Grovel Before the Fashionista
NOW BACK TO OUR SHOW
Explain the situation calmly and reasonably for once and then kindly ask her help.
Quickly explain your situation at a speed that even Pinkie Pie (not that you know who that is) would be impressed with.
Grovel like a true bad ass and then beg for mercy in the most manly way possible ....
Explain the situation a calmly as you can. (which is not at all)
Grovel for a place to hide as manly as possible, its the only way.
Tell her about the crazy purple pony whos trying to do crazy unspeakable acts on your person. Be sure to stress to her that you are not high and her manikins 'manequins?' are definitly not talkin to you. They are definitly not demanding you to "give them the mechanical man".
Explain to her to situation, hope to god (since jesus is clearly out ot get you.) she does.
1 explain how purple and orange ponies are trying to rape and murder you
2 beg for her to hide you
3 hope she dosent rat you out
In all seriousness though, explain to her how twilight is apparently hell-bent on raping you, and applejack seems to have joined her. Hopefully after you explain the situation to her, she'll help you in any way she can, and WON'T join the raep train (destination: you), because lets face it, you want to survive with your virginity intact, don't you?
"2 words! CRAZY! PURPLE! UNICORN! owait that's 3"
Well, you don't see any other way out of this now. Its time to come clean. You relax, take in a deep breath, and calmly begin to explain the situation to her. Or, at least, you would if not for the combination of the drugs still in your system, as well as the insane amount of terror you are feeling right now.
"I'M BEING CHASED BY A CRAZY PURPLE UNICORN WHOSE TRYING TO RAPE ME!!!" You practically scream at her while trying not at all to sound like you are obviously high as you grovel at her feet.... hooves.
"WHAT!" The alabaster french unicorn responds with a look of shock.
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS TRYING TO RAPE ME!" You say to her again. "LYRA AND BON BON TRIED TO HELP ME BUT-!!!" You try to explain but she cuts you off.
"Wait. Twilight!?" She replies, now seeming even more confused.
"YES!" You reply. "SHE AND APPLEJACK HAVE..." again she cuts you off.
"Why!?" She asks with a mixture of shock and curiosity on her face as well as the obvious confusion.
"I DON'T KNOW!" You explain. "I JUST WOKE UP HERE AND... AND.... LOOK I DON'T KNOW WHY, SHE JUST IS!!!" You scream at her. "SHE'S ALREADY HURT LYRA AND BON BON AND NOW SHE'S... SHE'S" The look of shock and confusion is still stuck on her face, and it doesn't look like its gonna be leaving anytime soon.
In panic you look around the room and notice all the clothes lying about on the walls, shelves as well as several mannequins that look like horses. Given all this you come to the conclusion that this is some kind of clothing store, which is strange to you cause other than that strange jumpsuit you saw Twilight wearing earlier and Applejack's hat, you don't think you've seen any pony wear clothes while you were here. Hell, the alabaster unicorn in front of you isn't wearing any clothes.
Still, seeing all these cloths gives you an idea.
I am from another universe help me hide from the purple unicorn trying to rape me and I'll teach u about may universes fashion
Tell her if she hides you from the purple rapist, you will tell her everything you know about human clothing and fashion, if you know nothing, make up shit that sounds reasonable.
You look through the door and see enough to conclude she is a dress maker. Then say this.
" I see you are a dress maker. I'm from a far away land. I will share my knowledge of my cultures fashion if you hide me from the insane purple one."
"Look, I see that you're a dress maker." You say to her more calmly than you were previously. "I'm from a far away land," Okay that's exaggerating a bit, "and I will share my knowledge of my culture's clothing and fashion if you hide me from her."
Okay you are clearly grasping at straws here. You obviously know nothing about human fashion and you've never taken the time to learn about it, but still you're pretty sure that she wouldn't know any better so whatever bullshit you can make up she'll believe you.
Now she looks even more confused than before. Seeing this, you decide to use one of the ancient, time tested methods of old.
Tell her the truth... And by that I mean, grab her by the shoulders, shake back and forth, and say in scared tone, "Twilight is trying to rape me!"
"PLEASE HELP ME!!!" You scream at again as you grab her shoulders and begin to shake her kind of violently, messing up her mane a little in the process. "TWILIGHT IS TRYING TO RAPE ME PLEASE LET ME HIDE HERE!!!" You say in a way that doesn't make you sound obviously high.
"RARITY!!!!!!" You suddenly hear a familiar voice call from outside. Terrified, you stop shaking her and look around. You notice a clothing rack with many large clothing pieces on it that reach the floor.
Acting on instinct, you quickly dash over to the rack of clothes and hide behind them.
"HEY WHAT ARE YOU!" The unicorn yells at you as you push the clothes aside and then push them back.
"RARITY!!!!!!" You hear again followed by a frantic knocking on the door. Thank god that you know that door is reinforced.
You mouth the word "Please" to her one last time before you duck your head behind the clothes and pray for the best. You hear the alabaster unicorn mumble something under her breath as she fixes her mane and trots back over to the door. You're too afraid to poke your head back out so you can't see, but you can at least hear what is going on.
"Ah good afternoon Twilight darling," You hear the alabaster unicorn say to the clearly insane purple unicorn at the door. "What brings you here tod-"
"You haven't seen a human running around here have you!?" Twilight asks her rather frantically.
"A human?"
"Yes," Twilight says. "Six foot tall bipedal apes without any hair on their bodies. Have you seen one!" She clearly sounds like she's desperate given the way she is talking.
"Hmm...." You hear the alabaster unicorn, which you now know to be named Rarity, say to herself as you can only assume to puts a hoof to her chin in thought. This is it... the moment of truth... will she hide you.... Will she...
Let me consult Mokuba real quick. What should he do?
"Hit her in the nads!"
She doesn't have those things!
"In that case, I'm all out of options."
Thanks, Mokuba. As always you've been a big help.
"No problem, bro."
Explain the situation to her as calmly as you can- you know what fuck it if she doesn't believe you after you tell her your situation then just threaten to ruin all of her dresses by squirting ketchup onto all of them. THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST LOGICAL REASONING YOU CAN DEDUCE!
You begin to form a series of plans in your head for what to do in case she rats you out. Unfortunately you don't have any ketchup with you. You do however, still have the bag of pistachios that you nicked from Lyra's house before Twilight and Applejack barged in. Lets see... maybe you can...
"No," you suddenly hear Rarity say, bringing all of your thoughts to a screeching halt. "I don't believe I have." Inwardly you sigh.
"Are you sure!?" Twilight frantically asks her.
"Darling," Rarity says to her in that sweet, yet fake, french accent of hers. "if I did see a giant hairless ape running around, you are the first pony I would tell about it." She calmly explains to her. "Besides its not like something like that would be easy to miss."
"So you didn't see anything!?"
"No darling, no giant hairless monkeys came by here."
"ARE YOU SURE!!!!!"
"Yes, I am definitely sure darling," You're quite sure from behind the clothing you can hear Rarity smiling. There is silence between them for a few moments, but then suddenly you hear Twilight sigh loudly.
"All right," she says as you hear her turn around to leave. "If you do see anything let me know." You hear her says as she walks out the door.
"Darling, you'll be the first pony I'll tell if I see any hairless apes running about," you hear Rarity says to her as she follows out the door. A second later, you hear the door shut. Twilight is gone, and you let out the breath you didn't even realize you had been holding since you hid in here.
"You can come out now," You hear Rarity call to you. Needing no further encouragement, you stand back up to see her looking right at you with a pleasant smile on her face. "Now, lets..."
Hugs, tons of hugs
You don't even give her a chance to finish that sentence before you jump out from behind the clothing rack and hug her furiously.
"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!" You repeatedly say to her over and over again. You really are genuinely happy she helped you. Seriously you had serious doubts on this one.
"Oh its quite all right," she says to you as she gently pushes you away with a hoof. "Now, lets not waste any time and get you upstairs."
"Upstairs?" You respond, suddenly nervous. All those doubts you had about her are coming back.
"Of course," she replies as genuinely as ever. "If she comes back she's going to find you if you're still down here."
"Oh..." you say in realization. Of course that's what she meant. "Yeah... Yeah lets go upstairs." You say to her as she walks right past you and heads up a flight of stairs at the back of her shop. You follow close behind her.
-One flight of stairs later-
"Would you care for some tea?" She politely asks you as the two of you enter her workshop upstairs. You see a lot of fabrics and unfinished projects lying about.
"No thank you," you reply as gentlemanly as you can. "But thank you for the offer Ms..." You're pretty sure you already know your name, but you wanna her her say it just to make sure.
"Oh by Celestia where are my manners," she says as she does a little curtsey to you, or at least the pony equivalent of a curtsey. "I am Rarity. Fashion designer and owner of the lovely carousel boutique." You're guessing that's the name of her shop.
You politely introduce yourself afterwards. You can obviously tell that this pony is of a higher class than most, so you try to be as gentlemanly as possible. After all, she did take you in and hide you from Twilight. You DO NOT want to fuck this up.
"Look um..." you being to say to her "About the secrets of fashion thing,"
"Oh its quite all right," Rarity says to you as she walks around the room picking up different fabrics as well as some measuring tape. "I can tell you're not one for fashion. Its written all over you." You're somewhat relieved that she didn't expect you to follow up on that. You're not sure what you would have done. "Especially with those pants!" She says as she points a hoof at them, an almost worried look on her face.
"These?" You look down at them. "They're Lyra's." Rarity's eyes went as wide as dinner plates as those words hit her ears. "Yeah I didn't have any pants when I came here, so she lent me her's." You explain to her as calmly and as innocently as you can, which isn't very good.
"Oh," she says, her eyes returning to normal size. She eyes you up and down for a moment, a look of obvious intrigue on her face. "Hmm..." she says again. Then suddenly, her face lights up like a supernova. "IDEA!!!!" She practically sings. Inspiration must have struck. "I'll make you a new pair of pants. One more suited to your size and stature." She says as she suddenly levitates a bunch more fabrics over towards her.
"Nah, nah you don't have to do that," You say to her.
"NONSENSE!" She says as she levitates the measuring tape over towards you and wraps it around your waist. "Those pants as much to small for you. You need something more... how should I say..." she says as she walks closer and begins to ponder as she walks around you to get a better feel of your exact stature. "Stallionly... Maybe a nice jet black or burgundy... or maybe..." Suddenly her face lights up again as inspiration has obviously struck a second time. "IDEA AGAIN!!!" She sings. "Why just make the pants when I can make you a whole suit to go with them. I swear by Celestia you'll look so fabulous!!!"
"No, you don't have to do that for me..." you try to say to her as she takes another lap around you.
"Hold your forehooves out," she says, obviously ignoring you. You're confused at first by what she meant, but then you obviously get that she means your arms so you do. She holds up the measuring tape against your chest and measures your arm span. Next to her you can see a notepad and quill floating by as she jots down your arm span measurement.
Since you're obviously not going to talk her out of it, you just remain silent and let her work as she takes seemingly a dozen measurements at once and writes them all down. You think you notice that she seems to look longer than she should, but you brush it off as nothing. She hasn't done anything to you yet. Suddenly, realization struck you.
"Wait," you ask her.
"Yes," she practically sings again as she looks up at you.
"Do you know Twilight by any chance?" The way she was talking to her at the door kind of tipped you off to that. This may be a shot in the dark but...
"Why of course," Rarity happily replies. "She's one of my best friends." As she says that she jots down one last measurement and then heads over to her drawing table to make a few quick sketches.
You relax for a moment. This is perfect, a unicorn who is not only willing to help you and make you a new set of clothes as well as pants, but she knows the insane purple unicorn chasing you. There is so much you can learn here.
What do you ask her?
What do you do?
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WHAT THE FUCK IS IN PONY SUTRA AND WHY DID TWILIGHT TRY TO RAPE ME AND LEEEERRROOOYYYY JEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNKINS!
Ask her what the purple unicorn has been doing lately to get her to summon a badass like you for?
You realize that you're still hungry, so you ask Rarity if she has any steak you can eat. Some nice, juicy, bloody steak. Preferably still relatively fresh. She seems high class so she must have some high class food around, right?
Mentally remember that you have to be able to run at any moment and be prepared to do so. Do whatever you need for the cloths though if you have to get naked make sure your old ones are within reach so you can bolt with them.
Ask her about the world and what she knows of humans.
Forget your modesty temporarily and follow her instructions.( for the cloths, no sex)
Ask about twilight.
After you get the cloths consider a fallback point ( the forest?)
Attempt to do some chores to pay for cloths.
After all of the above ask Rarity to check on bon bon and lyra.
that is all.
You ask, "So, does Twilight often kidnap beings from different dimension so she can have her way with them?"
Has Twilight been acting weird before today? As in "can't find a boyfriend worth jack crack" kind of a way?
¿Do you know why does Twillight have a strange fetish with humans?
¡¿AND WHAT IN THE FUCKING WORLD DOES PONY SUTRA MEANS?!
Beat Rarity to death with a soggy loaf.
Ask her, whats wrong with all the apperent problem with Twilight?
I am from another universe help me hide from the purple unicorn trying to rape me and I'll teach u about may universes fashion
Roll with it! Be her bestest best human friend EVAR! Scratch her behind her ears!
Play nice with the helpful one?
You try to ask polity as possible if rarity has the SLIGHTEST clue of why twilight it trying to kill you.
"So, um... If twilight is friends with you, and she wants to Rap-erm... find me. WHY ARE YOU HELPING ME? AND WHY IS SHE TRYING TO RAP-erm... FIND ME?!"
Hold back the tears of confusion, you continue to let rarity fit you for some new clothes.
Also, DONT FUCK UP.
Pry to god him self your safe.....but you relize your just lying to your self...
You than ask her why the purple unicorn wont calm down and how to get rid of her.
Does Twilight normally try to violate any new species she sees?
Since rarity is apparently the only pony that has some sense in her, calmly explain how you got here, and the events that transpired in a calm and orderly fashion, from start to finish. There has to be some morals and laws, inter-species laws too, against somepony raping somepony (or in your case, someone), and also ask her why twilight is hell-bent on raping you. ....OH, also ask her if her race (ponies in general) have a "that-timeof-the-day" or some kind of cycle that they go through (wink-wink
) ; while she may not look book-smart, she must have enough knowledge to know this type of situation and by proxy, its solutions, at the very least
You ask her if there is anyway to get back to your world, also does said unicorn have a fetish for humans...
"Is everyone in this universe insane, or is it just me?"
Hang on... wait, you know what, that actually works.
Now as gentlemanly as possible you ask her if she knows If it is a regular occurrence for random unicorns to summon beings from a different dimension and try to molest in a violent and crazy homicidal fashion?
Start scratching her behind her ears and ask in the most seductive voice possible: "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie-roll center of a tootsie pop?"
attempt to appease your alabaster savior by asking "would you like some pistachios?"
"Could you, perhaps, make me a disguise? I would like to be something frightening, yet oozing manliness, like a Gorillanocerous."
"Have you noticed Twilight has been acting strange lately?"
"What is love?" Hell yeah getting philosophical on your ass
Cookies! Do you have them? Oh and possibly a Hind helicopter?
Spontaneously develop antennae in defiance of numerous natural laws.
Oh wait, I'm baked and hungry as &$*@. Pistachios, &$*@ yeah.
EDIT: It's a Tidewater accent, darling.
Ask "Is there a logical reason the purple unicorn wants to rape me? Oh and by the way... I don't have any money... I left all of it in another pair of pants... In another universe..."
Get as much information about Twilight as possible and hope Solid Snake, Jesus, and Discord don't tell her where you are.
Ask Rarity if Twilight is always this... 'Rapey'.
Also while you are at it plan multiple escape routes if the shit hits the industrialized sized fan in the not so distant future cause with your track record so far you can deduce that you won't be staying here for too long to begin with.
Also ask Rarity this as well "When does the narwal bacon?"
the nearby wall explodes, revealing Jesus in a hind helicopter. He tosses you a pair of pants, then repairs the wall with his holiness. You watch the window as the heli flys by chased by Snake riding Discord. (Snake flips you off). There. Now we can freely talk with Rarity with her having to take forever to make you pants.
Ask her what authority you could appeal to in order to have twilight arrested for harassment, assault, and attempted rape.
Would you have any Idea Twilight wanted to have sexual intercourse with me? And how she even got me here in the first place?
"Is she always crazy?"
"Hypothetically, is there any reason why Twilight would be trying to inflict harm upon others all for the sole purpose of placing me in a position of forced intercourse?"
Might as well be professional with your question, right?
"How was Twilight acting before I suddenly popped up here?" (To help figure out the motive behind all the chasing)
Have you ever got laid?
do ponies go in heat? because that would explain why ponies are trying to rape you. why lyra and bonbon wanted a threesome, (Soo close, too bad there ponies) and why shes so adament in makin you clothes and her gaze seems to linger alot. Why are you too bloody hot for your own good.
Also, you remember that you havent eaten all day, havent had a shower, need to use the toilet and need to let one off...... yeah.....
Ask her, in the most gentlemanly and dapper way possible, why is Twilight trying to molest you? Was she always like this? Is she in heat?
"This normal behaviour for Twilight, right?"
"First human to meet an actual unicorn and the first thing it does is try to rape me."
how do I protect myself from that insane unicorn?
Ask Rarity if there is any way to defend yourself from the Purple molester, in case she finds you again.
"Uh... Rarity? Who is this 'Celestia' person everybody- I mean, pony, talks about?"
*throws chainsaw at "you"*
Uh, well... *sigh* I've got nothing. Wait- I got something... How about the shock from the episode downstairs de-highed him? I'm getting really tired of people saying that he's high, so he can do anything.
Damn, damn, damn...
2195111 Amazing.
ask rarity if she knows of anypony that could send him home after all if she says yes and it happens all youll need to do would be spend weeks in therpy trying to forget it all! If its a no your not only screwed mentally but physically if twilight catches you, from going thorogh what happened today you know that if she catches you she will rap you in a sack take you home with her throw you in her room lock the door and rape you until your eyeballs burst X_X
ask hey this. "WHY THE FUCK DOES TWILIGHT WANT TO FUCK MY BODY?! ONLY THE BEST OF WOMEN CAN HAVE MAH SEXY BODY, AND SHE IS SCARY AS BALLS!!!!!!!!!!"