Flying While Pegasus
Rainbow Dash sat at the table in the airport's Security office, listening to the clock on the wall, which ticked out seconds loudly and stolidly, like it was slicing cheese:
CHAK. CHAK. CHAK.
"Boring," the cyan pegasus announced, hoping one of the tall pink creatures outside could hear her, and maybe remember she was sitting in here waiting, when she could be out flying. "Lame," she added for good measure. "Dull. Dullsville. Monotonous. Anemic. Insipid. Quotidian. Uh, jejoonie..."
Rainbow thought that was how the last one was pronounced. She grinned to herself. "Huh! I guess ol' Twilight was right. That thesaurus thingy can be useful. Sometimes," she added aloofly. After all, Rainbow used it sparingly, looking up a few specific words now and again. She didn't read the darned thing for fun, like Twilight did.
Next, Rainbow tried drumming her hoof on the table impatiently, like she'd sometimes seen the security officers do with their fingers, while talking with her. Clipclipclop. Clipclipclop.
She quickly gave it up. It sounded too much like a galloping pony sound-effect. Then she tried counting the tiles on the ceiling. And got distracted before she got past a dozen or so.
Finally, finally, the doorknob rattled and the door swung open. Through it stepped a uniformed patrolwoman. She was dark-skinned and wearing cool dark shades. Indoors.
Rainbow sniggered to herself. Cool was cool, but there was a point where it got ridiculous, huh?
The officer sat down, set the folder she was carrying on the table. It was a large one, already creased and battered, with Rainbow's name on the tab. She stared across the table, looking just as bored as Rainbow. Her badge said she was Officer Kanuni.
"Again, Miss Dash?"
Rainbow shrugged. "What can I say? I'm still getting used to the crazy rules this side of that portal that Twilight came up with."
"Really. What is it this time?" Kanuni consulted the topmost report in the folder. She looked up at Rainbow.
"Failure to yield right-of-way to aircraft on final approach?"
"Is that what this is about? Are you kidding me?" Rainbow fired back. "How much right-of-way do those flying spam-cans need anyways? I was way out over the parking lot, waving goodbye to a friend!"
"In a landing glide-path."
"Grrrr!" Rainbow bounced up from her seat, into the air, hovering with her forehooves crossed. "Just because these so-called air-planes of yours can't VTOL and stop on a dime, what's that to me? I can get out of the way, easy!"
"Please have a seat, Miss Dash."
Disgruntled, Rainbow flopped down in the chair again.
"Also says here you were seen flying too close to other aircraft."
"Uh, yeah, parked on the ground. I was checking 'em out!"
"So you weren't flying near active planes?"
"Puh-lease. The backwash on those monsters makes stability a joke. And those jet intakes, they'd suck me right in, chew me up, and spit me out."
Kanuni consulted the folder. "Also says you were found to be flying without a pilot's license."
"Uh, yeah." Rainbow scuffed her mane with a hoof, embarrassed. "There ya got me. I'm still workin' my way through the bureaucracy. But I do have my Wonderbolts ID!" She proudly flashed her official gold medallion.
"Afraid that's not valid, here in people-stan," Kanuni said dryly.
Rainbow scowled, and buffed the medallion gently, like she thought it had been offended.
Kanuni flipped the folder closed. "Look, we're not trying to be difficult, Miss Dash."
"Hey, call me Rainbow!"
Kanuni eyed her sourly. "We're not trying to be difficult, Miss Dash. But at least meet us halfway? I know we're obliged to show deference, and bend the rules a bit on behalf of our... guests from your world. But we're still trying to come up with reasonable policy variances regarding what are, for us, basically flying horses --"
"Ponies!" Rainbow snapped hotly. She didn't like the way some of these hyoo-mins kept using the H-word, around her and her friends.
"Ponies, right," Kanuni corrected herself. Then she pinched the bridge of her nose tiredly, pushing her sunglasses slightly askew. "Look, just do me a solid? Try and stay out of trouble for a little while at least? Just until the policy details get worked out."
"Sure, no problem!" Rainbow agreed readily. "I promise you won't see me again, anytime soon..."
------------------------------
Rainbow was back the next day, sitting in the security office, facing Kanuni again.
"Flying without a transponder?" Kanuni read.
"Yeah, I only just scored one today." Rainbow held up the small plastic gadget, clipped to her foreleg. "Works okay except in wet weather. And I keep punching in the squawk wrong. Kinda hard to hit these tiny buttons with my hoof."
"And flying at night," Kanuni read, "without proper aviation lighting."
"What am I? A freakin' Hearth's Warming tree?" Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure. I'm lookin' into some custom lighting gear. But it has to look cool. And if the company I contacted comes through, it's gonna look real sweet. Like a secret agent, or a commando, or..."
"Just so long as you're visible at night."
"Trust me, ma'am -- they'll know it's Rainbow Dash comin' from miles away!"
------------------------------
And the next day...
"We've been getting reports you've been flashing pilots with..." Kanuni paused, not sure she was reading it correctly. "... rainbow lasers?"
"The lights I got are kinda bright," Rainbow admitted. "I thought they were just really strong LEDs or something. I'm gonna have them replaced, don't worry. They'll still be totally awesome."
Kanuni sighed, in a put-upon way. "And now we have a citation," she went on, "for operating an unmanned aircraft in a restricted area."
"Uhhh... hello? Pegasus?" Rainbow pointed to herself, flapping her wings.
"I know. But for the time being, you're classified as unmanned craft, so you need to follow certain rules relating to --"
"Drones? These quad-copter things?" Rainbow held one up. "Yeah, as soon as I heard about them I went out and got one. They're pretty sweet. And totally awesome if I'm feelin' lazy and wanna get in a little flying action without getting up from my cloud."
Kanuni ignored this.
"Including," she went on, "having a clearly visible registration number."
"Huh?" Rainbow looked astonished. "You're telling me this hunk of metal and plastic with a number on it is more air-legal than a live pegasus?"
"Just to comply with the regs."
"So, what? I'm supposed to get a tattoo or something?"
"You have that tattoo on your rump."
"It's a cutie mark!" Rainbow snapped. "Totally different thing! It's part of me, says who I am: Rainbow Professionalism Dash!"
"Right. Look, just until they get the Remote ID thing worked out, okay?"
"Fine, yeah. I'll see about getting a henna tattoo or something," Rainbow grumbled. Then she eyed Kanuni darkly. "Just checking. Henna's not... some kind of illegal substance, is it?"
"No, but I don't think henna's going to work on the fur and feathers."
"Huh. Hadn't thought about that. Okay, maybe I'll wear a custom-print jersey, then. But just so we're clear, I'm only doin' it to comply with the regs, right? I'm not getting a permanent brand here." She stood up, rammed her forehooves down on the table. "Because I'm not a number! I'm a pony!"
Kanuni shook her head. "I'm not getting paid enough for this."
------------------------------
And the next day...
"I don't get it!" Rainbow demanded testily. "They told me I was operating without communications gear. So I went out and got one." She held up the large walkie-talkie shaped device. It had more buttons than most calculator factories. "Pretty cool, huh? I think I can get Cincinatti on this thing."
"We've had reports you've been interfering with active flight communications."
"Well, how can that be?" Rainbow said. "I only hit this button to turn it on. And then this one, to scan for a channel where nobody's talkin' at the moment. How can I be interfering with anything?"
"Delta 404, say again. Is that pegasus on this channel again?"
Kanuni raised an eyebrow. Rainbow hurriedly shut the thing off.
"Heh, heh," she said, blushing. "Maybe I need somebody to show me how to use this thing right..."
------------------------------
"Flying below minimum safe altitude. And reckless flying."
"Hey! I was practicing loop-the-loops in the parking lot. But I thought by staying below the tops of the lamp-posts I wouldn't be in the way this time. And yeah, I might have smacked into a van that came outta nowhere. But he was totally at fault. He didn't signal for a turn or nothing!"
"He reported you crash-landed on his roof. And then yelled at him through the windshield."
"Well, I was a little ticked. I was goin' for a record, and he threw off my count."
"Miss Dash..."
"Ughhhh! Fine, whatever!"
------------------------------
"Okay, now what?" Rainbow snarled, hooves crossed.
"Operating with... poorly maintained equipment?" Kanuni looked puzzled herself. She turned the report over, but there was no further explanation on the back. Then she saw who'd filed it.
"Ah. Apparently you flunked the aircraft inspection."
"Aircraft inspection! What're they thinking? I'm a pegasus, for crying out loud!"
"Yeah, apparently we're still working out the inspection standards." Kanuni nodded. "But they say you're still not up to snuff."
"Huh? You see these babies?" She flourished her wings. "I preen every day. Gotta be in peak flight condition!"
"That's not the issue. Says here you haven't filed a doctor's certificate. When was your last medical checkup?"
Rainbow suddenly looked leery, like any good flyer would be when doctors were mentioned.
"My last physical? Uh... can I get back to you on that?"
------------------------------
"Want a doughnut?"
"Gee, thanks. What's the occasion?"
"This is becoming a habit, you know," Kanuni muttered. "Figured I might as well combine it with my morning break. But you bring doughnuts next time."
"Fair enough. So what's the rap today?"
Kanuni looked pained, but opened the folder. "Flying in a fire-control zone," she read, then eyed Rainbow. "Tell me you weren't trying to be some kind of hero?"
"Nah. I just noticed that brush fire, up the canyon. And I flew up there to see if I could lend a hoof."
"Hmm. The fire department does note you flew small tools around for them."
"Just doin' my part, ma'am!"
"And that you kept flying over the fire-suppression line. The aircraft bringing in suppressant had to circle around until they were certain you were clear. You're just lucky they took note of your willingness to help and didn't decide to press charges."
"Well heck, isn't there a Good American rule or something that applies in cases like this?"
"Good Samaritan. And that only applies when directly helping someone trapped or in need of medical assistance."
"Oh. Oops. Heh heh! My bad."
------------------------------
"Failing to file a flight plan."
"This is getting ridiculous." Rainbow flung up her hooves. "How the hay am I supposed to know what maneuvers I'm gonna pull, any given day? I live in the moment, go with the flow!"
"I don't know. Just put the same airport as source and destination. And the approximate flight time. It's just for the records, anyways."
"Is this like that cargo declaration thing?" Rainbow looked embarrassed. "I hate having to jump on the scale every morning. I normally don't worry about my weight. It's making me self-conscious." Then she grinned. "Hey, but apparently, there's some kind of dangerous cargo declaration form. I might wanna check that out. After all," she said, puffing out her chest, "I'm as dangerous as they come!"
"Miss Dash," Kanuni said. "Take my advice. Don't."
"Don't?" Rainbow looked crushed.
"Just don't. Bad idea."
"Aw, man..."
------------------------------
Rainbow was sitting with her hooves crossed tightly, scowling from under her rainbow-colored bangs.
"Okay, explain this one to me, ma'am," she growled. "I'm walking along -- walking, right? Not flying! I was heading to the airport food court to get a sandwich. And some security guard stops me and starts asking a whole bunch of annoying questions. I mean, I wasn't doing anything, and they just stop me, for no reason!"
"Miss Dash, you have acquired a reputation around here, you know. As a trouble-maker."
"So? Does that mean they can just start needling me with questions? Treating me like some kind of criminal? Just for being there?"
Kanuni shut her eyes, shook her head. "You have no idea."
"Well, I'm not putting up with it!" Rainbow pounded the table. "I'm starting to feel persecuted here! And I'm... I'm..." She shook her forehooves in frustration. "I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. But I won't be pushed around like this. I'm a pegasus, for crying out loud! I'm gonna find some way to fly around here that doesn't run afoul of all these crazy rules you people have!"
------------------------------
"I'm telling you, Twilight, it's like they're out to get me, now."
Princess Twilight Sparkle, standing next to Rainbow in the airport security check line, rolled her eyes. The lavender alicorn was perfectly capable of flying herself, but she nevertheless preferred using commercial flight, this side of the portal. And by now she was quite experienced. She'd already put her small carry-on with her crown in it on the x-ray conveyor belt. And she had her ticket and photo id ready-to-hoof, as she and Rainbow approached the metal detector.
"Aren't you over-reacting, Rainbow?"
"No, I'm not! They've got so many rules this side of the portal. It's like they're determined not to let me fly at all!"
"Just because they're a little heavy on the rules doesn't mean they're out to get you specifically, Rainbow."
"I mean it, Twilight! I think it's personal now. They're going after me just to set me off. I think they like messing up my day now!"
"Well, if you keep obliging them by flying off the handle..."
"But this time, I got them outfoxed!" Rainbow crossed her hooves smugly. "I've bought a ticket on one of their flying spam-cans. I've done all the pre-boarding security check-in stuff. And thanks for helpin' me with all the paperwork, by the way."
"Not a problem." Twilight rolled her eyes, wishing Rainbow's penponyship could be improved somehow.
"Plus, they can't even ask me to take my shoes off!" Rainbow bounded into the air, wings flapping, grinning as she showed all four bare hooves. "'Cause I'm not wearing any!" Then she quickly landed back on the ground, in case there was some crazy rule against flying while actually in an airport.
"Rainbow..."
"I'm telling, ya, Twi. I've got it totally covered this time. I'll let them do all the worrying about flying, and regulations, and identification, and airspace, and whatnot. While I sit back and relax in comfort!"
"Rainbow."
"What?"
"I think the guard is trying to get your attention."
"Excuse me, uh... Miss Dash?"
"What?" Rainbow demanded explosively, whirling on him. "What is it now!"
"Your license." He held it up. "It's not Real-ID compliant. We started requiring that today. Plus you're not wearing a mask. There's been an uptick in cases lately."
"What...?" Rainbow's eyes went wide. She was quivering uncontrollably. "What? What!"
The TSA officer held up the plastic squeeze-bottle with Rainbow's cutie-mark on it.
"Plus you've clearly got more than three ounces of liquid here."
Rainbow blinked, stunned.
And then her yell could be heard up and down the departure wing:
"OH COME ON!"
The End
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, its characters and indicia are the property of Hasbro.
No infringement is intended. This story is a work of fan fiction, written by fans for fans of the series.
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Rule number one of flying:
Prepare to spend nore time PREPARING for the flight than the amount of time actually in the air.
"Now, we would not want . . hmm, a Tornado? A Blizzard? Maybe both? to come this way grounding all of your spamcans and allowing me to have fun in the sky while cleaning up the mess would we?"
10945371
"Rainbow Dash...!"
"Heh-heh. Well, ya know, Twilight -- really freaky weather patterns, this side of the portal and all..."
The flight plan I just filed with the agency lists me, my men, Rainbow Dash here, but only one of you.
"Technically you're classifies as an unmanned aircraft"
Ya well technically your mom.....SHUT UP!
Rainbow's characterization was so good.
nice work
Stories like these make me believe that if ever there is a portal to Equestria, there simply wouldn't be many pagasi, if any, on our side of the portal. There's just too many rules around flying for a species to whom flight is like us using our hands for them to bother to deal with.
Having to deal with the TSA every day I really feel for rainbow in that ending. More of an inconvenience than a security organization, especially with all the security holes and mismanagement.
What? No citation for breaking the sound barrier without authorization over US soil?
10946604
Oh they'll get there. They're still pulling their hairs out over quantifying what the hell a sonic rainboom even is.
10946504
The TSA is a good example of how NOT to do it.
10945335
Huh! So that's why a 4-hour flight across country always takes 10 hours taxying on the airport runway waiting to take off!
This explains SOO-O-O-O-O much!
Well… being able to NATURALLY fly is going to throw a wrench in many laws… Any litigious lawyer would be on the line and argue that if eagles don’t need lights and flight plans neither do pegasi.
Fun Fact: The US reserves the right to control the weather in times of war or emergency.
Not making it up.
Imagine that red tape if RD had dragged over a couple of rain-clouds for that bush fire!
10947191
Hmm, skimming the article she seems to be safe on that one. The resolution prohibits the use of environmental modification for warfare and other hostile actions, putting out fires would not fall under that.
10947195
Eh, fair enough.
Just not one of those bits of trivia that I get to drop very often, you know?
10947202
It's one of those moments where you go "really? How the hell did that come up?" and then you read the history and go "oh, okay, that's fair."
10947125
Or a pilot's license, or a registration number, or most of that other stuff. Though having her take steps to ensure that planes can see her at night would likely be justified.
And I'm pretty sure you aren't required to file a flight plan if you aren't going into controlled airspace or VFR conditions (though it's still considered a good idea so search-and-rescue people know where to look if the unthinkable happens). I'm also pretty sure the "cargo declaration" thing generally doesn't apply to private pilots.
I feel you, Rainbow…TSA can be a bit of a grind. But they have a job to do, just go with it^^
10947125
Yeah but I would not be one bit surprised if some of the jerkass TSA CEOs and corporate lawyers tried to screw with RD and Eagles just to pull in a profit.
So. Many. Rules.
Oh poor Rainbow. The freaking part where she's considered an unmanned craft was hilarious.
10948028
Yes… but then they would have to contend with pissed off being that CAN manipulate the weather… Not really sure they want that ^^;;;
10948265
While not ALL CEOs or lawyers are jerks, the ones I'm referring to are the ones who don't plan for anything except making a profit. They'd try and sue the Sun for being too hot, what makes you think that they would consider that RD is fully capable of defending herself? As far as they're concerned she's nothing more than a oddly colored h-word.
I swear you could do so much with each of the girls and human regulations.
10948352
Well that is the basis of another story and dash-buttons.
Hilarious and interesting all at the same times with this fic! Each and every moment of trouble that occurs in the aftermath, my goodness it's a blast to read! Hope ya didn't mind, but I couldn't resist making a reading of this blissful fic of yours!
Audio Linky!: https://youtu.be/VGxSHCKXetc
(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)
10948634
Wow -- thanks much! And thanks for doing the reading -- I'll be sure to check it out!
Edit: Just gave it a listen -- very professionally done, and a great interpretative reading. Thanks again!
Always down for a good Pony-on-Earth story, and this did not disappoint. :D
10948688
Thanks much, J.D.! We aim to please!
Wonderful, but to be honest, pegasi will probably be classified as powered parachutes which require no license for solo and a sport pilot license for a two-seat trainer. That eliminates an *enormous* amount of red tape including registration numbers and lighting, plus the gargantuan time and money sink of a private pilots license. There's a pretty good book called Lifter by Crawford Kilian that just barely pokes into the troubles a human would get into if they could fly.
10949737
Ah, you're assuming both a rational bureaucracy AND a unified, coherent response to an event outside of human experience.
Out of Cheese Error... Redo from Start...
10946604
10946631
Yeah, they may have just ignored the parts of the report that were clearly embellished on account of being impossible.
Half way through this I wanted to give Dash a baseball bat and let her beat the crap out of one FAA bureaucrat for every section of the story. Sad part is I can see people being anal about this if we encountered a race with natural flight abilities.
10947688
Pretty sure that they were just messing with her about the "cargo declaration". She is also legally an ultralight aircraft (while in the air), which does not need a transponder.
But most of the strict rules in aviation are written in blood, so we have a very good reason to have them.
She seems to have some kind of diplomatic immunity, but when such person causes too much trouble, it is good practice to talk with their superior (technically Twilight) instead (or public shaming, but that can be politically bad).
They apparently did not talk with Twilight, about the problems, so the human higher-ups probably think her misdemeanors are not even worth mentioning.
Oof!..
Would you consider the other side of the coin? Maybe invite a human TSA personnel over to equestrian and see what laws they accidentally break?
Rainbow...
Three words...
"Sport Pilot License"...
They'll still be anal, but stay away from the airport and don't fly at night, and you'll be fine...
And have Starlight Glimmer drag them into court to demand that the FAA has no jusisdiction over biologics with innate flying abilities...
They don't certify birds, for crying out loud!!
It didn't hit me until way later, but there is an existing category for pegasi - ultralights (or their own sub-category) ...
10979018
Its like those motodeltaplanes?
11016355
Ultralights are hang gliders with motors ... bigger than a pegasus but with minimal equipment ...
10949737
I admire your faith that real, living, sapient and sentient flying ponies really will come to our reality.
Aggravated Dash is best Dash.
Honestly, I say let Dash keep it up. The more absurdities she finds in the bureaucracy, the harder it will be for the FAA to claim any authority over living aircraft.
Lovely bit of madness. I’m sorry it took me so long to get to it.
Wow, this all seems like a MAJOR oversight on earth-side when one-third of the pony population flies.