• Published 16th Oct 2019
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Trust Once Lost - Greenhorne



When I agreed to be sent to Equestria I didn't read the fine print. I'm the wrong age, the wrong gender, and lost in the wilderness.

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Self-Examination

After a few minutes Luna returned and, to my shock, the pony she had brought along was Fluttershy. I hadn’t considered that she might bring one of the mane six, although in hindsight they were the ponies she had called on previously to help with problems in the dream realm.

Fluttershy was looking at me with sorrowful eyes and I had to suppress the sudden urge to freeze. The absolute last thing I wanted was to cause her distress, and if she got the impression I was afraid of her, it would be counterproductive. I fell back on my well-practiced skills for dealing with anxious people. I wasn’t sure if I was getting the body language right with this new body, but I relaxed into what I thought was a more open posture, subconsciously I was also trying to appear smaller and less imposing. I imagined a comforting warmth in my chest which I allowed to form a slight, understanding smile on my face. I moved neither closer, nor further away, allowing her to set the distance between us for her own comfort. I tried to keep enough eye contact to appear attentive, but not so much as to be intimidating or demanding.

I didn’t freeze, but I kept my movements slow and deliberate, consciously dulling my reflexes to avoid making any sudden movements in response to anything she did. I didn’t say anything, it would be better to allow her to speak first, but I started to mentally prepare what I would say and the tone and volume I would use if the silence stretched long enough to be awkward.

Those few seconds of preparation were wasted when Fluttershy rocketed forward, boosted by her wings, and swooped me into a fierce hug.

As it turns out, being unintimidating is very easy when you look like a young filly.

I wasn't normally one for hugging strangers. If I felt someone needed reassurance, it was much easier to justify a gentle squeeze of their hand or a comforting hand on the shoulder, and those were much less likely to be misinterpreted. Being hugged by Fluttershy was something else. I'm not sure if it was my new body, Fluttershy's empathic powers or a property of the dream realm, but in her embrace for the first time since my arrival in this world, I felt safe.

Paradoxically, this made me burst into tears. All the fears I'd been putting off until later slammed back into me and I lost any sense of calm rationality I'd been trying to embody.

I was afraid of dying out here, I was afraid of starting life as a child again, I was afraid of what ponies might think if they found out my secret, all of those had been gnawing at me for as long as I'd been here, but there was a fear that surprised me. I hadn't given even a moment's thought to how I was going to get back. I had just immediately considered my state of being in this new world to be an immutable fact. Why?

My tears had subsided as I curled up against her barrel. With Fluttershy’s calming energy radiating through me I could finally examine my situation beyond a surface level of ‘survive’ without my brain shutting down or redirecting my attention to less uncomfortable thoughts.

Starting from the most basic level, I know nothing. I assume I exist, because assuming I don’t exist while possible, isn’t useful. I have memories which I assume are true and correct representations of reality, or at least representations of things I thought and perceived in the past, because assuming I can’t trust my memories I also wouldn’t be able to reason making the exercise pointless. Assuming I exist, and my memories represent things I have experienced in the past, what am I?

I’m a human. Came the immediate response, but that wasn’t true anymore was it? Right now, if my senses and memories were to be believed, I was a pony. So if I could be a human, and then be a pony, ‘I’ wasn’t a human was I?

Consciousness. 'I' was a consciousness. A consciousness was the product of a brain. My consciousness was the product of a brain inside this body, so this was my body, this was 'me'. So if another body came into existence with my consciousness within it, it wouldn't be me, it would be a copy of me. So if I ceased existing in this body, and simultaneously another body came into existence with my consciousness within it, I would be dead and it would still only be a copy of me.

That meant that since I started existing in this body’s brain earlier today, I wasn’t the original. I couldn’t be the original because the memories I had would have required me to be a different brain in a different body. I was a copy. The original could be alive, or dead, but I was never the original, and I could never become the original again.

It was no longer a matter of just getting out of the present situation, this was my life now. I had a full life ahead of me, probably far more than that twenty or thirty years my human body had left. Sure, it would be annoying to have to live through childhood again, and this new body would take some getting used to, but focusing only on the negatives was a waste of time. This new life was an opportunity; the only opportunity I was going to get.

I sighed contentedly. This must be what it’s like to be one of Fluttershy’s critters. No wonder they loved her.

“You can put me down now,” I spoke gently, barely more than a whisper, but this was a dream; I knew she would hear me, since that’s what I intended, “I feel much better, really.”

As much as I wanted to stay in her comforting embrace, we were on a clock. At some point I would wake from this dream and be alone in the wilderness again. Before that happened I needed information, I needed a plan.

Fluttershy sat me down in front of her, laying on her belly so we were at the same eye level. She stayed silent, waiting for me to talk.

I wanted to start asking about useful, practical things, but I could feel what she wanted from me. I’m not sure if it was her expression, some quirk of the dream realm, her empathic powers, or just my own guilt but I felt compelled to tell her the truth.

“I-I’m not what I look like,” I rushed to explain, “Or, I suppose I kind of am, but well, I wasn’t always this way, I mean well I remember not being me -”

She mercifully cut me off by putting a hoof over my mouth.

“It's okay, I know you’re scared,” her voice sounded layered, angelic, and I was becoming increasingly convinced that her powers were messing with my perception of her somehow, “Just try and start from the beginning. Luna said she could extend the dream as long as we need.”

The beginning? Well, I suppose I could actually start from the beginning of my existence, since it was a few scant hours ago.

I took a breath, held it, and blew it out slowly. My thoughts started to clear and - wait, what was I doing? I could feel Fluttershy's intent radiating from her and flowing through me and I had to separate it from my own. I didn't want to tell her everything, she wanted me to.

I felt bad about resisting her will, she had no ulterior motive, she just wanted to help me. I wasn't sure how much of that feeling was genuine guilt and how much, if any, was being imposed by her empathic power. Before it could erode my self control entirely I had to change what I believed to fit what I wanted to tell ponies.

Okay. If this was a different universe to the one my human memories came from, then those memories weren't real. They didn't happen to me. They weren't relevant if someone asked me about myself or things that happened to me. My human name wasn't my name, it was the name of the person who experienced those memories, if they existed at all. Ponies were born, they didn't pop into existence fully formed in the middle of nowhere so I must have a past here that I couldn't remember.

This was my truth now. Any doubts I had were just doubts. This was the truth. It was logical, it fit all the facts, I wanted it to be true, it was true.

"I can't remember anything," I explained, "I know a bunch of stuff, but I think most of it is just imaginary. Some of it is real, I know who you are, Fluttershy, element of Kindness, and who Princess Luna is, but when I try to remember my real life there's nothing. It's like I just popped into existence yesterday. That's not something that can happen, right?"

Fluttershy leaned forward and nuzzled me. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief as the pressure of her will lifted.

"Oh you poor thing," she soothed, "You're being very brave."

A sense of elation ran through my body as her praise washed over me and I wanted to curl up in her embrace again and have her stay with me forever. Was that an instinct of this body, or more evidence of her power?

I sighed. It couldn't last. This was a dream. My real body wasn't curled up in Fluttershy's motherly embrace, it was laying on the cold ground, alone and vulnerable.

I turned back to Luna who was watching us with an unreadable expression. I couldn't sense any emotion from her.

"What's the plan?" I asked.

”This river looks to be about one stride across in the dream. Is that correct in reality?” Luna queried.

”One of your strides maybe.” I tried to remember how the river looked in the waking world, “It looks a lot bigger to me.”

"When you wake, you will stay where you are," she instructed, "We will begin a search of the forests surrounding towns and villages with a focus on those with rivers within a day's travel for a filly. To narrow the search further we will investigate reports of recent missing fillies which match your description."

That made sense. It made a lot of sense actually. Assuming I was a filly who wandered into the forest with no supplies I couldn't have gone far. Unless of course I had spontaneously popped into existence in a random place.

I couldn't bring up that fear though. Not without sounding crazy.

"Alright,” I agreed, "How long can I survive without food before I suffer permanent injury?"

Luna looked somewhat taken aback at the bluntness, or perhaps the wording of my question.

"What time of year is it?" I continued, "How cold will it get at night, how likely is a storm? I have no shelter or cold weather gear. What about monsters?"

Luna held up a hoof to silence me.

"Those are all excellent reasons why a filly should not wander into the forest alone," she replied, "but there is little that can be done now save for a swift rescue. Stay where you are. Wave if you see somepony flying overhead.”

“You can see my dreams, right?" I countered, "If I can show you some landmarks you could use them to narrow the search area."

"Do you recall any landmarks?" She asked.

From her tone it was clear that she still didn't fully believe my amnesia story. On this point however I was being completely honest.

"No," I sighed, "the forest is too dense to see anything large enough to appear on a map, but if I can get to higher ground-"

"Nay, your wandering has caused enough trouble." She chided, "You will stay where you are, next to the river and await your rescuers. Moving further will only hinder their efforts."

Her plan was probably the best idea. Assuming I was actually near a town and was going to be located in the next twenty four hours. I wasn't so sure, but I didn't want to argue with Luna. Aggravating my only lifeline didn't seem like a great idea.

"Okay," I conceded, "I'll stay put."

Luna visibly relaxed at that.

"Alright, secondary issue," I continued, "I can't remember how to use magic, can you, I dunno, explain it, or unlock my hidden potential or something?"

"Magic is not something you can forget young one." Luna explained, "Spells can be learned, but magic must be trained. You could no more forget your magic than you could forget to breathe."

I tried to make sense of what was obviously an oversimplified explanation meant for a child. Was magic like a muscle? Or a reflex that could be trained but not learned?

"Alright, bad assumption," I admitted, "Here's the situation. I can't remember anything before today, so I don't know if I've ever been able to do magic, or what using magic feels like, but currently I am either physically or psychologically unable to even get my horn to glow."

"If you are unable to express your magic you may simply be too young." Luna explained, "There are no shortcuts, gaining control of your magic will take patience and practice."

Well, there went my plan to start a fire magically.

"Understood." I stepped away from Fluttershy and bowed to the Princess again, "Thank you for your time."

Standing between the larger pegasus and the much larger alicorn I felt very small and vulnerable. I didn't like it. Fluttershy was still looking at me with great pity but I wasn't sure why.

I had been tall as a human. Tall enough that it was unusual to meet someone significantly taller. Having to look up to someone, aside from my giant of a father, always gave me an irrational sense of unease.


When I awoke I felt far better than I had any right to. I most likely had Luna's dream magic to thank for feeling refreshed and well rested. For the lack of aches and pains from sleeping on the cold hard ground I suppose I could thank the magic of youth. Or perhaps just the magic of being a magical talking pony.

One thing was for sure though, I wasn’t going to sit back and wait for rescue. If I really was in the middle of nowhere I would need to find a way to prove it to Luna without sounding crazy. Grumbling again at my new lack of physical fitness I looked upstream. Climbing was not going to be fun.

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