Don’t You Know Who I Am?
I felt acid in the pit of my stomach. Why did I say that? Everything had been going so well and now I just had to ruin it.
“Yer not a girl?” Applejack repeated.
“I know I’m a girl right now,” I said, “But I wasn’t before I came here. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want ponies to treat me differently.”
With my eyes closed I’d almost forgotten that Mirror Image was still in the room with us.
“And how would you like to be treated?” He asked.
“I don’t know!”
“Sweetpea it don’t matter none,” Applejack said, “Yer a filly now ‘an we have ta take things as they are.”
I sighed.
“Back on Earth I had a friend who was... born the wrong gender,” I explained, “And it caused a lot of problems for them.”
“Is that how you feel right now,” asked Mirror, “That you’re the ‘wrong’ gender?”
“I’m not sure.” I said, “It’s not all the time, it’s just sometimes, I get these moments of dysphoria.”
“Hmm,” said Mirror Image, “Can you describe to me what that’s like?”
“Well, sometimes when ponies refer to me as a girl, or when I see myself in a mirror I’m just overcome with this sense of wrongness, it’s like... not disgust, there’s nothing wrong with being a girl I just - feel like I’m not supposed to be.”
Mirror Image nodded understandingly. "That's a pretty common description for gender dysphoria. It's a disconnect between the gender you feel internally and the gender you were assigned at birth, or in this case, when you came here."
"I don't get it," Applejack confessed, "Is this like, a magic thing?"
"No, Applejack," Mirror responded, "This is something that happens in many species, even in ponies. It’s not about magic, it’s about identity. When your physical appearance doesn’t match your internal sense of your gender, it can cause a lot of distress. How would you like us to refer to you, Green?"
"I don't get it!" I said, "Why do I feel like this? I became a whole different species, why does it feel like gender is more serious than all of that?"
Mirror looked thoughtful for a moment before replying, "I think it's because species often isn't a part of our core identity the way that gender is. We don't think of ourselves as a pony in the same way that we think of ourselves as male or female. Species is a biological fact, but gender is deeply tied to our sense of self. The change from one species to another can be seen as something external, something that happened to you, but gender is something that comes from within. It's part of your internal landscape, not the external one."
"I guess that makes sense."
"Still though, how would you like me to refer to you? I don't want to make you uncomfortable." Said Mirror.
The answer should have been obvious, and yet...
"I don't know."
"Well, you've said that female pronouns make you uncomfortable, would you like me to refer to you as he/him?"
"Maybe?" I replied, my voice small. It felt awkward and strange. "I mean, I was he/him before I came here, but... I don't know if that's right either. I guess you can try it. But it's going to be weird."
Mirror nodded, understanding the uncertainty in my voice. "Alright, Green, how does this feel? He is sitting across from me, trying to find his identity."
Hearing Mirror use male pronouns to refer to me was like a jarring note in a song, something out of place and I instinctively recoiled.
"No." I said quickly, shaking my head. "No, that doesn't feel right either. What's wrong with me? I used to be male!"
"It's okay, Green," Mirror Image said gently, "We'll figure it out. I'm sorry if that felt wrong."
"No, it's not you," I said, "It's not even that I don't like it, it's just... I don't know. I've never had to consider this before. I'm not used to it. It's weird."
"How about they/them?” Mirror Asked.
“We can try it.”
"Of course," Mirror Image responded, warmly. "They're sitting across from me, trying to understand their identity."
It didn't feel as jarring. It wasn't perfect, but it felt less wrong than the other options. I wasn't sure if that was a sign of something, or if I was just too tired and overwhelmed to really feel anything at the moment.
"That's... better," I said after a moment, my voice still uncertain. "But if I have to ask everypony I meet to use different pronouns for me it just feels... awkward. It feels like a lot of effort. If it's not important enough to me to make that effort... what if that means I'm not really trans and I'm just forcing myself to feel the way I think I should?"
"I don’t think you are transgender," Said Mirror, "At least not in the traditional sense."
I tilted my head.
Mirror Image continued, "It's clear that you're experiencing some form of gender dysphoria, but your situation is unique in that your physical transition happened quite literally overnight, and without your direct intent or control. Most ponies who experience gender dysphoria have struggled with it for years before deciding to take action to transition, and it’s a slow process. You've spent so long being one thing, and suddenly you're being asked to accept yourself as something completely different. Though there are similarities, it's fundamentally a different experience."
"That makes sense," I said, "But it doesn't explain why I'm having trouble accepting myself as male."
"There's a difference between 'accepting' and 'identifying,' Green." Mirror explained, "You can accept that you were male in your previous life, but that doesn't mean you ‘should’ feel comfortable identifying as male now. ‘Should’ implies there’s a right or wrong way to feel about this, and there’s not.”
The distinction between acceptance and identification was something I hadn’t considered. It made sense though.
“Don’t feel that you have to snap to one or the other," Mirror Image cautioned, "This is a journey. It's okay to take your time to figure out what feels right for you. It’s completely valid to feel uncomfortable with both he and she pronouns, and to prefer they/them instead. You’re certainly not the first pony to feel that way.”
“I’ll have to think about it.”
Mirror Image nodded, seeming to understand the weight of the conversation. He took a moment to compose his thoughts before speaking, his voice calm and reassuring, "Green, I'd like to ask you about something more specific. You mentioned feeling a sense of 'wrongness' when you see yourself. Are there any particular parts of your body that you feel dysphoric about?"
I swallowed hard, my heart pounding in my chest. I hesitated, unsure if I wanted to voice these thoughts out loud. It felt incredibly personal and embarrassing to talk about, but at the same time, I knew that if I didn't say it now, I would just keep pushing it aside, keep pretending it wasn't there until it was too late to ignore.
"Umm..." I began. "I guess... I guess it's mostly my, you know, my-"
You’re a nurse damnit, use the proper terms.
“My vagina,” I tried not to wince, “And just, reproductive organs in general.”
Mirror gave me a supportive nod, "I can see how that would be difficult."
"It's not just that," I said, "I've been doing some reading about what's supposed to happen when a pony gets older. When a filly reaches... puberty and I just... I don't think I want that to happen to me. I don't want to... I don't want to change like that."
"It's completely understandable that you're feeling apprehensive about those changes," Mirror said, "Especially given the suddenness of your transformation and your current struggle with your gender identity. This is all a lot to take in and it's okay to be unsure or scared. Do you think you would feel more comfortable if those changes didn't occur?"
I considered his question, chewing my lip nervously. The idea of those changes happening to my body filled me with a sense of dread, but at the same time, I couldn’t just stay like this indefinitely. "I don't know," I admitted, "I don't want to stay a child forever, but I also don't want to... you know..."
"Go through female puberty," Mirror finished for me.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Estrus.” I said. “What can you tell me about it? My species didn't have that.”
Applejack had her hoof on my back and I could feel her tense in surprise.
“Estrus is the time of year mares can choose to conceive foals.” Dr Image explained.
“It’s a choice then.” I released a breath.
“Of course. The idea that estrus would force a mare to be promiscuous is a hurtful stereotype.” Said Dr Image, “Though it’s not something you have to consider for several years in any case. How does that make you feel?”
“Relieved... but I still feel like I'm stuck," I admitted, "I'm not comfortable being female but I'm also not comfortable being male. I think I’m okay with being a pony I just... I don't know what I want to be."
"That's why we're here, Green," Mirror said softly, "To help you figure it out. Remember, you don't have to rush. This is a journey, and it's perfectly okay to take your time."
I sighed deeply and laid my head down on the couch. I felt a lot less anxious, and a lot more tired.
“Thanks for talking to me.” I said, trying not to yawn, “I-”
The yawn came out. “I think this was helpful.”
I closed my eyes.
“Ah think ya talked er-em right ta sleep.” Applejack joked.
She slipped up on the pronoun but I could appreciate the effort.
“Hey,” I couldn’t help but smile, “I’m just resting my eyes.”
After Applejack and Mirror said their goodbyes I stumbled my way over to the wheelchair and pulled myself into it. The seat of the adult-sized chair was just large enough for me to lie down on if I curled up. It took a little wriggling to get into a comfortable position with my cast, but once I did I quickly fell asleep.
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Update ? What glorious time of the day.
👍
Thanks Greenhorne
debo estar paranoico.
su incertidumbre identitaria fue un problema desde el principio y aun haci sentía que me estaban metiendo propaganda de la nada.
Google translate:
I must be paranoid.
His identity uncertainty was a problem from the beginning and I even felt like they were putting propaganda out of nowhere.
AN UPDATE!
It was an important talk. Thanks for the chapter, it was pretty good and informative.
I like this. This is helpfully explanatory character work.
11621037
It was a talk that needed to happen, and Dr. Image wasn't about to start spitting red pills.
Very nice chapter! I was wondering how Green's gender might be tackled, and I'm happy to see it was handled so well!
Yikes. That whole horse-reproduction estrus stuff was probably a lot more brutal than it seems. If they had all the basic biology as Humans, Green might have felt more sure about things with their medical knowledge, but not knowing how their body even works had to have been tough.
Great chapter as always.
To be a Changeling, gender would be changed to what is feeling right. Perhaps one day swinging the Sausage and the next the Taco is flung around
Yay, an update
I sympathize with Green here, having your body be changed so suddenly without you own input must be Tartarus to deal with, and with the way trans folks are sometimes treated, I can understand their apprehension to talk about it, even if, as you said, this case is not exactly the same as someone dealing with dysphoria their whole life (which doesn't diminish Green's experience in the slightest.)
Identity can be confusing to deal with. Even if I don't have gender dysphoria, I feel that gender expectations are really silly, as in you're forced to play this game and follow these silly rules, and if you don't conform to these roles you're alienated from others.
To continue with this game analogy, a game is something that you do just for the sake of it, the fun of it, and I feel that gender and identity should work the same in general, they're both personal, and should bring you happiness and joy.
Great chapter all around Greenhorne, and sorry if my comment's a bit all over the place: it's just that this chapter gave me a lot to think about :p
Cheers mate!
—Ryebuck
Mmm. I dislike the content of this chapter, I find transitions to wrong as a biological fact, but I do understand gender and body disforia as a problem. I do appreciate that you are taking a "neutral stance" in this story and that you are not pushing side.
Good chap all together, looking forward to more.
11621054
estoy un poco confundido por el término "red pills", pero estoy de acuerdo en que esta charla era necesitaba pasar.
Google translate:
I'm a bit confused by the term "red pills", but I agree that this talk needed to happen.
11621083
talvez el genero no es importante para la identidad de los changelings, o quiza no tienen generos y son hermafroditas.
Google translate:
Perhaps gender is not important to changelings' identity, or perhaps they are genderless and hermaphrodites.
11621103
ha now there's a thought to ponder over with changelings
GASP! AN UPDATE!
Thank you!
We are one of the more broken ones, to us gender is not an intrinsic identity component and honestly if we had one, the other, or neither, it wouldn't really change who we are.
Even my form of escapism can't elude activism...
11621211
Did you honestly think the doctor was just going to tell Green to suck it up and accept the fact they're a filly now?
In light of the rampant politicism of transgender individuals seeing an honest discussion on gender identity feels like a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much for being courageous enough to discuss it and post it; there be some bigotry in these comments and I wanted to let you know that I support ya, Green.
11621211
Ah yes because Green being ripped out of their world, forced to change gender, having an identity crisis because of said gender change, and going to therapy to get help is apparently activism.
Sad to see people reacting poorly to this chapter. Especially odd given that we have known that this would likely come up in some form or another from chapter one.
11621223
Plenty of doctors who say that.
Same for therapist and the likes, they are not always helpful.
I liked how you handled this very down to earth and neutral just how it should be. This way Green can work it out themselves.
A Therapist that is helpful? Gotta be fiction.
But the truth is you have good docs that can knock it out of the park and terrible ones that get pissy because you screw up video conference calls.
Gender is a conspiracy made up to sell more bathrooms.
In all seriousness, apparently silent support isn't enough for this chapter. I wholeheartedly approve the way it was handled!
You danced wonderfully through three different perspectives on a difficult and nuanced issue in this chapter. Really great writing, it feels appropriately in character while being non-judgemental and objective in the way the previous chapter was as well. 10/10 work here!
This story isn't gonna start promoting alphabet and pride agenda is it?
11621086
Plus the idiot really expected green to take him seriously when he was ask about being a mare at least this get them off the rapist kick. Though with discord around how anyone could not take him seriously is beyond me. If I live somewhere where there is guy who change reality whatever he wants and he prefers something a little kid would like if someone says they were transformed I'll believe them.
Green is trans. Trans refers to change. The transition. Green went from a male human to a female pony. Where Green is not like most other trans individuals is that Green got switched in an instant and dumped into a traumatic situation. They didn't get the opportunity to transition properly. That transition time is very important. I've transitioned fully. It's a difficult road to travel. Transitioning can be both confusing and frustrating. One of the challenges is in how others will see the individual. A lot of people will go back and forth from trying to transition into their new self to falling back on the old familiar self. Green didn't get the opportunity to explore, to see if changing was right for them. Their transition from human male to filly would be a big shock even if they would have otherwise welcomed it. One point where Geen has an advantage here is that none of the ponies knew them before they became Green the filly. Getting others to accept us when we transition is quite possibly the biggest challenge.
11621054
That might actually be a good question to ask Green in a therapy session. Red pill versus green pill. If Green could take a pill and remember only their life as a filly, would they? Would they want to, or would they prefer to remember who they were?
11621103
I believe it's a "Matrix" reference. Red pill versus Blue pill. One lets you go back to your life forgetting you ever thought anything was out of place and the other takers you further down the rabbit hole.
11621103
Edit: Edited part of the comment to address Joaquin's later response with strike-though for deletions, and bold for addendums.
Red Pill es una referencia a la pelicula Matrix, en donde la píldora roja te dejaba ver la realidad tal como es, pero en el mundo anglo-parlante fue adoptado casi como un eslogan de la derecha alternativa, quienes están convencidos que los roles de genero casi como que están diseñados para dañar a los hombres y beneficiar a las mujeres (honestamente en mi opinion nos daña a todas las personas, si leíste mi anterior comentario en este capítulo ahí voy en más detalle lol). He aquí un extracto de la Wikipedia en español:
El tema es que aquellos que se adhieren a esta metáfora suelen usarlo como escusa para la misoginia y la homofobia; a esto es a lo que se refería Greenhorne con "red pill."
Espero esto te haya ayudado a aclarar tus dudas :3
Ps: con tu primer comentario te referías a que parecía un poco a un sermón y estaba tratado de un modo "torpe" a pesar de que tiene importancia temática en la historia, no? Porque en la traducción automática que usaste da la impresión de que estabas desmeritando el punto central, a pesar de que tus subsiguientes comentarios parecen estar de acuerdo.
(For those of you that don't speak Spanish, I basically explained the concept of the "red pill" to Joaquin, which also used to confuse me as well since I just knew it from the Matrix and not the manosphere alt-right babble it has become, and I asked Joaquin about their first comment, which
)
probably camedid come out more confrontational than they mayhaveintended due to the automatic translation they used. Joaquín actually meant to express that they felt the talk was a bit it ham-fisted and "preachy" in its execution, not that they disagreed with its inclusion¡Saludos a todos / Cheers!
—Ryebuck
11621410
Yeah, the magician that transported them to Equestria was a gigantic jerk and quite fishy in their approach
11621246
And their major social anxiety. The moon would small in comparison to amount of anxiety that kid has. The doctor was called in because of it but they are learning more about the kid than anyone probably thought. Though at least diamond will hopefully get a family that can act like they care. Her father is so caught up with work that he doesn't have time for his family and his wife thinks that she is God's gift to the world and everyone else is trash. She wants her daughter to be just like her.
Thanks for the chapter.
11621425
tiene sentido, gracias por la explicación.
Google translate:
makes sense, thanks for the explanation.
11621450
"Ps: con tu primer comentario te referías a que parecía un poco a un sermón y estaba tratado de un modo "torpe" a pesar de que tiene importancia temática en la historia, no? "
correcto.
"Porque en la traducción automática que usaste da la impresión de que estabas desmeritando el punto central, a pesar de que tus subsiguientes comentarios parecen estar de acuerdo."
maldito traductor de Google
11621576
Cosas que pasan jsjsjs
El traductor de Google, por bueno que sea para traducir las cosas textualmente, es basura para traducir las sutilezas del idioma
11621396
I'm just here for the comments.
Heh, yes what a topical chapter indeed given what month it is! I like this Mirror Image fellow, nice to see Green does too. He makes a good point that what happened to Green was quite unique. Will be interesting to see how that transpires moving forward!
Always like seeing more chapters from you. Happy Pride month.
Personally, gender just isn’t for me. I don’t need it. Seems like Green might not either, but we’ll see.
I wish them the best of luck on their journey of self discovery.
Happy pride month to all you funky little alphabet people. Stay groovy.
Love the new chapter! And its nice to see Image actually taking the time to talk about gender dysphoria with Green, as a trans person, I was a bit worried about how that was gonna be tackled and you did a Fantastic job of it!
Green's new identification: Attack Helicopter
The chapter was shorter than I would have liked but I feel like it was well written. This was a topic that had to come up sooner or later given Green's inescapable lifestyle and it's nice to see it handled in therapy. It didn't seem forced but rather a natural progression, however well timed for pride month. Nice to see to it handled from a professional prospective.
Golden chapter! The talk was much-needed. Hopefully Green can schedule more appointments to talk about things that are bothering them and become less anxious.
11621774
... Of course someone wrote a story about something like that, because why not? But of course, I now have to read it, because the concept of people turning into military vehicles piques my interest.
11621774
11621838
I fed my chapter into an AI along with your prompt and received this result:
11621838
Good human
Here’s a high quality meme for you
Damn, another story I will be dropping due to identity politics.
Having said that, you've tackled the cult proganda in a far more interesting way than any other writer I've personally encountered on this site to date so kudos for your skill. You have a talent for writing characters that are believable (at least until what feels like a rather forced bit on gender specifically for June) and you seem to know to avoid the "and then" trap in writing. Despite this chapter killing the story for me, I DID enjoy it up until this point and I'll be peeking at any other works you produce to hopefully enjoy them... without the politics I come to this site specifically to avoid.
My kids bring home this stuff from their school, the summer camp, I have to have it rammed down my throat at work... I just don't need it in my tiny mental escape of pony fanfiction.