• Published 16th Oct 2019
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Trust Once Lost - Greenhorne



When I agreed to be sent to Equestria I didn't read the fine print. I'm the wrong age, the wrong gender, and lost in the wilderness.

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I'm Not Locked in Here With You...

With a straw in the glass of water, I no longer had to pick it up to drink from it. Unfortunately, the glass was empty. Fortunately, I had a jug of water to fill the glass with. Unfortunately, I couldn't pick up the jug to pour it into the glass.

I had a plan though. If I put the straw into the jug, I could just drink straight from it and not have to worry about calling the nurse to fill the glass. Clever, right?

I had neglected to check the length of the straw. When I placed the straw in the jug, it fell completely inside. I didn't have any hands to fish it out with so I had to use my mouth. Being new to this body I wasn't used to its proportions. As it turned out, my muzzle just happened to be the same width as the jug, so, of course, it got stuck.

This didn't worry me too much until I noticed that my nose was in the jug. And my mouth.

I can't breathe! I realized. Okay, don't panic. Remember SCUBA training. Relax. Don't inhale water. You have time. Work the problem.

I was standing on the bed, leaning over the bedside table to drink from the jug. I shifted my weight onto my injured leg and tried to pull the jug off my face, but my hoof couldn't get a grip on the smooth surface. I had already lifted my face up so the jug was just hanging there in defiance of gravity. My lungs were starting to burn. How was it so stuck? Oh, right. Suction. Trying to remove my muzzle was creating a partial vacuum in the jug so all I had to do was introduce more air... all I had to do was exhale and-

There was a knock at the door and I quickly turned to face them, embarrassed that they had caught me in such a compromising position. With this sudden motion the jug flew off my face sailing across the room and towards the purple pony who had just walked into the room. The jug didn't shatter, thankfully, but when it hit the floor, it splashed water all over my new guest. My face burned red.

"Sorry," I managed to force out as I panted for breath. "I, uh... sorry."

They make guys wear the nurse hat.

The era of nurses wearing hats and skirts on Earth was well before my time, and if I had to guess, also before the time they allowed men to be nurses. It had never occurred to me that in Equestria they might have stallions wearing the same uniform. I'd never tell him this, but to me, it looked rather silly, and he looked rather out of place.

Of course, his looking out of place may also have had to do with the trainee badge on his hat and his body language, which screamed: "I AM NEW HERE AND TERRIFIED OF GETTING IN ANYPONY'S WAY!" Perhaps with a tinge of "Please stop throwing things at me."

The nurse hats here were multifunctional. Since it was the only item of clothing they wore it held their ID badge, a fob watch, and if Redheart's ability to pull whatever item she needed out from under it was anything to go by, the inside was a bag of holding.

Either that or she was just really good at predicting what she might need and keeping it under her hat. Misunderstandings aside I could tell Redheart really knew what she was doing.

This trainee nurse though? My human mind identified him as a frightened puppy and I had the urge to scoop him up off the floor and give him a big hug while I scratched him behind his nervously flicking ears. The inappropriateness of treating another sapient being like a dog aside it would never have worked for the simple reason that he was at least twice my height; that and I didn't have any fingers to scratch his ears so really the whole thing was a wash.

The young stallion looked at me and straightened up.

"Good morning," He said. "I'm Amethyst Swirl and I'll be helping the nurses look after you today."

"Good morning," I replied.

He stood there awkwardly.

"Did you forget what you were supposed to be doing?" I asked gently. "Or were you just introducing yourself?"

"Oh," He said. "No, I'm going to be staying with you today."

All right, that didn't track. You don't give patients personal nurses without a good reason.

"Why's that?" I asked suspiciously.

"You're a special little filly and they want me to keep an eye on you to make sure you're safe," He responded.

"Special, as in you think I'm dying?" I queried. "Or special that you think I'm going to jump out the window?"

He took a nervous step forward, "You were going to jump out the window?"

"No Amy," I sighed. "I'm not going to jump out the window. I'm not suicidal and, even if I was, a first-floor window isn't high enough. Do you mind if I call you Amy?"

"No," He replied. "I mean, that's good, I mean-"

"Just put your saddlebags down and pull up a chair," I cut him off. "I hope you brought a book, otherwise this will be very boring."

"Oh, did you want me to read you a story?" He asked. "Sorry, I didn't know I would be looking after you today so all I have is my nursing textbooks."

"Oh, that's right," He brightened up. "They told me you wanted to be a nurse too."

"I don't remember saying that, so I guess I'll take your word for it," I replied.

Should I just tell them the truth? The longer I spend hiding it the harder it was going to be.

Yeah, tell the nurse who's looking for signs you're crazy that you're actually a different age, gender, and species, I'm sure that will go great!

Well, a different strategy then. Maybe I could get more information about what they really thought of me.

I was well trained to develop a rapport with new people. For most people all it takes is to have a reason to speak to them and then treat them like you're already good friends; keep your body language open and genuine, listen reflectively so they feel heard and remember little things they tell you, like how they take their coffee, what they/their children do for work. If the patient is hesitant and unsure, take charge of the situation so they know they can depend on you to have things under control. If the patient is confident and wants to take control, make sure they know that they are ultimately in charge of their care and you're just there to assist them.

It sounds manipulative when you break it down like that, but it works much better than just winging it and hoping your personalities are compatible. Amy had clearly been trained in a similar way, but didn't yet have the experience to make it feel natural. Which meant if I acted confident and like I knew what I was talking about, he would go along with it.

He tried to make conversation for a while, but when the majority of my answers were 'I can't remember' it kinda killed the conversation. We talked for a while about what it was like for him to work at the hospital. In Equestria, it seemed, Nursing was still more of a vocation than a profession. The training did not require a university degree and instead relied on hospital based trainee programs more similar to an apprenticeship.

I didn't get much gossip out of him about his colleagues (and fair enough since I was a patient), but I did learn that Redheart was one of the more senior nurses and some of the other trainees were afraid to have her as a mentor (Amy insists that he's not). Redheart had a reputation for always knowing exactly what to do, insisting on high standards and for seeing through any BS her trainees tried to tell her. If you didn't know something upside down and back to front, she could tell immediately, and she'd make you admit it, and then help you practice it. He was careful to throw in a few "But she's really nice though," and "She's just really good at everything and wants to help us be our best," whenever he was skirting too close to speaking ill of her.

That was all interesting, but it wasn't the information I really needed.

"I actually have a lot of trouble remembering what happened in the last couple of days," I said dejectedly. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Redheart seemed to see right through me, but this guy seemed a lot less sure of himself. If I acted confident, like I knew what was going on it should be easy enough to convince him to go along with me.

"Well, you were found in the forest sick and with a broken leg," He explained. "But they fixed you up and now here you are."

"I mean more specifically," I clarified. "Like things I might have said or done while I was in hospital."

"Oh, well I'm not sure about that." He said.

"It must be written down, right?" I pushed him, "In my patient notes?"

"I haven't had a chance to read them yet." He admitted.

"Oh," I said, pouting slightly as I looked down at the floor. This was the critical point in the conversation. I considered my next line.

'Can I look at them?' No, that implied that maybe I wasn't supposed to look at them (which as a patient I totally wasn't), I had to phrase it in a way that made it seem like a totally normal thing, something which he should know.

After giving him a moment to feel sorry for me I brightened up.

"We should read them together," I smiled. "It might help jog my memory."

He looked uncertain. "I'm not sure if I'm supposed to show them to you."

"Why not?" I asked. "The only patient information in them is mine, right? So it's fine for me to read it, you just can't show it to anypony else."

That was a bald-faced lie. Just because it wasn't technically illegal to show patients their own notes didn't mean he was allowed to show them to me.

"You might not understand all the words," He warned. "They use a lot of medical words and acronyms."

"Well, it's a good thing you're here then," I smiled again. "You can help me with the big words."

I tried really, really hard to keep a condescending tone out of my voice, and failed utterly. He didn't seem to have picked up on it though.

He smiled and did as I asked, bringing my patient notes into the room.

When he opened the folder to the current page, I quickly scanned what was written there. It looked like I really had been delirious if I was going around pretending to be a nurse. Unfortunately, that would make it much more difficult for them to believe the truth when I told them. Without hard physical proof, it was going to be very difficult, if not impossible to convince them that I was actually an alien without ending up in a psych ward.

I still needed to read the first page.

"Let's start from the beginning," I prompted, as far as he knew I had just been staring uncomprehendingly at the page.

He turned back to the first page of the notes and what I saw made my face pale; I don't think he noticed under my green coat though.

12/5/04 23:45

Patient received in post op recovery at 2330 following Managuided Closed-Field Relocation and Internal Fixation of RFL #.

All obs in normal range.

Shivering ++ but normothermic.

RFL plaster cast in situ.

Patient rousable by voice, confusion and disorientation apparent. Patient reoriented.

Patient states that she remembers a "guy" telling her that he was going to "make me a mare" before being left alone in the forest. See hospital internal incident report #1357032 and interagency mandatory reporting tool report #F3479-432 for followup.

Nil pain or distress noted. Patient is resting comfortably ATOR.

Goodcheer, RN PACU

Now it all made sense why Redheart had been so certain that I was covering up some kind of trauma, I'd as much as straight-up told them!

Dammit!

"Okay, so this first part is talking about your condition when you first came into emergency," Amy explained, "I might have to look up some of these abbreviations but-"

"Amethyst," Nurse Redheart called from the doorway, her face set in stone. "I need to speak with you for a moment, and bring the notes."

Her tone was friendly enough, but I winced, knowing she was about to chew him out for showing me the notes. I felt bad about taking advantage of him, hopefully he wouldn't get in too much trouble.

They spoke outside my door, whispering as if I wouldn't be able to hear them.

"Amethyst, you know you can't show the patient notes to other ponies-"

"But they're her patient notes, so there's no breach of confidentiality, it's just other ponies who can't look at them."

"What? Who told you that?"

"Uh... well, she did actually."

"And you listened to her?" Redheart gave a frustrated huff. "Even if she wasn't just trying to trick you, and she was, what made you think she had any idea what she's talking about? She's a nine-year-old filly!"

I couldn't see Amy's face but I knew he'd be hurt.

"This is my fault, I should have prepared you better," Redheart sighed. "When I said Green was special I didn't mean she was slow, or that she was crazy. She's actually rather clever, she picks things up very quickly and her vocabulary is way above her apparent age. Somepony really hurt her; and I don't mean her leg."

"The reason foals are so vulnerable and need our protection isn't just because they're weak, it's because they're trusting," Redheart explained, I could tell she'd given this speech before. "They can't always understand why you might want them to do something, and they can't critically evaluate whether what an adult tells them is true. They just take it on faith because they trust that you know and want what's best for them. Somepony has taken advantage of this foal's trust, and whatever she's been through has completely destroyed her trust in other ponies."

"I don't understand," said Amethyst. "Why would she be trying to trick me?"

"She wanted to know what she told us while she was delirious so she can keep up a consistent narrative," Redheart explained. "She probably thinks that if we can identify her we'll send her back, or maybe that she'll be punished for telling us what happened."

"Oh Celestia," Amethyst gasped. "She thinks we'd do that?"

All right, this had gone far enough. I stepped down off the bed intending to walk up to them, but the sound of my cast striking the floor was enough to get their attention. They both looked into the room and Amethyst made quick strides to stand next to me ready to catch me if I fell.

"Don't be mad at Amy," I begged. "It was my fault. I saw that he was new, and I took advantage of him. Sorry about that by the way, I was hoping we'd get away with it."

"How much did you hear?"

"Everything, and you're wrong," I stated. "I trust that both of you will do exactly what you think is best for me."

"That's great!"

"What if you don't see things the same way I do?" I questioned. "What if you decide something for me and I disagree?"

"We're not going to force you to do anything Green."

"That's crap and you know it," I retorted. "I'm a child, you have a duty of care. If I was going to do something dangerous you'd have to stop me, and if you thought I needed to do something for my own good, you'd force me to do it."

"Yes Green, if you were running around with scissors I'd have to stop you, I hardly think that makes me Sombra."

"What if I wanted to discharge myself against medical advice, could I do that?"

"Your guardian would-"

"I don't have a guardian and if I did, then it would be their decision, not mine."

"Is it really so terrible here Green? Is it so bad to have other ponies care for you? Or is there somewhere else you need to be?"

"No, no, it's fine, you guys are great, really. It's just, I don't want to be stuck here forever."

"Is that what you're afraid of? This isn't a prison Green, we just have to get you well so you can go h-" She faltered. "So you can get on with your life."

"What if when I tell you the truth you think I'm crazy and you never let me go?"

"Have you been in a mental hospital before? Did somepony you know, have to stay there?"

"No."

"You mean you don't remember."

I groaned. "You know what I mean."

"Green..."

"If I tell you the truth, you'll either think I'm lying or that I'm crazy. Neither of those are great outcomes for me."

"Or maybe we believe you and can help you. If you always expect the worst possible outcome, you're going to be miserable. I promise no matter what you tell me I'll keep an open mind."

"So if I started telling you about how I wasn't a pony, I was actually an alien from another dimension, you'd stand there and think 'Oh gee maybe he really is an interdimensional alien' and you wouldn't just be smiling and nodding while you thought about what part of that you wanted to quote when you were referring me for a psych evaluation?"

"Green, please take this seriously. You don't really think you're an alien, do you?"

"Of course not, that would be crazy," I sighed. "I was just trying to prove a point."

"What are you trying to prove?"

"That there are limits to your credulity, you will do whatever you think is right, regardless of what I want, and the only way I can keep ponies from making decisions for me is to not give them the information they need to make those decisions."

"All right, fine," Redheart nodded. "I already told you you don't have to tell me anything until you're ready, just please don't lie to me, if you don't want to tell me something just say so."

"I think I can do that."

"Ok, so why are you so afraid that you're going to be put in a psych ward?"

"You've already assigned someone to sit with me all day like I'm on suicide watch or something."

"W-what?" Stammered Amy.

"Oh sweetie, Amethyst is only here because you need a lot of help and I have other patients to take care of," Redheart explained. "You're not thinking about hurting yourself are you?"

"No."

"Then why would we put you on 'suicide watch'?"

She was testing me. Trying to get me to trap myself with my own words.

Either that or I was overreacting and assuming the worst about her intentions.

"Well, uh, remember earlier when I put my hoof to my face, and you thought I was trying to hurt myself?" I said carefully.

"You hit yourself in the face so hard it made you cry."

"Well, I didn't mean to do it that hard."

"Obviously."

"Huh?"

"I believe you. I don't think you were consciously trying to injure yourself, I think you have an involuntary tic. Each time you did it, it was the exact same motion, triggered by you feeling embarrassed about something, and you didn't even seem to realize you were doing it."

That was... actually closer to the truth than I expected.

"Then why did you ask me all those questions about if I wanted to hurt myself?"

"Because it's my job, Green."

"Actually, when I came in, Green was talking about jumping out the window," Amethyst chipped in. "She said it wasn't high enough for her to commit suicide.”

"That was a joke, Amy," I glared

"Well, it wasn't funny."

"All I said was that even if I was suicidal you didn't have to worry about me jumping out the window because the first floor isn't high enough."

Redheart had to quickly suppress a smile, clearly her sense of humor was darker than Amethyst's.

"I'm not going to scold you for telling a joke, but please try not to traumatize my trainees." Redheart pleaded. "I know that adults sometimes use that kind of humor, but part of being an adult is learning when a joke is appropriate to tell."

I had a snarky comeback but Redheart had practically teleported out of the room, which was doubly impressive since she was an earth pony. Clearly we had taken up too much of her time.

"You two try not to kill each other, okay?" She called out before disappearing into the chaotic maelstrom that was a hospital corridor in the early morning.

I looked at Amy.

"All right, so since you don't understand sarcasm." I spoke slowly, as if explaining something to a particularly slow child. "When she told us not to kill each other, she was joking. It's funny because the idea that we would murder one another is unexpected enough to be comically absurd."

"Celestia grant me patience." Amethyst groaned and put a fetlock over his eyes.

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