SEND YOU HERE TO LOOK FOR ME!? ARE YOU A SPY!!??"
"What..." she responds. "No, no not really she didn't really send me here," You glare at her. "Okay, yeah she DID send me here to look for something called a human but..." Great. Just f***ing great. Now that crazy unicorn's got flying ponies looking for you. "But she ran off before she even told me what a human was!" Rainbow Dash continues. "I really don't even know what I'm..." Her eyes suddenly shrink down to the size of pinpricks again as a realization suddenly hits her. "You're a human aren't you?"
"Hey I'm the one asking the questions here!" you silently yell at her. You really don't want to respond to that one. Even if you don't, you know that Ms. Rainbow Dash here will probably go back and Twilight she saw you here even if she doesn't know what you are, so that really doesn't help much.
Okay, next question.
It looks like she is going to be honest. Ask why everybody is following you.
Are you females in heat?
"Why is that nutter of a unicorn chasing me like I'm a piece of meat?"
why are you ponies after me?
Ok first question then! Do you know who Twilight Sparkle is?
Second question! If so did she send you to find me?
Third question! How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll© center of a Tootsie Pop©!?
Ok maybe that last question was not really helpful so onto question four! Are you female ponies in heat or something!?
are all the mares in heat or something? she blushes deeper
1 can you explain why i've been assaulted by every mare in town.
Ask her these questions:
where am I?
Who are you?
And why is there a crazy purple unicorn trying to rape me?
Ask her, why is almost every pony trying to rape you?
"Why is she trying to rape me!?" you ask her. You would have asked about why every mare in this town is trying to have their way, but as you think about it, you realize that there was really only one other pony that tried that, and that was Rarity. Applejack was chasing you cause you wrecked her apple stand (which is why you are here now) and Lyra and Bon Bon didn't try anything with you, so really it was only two mares that you've met.
"Rape you!?" Rainbow Dash responds, her eyes somehow getting even smaller as those words hit her ears. Like with Rarity, she seems shocked beyond belief that you would even suggest that.
"Yeah," you reply. "Are all you mares in heat or something?" You have no idea why you asked that, but hey, seems logical.
"No... no.... no were not!" She stutters a bit due to the shock of what you asked her before. "We don't go into season for another couple months. Unless you..." She then pauses for a moment to sniff the air. As she does, you see a blush appear on her face. "Oh my..." she says. Okay she's clearly flushed you need to get her mind off that.
third: what is the air speed velocity of a swallow?
"What...is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" You ask her.
"What?" She ask you, the blush disappearing from her face as she says that. "What do you mean an Equestrian or..." You cover her mouth before she has a chance to even finish that sentence. You really don't care what the answer is and you really don't want to let her finish that either way. Besides, if it turns out that she knows what Monty Python is, that raises an entirely new set of questions.
Now back to the important questions.
Why did you come down to see me and why are your wings so extended as we will say?
2nd question: Are you going to try and rape me, because I nearly got raped by a purple unicorn who looked like she was on meth, and a white unicorn who almost did the same......uh, twilight sparkle and rarity respectively, I believe their names were
2. Your wings... They straightened when you saw me... Elaborate.
3.*after she answers question 2* You're not going to rape me... RIGHT?!
"Do you intend to bring about a coupling of our external reproductive organs in a forceful manner, or assist another in doing so?" (The word 'rape' gets thrown around much too casually.)
"Your wings..." You begin to say to her. "They straightened up when you saw me..." Suddenly another realization dawns on you. "You're not going too...." You don't even get to finish that sentence as you notice the look on her face change to a look of disgust.
"What! No! Oh by Celestia, Luna and Tartarus no!" She responds like any normal person would have to someone who just suggested that they have sex with an animal. "I don't even know what you are. Why would I..."
"Oh thank god," you say to yourself in response.
"Although...." At that word you suddenly look back down at her with interest. What is this 'although' she is about to speak of? "You do smell nice." She blushes again as she says that.
Okay that confirms a running suspicion you've had since you got here. There is something on you that's driving mares crazy, and apparently they can smell it. It does make sense, obviously ponies would have a stronger sense of smell than you would. As far as what it is though, you don't think you're gonna get an answer from this pegasus, she doesn't look like she would know anyway.
You would bring up your luck with women back home, but you figure that hardly matters right now. So moving right along...
Second :what is your favorite color?
Is that your real color?
is that your original hair color?
"Is that your actual hair color?" You ask her. That question really has nothing to do with anything, but it is something you really wanna know. Also you mentally kick yourself in the head for forgetting that its MANE here, and not hair. Though they are the same thing so...
"Yeah, yeah it is," she responds. You're not about to ask how that is cause you're pretty sure you know the answer you'll get. It would be nor different from someone asking you why your hair color is the way it is.
Next question.
2) Do you know Lyra & BonBon and are they ok?
"You wouldn't happen to know Lyra or Bon Bon, would you?"
"You wouldn't happen to know Lyra and Bon Bon would you?"
"Lyra and Bon Bon?" She replies, a little confused.
"Yeah," you say to her. "Do you know if they're okay?"
"I don't know," she responds, now she looks even more confused. "I haven't seen either of them since yesterday." Okay, so no word on them yet. Still, you have hope for them. You're not sure why, but you do.
Also you notice that she doesn't seem to be as intimidated by you as much as when you started. Maybe she's just getting used to the situation.
Ask her if Ponies have developed the technology necessary to produce Hind Helicopters yet
2 helicopters, talk.
She can fly, ask if shes seen a hind helicopter
"You ponies wouldn't happen to have the technology necessary to produce hind helicopters would you?" You ask her.
"What the buck is a helicopter?" is all she responds back to you with. You knew that question was a shot in the dark, but hey, at least it was a shot.
As you talk to her, the cardboard box randomly explodes into pieces. For some reason nobody other than you particularly notices, or cares.
Almost immediately after you ask that question, you hear what sounds like an explosion. You look over to see the box you were hiding under now in pieces. Oddly enough though, Rainbow Dash here doesn't seem to notice. Not really knowing what to make of this situation, you just shrug it off and turn your attention back to her. Either way, she's not getting out of this just yet. One more question.
what is the meaning of life?
what is the anser to life?
"What's the answer to life, the universe and everything?" You ask her. Yeah you're running out of good questions you can ask her.
"42," she replies. Now its your turn for your eyes to get wide. How could she have possibly known that?
"All right, time ta get back ta..." you suddenly hear Applejack say as she walks around the cart to talk to you. When she sees you she stops dead in her tracks. Its at that moment you look down at the position you're in. You're on top of Rainbow Dash pinning her to the ground. Yeah, this isn't at all awkward in any way.
"Okay, I know how this looks Applejack but..." You sit up a little bit as you say that. Big mistake.
You got up off of Rainbow Dash a little as you sat up to try and explain to Applejack what was going on. With your body a little off of hers, it gives her the opening she needs. She pushes you up off of her with her front hooves and with a little help from her wings, she pushes herself off the ground and uses her momentum and gets on top of you.
Its at that moment your inner solid snake kicks back in. You quickly roll to your right out of the way before she can get on top of you and roll back onto your feet. To your right you notice a stack of empty baskets that you put there earlier.
"She's working for Twilight!" You yell at Applejack as you pick one up. "Don't let her get me!" As you say that you pick up one of the baskets and throw it at Rainbow Dash, who had just pounced off the ground and was flying right at you. Right before she hits you though, the large basket lands right on top of her head and stops her. She falls back towards the ground in a daze. With this distraction, you do the one thing you've found yourself good at doing since you got here. You turn towards the apple orchard and run.
"Hey get back here!" Rainbow Dash yells at you as she pulls the basket off of her head. She flares her wings back out ready to fly again.
"Oh no you don't!" Applejack suddenly tackles Rainbow Dash and pins her back towards the ground. Its at that moment that Big Macintosh comes over and sees what's going on.
"Applejack! What the hay are you doing!?" Rainbow Dash asks her. Applejack just ignored her.
"Get after 'em!" Applejack yells at Big Macintosh while motioning over towards the orchard.
"Eeyup!" is all Big Macintosh says in response as he turns and starts galloping off towards the orchard after you.
You run into the apple orchard into the trees. You figure if Rainbow Dash can fly then the trees might do a good job of hiding you. Right now though you just run straight into the forest without stopping. You don't look back you just run. For whatever reason you're feeling more confident in yourself this time around. Maybe its your inner Solid Snake.
Once you feel confidant enough that you're far enough from the ranch, you take a left off the path and run into the trees. You dash (pun intended) into the trees and keep running, not once slowing down. There is however, one problem.
This orchard is friggin huge, and you have absolutely no idea where you are going.
What do you do?
Pray to the almighty Nicholas cage that he can protect in your time of need and uncertanty, to guide and to cherish and to protect you from the heretic John travolta.
Climb a tree.
Consider doing that thing where cartoon characters hide behind a thin object like one of these tree trunks.
dig a whole with a random shovel they left here also rub some dirt on you something on you is making some of them go
You climb a tree and find some fruit bats. From there, you hand out with your new fruit-themed friends, and they hide you from the crazy ponies. Hopefully.
Climb a tree and live in the leaves till the heat dies down.
Remember one of your hominid advantages. Climb up and hide in one of the apple trees and get some rest and food.
Rainbow dash said that you smelled nice.
try to find some way to hide your body odor.
You're already very tired from working the orchard all day, so you can't run for long. Having no other options you dive into the nearest bush, praying to Helicopter Jesus that Big Mac doesn't find you. You're breathing pretty heavily so you know that even if he didn't see you he'll hear you once he gets close. As you start to panic you notice that you're not the only thing in the bush. On the ground you notice a fake mustache, a monocle, a dapper top hat, and a note that says for mustache, monocle, and/or top hat emergencies. Slowly a plan comes together in your head that just might fool the obviously very...simple stallion.
As he approaches your hiding place you suddenly pop out wearing said fake mustache, monocle, and dapper top hat. You then say to him in your best refined English accent: "Why hello there! My name is Sir. Suave, ambassador from Humanville to Equestria! I was just passing through admiring your fine apple orchard when this absolutely rude yet strangely handsome fellow ran right by me and took off to the north of here! He wouldn't happen to be a friend of yours would he? Oh well, it's no business of mine. Cheerio my good chap!" You then walk off like a boss.
for no apparent reason you start singing a song you saw on the internet.
For some strange reason you hear a ringing sound, you look around you and you see a telephone booth. So you walk up to the ringing phone and pick it up to your ear and you hear a female voice "Use it well" and you are now suspended in the air surrounded by a pure white aura. After a 2 minuets in the air you finally drop and now your hands have a white aura around them ... Use it well
As my role model says in these types of situations: Run!
make sure no creepers come out from behind the trees.
Piss a smiley face onto the trunk of an apple tree. Maybe if you smell as nice as Rainbow says, the mares will be drawn to that tree so you can get further away? And if not, at least you've made a happy-faced tree friend.
The inner pyro comes out and makes you want to burn something, so you start a forest fire, then walk away from the flames, putting on a pair of aviators without looking back like a true badass
Hands. amaze the ponies with tricks of your hands.
2236442 LOL GENIUS
You see something large drop into the orchard with a big boom...
Revealing it to be Revolver Ocelot in a Metal GEAR Ray who then challenges you to a mecha duel, and summons a Metal GEAR REX for you to use.
Pray to Almight God (also known as Morgan feeman) to protect your ass (both figurativly and literaly) from the Crazed Mcdonald burger horse thats chasing you, cause Jesus is clearly not helping.
Id say climb a tree, but you remember the red one would just kick it down.
Oh, poo, my ending wasn't picked. That's okay though, because I have some new ideas!
Big Mac only needs to run for a matter of seconds to catch up with you. You don't have a plan so you'll just have to wing it. You suddenly think of something you saw in a cartoon: Running up to a pole and swinging to get on top of you adversaries. You're in a world from a cartoon, so why shouldn't this work? You see a perfect branch to swing on.
"One.. two..." While you count this down in your head, you hear the Final Countdown by Europe playing. "THRE-!" you shout aloud, intending to tastes freedom. Instead you taste failure, and it tastes a lot like dirt. You realize that you are tasting dirt, and feel Big Mac on your shoulder blades. How didn't you notice a several-hundred pound horse on you back before? Well, that doesn't matter. He caught you, the jig is up. Although you're probably just gonna go back to pulling the cart...
¡¡Time to use my super abilities of climbing trees!!
Discover CMC club house
Pray to the Marker, and ask for it to bring glorious convergence to the land of Equestria. After all, What's Big Mac against necromorphs?
Whatever you do, if you see a line of foreboding trees past the apple orchard, don't go that way.
Do not climb the apple trees. Big Mac will just knock you down. Or if cartoon physics are in play he could bend the tree and slingshot you out, which wouldn't be pleasant.
Also, try to find something to mask your body odor. You're in a farm. Perhaps you could smear yourself with pig or cow crap if you somehow found yourself in the pens? It wouldn't be nice, but who wants to rape something that smells like fertilizer?
You find the CMC clubhouse.
Upon entering, you discover that they are chanting something Latin and are surrounded in a summoning circle.
They're trying to get their demon summoning cutie marks.
>Go Northeast
>you are in an orchard
>Go Northeast
>you are in town
(i looked at a map of the town, SAA is southwest of it. use the sun as a compass.)
randomyay...
climb one of the trees
> You trip on a pitchfork
Pick it up and use as a weapon if anypony catches up to you
Suddenly, you hear a voice. "Hey Human... Hey Human... We found a map to Sugarcube Corner."
You look behind you to see Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy seeming very... odd. But they insist you go to Sugarcube Corner. Still, better than being raped by Twilight or Rarity.
Pray for the almighty Morgan Freeman aka god to save you because you are clearly too tired to escape from Big Mac due to your working tiring you out.
Look for the compost heap and roll in it. You have to get rid of your manly smell!
1. Hide in a tree.
2. Wait until nightfall.
3. Sneak out of the orchard when its dark using the same path you came in on.
"What am I fighting forrrrrr?!"
runnign running running running!
(pull back a branch)
face!
(hits big mac face dead center)
now then
RRRUUUUUUNNN
Run face first into a tree..
.. Ouch
Start
Keep running until you run into some random pony, shout "I AM A MAN!", and punch them as hard as you can. Then keep running.
wish that your Sonic the Hedgehog
Dammit. You write too fast. Guess I'll just stick around for the ride mostly.
In the tune of Lory's Just keep swimming song from Finding Nemo. Just keep running. Just keep running. Just keep runing, running, running. What do you do? You just keep running. etc.