• Published 21st Mar 2020
  • 4,421 Views, 111 Comments

Ponies Being Slowly Eviscerated to Death in a Big Rusty Meat Grinder - shortskirtsandexplosions



Rainbow Dash writes her first novella. It's a very serious book about serious topics. She asks her friends to proofread. This should go well.

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CRKKKKKKT???

"Okay, Rainbow Dash!"

Lavender hooves scuffled across the dirt streets of Ponyville.

"I came well-prepared!"

Alicorn wings nimbly opened up two separate saddlebag pockets before pulling out multiple rectangular sheets of cardboard paper which were promptly shuffled in a magical field.

"I've got two hundred notecards with color-coded suggestions for each character, plus a projected outline tree for a second draft with at least four dozen branches, and finally no less than a dozen reference materials with full citations for how to incorporate streams of consciousness narrative along with modernist Equestrian magical realism!"

With a toss of her purple mane, Twilight Sparkle looked straight in front of her with a perky smile.

"Sorry I took so long, I just wanted to make sure I didn't skip any..."

The Princess of Friendship stopped dead in her tracks.

"...beats?"

She was staring at her reflection in the glass window to Sugarcube Corner. Behind the sheet, a big "CLOSED" sign hung off a suction cup mount.

"Uhhhh... Rainbow...?"

Twilight blinked, suddenly aware of the sound of crickets all around. She looked up at the night sky, then at the distant cottages all with their lights off. Golden-thatched roofs slept soundly under the moonlight.

"... ... ...oh well, I'll meet her in the morning."

The mare hummed to herself, turning around and trotting off...

...until she noticed something off to the side of the street. The mare fluttered over on royal wings, inspecting a garbage can. There was a sliver of a manuscript sticking out slightly from under the lid.

With a tug of telekinesis, Twilight pulled the draft out. She looked it up and down, squinting as she flipped through several pages. Then, with a steely groan, she frowned up into the starry night sky.

"What the heck, Rainbow?!? I thought you gave this a 'Complete' tag!"

Comments ( 57 )

I feel like everyone on this site needs to read this at least once. Actually, everyone on every fan fiction site.

10140097 Every new writer needs to read this, and some more 'experienced' ones as well.

"I wanna be defined by the things that I love
Not the things I hate
Not the things I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of
The things that haunt me in the middle of the night, I
I just think that you are what you love" -Taylor Swift

So go on Dash, draw Flash Sentry in the frilliest dress you can imagine. It's not my thing, but I guess not everyone appreciates Big Rusty Meat Grinders

10140068
No it's ghentee-oy, not Shmentai. :rainbowwild: ALL HAIL LORD NUXANOR! :rainbowlaugh:

Me thinks Rainbow Dash should start drawing cute princesses in pink dresses and flouncy gowns. That would do the trick. Mhmm. I’m running out of material here.

This is so true it made me laugh. Can't even count the times stuff like that happened to me, though I didn't have a friend like Rarity trying to encourage me to continue. Still, damn awesome. :rainbowlaugh::heart:

Well it's a far sight better than 'Ponies being slowly being drowned in a horrible magical escapist act'.

It still won't ever beat 'Ponies slowly asphyxiating in space while trying to duel with banjos'.

10140005
To be fair, such a premise has way more traction in Equestria due to the existence of cutie marks.

This made me giggle

Are you making fun of Background Pony?

Well. That was something. Moral of the story kids: even when your first draft is an absolute train wreck and your friends can't read it, there'll always be a book horse to help you out.

This tale should be added as a footnote to FiMFiction's Writing Guide.

Edit: Approved for Twilight's Library

Comment posted by Super Trampoline deleted Mar 21st, 2020

I'm tempted to write (a much shorter than novella) actual version of this.

10140027
more like "thousands of tiny shredded ribbons of life", amirite?

10140475
"The countless squishy ribbons of flesh that are the physical manifestation of the results of Merry Soup's entire life covered in the glinting deep scarlet of freshly squeezed blood and interspersed with tiny fragments of bones such as the scapula and humerus and femur and tibia and [list remaining 201 bones] with their sharp and broken edges ready to pierce anypony who would touch the mutilated and rended remains that were the material proof of her existence and gruesome end if any such pony brave enough did exist and it would be sad if nopony knew of Merry's grim death as her parents searched and searched and held out hope that their precious filly might come back someday while the torn remains of her corpse rotted in a dark alley never to be seen again and so would her story would never be known though it is hard to imagine what one could learn from examining the results of her slowly being put through a big rusty meat grinder" right?

Sorry. It hurt to write this.

Come back, commas, I love you! You too, periods!

10140567
On one hand the bondage in that story is kind of hot. On the other hand the story is not particularly well written and vaguely racist. So I'm conflicted. It did give me an idea for a RariTwi story though. So, uh, meh? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Her pupils shrank as she slumped back in a moment of epitome.

epiphany?

uhhhhhhhhhhhh

okay

10140599
No, no, I'm pretty sure Skirts knew what he was writing at that moment. Just let it sink in...

Brutally honest, yes?

10140576
I gave myself hypoxia reading this comment.

10140472
Can't be worse than the other fics that contain similar stuff.

This seems like Rainbow Dash wrote a bad version of rainbow factory.

Skrtskrt, with all due respect, I fucking cannot. How. How the fuck do you do this. I honestly cry at night, knowing that I'll never reach the pure level of Nirvana you've achieved, and not some bullshit like being omnipotent or whatever, but nirvanic enough to where you can write genuine published novels that law schools have on their recommended reading lists and then you can fucking write this. What the bloody sam hell. I need to fucking sleep.

10141439
r/whoosh.

I'm fairly certain the whole story is a commentary on why Rainbow Factory is already bad.

10141483
I hovered over what the among other things was and it was a story seires.

10140689
That 20% bit sounds like it came from Stephen King's "On Writing". Not advice I follow, but then, I'm a person who isn't wordy, tends more toward tell than show, so my second drafts need to be longer as I work to address that. Definitely shouldn't be considered universal advice.

Though still better advice than the "don't plan stuff" that explains so much about why King novels often have lackluster endings, and would be horrible advice for certain genres (mysteries, for example). Though even that has merit... you'll definitely want to be able to adapt as characters take on a life of their own and want to push your story in their own direction. And, well, he's sold a few books, so it obviously works for him ;)

Why isn't this tagged Comedy? It's only tagged Slice of L...

:trollestia: :facehoof:

...so... I... read it.
...
...
...not much else to say.

There are no throbbing pens. I am disappoint.

10141732
That's why I love the CMC. Some of the most relatable child characters. Even in a world where destiny is most certainly a thing, they still can't figure out what they are supposed to do. And they aren't super stereotypical, either, which is always nice from a meta perspective.

This seems like a very Chuckward kind of shitpost

Ya know, the more I read this fic, the more I realized that it just gets funnier and funnier! I love that about this whole thing! Such a great read and it's pretty relatable for some people who've been in such a situation before! Hope ya didn't mind, but I had to make a reading for this!

Audio Linky Part 1: https://youtu.be/dZqOklnHHCU
Audio Linko Part 2 (I forgot there was a second small part!): https://youtu.be/q6eGjH7i8_0

(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment!)

:rainbowhuh: I'm calling it,,, BULL SHIT!
:duck: It's not my fault - It's your issue
:trollestia: If you weren't so short sighted you too would be rolling in the bits
:fluttershysad: can I have another bar please?
:rainbowdetermined2: It was mine
:twilightsmile: Not when you tossed it into the garbage can
:moustache: Rarity, I got some extra bits want to go out sometime?:duck: I'd be delighted.
:rainbowlaugh: Yea , where'd you get the bits?
:twilightsmile: He did all the art work :ajsmug: and the cover too
:pinkiegasp: Dashie? Dashie?
:derpytongue2: I don't know what went wrong...

I like this a lot. Was this deliberately intended as a critique of the amount of grimdark, ultraviolent fics that have cropped up on this site since the beginning? I know your blog says it was a bit of a joke to see how an edgy title would get you featured, but almost everything the characters mention in response to Rainbow Dash is valid for approaching the sheer amount of Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory clones some people have offered up.

This thing reads like a riff on all the "Cupcakes" style gore-fests and their imitators. Thing is, "Cupcakes" was written nine years ago.

I REALLY want to read Dashs Novella!

"What the heck, Rainbow?!? I thought you gave this a 'Complete' tag!"

I can't even :rainbowlaugh:

10140464
three of those four are just alts of Shortskirtsandexplosions.

10144812
yes but George R R Martin is all of that and still considered a fantastically successful writer. Being successful at writing is as much down to luck as it is down to skill. there's plenty of great writers who never get the fame they ought to have like say... RA Salvatore who's absolutely prolific but totally unknown to the Game of Thrones crowd who would love his work (and his back catalogue)

10145709
To add to that, JK Rowling is the same. Constantly adding new information to her world outside of the book she because every time someone points out a plot hole she has to explain why it isn’t a plot hole. To also give an example of a writer that her fans would absolutely love, Derek Landy and the Skulduggery Pleasant series are excellent modern fantasy novels.

10146190
I've been falling in love with Tom Holt lately, his writing style is similar to a lot of nonsense fics on this site (this story included)

10144468 That makes more sense that it has any right to. She needs to spend some time watching Atop The Fourth Wall. If only to see some really terrible writting being torn to shreds, and watch Terrible Writting Advise.

I am Applejack in this whole scenario. XD

10140069
Just saw this, and I am obliged to say: How could you?! 'Tis treachery most heinous! A veritable act of heresy!

I charge you with a count each for heresy, high treason, lèse-majesté, and causing indignity. Your punishment is to write a fic about Twilight in a good manner, to be carried out when I find some way to transport you to my imaginary realm.


… guys, did it work? Is it happening?

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