After a few minutes Luna returned and, to my shock, the pony she had brought along was Fluttershy. I hadn’t considered that she might bring one of the mane six, although in hindsight they were the ponies she had called on previously to help with problems in the dream realm.
Fluttershy was looking at me with sorrowful eyes and I had to suppress the sudden urge to freeze. The absolute last thing I wanted was to cause her distress, and if she got the impression I was afraid of her, it would be counterproductive. I fell back on my well-practiced skills for dealing with anxious people. I wasn’t sure if I was getting the body language right with this new body, but I relaxed into what I thought was a more open posture, subconsciously I was also trying to appear smaller and less imposing. I imagined a comforting warmth in my chest which I allowed to form a slight, understanding smile on my face. I moved neither closer, nor further away, allowing her to set the distance between us for her own comfort. I tried to keep enough eye contact to appear attentive, but not so much as to be intimidating or demanding.
I didn’t freeze, but I kept my movements slow and deliberate, consciously dulling my reflexes to avoid making any sudden movements in response to anything she did. I didn’t say anything, it would be better to allow her to speak first, but I started to mentally prepare what I would say and the tone and volume I would use if the silence stretched long enough to be awkward.
Those few seconds of preparation were wasted when Fluttershy rocketed forward, boosted by her wings, and swooped me into a fierce hug.
As it turns out, being unintimidating is very easy when you look like a young filly.
I wasn't normally one for hugging strangers. If I felt someone needed reassurance, it was much easier to justify a gentle squeeze of their hand or a comforting hand on the shoulder, and those were much less likely to be misinterpreted. Being hugged by Fluttershy was something else. I'm not sure if it was my new body, Fluttershy's empathic powers or a property of the dream realm, but in her embrace for the first time since my arrival in this world, I felt safe.
Paradoxically, this made me burst into tears. All the fears I'd been putting off until later slammed back into me and I lost any sense of calm rationality I'd been trying to embody.
I was afraid of dying out here, I was afraid of starting life as a child again, I was afraid of what ponies might think if they found out my secret, all of those had been gnawing at me for as long as I'd been here, but there was a fear that surprised me. I hadn't given even a moment's thought to how I was going to get back. I had just immediately considered my state of being in this new world to be an immutable fact. Why?
My tears had subsided as I curled up against her barrel. With Fluttershy’s calming energy radiating through me I could finally examine my situation beyond a surface level of ‘survive’ without my brain shutting down or redirecting my attention to less uncomfortable thoughts.
Starting from the most basic level, I know nothing. I assume I exist, because assuming I don’t exist while possible, isn’t useful. I have memories which I assume are true and correct representations of reality, or at least representations of things I thought and perceived in the past, because assuming I can’t trust my memories I also wouldn’t be able to reason making the exercise pointless. Assuming I exist, and my memories represent things I have experienced in the past, what am I?
I’m a human. Came the immediate response, but that wasn’t true anymore was it? Right now, if my senses and memories were to be believed, I was a pony. So if I could be a human, and then be a pony, ‘I’ wasn’t a human was I?
Consciousness. 'I' was a consciousness. A consciousness was the product of a brain. My consciousness was the product of a brain inside this body, so this was my body, this was 'me'. So if another body came into existence with my consciousness within it, it wouldn't be me, it would be a copy of me. So if I ceased existing in this body, and simultaneously another body came into existence with my consciousness within it, I would be dead and it would still only be a copy of me.
That meant that since I started existing in this body’s brain earlier today, I wasn’t the original. I couldn’t be the original because the memories I had would have required me to be a different brain in a different body. I was a copy. The original could be alive, or dead, but I was never the original, and I could never become the original again.
It was no longer a matter of just getting out of the present situation, this was my life now. I had a full life ahead of me, probably far more than that twenty or thirty years my human body had left. Sure, it would be annoying to have to live through childhood again, and this new body would take some getting used to, but focusing only on the negatives was a waste of time. This new life was an opportunity; the only opportunity I was going to get.
I sighed contentedly. This must be what it’s like to be one of Fluttershy’s critters. No wonder they loved her.
“You can put me down now,” I spoke gently, barely more than a whisper, but this was a dream; I knew she would hear me, since that’s what I intended, “I feel much better, really.”
As much as I wanted to stay in her comforting embrace, we were on a clock. At some point I would wake from this dream and be alone in the wilderness again. Before that happened I needed information, I needed a plan.
Fluttershy sat me down in front of her, laying on her belly so we were at the same eye level. She stayed silent, waiting for me to talk.
I wanted to start asking about useful, practical things, but I could feel what she wanted from me. I’m not sure if it was her expression, some quirk of the dream realm, her empathic powers, or just my own guilt but I felt compelled to tell her the truth.
“I-I’m not what I look like,” I rushed to explain, “Or, I suppose I kind of am, but well, I wasn’t always this way, I mean well I remember not being me -”
She mercifully cut me off by putting a hoof over my mouth.
“It's okay, I know you’re scared,” her voice sounded layered, angelic, and I was becoming increasingly convinced that her powers were messing with my perception of her somehow, “Just try and start from the beginning. Luna said she could extend the dream as long as we need.”
The beginning? Well, I suppose I could actually start from the beginning of my existence, since it was a few scant hours ago.
I took a breath, held it, and blew it out slowly. My thoughts started to clear and - wait, what was I doing? I could feel Fluttershy's intent radiating from her and flowing through me and I had to separate it from my own. I didn't want to tell her everything, she wanted me to.
I felt bad about resisting her will, she had no ulterior motive, she just wanted to help me. I wasn't sure how much of that feeling was genuine guilt and how much, if any, was being imposed by her empathic power. Before it could erode my self control entirely I had to change what I believed to fit what I wanted to tell ponies.
Okay. If this was a different universe to the one my human memories came from, then those memories weren't real. They didn't happen to me. They weren't relevant if someone asked me about myself or things that happened to me. My human name wasn't my name, it was the name of the person who experienced those memories, if they existed at all. Ponies were born, they didn't pop into existence fully formed in the middle of nowhere so I must have a past here that I couldn't remember.
This was my truth now. Any doubts I had were just doubts. This was the truth. It was logical, it fit all the facts, I wanted it to be true, it was true.
"I can't remember anything," I explained, "I know a bunch of stuff, but I think most of it is just imaginary. Some of it is real, I know who you are, Fluttershy, element of Kindness, and who Princess Luna is, but when I try to remember my real life there's nothing. It's like I just popped into existence yesterday. That's not something that can happen, right?"
Fluttershy leaned forward and nuzzled me. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief as the pressure of her will lifted.
"Oh you poor thing," she soothed, "You're being very brave."
A sense of elation ran through my body as her praise washed over me and I wanted to curl up in her embrace again and have her stay with me forever. Was that an instinct of this body, or more evidence of her power?
I sighed. It couldn't last. This was a dream. My real body wasn't curled up in Fluttershy's motherly embrace, it was laying on the cold ground, alone and vulnerable.
I turned back to Luna who was watching us with an unreadable expression. I couldn't sense any emotion from her.
"What's the plan?" I asked.
”This river looks to be about one stride across in the dream. Is that correct in reality?” Luna queried.
”One of your strides maybe.” I tried to remember how the river looked in the waking world, “It looks a lot bigger to me.”
"When you wake, you will stay where you are," she instructed, "We will begin a search of the forests surrounding towns and villages with a focus on those with rivers within a day's travel for a filly. To narrow the search further we will investigate reports of recent missing fillies which match your description."
That made sense. It made a lot of sense actually. Assuming I was a filly who wandered into the forest with no supplies I couldn't have gone far. Unless of course I had spontaneously popped into existence in a random place.
I couldn't bring up that fear though. Not without sounding crazy.
"Alright,” I agreed, "How long can I survive without food before I suffer permanent injury?"
Luna looked somewhat taken aback at the bluntness, or perhaps the wording of my question.
"What time of year is it?" I continued, "How cold will it get at night, how likely is a storm? I have no shelter or cold weather gear. What about monsters?"
Luna held up a hoof to silence me.
"Those are all excellent reasons why a filly should not wander into the forest alone," she replied, "but there is little that can be done now save for a swift rescue. Stay where you are. Wave if you see somepony flying overhead.”
“You can see my dreams, right?" I countered, "If I can show you some landmarks you could use them to narrow the search area."
"Do you recall any landmarks?" She asked.
From her tone it was clear that she still didn't fully believe my amnesia story. On this point however I was being completely honest.
"No," I sighed, "the forest is too dense to see anything large enough to appear on a map, but if I can get to higher ground-"
"Nay, your wandering has caused enough trouble." She chided, "You will stay where you are, next to the river and await your rescuers. Moving further will only hinder their efforts."
Her plan was probably the best idea. Assuming I was actually near a town and was going to be located in the next twenty four hours. I wasn't so sure, but I didn't want to argue with Luna. Aggravating my only lifeline didn't seem like a great idea.
"Okay," I conceded, "I'll stay put."
Luna visibly relaxed at that.
"Alright, secondary issue," I continued, "I can't remember how to use magic, can you, I dunno, explain it, or unlock my hidden potential or something?"
"Magic is not something you can forget young one." Luna explained, "Spells can be learned, but magic must be trained. You could no more forget your magic than you could forget to breathe."
I tried to make sense of what was obviously an oversimplified explanation meant for a child. Was magic like a muscle? Or a reflex that could be trained but not learned?
"Alright, bad assumption," I admitted, "Here's the situation. I can't remember anything before today, so I don't know if I've ever been able to do magic, or what using magic feels like, but currently I am either physically or psychologically unable to even get my horn to glow."
"If you are unable to express your magic you may simply be too young." Luna explained, "There are no shortcuts, gaining control of your magic will take patience and practice."
Well, there went my plan to start a fire magically.
"Understood." I stepped away from Fluttershy and bowed to the Princess again, "Thank you for your time."
Standing between the larger pegasus and the much larger alicorn I felt very small and vulnerable. I didn't like it. Fluttershy was still looking at me with great pity but I wasn't sure why.
I had been tall as a human. Tall enough that it was unusual to meet someone significantly taller. Having to look up to someone, aside from my giant of a father, always gave me an irrational sense of unease.
When I awoke I felt far better than I had any right to. I most likely had Luna's dream magic to thank for feeling refreshed and well rested. For the lack of aches and pains from sleeping on the cold hard ground I suppose I could thank the magic of youth. Or perhaps just the magic of being a magical talking pony.
One thing was for sure though, I wasn’t going to sit back and wait for rescue. If I really was in the middle of nowhere I would need to find a way to prove it to Luna without sounding crazy. Grumbling again at my new lack of physical fitness I looked upstream. Climbing was not going to be fun.
Very nice.
Always love the perspective of an adult who became a child. Getting to experience adults treating you as subhuman/subpony again really makes you think.
Took me a little while to realize that they were supposed to be ghostly in that picture. Reminded me way too much of failed erasing or other stuff like that.
Absolutely hoping for more. And really, really hoping this ends up as a "Human in Equestria? We have dismissed these claims." Story. But either way, this is already a great story. High immersion factor and so on.
9931431
Is it better without the transparency? I've had mixed responses.
media.discordapp.net/attachments/322098533903892480/642401887022481434/Trust_Once_Lost_Cover.png
Drawing is hard. :)
Though I'm a little frustrated. He/she knows about Equestria. It would stand to reason that they'd know about the possibilities of portals, and logic would dictate that on finding ourselves transported into another world where we begin to doubt our own sanity - blame Discord. Not telling the truth may make it harder to find them being there is a remote possibility that they could have unwittingly fallen through a naturally occurring portal like the one we saw in Equestria Girls.
Not telling the truth only makes things worse in the end.
Not sure honestly. Mainly though, in the tv show, dreamstates don't seem to provide that kind of transparent effect. Also I either missed or there wasn't any statement on transparency. So I didn't immediately realize what was going on, and thought of it as a lower quality picture.
Knowing the intent, I like it though. But yea, I don't know which is better.
Luna: Do not wander around to not hinder the rescuer's efforts
OC: *wanders around*
9931446
The protag thinks he's a lot smarter than he actually is.
...Kinda like me 🤣
As I try to indicate in all my comments on fics...Moar...please. Another great chapter, I agree with other comments about the character being a bit bullheaded on her attempt to not tell others of her old life's memories, whether she is a copy or not. I do think accepting that she is the way she is and that is her is healthy for her right now, and likely in the long run, but I hate the 'liar revealed' plot line, which considering the title that may be what I'm in for. Even so, I shall cntinue to read eagerly.
9931763
You may be surprised at what the title actually ends up meaning.
"Who do you think you are, doing that? Some kinda... Jedi?"
9931861
It's my dream. I have a certain amount of control over everything the goes on there. I am one with the dream, the dream is with me.
9931932
Oh, that was heavily paraphrasing from The Phantom Menace.
Side note: I still think the title describes Jarjar.
I really don't like the conclusion he comes to. If it was later on and he decided he wanted to stay because he had a comfortable and fufilling life it would make sense. Here however, it seems like the decision hes made is to abandon his identity and memories, a willful disconnect where there isn't any reason to. If defeats the premise of the story, and feels like the protagonist is commiting suicide for nothing, making them very unsympathetic.
9931932
Well in my dream a swordsman said I have to get up and do sword training. I woke up still a bit drowsy but a few minutes later I was aware that my body was moving on it's own and then I was standing at my back door. Weird
*Angry Descartes noises intensify*
*reads last chapter* sweet, looks like she will be getting some wilderness training/cross-examined from AJ.
*reads current chapter* wait, what? How did Fluttershy become the focus? Did she received her info from AJ off-screen and now is talking with Fluttershy in this chapter? It felt like they suddenly swapped places when I read this chapter. Only real beef I got with this chapter.
9953378
The last chapter was "what if" scenario. It said so in the note. A bonus chapter if you will.
AJ was never in that dream.
Adult mind, yes, but filly body. As anyone who has passed through puberty knows, age and experience are only a part of the gestalt, and hormones and wetware have their own autonomous responses that develop and change with time, too.
That's why I figured a minor scuff was so "painful" at the start.
Feedback moment: good work keeping consistently in character so far!
Oh, good. Moment of truth!
Or not. Truthiness ain't the same thing, ya know?
Welp. Nothing wrong with embracing childhood again, per se.
Light knows, if I had a do-over knowing what I know now, and couldn't just continue on "adulting in smolness" as I think I'll call it, I'd come out of perfectly positioned for prosperity, with plans, procedures, proficiencies, patrons, and paraphernalia all ready to go, instead of the disorganized, chaotic mess that was my teenage life sans-experienced and trustworthy advice. Unless I got lazy... which... yeah, there's a fair risk of that.
Yeah, knowing that's a risk just makes adult status that much more important to me.
Huh, you're making me think philosophically. What's with all the P-words all of a sudden? Must be a pony thing.
But... food... you forgot to ask about edibles! The hunger must be so bad it's affecting your dreaming mind! Luna, tell those searchers to get a hoof on it, stat!
9960225
Fixed, Thankyou.
Twilight turned some oranges into birds, I seem to remember, and Discord...considering he ignores almost all the magical rules, he could theoretically "pop a pony into existence". Not to mention the Mirror Pool created numerous Pinkies - fully-grown mares, though their intelligence was a bit...lacking.
9974076
The narrator is unreliable, just because they think something works a certain way doesn't mean it actually does.
9974079
But the narrator is the main character isn't he? He knows about MLP obviously so he should know that as well. At least it sounds like he is the narrator going by the wording.
I'm gonna go with very, very confused.
Ehh that's a little immersion breaking. Explaining things in highly technical and specific terms is a good idea if you actually do get spirited off to Equestria. But it might be better for the story to spend less words on that dialogue and more on her experience of speaking. Describe not explain, and all.
Honestly that dialogue sounds like a filly reading a cue card from someone sitting in their house relaxing with plenty of time to think of the precisely optimal words to speak. Maybe you talk like that spontaneously on reflex, but if not, then consider speaking... sloppily. Like imagine you don't have time to ponder your words, because yes the dream lasts forever, but they're looking at you expectantly and you have to say something and then what do you blurt out? Putting yourself in the situation like that is a good idea I think, recognizing the limitations you'd face without feeling like you have to overcome them and do everything perfectly.
Very tough start in Equestria... Lets see when they can rescue her...
Unless it ends before it could start it can only get better...
SOMA dilema... Great game. Lets hope its not ending the same way...
Ah like the picture. She’s a hobo filly. Hurrayyyy.
10045977
Vanellope 'hobo' Sweet!
But no land of free food made out of everything to nom on.
Oh, I forgot to say this last chapter, but the "lucid" dream type that you have is almost exactly the kind I have.
Though maybe mine is a bit weaker. Like, my brain refuses to let me change anything that might greatly disrupt the "balance" of things. I give myself flying powers? It requires immense mental effort, and slowly loses effectiveness as time goes on. I can remove parts of a dream that are not self-consistent, but I cannot add something that interrupts the kind of reality that is already present.
I disagree with the protags assertion that they can't be the same person. A few tweeks to the motor cortex does not a new person make. Same with any other part of the brain that isn't memory or neocortex. Also, magic might cheat.
Of course, if this is a case of a (mostly) adult human brain in a filly's head a CAT scan (or magical equivalent) would show that it isn't a normal filly's brain at all.
9931932
I have only ever had one lucid dream. I had total control though.
I went flying. It was fun.
Funnily enough, I'd had a non-lucid flying dream before that wherein I could fly by some arcane movement of the arms. Upon waking up I was greatly disappointed that I'd forgotten the movement. Unfortunately, I have only flown in dreams these two times.
Wherefore doth mine literary meanderings gain such archaic eloquence? Forsooth, 'twas not done with intent nor knowledge of the act.
9958939
Love that.
9932266
Of course Jar-Jar was the original planned menace. See "Sith Lord Jar Jar" (I think that will google it) for the detailed observations of episode 1.
I take it that there was originally a bonus chapter that is now gone? Ah, well.
Enjoying this so far. And yes, if you assume that you are your body, your mind, then moving your thoughts/awareness to a different body is like a transporter usage or something.
McCoy: Transporters are mass murder weapons, I'll only use shuttles from now on.
I hate it when the protagonist doesnt tell the truth, or when all of the other ponies dont beileve a single word they say.
I think you're thinking about thinking this too deeply.
That question of if you're the same person if you're a different brain in a different body reminds me of the game Soma, since your character is not actually human, just a scan of the brain of a human that's been put inside of a suit, and later in the game you build an entirely new body which can withstand the deeper parts of the ocean, and when you transfer your consciousness, while your perspective shifts you actually made a copy and your previous body is sitting in a chair, where you're given the option to kill it or leave it alive.
9960228
....uh? *looks at story* Might want to try again chief.
10280808
Re-fixed, thank you.
10280899
perfect.
9931437
The current avatar is better but maybe for a sequel or a later chapter a good choice!
9931932
Its a nice thing to learn. Hard to control. I think ones is on light sleep durring that time. I often have it on days with alarms set to go off multible times...
9958939
Im curriosity how Green will react to Discord
9974076
Holy blue buttmark of Luna! That one fine point you raised!
10075525
I often fly in my dreams via string and 'jumping high' very inconsistent...
10193446
Indeed some deep shit. I loved it♡
I left my copy alive by the way. The more the better!
Literally who to trust more to get stuff done than doing it yourself? After the ARC is done earth needs repopulation & reconstruction. Someone has to search & rescue the ARC after all!
Being the original or not original does nit really matter as the only time you really was the original was the day you were born as after some years all your cells would have changed. this is the grandfather paradox. if I have a hammer the first year I change the head then the next I change the handle is it still the same hammer?
So him being the original does not matter as he is just who he is even if he is just a copy or a clone since he is the original of that body they may be the same but they can experiencing different things making them not a copy or a clone but a twin experiencing there own being.
Anyway, love this story.
[1] missing an "I"
10438756
Fixed, thankyou.
See this is exactly why she should have told the truth from the begining. I was a human now I'm a filly...even if they dont believe you means they're aware of the possibility and given that magic in Equestria is real they might believe you from the begining. "I'm a little lost filly with Amnesia...hello Fluttershy." Now depending on timeline they may focus on Ponyville as a unicorn outside may not have any reason to know about her.
10532065
I am not a clever pony.
10532680
Meh. From a story telling perspective it is better that he lied.
Much more interesting that way and puts away the human confrontation at a later date instead of dumping it all out right in the beginning when we already have more immediate plot already going.
Given that we exchange our molecules regularly thought metabolism, we're practically new people every few years.... except for the DNA in the nucleus of CNS neurons and slow-diving stem cells. That's the only part of the original 'us' that remains from early life.
In my case... I ABSORB PEOPLE!!! *Alondro sprouts tentacles and SPREADS, just like a typical New Jersian!*
"Yes, I'll stay put."
Wakes up, begins to wander.
10809668
What could go wrong?
10809810
A lot of things, but that's future protags problem.
Oh dear, given the title of the fic him lying is a very bad omen, but I can understand why he wouldn’t automatically tell the truth.
If he was sent to Equestria then logic dictates that he may not be the first to have been offered the deal, and he doesn’t know how the locals would react, nor the motives of the being who made it.
Realistically spreaking, not answering those questions could Very well kill her, if a foal was asking me these questions, and showing me she was in a forest and unknown how deep or which forest, for ponies it could Atleast be a week if she was somewhat deep in a actual forest. What if the filly is deep within the everfree, and I didn't take her seriously, she would soon die or die before she wakes up
His now her capacity to inflict delusions on herself is impressive. It was also impossible to give herself away as being not what it seems so lying just compounded the enigma she is.