remind yourself how he will save equestria
You consider for a moment why you need to find him, and the events that led up to summoning him. (The human, that is.)
In your moment of panic you consider for a moment why you need this human. Well of course the reason you need him is obvious, you don't know why anypony would ask.
About a week ago you discovered that Nyarlathotep was coming (which was in absolutely no way at all your fault... nope... not at all.... totally not your fault). After extensive research, you discovered one being in Equestria that might be able to stop him. The centaur.
However, centaurs have long been extinct in Equestria. So, you set out find find out how to get one yourself. Unfortunately, the only way to get a centaur was to achieve coitus with a creature called a "human." After some even more extensive research you found that humans exist in an alternate dimension from Equestria, so with more research and your talents as the element of magic, you located this dimension and summoned a human to Equestria so you could mate with him and produce a centaur. And that is where you are now.
Really, you don't understand how this could have gone so incredibly wrong. Your plan was foolproof.
Step 1.) Summon human to Equestria
Step 2.) Have sex with human to produce a centaur
Step 3.) ???
Step 4.) Profit
THE PLAN WAS FOOLPROOF WHY DID IT NOW WORK!!!!
Are you sure Nyarlathotep is actually a problem? Because, I can think of, like, three different incarnations of him, and only one is evil. (One of them is just kind of a jerk, and the other is an insane teenage girl. Don't ask.)
make sure to make sure you research on Nyarlathotep is correct.
and then devise a plan for the human.
and reset up for the heat spell for when you next see him.
OF COURSE NYARLATHOTEP IS A PROBLEM! HE IS AN OUTER GOD, AND OUTER GODS ARE ALWAYS PROBLEMS!!!! (totally not your fault.... nope....)
AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAKE SURE YOU DID YOUR RESEARCH CORRECTLY!? OF COURSE YOU DID YOUR RESEARCH CORRECTLY!!! YOU ARE TWILIGHT FRIGGIN SPARKLE!!! AND YOU ALWAYS DO YOUR RESEARCH CORRECTLY!!!
Do the goddamn summoning spell!
You could perform a summoning spell, but what pray tell would that accomplish? That's how you got into this mess in the first place, and you don't want another human here in Equestria. That would cause even more problems.
Tell Princess Celestia that he is a threat to Equestria, she sends the royal guard after him, and when he is subdued, have your way with him.
NO!!!!!!!! you scream to yourself as that thought enters your brain.
Princess Celestia MUST NOT KNOW what you are doing. You know what she'll say if she finds out, and you..... you...... you just don't think you can deal with it. So under no circumstances whatsoever are you to contact Princess Celestia. You must find this human yourself.
Do what you do best: Use Logic (like Miles Edgeworth in Investigations). Where did the CMC say that the human went?
The CMCs said that the human ran back into town, and that's why you are here. You ran back into town to find him, but first you stopped back at your library to get a few things when you suddenly passed out from lack of sleep upon going through the door. How could you have been so stupid? There is no time for sleep. The time for that will be when there is a human next to you...
You immediately cast a spell meant to alert you to how many of a particular species there are nearby and the general area they're in. You tune it so it specifically targets humans. The spells reading gives you... 2.5?!? All of them are in the everfree forest, but 1.5 are up quite a ways in the air above said forest!! You didn't think humans could even walk on clouds, hell you didn't even think the was more than one here (nor did you think there could be half a human, but you attribute that to either a spell error or a being who only had one human parent). You run out towards the everfree to investigate.
Why not use a tracking spell for a change?
Maybe even get Rarity to help you with it to track the guy down!
Then Grab a rope and be on your way!
use detect spell to fine your target!
Track him with a spell then perhaps teleport him to you. Why go to the human when you can make the human come to you?
Read a book about tracking.
You consider using a tracking to locate him. Under normal circumstances that would be a good idea. However, you never actually cast the tracking spell on him, so you can't find him that way. You were so sure of your plan to mate with this human that you never actually thought to cast the tracking spell on him in the event that he did decide to run away. It was simply unthinkable. Your plan was perfect, you still don't understand how it could have all gone so wrong.
And read a book about tracking.... READ A BOOK ABOUT TRACKING!!!! YOU LIVE IN A LIBRARY!!!! YOU'VE READ ALL THE BOOKS YOU HAVE ABOUT TRACKING!!!! YOU'VE READ EVERY BOOK ABOUT TRACKING!!! TWICE!!!!!!!
Use a spell to identify alien tissue samples, and follow the alien skin flakes to the human.
OOO..... that is a good idea. You suppose you could cast the tracking spell on those and it would lead you right to the human. However, for that to work you would actually need some alien tissue samples, which you don't have. Good idea while it lasted.
Channel your inner Sherlock Hooves and deduce the current situation.
Go to Lyra and BonBon's place and look for clues, of course.
Channel your inner Adrian Monk as you do it.
Alright, since Twilight has obviously gone a bit over the edge here, I believe it's time for her to channel her inner Gollum again, and have a quick argument with herself about whether she should stop trying to rape the Human, and maybe explain to him the situation and recruit him. Of course, crazy Twilight wins, and instead casts aside her Katana for the Sword of Omens (or a reasonable copy), and channeling her inner Liono gains sight beyond sight, locating the human.
Discovering that he's in a room with 4 mares where the only exit is blocked by a immovable boulder, use your scrying site to recast the Heat spell on the human at double..nay, TRIPLE the intensity. Now that his closest allies have turned on him (or are distracted as they turn on each other in another lesbian foursome), teleport in, and do whatever it is crazy mares do.
Unfortunately, you yourself are a fictional character and therefore cannot channel the powers of other fictional characters. Unless you want to channel your inner "Twilight Sparkle," cause you can certainly do that.
Why you felt the need to explain this you have no idea, but it just seemed like you had to.
Also why would you ever check Lyra and Bon Bon's place for clues? Clearly they don't have the human. You saw him run out of their house, you know he's not there.
Masturbate. Fiercely. Like a super intelligent boss.
Give it up, my friend.
You cannot win.
(Pfft, yeah right. Like she'd actually listen to what I had to say.)
Ask Ghost Sombra what to do.
Get help from good ol' Mr. Sombra
Realize his power level is over 9000 and stop chasing him
"You know his power level is over 9000, so you should really just stop chasing him and masturbate fiercely like a super intelligent boss."
"SHUT UP GHOST OF SOMBRA!!!!!" you yell at the ethereal annoyance that's been following you for the past few hours.
"Hey, you don't have to-"
"YOU KNOW THESE SUGGESTIONS YOU'VE BEEN GIVING ME HAVE BEEN NO HELP AT ALL!!!! I CAN'T USE A TRACKING SPELL ON HIM AND I CERTAINLY CAN'T CONTACT PRINCESS CELESTIA SO WHY DON'T..."
T1:Okay Twilight, first calm down.
T2:But i'm calm. aren't i?
T1:No no no. you have to calm down and think.
T2:I'm thinking.
T1:Not hard enough. Use that magic you're so proud of.
T2:But what spell?
T1: Use that h...
Applejack: Twilight who are you talking to?
Twilight: No one. (T1:She must not know)
"Okay, Twilight, first calm down," says another you that appeared out of nowhere.
"BUT I AM CALM AREN'T I?" you reply to it.
"No, no, no," the other Twilight replies. "You have to calm down and think."
"I'M THINKING!!!!!"
"Not hard enough. Use that magic you're so proud of."
"BUT WHAT SPELL?"
"Well its obvious isn't it? Use that h...."
"Twilight, who are you talking to?" Spike suddenly asks you from atop the stairs.
"NO ONE!!!" You reply to him. He doesn't suspect a thing.
"He must not know," the ghost of Sombra says to you.
"Okay....." Spike says to you again. Clearly he does not suspect a thing. "You know Twilight... you really should..." he begins to say before you interrupt him.
"Yes Spike," you say to him before you teleport up to the top of the stairs right in front of him and put on your sweetest smile. "What would you like to talk about?"
For whatever reason, he backs away a bit and falls on his rump. The way he looks up at you is one that you can't quite place. You still keep on your sweetest smile for him though, so you can't possibly fathom what's wrong.
Still, he's staring at you in an odd manner.
What do you do?
Twilight: Let's bang Spike! Dragons are descended from humans, aren't they?? *evil cackle*
Spike: ...I think Twilight's starting to get rage delusional...
That, or just really bloody hungry. She hasn't eaten since the human has been here after all... *slaps Twilight*
Let's go grab lunch and cool off for a bit.
Have sex with Spike to relief yourself a bit of sexual tension, I heard that helps caliming down a notch and should improve your performance.
Also, you should really really be aware of the pink menace, as she was THIS close to him. And don't run into Fluttershy, you mind won't survive that encounter.
Do the simple thing: Ask in the sweetest and calmest voice "why are you looking at me like that, Spike?"
Stop the world. I want to get off.
STOP YELLING AT YOURSELF INSIDE YOUR BRAIN, IT WILL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE!!!
Grow wings.
Use wings to pimp slap whoever crosses your path.
In addition to the strange look Spike is giving, he also appears to be shaking slightly. He must be cold! You decide to wrap him in a hug.
Your warm, soft, fuzzy fur apparently does a good job heating him up, because he started sweating and blushing. It's not surprising, you have the warmest, softest, fuzziest fur of all the mares in Ponyville. It's a shame that you don't get to hug ponies very often. Really anypony should be thrilled to feel your soft, velvety coat against theirs. Embracing, nuzzling... kissing...
WHY WON'T THE STALLIONS EVER LOOK AT YOU?! You're smart, dedicated, funny, pretty... Yes. Yes, you are pretty. You're a very pretty mare and any colt that doesn't see that is blind. Seriously, feel how warm and soft and fuzzy you are!
"Spike, you think I'm pretty, don't you?"
As you were thinking, you had unknowingly been nuzzing the top of Spike's head, stroking the spines along his back, and sniffling a little bit. Your recent mental health and the overly affectionate hug made Spike scared, but when you asked him if he thought you were pretty, he shat himself in fear.
He literally shat right there at the top of the stairs in the public library. It was horrible.
Tell spike that you are trying to find human that tried to rape Rarity.
(Dragons have good sense of smell. right?)
Spike can probably smell him and find him.
2275233 that is an awesome idea do that
Send the ghost of Sombra to the human world to locate a human who is attracted to ponies (seriously, those OP's from /mlp/ have to be good for something, right?) and summon them to have sex with you. Once coitus is complete, use that human's species code to banish all humans from equestria to their world of origin, making sure to exclude yourself from the spell's radius so that the centaur baby is unaffected.
Alternatively, send the Ghost of Sombra to locate the human, then go to his location. Rather than trying to force yourself on him, ask him why he doesn't want to have sex with you. (After all, you are incredibly sexy and desirable and him not wanting to rut you crazy - especially under the influence of magic - is unimaginable.) When he gives you his reason, attempt to fix the problem utilizing magic.
Hello, this is your conscience speaking......you know, that little voice in your head that tries to tell you something when you need to hear it, but you block me out and you mess up.....like NOW?!.............anyways
Did you, at ANY time, even THOUGHT to think of explaining it to the human what disaster is coming? You figure that if you explained to him WHAT you needed him for (and not in the sense of "hi, I summoned you, letz mak babyz" but "hello, I am twilight sparkle and *insert something hour long speech here*) instead of going to rape him, he'd be willing then? Obviously if anypony else was in the human's point of view, they'd get scared and run away too. you got to remember to not force yourself on others, lest it come back to bite you in the butt........but unless you're seriously considering this, you're probably too far gone, so if you will listen to something, listen to this:
What do you think is going to happen when he finds somepony who CAN help him, when he explains what you tried to do, but then you come in just has he's finished explaining and then no one believes you because they believe the human more?
Think: I'm a human where would I run to for help/hide
Take a shower because you smell terrible. Have a cup of coffee. Find something to eat and regain your strength. Have another cup of coffee. Start searching for the human in town. In the coffee house. Might as well have another cup of coffee while you're there too. Jittering? What jittering?
Suddenly you remember from your studies on humans that humans have an uncontrollable hunger for something called a cheese burger- your plan includes learning about the cheese burger- step 2 make a cheese burger on the outskirts of town so the human won't be suspicious while spreading the smell every with a wind spell- step 3 wait for human to come and eat burger step 4cast sleep spell on human. (At this same moment in time as the smell of cheese burgers travels through the forest the human has been getting high in the cave only to be attracted by the smell of cheese burgers can he withstand the munchies!
You check yourself in a mirror to see whats wrong. Nope, nothing wrong at all. You then ask Spike "Whats wrong huh?" For some reason this further disturbs him. He backs off against a wall. Approach him calmly and ask him again.
Transform into a genie!
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/073/0/9/shantae_twilight_by_navitaserussirus-d5y1okk.png
If he's not going to talk then just ignore him, instead start a wildfire in the everfree, the fire will either kill him or flush him out. Either way its a win win, cause if the fire kills him then you can summon another human and if it flushes him out then that works too.
F.Y.I. This is genius
Rape solid snake while in your snake costume to make the ultimate centaur baby. Solid Centaur
Lock him in the closet to prevent any further interruptions.
as sombre:
*poke*
*poke*
*poke*
i got a secret:
im twilightlicious
also isn't that lyra obsessed with humans? why not go to her house and find a way to track her, she must run into him again
What if your heat spell wares off before you find the human?
Find Pinkie Pie.
You can't risk Spike getting worried about you and sending a letter to Princess Celestia. Remember what happened when you enchanted Smarty Pants? It was Spike that ratted you out to that gigantic white rump. Neutralize the threat of Spike's magical postal service.
Lick his face. Then cancel your inner Twilight, and channel your inner Princess Molestia.
Twilight: "Say Spike, how would you like to make a few gems today?"
Spike: (Apprehensively) "Ummmm... OK."
Twilight: "Great! All I need you to do is tell my friends I went to Canterlot if the come looking for me, especially if it's Applejack and Rainbow Dash, Got It?
Spike: ummmm....Ya, OK... You sure you're alright Twilight?
Twilight: Of course, I'm going to save Equestria from an evil Elder God, so you know I'm in tip top shape both physically and (Spaced out Look).....
Spike: Twilight?
Twilight: MENTALLY!!!! (Smiles at Spike)
Spike: (Slowly walks backwards then bolts upstairs and slams the door)
Twilight: Huh, wonder what's gotten into him?
sing ghost nappa
and while hes weirded out
kick him out of the room
You realize that the human has been throwing rape accusations left and right, and that his word will likely ruin your reputation. It'll eventually makes its way to the Princess, and she'll hear how you've been trying to rut this lanky, bald monkey-thing. She'll be so disappointed that you won't be allowed to be her personal student anymore!
There's only one thing to do! You're gonna have to shut that human up.
Try to figure out a more passive approach toward the human. It's probably impossible to gain his trust yourself by now, so you'll have to get somepony else to talk to him to try to explain the situation calmly.
The local mailmare allegedly has a coltfriend already (So she won't be affected by the heat spell), so why not ask her?
suddenly you have an idea. that whooves fellow had said somthing about humans hadnt he? you go teleport to his house "i need to find human!!" you yell into his face. you had teleported into o hooves family meal with your back hoof in little dinky's salad. "w-what?!?!?" a very confused doctor says. (huuuman) you cackle "find me human!!" "umm okay" says the doctor and leads you out to the tardis. "hmm.....human....there.....switch...i hate pears......this....aha!!" he pulls some levers then the tardis starts to hum. he opens the door and you are in a cave with the human and rape it to the discust of the doctor, who then teleports back to his family.
f*buy some apples*k the human untill preggers. have centaur. profit also it doesnt have to be you. you can give somepony a love potion then have him run to her for protection and boom! centaur!
(wait so now we have to help twi? SHIT!) Kill yourself.
Acquire a chainsaw named Mystletainn
Good stuff. Controlling Twilight is fun. I like her internal monologues.
I FEEL AS THOUGH A LARGE PART OF THE PLOT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN REVEALED.
2275976 I laughed too hard at this.
fuck him on the spot.