Art Inspired
Joined 7th Jul, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Art Inspired · 19k words · 39 11 · 1.4k views
- Art Inspired · 14k words · 339 25 · 3.6k views
- Art Inspired · 7.5k words · 25 5 · 808 views
- CookiesOnFridays · 22k words · 30 4 · 1.5k views
- gryphon88 · 19k words · 40 1 · 814 views
- Canvas_Shade · 46k words · 61 2 · 2.4k views
- Art Inspired · 4.5k words · 93 11 · 1.7k views
- ShimmeringStallion · 114k words · 36 5 · 1.4k views
Featured In15
- All-OC Stories2,910 stories ·2,264 members
The Writers' Group56,612 stories ·9,308 members
Rainbow Dash7,272 stories ·4,149 members
Gilda711 stories ·954 members
- griffon173 stories ·279 members
- Author Support4,376 stories ·2,070 members
- author help (a group made to help new and old authors with fic's)1,793 stories ·681 members
The OC Fanfiction Library1,810 stories ·1,405 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.287 seconds
Total duration
1,077 users online
300,934 hits today, 2,818,023 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Because you asked for it, Arty.
There seems to be a problem with the character throughout his first-person narration of his entire life... the thing is, he lacks character. Basically, if he is speaking, he shouldn’t tell it as writing more to it as we speak. For example, in the where he remembered crashing and burning, you can add characterization like, if he was risky for example, he can be like “Oh, man, I remember burning through the skies! The adrenaline pumping through my veins! It. Was. Awesome.” Or, he can be little bit traumatized... not that he is, seeing as he continues to fly... but you get the idea. All I am trying to say is, he needs to speak as if he is speaking... with character.
It’s more informative, not narrative as it should be for reasons stated above.
Good job on details, descriptions and the feel of the situations... some words could’ve been replaced with others, I admit... you use prepositions and additional clauses a bit too much to stress on the topic itself which kinda takes away the quality. They are better off by themselves at sometimes, not to be used as emphasis as is the exact reason of emphasis, not to lose its meaning.
Sometimes, those little extra pieces you add onto your sentences? Yeah, those clauses like “--or so I thought.” , “It interested me” or whatever they maybe, sometimes drops the quality. I know you very well to try anything to hit that 4k, but quality always over quantity, and you’d find your way, Art. You may think it added to the character, but it’s just a general statement of opinion ‘like’ rather than ‘how I felt about it.’ The character is within that, and most importantly his speech... which is basically the first half of this fic.
There is always a way for quantity with quality.
Your transitions need help, you go for one place to another just in a snap of the fingers and the flashback does seem a bit out of it... moving from this set of writing to another style... basically from informative-->descriptive--> first person telling the story. It was hard to grasp the actual setting. Even though I continued to read on, I lost interest through the constant changes.
The writing style is not constant... it’s like too many authors working on it to get a general sense or feel of the writer(which it actually was) something that is so desperately needed to be felt when reading.
You are improving, but next time, I strongly suggest that you convert the writing into your own way rather than just let it stay so, OR gather a much smaller amount of authors and give credit.
Still overall, a good story. Good job on everyone who contributed!
hmm... read latter
Good Good
Fake and gay.
It's weird that I get notifications each time you post a story, even though I'm not following you. Not that I mind terribly much, it's just a bit odd.
Anywho, this looks interesting enough. I'll let it sit on my To Read list for a bit though, so it can mature properly before I crack it open.
Rated Mature for future griffin sex scenes.
Oh my.
2217364
I WAS GONNA POST THAT
um okaaaaaaay. wasn't following you dood
WHAT SORT OF BLACK MAGIC IS THIS?! I'M NOT EVEN FOLLOWING YOU
Oh I'm going to read this as soon as I get home... the sad thing? I had a similar idea for a gryphon character.
2217096 MORE LIEK GAY AND FAKE!
What is up with all the thumbs downs on the comments
2217096
I LE LOVE THIS GUY!
Holy downboat seige batman!
Eh, tracked. Seems legit.
Thumb later maybe.
For you fuckers with the trigger-happy downvote mouse. I will stand by this glorious bastard no matter what, and by hell if I find out who you are, I will make you internet existence hell.
Leave Arti alone, motherfuckers, and come at me with everything you got.
Bring it and I'll pound you into the ground.
2217729 ... Necromancy?
2217932
You cannot stop us.
2217932
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/137/d/c/watch_out__we_got_a_badass_over_here_by_deadwoodpete83-d504d72.jpg
2218010 shhhhhh. It's a baiting technique.
I don't understand all the downvotes. I thought it was good.
2218185 A troll was being a dick with the comments. That's all. I believe the mods took care of it, though. If you meant the story votes, it happens. My stuff usually gets that, no matter how good I try and make it. Oh well, haters gonna hate.
Very nice start and will be watching this. Just to ask a question, how exactly does he control the mechanical wing? Considering how it needs to move a regular prosthetic like a human would use wouldn't be enough. You need an advanced one with an interface that connects directly to the nerves an can be consciencely controlled.
2218711 This will be explained in future chapters. If you have any other helpful and descriptive ways of explaining how it's done, I'd appreciate it if you sent them my way in a P.M.
Otherwise, his back actually has a steel hole in it where his wing should be. The nerve connectors tie with his own using highly advances, electrical wirings to enable complete control over it while it's attached. Does that make sense?
2218711 They have in fact made mechanical hands that works that way. They aren't available yet, but they are testing them.
Science really is helpfull.
When that happens i'm going to chop off my left arm, get one of those and change name to Anakin Skywalker
2218868 Yeah that does make sense. There are prosthetics like that nowadays that are connected directly to the nerves in the missing limb. I wonder if something like is really possible cause of the way our brains are wired when we're born. A person who becomes deaf can use a hearing-aid to help hear. A person born deaf will never be able to hear cause they were born without that wiring in their brain to interpret sound. A person that goes blind can use certain machine to atleast gain limited sight. Again a person blind will never cause they were born without that wiring to llow you to see. Not dissing your story at all. Just kinda reminds me of a show I saw on the Science channel a while back about the stuff i mentioned.
2219001 I know. I have a sub to a science an technowledgy magazine that's covered this kind of stuff for years. Theres a prosthetic leg that as of now most accurately mimics how the human foot works for a more natural gait when walking. I have seen articles about prosthetic hands and arms that are connected to the severed nerve endings and can be completely controled. Imagine years from now when a person who's paralyzed from the waist down could actually walk again. What about a person who's paralyzed from the neck down but because of the neural interface with machines could control a wheelchair that goes where he wants and is equipped with 1 or 2 robotic arms that would allow you to more take care of yourself?
2219063 Nice explanation, but of course, for this story to work, Blackbird was born with his nerve endings, just not the wing. I don't know if that's possible, but for the story to work, it'll have to be.
2219063 I might be looking a LONG time into the future now but...
It should also be possible to create "buypasses" to re-connect the rest of the nervous system if the spine was severed. It's complicated, but it could work. Just imagine the posibilities. 100% paralyzed people being able to function just as normal people.
You could even take it even further, and have exosceletons, walkers, cars etc connect directly to the nervous system and thus be controlled directly by your brain.
It's cool, but freakyon the same time
2219100 Atleast some of that stuff seems to be possible at the present but I'm guessing it would horrendously expensive and computers for certain things are still a bit too bulky. Anything that has to do with the spine is still highly risky an prone to causing further damage instead of helping. But I saw on a show about this man that was in some accident, but with the help of a walker, a laptop sized PC and leg braces the man actually walked again after being wheelchair bound for like 13 years. But look how fast science is progressing. Within the near future we may be able to clone our own organs. No more being on a waiting list an possibly dying. And because it was all cloned from your own body theres zero chance of rejection an no need for the immuno suppressing drugs.
2219093 I know that. It may be entirely possible for that to actually happen. For all our science we humans will never fully understand how our brain works. Thats why our brains will still be better then the most powerful supercomputer that will ever be built. Seen many shows where people call the human brain the most complex machine ever.
2219140
The problem with the exosceleton part is in fact that exosceletons are still way to bulky
I know. it's pretty insane how much they can do with just a few stem cells
That reminds me of a show on diecovery where one of those mythbusters guys presented the technology of the future. They estimated that within 50 years humans would be able to recreate any organ excluding the brain, and also fix nerve damage in any part of the body excluding the brain.
Within 100 years cloning would be perfected, and the "copy-pasting" of your brain were possible.
You know, that would mean that i would be able to live forever
Science is awesome, and kinda freaky
2218711
Controlled by THE WILLING SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF!
2219180 Its very nice to meet someone else who is knowledgeable in these kinds of things
2219204 likewise
But i think it's time to leave the discussion dead. Don't want to clutter the comments section with an of topic discussion
2219413 But it helps me get more feature time, I think. I wouldn't mind if you continued this conversation either. It could even end up helping me with future chapters!
2219462 Have you ever read about something you can't comprehend at ALL? Something so complex and difficult that there's no way for it to make sanes? That's how it would be if we were to discuss the basic science behind how it works with someone who doesn't know anything
It's like making a monkey sing Rammstein! it just won't work.
If you wants me to explain the most fundamental systems and science of it, just ask. Although i'll have to send it in a PM.
most everything you make sir, is my cup of tea. insta-faved.
Man, I really want to write a story about a griffin...
But I have to finish the story I'm working on now! No jumping around!
I'm faving the shit outta this!!
MORE
I hope he gets horribly betrayed. Those final lines are just asking for it.
I miss Church :(
Part of me would think the griffons would have their own deities they'd invoke. I guess they've got native.
2220551 Hadn't thought of that, but I'm not dealing with making one up either.
Well this looks fun, i'll be watching it from here on out
I do enjoy this story for its concept, but you REALLY need to pick a tense and stay with it. You constantly switch between past and present tense.
Other than that, though, I look forward to what you'll put out in the future.
It was great fun collaborating with you, Art Inspired.
I especially enjoyed the sexual favors!
The tenses jump around a bit and your comma usage is strange at times. Any other gripe was covered by others.
It's a good premise, but the writing itself feels a bit lacking.
Also I couldn't help but notice this:
One or the other, can't have both. More light, or lighter.
They'll have a really interesting relationship. Competitors, she healing him and all of this family disagreements... yeah, I'm gonna enjoy that.
By the way, welcome back Art! It was a pleasant surprise seeing you active today. Maybe my Sunday won't be that boring.
Nice work, one thing caught my eye though. In the last sentence it says "less than I week", is that a one or is the font weird?