I felt acid in the pit of my stomach. Why did I say that? Everything had been going so well and now I just had to ruin it.
“Yer not a girl?” Applejack repeated.
“I know I’m a girl right now,” I said, “But I wasn’t before I came here. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want ponies to treat me differently.”
With my eyes closed I’d almost forgotten that Mirror Image was still in the room with us.
“And how would you like to be treated?” He asked.
“I don’t know!”
“Sweetpea it don’t matter none,” Applejack said, “Yer a filly now ‘an we have ta take things as they are.”
I sighed.
“Back on Earth I had a friend who was... born the wrong gender,” I explained, “And it caused a lot of problems for them.”
“Is that how you feel right now,” asked Mirror, “That you’re the ‘wrong’ gender?”
“I’m not sure.” I said, “It’s not all the time, it’s just sometimes, I get these moments of dysphoria.”
“Hmm,” said Mirror Image, “Can you describe to me what that’s like?”
“Well, sometimes when ponies refer to me as a girl, or when I see myself in a mirror I’m just overcome with this sense of wrongness, it’s like... not disgust, there’s nothing wrong with being a girl I just - feel like I’m not supposed to be.”
Mirror Image nodded understandingly. "That's a pretty common description for gender dysphoria. It's a disconnect between the gender you feel internally and the gender you were assigned at birth, or in this case, when you came here."
"I don't get it," Applejack confessed, "Is this like, a magic thing?"
"No, Applejack," Mirror responded, "This is something that happens in many species, even in ponies. It’s not about magic, it’s about identity. When your physical appearance doesn’t match your internal sense of your gender, it can cause a lot of distress. How would you like us to refer to you, Green?"
"I don't get it!" I said, "Why do I feel like this? I became a whole different species, why does it feel like gender is more serious than all of that?"
Mirror looked thoughtful for a moment before replying, "I think it's because species often isn't a part of our core identity the way that gender is. We don't think of ourselves as a pony in the same way that we think of ourselves as male or female. Species is a biological fact, but gender is deeply tied to our sense of self. The change from one species to another can be seen as something external, something that happened to you, but gender is something that comes from within. It's part of your internal landscape, not the external one."
"I guess that makes sense."
"Still though, how would you like me to refer to you? I don't want to make you uncomfortable." Said Mirror.
The answer should have been obvious, and yet...
"I don't know."
"Well, you've said that female pronouns make you uncomfortable, would you like me to refer to you as he/him?"
"Maybe?" I replied, my voice small. It felt awkward and strange. "I mean, I was he/him before I came here, but... I don't know if that's right either. I guess you can try it. But it's going to be weird."
Mirror nodded, understanding the uncertainty in my voice. "Alright, Green, how does this feel? He is sitting across from me, trying to find his identity."
Hearing Mirror use male pronouns to refer to me was like a jarring note in a song, something out of place and I instinctively recoiled.
"No." I said quickly, shaking my head. "No, that doesn't feel right either. What's wrong with me? I used to be male!"
"It's okay, Green," Mirror Image said gently, "We'll figure it out. I'm sorry if that felt wrong."
"No, it's not you," I said, "It's not even that I don't like it, it's just... I don't know. I've never had to consider this before. I'm not used to it. It's weird."
"How about they/them?” Mirror Asked.
“We can try it.”
"Of course," Mirror Image responded, warmly. "They're sitting across from me, trying to understand their identity."
It didn't feel as jarring. It wasn't perfect, but it felt less wrong than the other options. I wasn't sure if that was a sign of something, or if I was just too tired and overwhelmed to really feel anything at the moment.
"That's... better," I said after a moment, my voice still uncertain. "But if I have to ask everypony I meet to use different pronouns for me it just feels... awkward. It feels like a lot of effort. If it's not important enough to me to make that effort... what if that means I'm not really trans and I'm just forcing myself to feel the way I think I should?"
"I don’t think you are transgender," Said Mirror, "At least not in the traditional sense."
I tilted my head.
Mirror Image continued, "It's clear that you're experiencing some form of gender dysphoria, but your situation is unique in that your physical transition happened quite literally overnight, and without your direct intent or control. Most ponies who experience gender dysphoria have struggled with it for years before deciding to take action to transition, and it’s a slow process. You've spent so long being one thing, and suddenly you're being asked to accept yourself as something completely different. Though there are similarities, it's fundamentally a different experience."
"That makes sense," I said, "But it doesn't explain why I'm having trouble accepting myself as male."
"There's a difference between 'accepting' and 'identifying,' Green." Mirror explained, "You can accept that you were male in your previous life, but that doesn't mean you ‘should’ feel comfortable identifying as male now. ‘Should’ implies there’s a right or wrong way to feel about this, and there’s not.”
The distinction between acceptance and identification was something I hadn’t considered. It made sense though.
“Don’t feel that you have to snap to one or the other," Mirror Image cautioned, "This is a journey. It's okay to take your time to figure out what feels right for you. It’s completely valid to feel uncomfortable with both he and she pronouns, and to prefer they/them instead. You’re certainly not the first pony to feel that way.”
“I’ll have to think about it.”
Mirror Image nodded, seeming to understand the weight of the conversation. He took a moment to compose his thoughts before speaking, his voice calm and reassuring, "Green, I'd like to ask you about something more specific. You mentioned feeling a sense of 'wrongness' when you see yourself. Are there any particular parts of your body that you feel dysphoric about?"
I swallowed hard, my heart pounding in my chest. I hesitated, unsure if I wanted to voice these thoughts out loud. It felt incredibly personal and embarrassing to talk about, but at the same time, I knew that if I didn't say it now, I would just keep pushing it aside, keep pretending it wasn't there until it was too late to ignore.
"Umm..." I began. "I guess... I guess it's mostly my, you know, my-"
You’re a nurse damnit, use the proper terms.
“My vagina,” I tried not to wince, “And just, reproductive organs in general.”
Mirror gave me a supportive nod, "I can see how that would be difficult."
"It's not just that," I said, "I've been doing some reading about what's supposed to happen when a pony gets older. When a filly reaches... puberty and I just... I don't think I want that to happen to me. I don't want to... I don't want to change like that."
"It's completely understandable that you're feeling apprehensive about those changes," Mirror said, "Especially given the suddenness of your transformation and your current struggle with your gender identity. This is all a lot to take in and it's okay to be unsure or scared. Do you think you would feel more comfortable if those changes didn't occur?"
I considered his question, chewing my lip nervously. The idea of those changes happening to my body filled me with a sense of dread, but at the same time, I couldn’t just stay like this indefinitely. "I don't know," I admitted, "I don't want to stay a child forever, but I also don't want to... you know..."
"Go through female puberty," Mirror finished for me.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Estrus.” I said. “What can you tell me about it? My species didn't have that.”
Applejack had her hoof on my back and I could feel her tense in surprise.
“Estrus is the time of year mares can choose to conceive foals.” Dr Image explained.
“It’s a choice then.” I released a breath.
“Of course. The idea that estrus would force a mare to be promiscuous is a hurtful stereotype.” Said Dr Image, “Though it’s not something you have to consider for several years in any case. How does that make you feel?”
“Relieved... but I still feel like I'm stuck," I admitted, "I'm not comfortable being female but I'm also not comfortable being male. I think I’m okay with being a pony I just... I don't know what I want to be."
"That's why we're here, Green," Mirror said softly, "To help you figure it out. Remember, you don't have to rush. This is a journey, and it's perfectly okay to take your time."
I sighed deeply and laid my head down on the couch. I felt a lot less anxious, and a lot more tired.
“Thanks for talking to me.” I said, trying not to yawn, “I-”
The yawn came out. “I think this was helpful.”
I closed my eyes.
“Ah think ya talked er-em right ta sleep.” Applejack joked.
She slipped up on the pronoun but I could appreciate the effort.
“Hey,” I couldn’t help but smile, “I’m just resting my eyes.”
After Applejack and Mirror said their goodbyes I stumbled my way over to the wheelchair and pulled myself into it. The seat of the adult-sized chair was just large enough for me to lie down on if I curled up. It took a little wriggling to get into a comfortable position with my cast, but once I did I quickly fell asleep.