I say, "Excuse me, but do you happen to speak English?"
"Uhh ha ha ha..." Is all that comes out of your mouth as you look back up into the purple unicorn's eyes. Your face shows how obviously nervous you are. "Excuse me, but do you happen to speak English?" You have no idea why you asked a pony that question, but the book it was holding was in English so you figured why the hell not. Surprisingly, the unicorn giggles at you before responding.
"*Giggle... Of course I can speak English," It says to you in an obviously girly voice. Given the circumstances you are forced to conclude that this unicorn is female. At this you are stunned, here you are suddenly waking up with this purple unicorn standing over you, and now you find out that not only does it use magic, but it talks.
"Uhh.... Hi," You say to her in a way that doesn't sound any less nervous than before.
"Hello," She replies to you as she leans in closer. "I'm Twilight Sparkle." She says to you in a voice that you can only describe as 'downright sultry'
your face shows how nervous you are.
"if you plan to do anything sexual, at least be gentle!" you squeeze your eyes shut, awaiting the bittersweet embrace.
"Uhh...." You begin to say. "If you plan to do anything sexual, at least be gentle!" You say to her as you close your eyes. At this, she simply giggles again. For whatever reason she sounds kind of cute when she giggles. Hell if she weren't obviously a horse you might find that voice a little sexy.
"I'm sorry, but one does not simply ask the prized student of Princess Celestia to be gentle."
Yell "I need an adult" over and over again.
"I NEED AN ADULT!!!" You scream at the top of your lungs.
"I am an adult," Twilight replies to you as she leans in closer.
Step1: Pretend to have a seizure. Twilight will be confused and step back as you writhe in fake agony.
Step2: You have now completely caught Twilight off guard. Throw the book, which will assist in distracting Twilight, and run to jesus for help.
Step3: Repent and thou shalt be saved.
Step4: Jesus says you're going to hell. Roll up into a ball and cry as Twilight drags you into her tree house for some hot man on mare action.
Step5: Sell baby human/pony half breeds to a circus.
Step6: ???
Step7: Profit.
With the situation now dire you're left with only one option. EXECUTE NATURAL DEFENSE MECHANISM!!!!
Unfortunately your natural defense mechanism at this moment seems to be 'pretend to have a seizure' so that's what you do. You start off slow at first, but then after a moment you start shaking on the ground uncontrollably. Twilight just giggles in that cute voice of hers at you again.
"Silly human, that's not going to work on me." Suddenly, her horn glows again and you can feel your head and arms become enveloped in a magenta glow. Without much effort at all, Twilight presses your head into the ground and pulls your arms away from you to restrain you.
crinkle or rip a page of the book and watch as twilights OCD takes hold
"RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The sudden and unexplainable sound catches both of you off guard. Strangely enough, the unicorn who calls herself 'Twilight Sparkle' seems to have released her magical hold on you. You open your eyes and look up at her face again, its not the same as it was before.
Her face looked like it was frozen in absolute shock. Her sultry smile was gone and was replaced by a sort of frown that made her mouth look incredibly small. Her giant anime eyes were open as wide as they could possible be, though they seemed to be fighting their eyelids so they could open wider. Her anime eye pupils had shrunk down to pinpricks, no larger than the head of a needle.
'Whatever happened must have really flipped her off' your Crispin Freeman inner monologue says.
Its only then that you notice a piece of paper lying on your chest. You can't see quite what it is, but you can tell there are quite a lot of words on it as well as an erotic drawing. You then look over to your right hand. In it is the Pony Sutra, but you can obviously see that a page has been ripped from it. You look back at the page, then at the book, and then back at Twilight. She still has the same shocked look on her face as before, but now her left eye is twitching. Twitching frantically you might add.
What do you do?
Shout "Look, a distraction!" while pointing to your left. Then, while she is distracted, you run.
While running, you trip over a Pikachu and throw it at Twilight, who erupts into flames.
2152286
Quick! Toss that Master Ball which just so happens to lie at your feet!
"Now hold up," you say. "Why worry about that book when you can make another one of a kind! You have the opportunity of a lifetime, meeting the first human in Equestria, and all. Feel free to ask me anything." Hopefully new knowledge will be more important to her than that page you just tore out.
Open the portal and swan dive into hammerspace and as you aimlessly drift through the lonely void, sing [youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYgZ6fNrnNE] and then you see Celestia's angy face who kicks you onto twilight sparkle with her eyes.
Get up, trip her, and run behind Apple Jack's stand, making her swear not to say a word.
FUCKING RUN!
Tickle her..
...until her death
Robo-Ninja George Bush appears... OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE!
Get the flip out of dodge!
Again, Touch her plot and run away giggling. Hope you remembered your comemmorative Final Fantasy VII Headband of Status Protection +34 with Magic Spell Protection.
Look back at her carefully, and in your most soothing voice say the following.
"Now, I'm terribly sorry about the damage to your book. How about you let me up, we both go to a store and get some tape or other mending equipment and fix this. After that, we can both sit down, maybe have some tea, and discuss how I got here and exactly why you were hanging over me with said book. Sound good?"
At this time, praying inwardly for your continued health is highly recommended.
Try to run, somehow run into Aquaman, ask for his help, and he summons Cthulhu.
Wimper even more patheticly then before "please be gentle....."
Only to see her break out into an evil lookin smile that holds promis of pain
"Well im boned... literraly."
Have a book burning party
Eat the page it can't taste very good but it would be fun to see her go over the edge
find your pants dammit
Crush the page into a ball and throw it. With any luck, she'll go after it, and you can leg it.
...yeah, that's all I've got. Only other option is to either wait for the kaboom and hope you survive the fallout, or you could say something so completely ridiculous that it shuts her brain down long enough for you to run.
swear loudly, several times. "I'M NOT INTO BESTIALITY. GET OFF OF ME!" this, along with other insults and general bad-mouthing is punctuated by writhing and struggling
Call Odahviing to come save your ass.
summon pinkie via screaming to the whole world you are new in town and that it's your 2nd 20th birthday
because apparently you are able to turn a certain age twice due to a mistake in the maiyan calendar and other random facts you half-assedly pulled from your world that she will never figure out.
Just shout " IT BEGINS!" it usually does the trick.
Before Twilight is able to disintegrate you, you say "WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!" You take a deep breath to steady your nerves. "My sincerest apologies for your book. I'm just confused and a little frightened right now. Any chance I could get an explanation for what the heck's going on?"
Well, looks like the ride is over. Jeeves! Activate the self-destruct!
Activate a quick punch to where you suspect her ovaries/kidney are, while she is on the ground in pain, do a quick jig on her book, then pray to just teleported Jesus to grant you to run like a Nigerian Olimpic gold metal winner.
Attempt to hold an epic speech, making sure "I regret nothing" is emphasized and hope for the best. If said plan does not work as expected, scream "Leeroy Jenkins" and attempt to sweep her legs away thus making her fall. You are not safe yet, so run as quickly as you can in zig-zags but you have to turn in corners to lose her.
Hold the book hostage and threaten to remove more pages if your demands are not met.
Throw the page. While she's distracted knock her out with the book and then run!
2152349
Second.
2152907 explanations in a comment-driven fic? you're joking, right?
do the harlem shake!
And that's when you see a nearby apple stand manned by a lone mare with a stetson. Hurry and offer to buy all her apples if she helps you outta this jam!
2153277, I wouldn't be surprised if that comment was serious. Some people want a little bit more organization in their dose of madness.
you reach up and tickle the bah-jeesus outta her!
I call bullshit! Fake seizures ALWAYS work for me! I demand MOAR!
P.S Tell her that book ripping is the natural form of intercourse for your species. Automatic turn off.
They destroyed it all, those damn stupid bastards. They blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to hell! THOSE DAMN DIRTY APES! I guess the society of men just wasn't meant to survive. It was definitely nuclear weapons, that's what did it. The mass explosions caused the Fail Safes to fail, which released a super bacteria from a secret lab. That caused a huge plague, and as the victims died, they rose from the dead twelve hours later to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh. A handful of gritty survivors are able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay, using only their wits, and an inexplicable comprehension of agricultural science and engineering.... Everything was looking good.... AND THAT"S WHEN THE METEOR HIT.
Furiously rub Twilight's horn while licking her neck.
Hehe, this is so great. Here goes:
"Pick up the page, and slowly yet sensually place it in your mouth and begin to chew, raising and lowering your eyebrows ridiculously as you do so. Add a few assorted moans of delight and slurping noises for good measure. Maybe if you scar her poor little brain badly enough an opportunity to escape will arise."
slap a mustache on twilight and run to get pinkie pie or rainbow dash[she is obviously les]
please keep this teen and PLEASE dont get into detail if something does happen
Use your "Other Fist", which, much like Chuck Norris', hides under your totally awesome, and multi-purpose beard.
Take your iPhone which has been fitted with a Multiverse simcard which the Doctor gave you.
Call God, he owes you a favour anyway, for reasons unknown.
Have God bring Edward Khil back from the dead..
Watch with glee as Trololo guy torments Twilight.
Run you little idiot! RUN! You have incurred the wrath of a GOD!
show her the page and say "i want to do this one" in your most sultry voice
First pray to god, second cry like a little girl, then hope for the best.
You're already in deep shit after pissing off Twilight, SUMMON CTHULHU TO DISTRACT HER! While she is distracted, RUN!
tell her Celestia's behind her, get up, and run away
Out of nowhere 2 ponies tackle the lavender unicorn,(applejack and pinkie pie) you turn to see 3 more ponies walking towards you ( Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy) , you not caring if they have the same intentions as the one named "Twilght Sparkle". Your just about to speak to them when I also turn to see the 2 ponies get off the unicorn with now the same seductive look, you turn to the rainbow pegisi, "Um... HELP!!
PLAN B:
Step 1: Explain to Twilight that book ripping is the natural form of intercourse among your people.
Step 2: She will completely turned off and leave. You can actually pick yourself up off the god forsaken ground.
Step 3: Revel in victory as your virginity has been saved. Nerd...
Continue to rip out pages no matter what while barking like a dog.