• Published 16th Oct 2019
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Trust Once Lost - Greenhorne



When I agreed to be sent to Equestria I didn't read the fine print. I'm the wrong age, the wrong gender, and lost in the wilderness.

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I've Been Doing Just Fine!

The sun was too bright. The colors were too vibrant; the voices too happy.

Why aren’t you happy? Why aren’t you smiling? There must be something wrong with you. You don’t belong here.

Their wordless accusations clawed at me.

I was dreading what would happen when we reached the hospital, but at the same time I just wanted it to be over with. I couldn’t think of any way to control the outcome, I couldn’t refuse to speak with them, and when I did speak with them I’d have to tell the truth to stay consistent with Applejack.

“Y’all right’ Sweetpea? Yer sighing like a teakettle.”

“I’m fine.”

“Ah know yer worried about meeting with a new pony, but Ah promise they’re here to look out for ya.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” I sighed. “They’re going to make the decisions they think are right for me, and I don’t have a say in it.”

“What decisions?” Applejack asked.

The decision of whether I’m allowed to stay with you!

“I don’t know.” I replied.

“They’re just going to talk with ya ta see how yer doin,.” Explained Applejack, “And maybe help ya with all this anxiety yer havin’ at school.”

I stopped walking, making sure we were still far enough away from the hospital and there weren’t any ponies around to overhear. Applejack turned to face me.

“They’re going to talk to each of us separately. To make sure we’re both telling the same story.” I said, “I know you’re going to tell them about the soap incident, since you’re so damn honest so I’m going to have to tell them about it too.”

“Ah’m just goin’ ta tel them-”

“Stop!” I cut her off. “Don’t tell me what you’re going to tell them. If I know the words you’re going to use then it will look like you coached me. Just for the love of Celestia don’t make it sound as bad as you seemed to think it was.”

“It’s going to be alright Sweetpea.”

There was a painful lump in my throat, and I didn’t think I could answer without my voice cracking.

No it’s not.


“My, you’re one serious little filly.”

It was a poor attempt to break the ice. Someone could easily take that the wrong way.

Take the initiative. Put them off balance.

“Don’t condescend to me.” I said flatly.

Breathe in, breathe out. Focus.

“I’m sorry, I think we got off on the wrong hoof,” The Therapist pony said, “I meant no offense.”

Concern, not annoyance. Good. She’ll probably allow me to control the conversation now.

I lay down on the couch opposite her chair, ignoring the pile of soft toys and floor cushions she had set up. The ceiling had drop panels with built in light strips.

I was afraid if I said anything my voice would waver, so I just focused on a point on the ceiling and controlled my breath.

“You don’t want to be here.”

Oh wow, brilliant deduction.

It wasn’t a question, so I didn’t have to answer.

“You go by Green?”

“Yes.” I tried to sound bored.

I wonder if there’s fluorescent tubes behind those diffusion plates. It wasn’t the harsh cool white that fluorescent tubes were notorious for.

“That’s a lovely name.”

Fucks sake just get on with it.

“My name is Morning Light.” She said, “Are you afraid something bad will happen if you talk to me?”

It’s not working. Fuck. She can see right through me.

Keep breathing.

It’s okay. She probably asks that question to everypony... but I winced when she asked it. Fuck.

I sighed audibly; No point trying to hide my breathing anymore. May as well try some of that honesty Applejack was so fond of.

“I don’t think it makes a difference what I say.” I closed my eyes. “Just ask whatever questions you have to ask me so I can leave.”

Applejack thought of me like her own, and she’d have that ripped away. Just because I couldn’t convince this damn therapist that I was okay.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Stay calm.

“I’m here to listen, and to help you.”

“Sure.”

“Why do you think you’re here?”

“I’m here so you can evaluate if my placement with the Apples is appropriate.”

There was a lump in my throat.

“You’re here so I can make sure you’re okay.”

“Well, I am.”

“You don’t look like you’re okay.”

“I get that a lot.”

“They tell me you don’t want to go to school, why is that?”

“It gives me anxiety.”

The therapist let the silence drag on waiting for me to elaborate.

If I was in my human body I would have been able to reach up and nudge one of the drop panels in the ceiling to get a peek at the back of the light fixtures. If they were some kind of magical light how were they powered? Could magic travel through wires?

“What is it about school that makes you feel anxious?”

I knew she was asking open ended questions to try and get me to talk more. I decided to just go along with it so I can get out of here faster.

“I don’t like being around so many ponies, especially ponies around my own age.” I explained. “They’re immature and unpredictable.”

“And you’re afraid they may do something to hurt you?”

“Social situations in general are stressful for me.” I said. “If I say or do the wrong thing, I could make someo-pony feel bad, or make a fool of myself, or just... come across in ways I don’t intend to.”

She waited patiently for me to continue.

“It's like, if I’m speaking to one pony, I can listen to what they say, observe their tone and body language, build up a profile for how they tend to think, predict how they may react to anything I say or do.” I continued, “If there’s more than one pony, the complexity increases exponentially, because they all interact with each other, and I can’t see or pay attention to what all of them are doing. I can’t remember who they all are.”

“It sounds like you’ve spent some time reflecting on this.”

I almost thought she was testing me to see if I knew what ‘reflection’ was in this context, but the shift to a less energetic, less ‘adult speaking to a child’ intonation seemed to indicate she was willing to speak to me on a more equal level.

“Self awareness is hard.” I said.

“In what way?”

“Being aware of yourself creates another aspect of yourself to be aware of.” I explained, “When you try to be aware of yourself, your self-awareness becomes another part of you, which you must then become aware of. It’s a feedback loop.”

“I can see how that would be difficult.”

“The other difficulty is cognitive bias.” I said, “If you believe something about yourself then you’ll more easily recall memories that support that belief then ones that contradict it. If you believe you’re kind you’ll remember all the times you were nice and gloss over or excuse the times you were mean. If you’re depressed and believe you’re stupid and useless, you’ll vividly remember all the times you failed and struggle to recall times you succeeded.”

“Do you ever feel like you’re useless and stupid?”

“Well, I am objectively pretty useless, but I try not to think about that too much.”

“What makes you think you’re useless?”

“I can’t help anyo-pony.” I said flatly. “I can’t do magic, can’t hold things properly with my hooves, and I’m too much of an anxious wreck to even support anypony else emotionally. If I could get through a day without - If I could just-”

I blew out a breath and took a moment to collect myself.

“I just wish I could stop making everypony that tries to help me feel bad.” I sighed. “If I could stop making other ponies lives worse-”

“If you helped somepony, you’d feel good about it, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“So if you let somepony else help you, why would it make them feel bad?”

“Because when they try to help me, it will fail and then they’ll feel bad about having failed to help me.”


“Applejack,” Dayglow greeted, “It’s nice to see you again.”

“Thanks for seein’ us on short notice like this.” Said Applejack. “Ah know you wanted to have the review after one week, but I feel like Green really needed to see somepony sooner rather than later.”

“It’s no trouble at all.” Said Dayglow. “So, Green has been a bit of a hooffull?”

“Well... Yes an’ no.” Applejack explained. “It’s been a might stressful lookin’ out fer her, with her anxiety an’ all, but she does whatever she’s told. Seems like all she really wants is ta curl up with a book.”

“What would you say has been the biggest struggle for her in terms of her anxiety?”

“Ah well, definately school Ah’d say.” Said Applejack. “She seems ta be doin’ alright when she’s just around the farm. ‘Specially when she’s got Winona with her.”

“I’m glad she’s found a place where she feels safe.” Said Dayglow, “Now, I understand she had an anxiety attack at school, and then a magic surge?”

“One of the other fillies was bullyin’ her!” Applejack exclaimed, “How can Cheerilee just let that happen?”

“I’ve spoken to Cheerilee about it and unfortunately it seems there wasn’t much more that could have been done at the time.” Said Dayglow, “We’ve decided that we should inform the other students about some of Green’s situation and what behavior is expected from them. When she comes back to school she’s going to be treated differently. It’s not ideal to single her out like this, but I feel in this case it’s going to be necessary, to control rumors if nothing else.”

“Are ya sure that ain’t somethin’ we should ask Green about first?” Asked Applejack. “Ah don’t think she’d like ponies talkin’ about her behind her back.”

“Hmmm.” Said Dayglow. “Cheerilee will already have told them by now, I guess we’ll just have to break the news to her gently.”

Applejack sighed. “Ah just want ta protect her. She’s gone through so much.”

“So, aside from the incident at school, what else has she been struggling with?”

“Well today she was real anxious about coming here today.”

“Why’s that?”

Applejack sighed.

“There was an incident a couple days ago,” Applejack explained, “Green said a bad word infront’a Granny and well, Granny decided she needed to wash her mouth out with soap. Ah’ve made sure it won’t happen again-”

“Oh dear,” gasped Dayglow, “How did Green respond?”

“She didn’t seem ta mind the soap,” said Applejack, “What she was terrified of is that you’d find out about it and take her away.”

“How’d she get that idea?”

Applejack looked downcast.

“That may have been Mah fault too,” said Applejack, “Ah think she overheard me telling Granny why she couldn’t use any physical punishments with Green. Green wanted to keep it a secret, but Ah told her she should never keep it a secret if somepony hurts her.”

“It’s unfortunate that this happened, but you handled the situation appropriately.” Dayglow praised. “It’s certainly not enough for me to think she’s unsafe in your home.”

“Well that’s a load off mah back,” said Applejack, “Ah hate ta admit she had me starting ta worry.”

“Normally at this point I’d ask about her daily routine, but I’m guessing she hasn’t had time to settle into one yet.” Dayglow saw Applejack nod in confirmation, “So any more concerns in general?”

“I dunno where ta start.”

“Let’s start with the party.” Said Dayglow, “Green didn’t want to attend?”

“She was real anxious about being around so many other ponies,” explained Applejack, “She seemed ta think she had ta pretend to be having fun ta avoid upsetting Pinkie, but Ah told her she didn’t have ta go ta the party if she didn’t want to.”

“How does she know Pinkie?” Asked Dayglow.

“Ah’m not sure,” replied Applejack, “By reputation Ah guess. She was really scared of what might happen if Pinkie thought she didn’t like the party.”

“Well I think you made the right decision there.” Said Dayglow. “I’d hoped that her anxiety was specific to her being in hospital, but it seems like it’s a more general social anxiety. What happened next?”

“Well Ah sent mah little sister and her two friends up to keep Green company, but when Ah came back to check on them Ah found her out in the hallway talking to Rainbow Dash, an’ Green was crying.”

“Rainbow Dash the Wonderbolt?” Asked Dayglow.

Applejack nodded.

“And what was she doing there?”

“That takes a little explaining.” Said Applejack. “See Rainbow thinks of Scootaloo as a little sister-”

“The filly Green kicked in the face?” Dayglow put a fetlock across her muzzle. “Please tell me this isn’t going where I think it’s going.”

“Ah thought that she’d come ta give Green a talkin’ to, and Ah may have overreacted.”

Dayglow’s face became serious. “Was there violence involved?”

“What?” Applejack exclaimed. “No! No, ah jus’ yelled at her and kicked her out of mah house.”

“That seems like a reasonable response. It’s completely inappropriate for Rainbow to discipline a foal who’s under your care without your knowledge or consent.”

“It turns out Rainbow was only up there to see if they were alright, and Green ran into her.” Applejack explained. “And Green was terrified that it was her fault we were fighting.”

“I see.” Dayglow wrote something on a clipboard. “Well, these things happen sometimes. Were you able to console her?”

“Yeah, Ah gave her a hug an’ answered her worries as best Ah could.”

“Who initiated the hug?”

“Pardon?”

“Did she come to you, or did you go to her?”

“She was hidin’ behind mah foreleg, and she was pressed up against me so Ah figured she wanted a hug.”

Dayglow smiled. “It sounds like she feels safe with you, even if she was scared by the yelling.”


“So, you used to be a nurse?”

I looked the therapist in the eye.

“How could I be a nurse at my age?” I asked.

“In the hospital, you were just pretending?”

“Why don’t we pump you full of Morphine and see what crazy things you start saying?” I deadpanned

“What’s Morphine?”

Did I just fuck up and say a drug that didn’t exist in this world? No. Wait. I read that in my patient notes, so it was the same.

Is she testing me, or does she honestly not know?

“Morphine is a strong painkiller; they gave it to me at the hospital when I broke my foreleg.” I explained, “Turns out it made me go a bit loopy.”

There. Not too detailed, but enough to show I know what I’m talking about.

“Pain killer?”

My anger spiked for a moment.

Is she really going to quibble about my word choice?

“Analgesic.” I said tersely.

The therapist nodded.

“So you were testing me.”

“Testing you?”

I groaned in frustration.

“Can I leave?”

“We can take a break if you like.”


“Green opened up ta me this morning more than she has before,” said Applejack, “But the things she was saying? Ah think she’s still not quite right in the head.”

“What did she say?”

“She said that she wasn’t a real filly and that she wanted to pretend that Ah was real.” Said Applejack. “She said that she was afraid to tell anypony because they would think she was crazy. That she wasn’t sure if she was crazy or not.”

“That’s...” Said Dayglow. “Hmm. That wasn’t something I was expecting.”

“Is there something wrong with her brain?”

Dayglow thought for a moment.

“The way she talks it’s easy to forget her age, it is normal for a child her age to have an imaginary friend, or a make-believe world they pretend is real,” explained Dayglow, “But this self doubt and anxiety over whether ponies will think she’s crazy is a concern.”

“So what should ah do?”

“Reassure her,” instructed Dayglow, “Don’t worry about trying to poke holes in her story, she knows on some level what’s real and what isn’t.”


I sighed explosively as I stepped out of the room. Morning Light was still standing right behind me, of course, but she already knew how uncomfortable she was making me so it was pointless to try and spare her feelings.

Blood pounded in my ears; my legs felt taught; I could feel the linoleum under my hooves - not much traction. I took a breath, held it, and exhaled slowly.

Running away won’t solve anything, she’ll just catch me.

“Where’s Applejack?” I asked.

“She has a meeting with Dayglow,” Morning replied, “They should be finished about the same time we are.”

When they’re done talking I might never see her again.

I looked down the hall and saw a directory, noting the arrow labeled “Social Worker” pointing to the left. Conveniently, there was also an arrow pointing left directing ponies to the restrooms.

“Where are you going?”

“To the bathroom.” I snarked. “You can stop following me now.”

“That’s fine, I just need to know where you are.” She replied.

“No means no.” I tried to snark, but the last syllable broke.

My head was floating, my legs were jelly, my breaths were sharp.

As I turned the corner I quickly identified Dayglow’s office through my blurry vision and made a beeline for it. Thankfully the door was unlocked, and it opened with a leaver not a knob (I had a lot of trouble gripping those). Morning Light spotted me just as I was opening the door. We made eye contact and she opened her mouth about to say something until she just let out an exasperated sigh.

I pushed the door open and saw Applejack. Started walking towards her. Mechanically sat down next to her. I couldn’t speak, I could hardly breathe or see.

“Y’alright Sweetpea?”

“I-I’m f-” I felt tears running down my muzzle as I looked at the floor. “...no.”

I felt the warmth of Applejack’s body as she wrapped me in a hug.


Dayglow looked at her colleague in the doorway and raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll give you two a moment.” She said before walking out into the hallway.

“Sorry,” Morning Light apologized, “She got away from me.”

“Difficult session?”

“I don’t think she likes me.”

“Running away crying for their mommy is generally a bad sign, yes.”

“I could do without the sarcasm Glowy.”

“Alright, alright.” Dayglow placated. “Do you think you can help her?”

“Maybe.” Morning replied. “I think Applejack will need to be in the room with us for her to feel comfortable talking to me though, at least for a few sessions.”

“Did you hit on something traumatic?”

“Hardly.” Morning huffed.“The first words out of her mouth were to accuse me of being condescending.”

“And then?”

“Well, she’s obviously had therapy before and she has an excellent memory,” explained Morning, “She rattled off the analysis for how her anxiety functions, and then a bunch of philosophical stuff.”

“Philosophy?”

“I’m not sure how much of it she really understands. Based on the wording it sounds like she’s paraphrasing something she read in a book.” Said Morning. “Cognitively she seems to be pretty firmly in the concrete operational stage. She’s able to think of things from other ponies' perspectives, but when asked hypothetical questions she’s certain there’s only one answer.”

“So what led to...” Dayglow gestured towards her office. “This.”

“She was becoming increasingly paranoid that I was ‘testing’ her and I suggested we could have a break - she went straight for Applejack.” Morning shrugged. “At least she’s bonding well with her foster mom.”

“Yeah...” Dayglow winced.

“Oh shame!” Morning exclaimed “You’re not planning on separating them are you?”

Dayglow hesitated and glanced around.

“You know how many official requests for information I normally get from Canterlot?” Said Dayglow. “None. In seventeen years it’s never happened. For Green I’ve had ten in less than a week. One of them sent a pegasus messenger to fly the documents back directly.”

“A courier?”

“Not a courier, a messenger, with the crest of a noble house.”

“You’re not saying they would-”

“Of course, I’d never suggest that a noble house would act improperly,” Dayglow grit her teeth. “But they’re sending an inspector, and I think we both know how thorough they’ll be when they assess the Apple’s ability to nurture her magical development.

Author's Note:

The chapter title is a reference to this fic written by a friend of mine. Go check it out if you want to see different take on the themes of gender and pony transformation.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/507361/coming-out-of-my-cage

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