• Member Since 14th Jan, 2012
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Experience is the name we give our mistakes.


Princess Big Macintosh saves Equestria.

This comes as a surprise to Princess Celestia, who wasn't aware Equestria needed saving, actually.

A less-than-imposing sovereign.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 62 )

For Ghost of Heraclitus: An alternative ending

The rest of the bucket followed shortly after. Luna stood above Celestia, wild-eyed, panting furiously, managing to make even her fluffy pink slippers look haggard.

"Tia!" She cried in relief.

"Same nightmare again," Celestia smacked her lips together as she lifted herself off her eminently soggy pillow, shaking the ice cubes out of her mane.

"I tried to wake you but you were... persistent," Luna apologized profusely, dropping the bucket to the floor and kicking it to a corner of the room where it could do no further harm, "While I’m flattered you still go to me in your dreams for counsel, it makes it that much harder to assist you with magic. More mundane means seemed to do the trick.” A chunk of ice rolled down the back of Celestia’s neck, awfully enough. “You know what caused it, yes?"

Celestia's poker face was much better in the waking world. Unfortunately, in the waking world, her sister was also much better at seeing through it. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

Luna ripped the covers off the bed. Underneath the blanket was a lazily capped pen and a sheet of papers for, yes, the new legislature for adjusted tax brackets for lottery winners with conditions given to late teenagers for holding the money in escrow accounts with a rider for cleaner waters in catfish estuaries.

"It was some light reading," Celestia lied, "it helps me sleep."

Luna didn't even reply to that. Just raised her eyebrow. Now she knew where her idea of Macintosh's raise came from.

That was the problem with being so long-lived, Celestia bit the inside of her cheek. Your nightmares had a lot more to draw from the subconscious, because she had simply collected so much of it over the years.

"That you had also taken the budgetary reports for small town libraries and stationary warehousing to bed with you the last time this happened...?"

"Purely coincidence. Nothing more."

"And three days prior, with the district rezoning for school districts in inner urban areas...?"

"The work needs to get done, and there just aren't enough hours in the day, Lulu."

"Yes, and whose fault is that?"

Celestia frowned, her soggy hair doing its best to dry itself with its own inner heat, the waviness fighting desperately to lift against three ice cubes and about an absorbed liter of spring water.

She always did this whenever the Grand Galloping Gala was coming up, dreadful thing. Dreadful ponies with too-firm handshakes trying to apply the techniques of a sociopathic business seminar from three decades ago. The idea of the Princess they wanted her to be, thought her to be...

Celestia’s nightmares weren’t anything so simple as gnashing teeth or bottomless pits. No, they had to be an ingenious torture device constructed by the one mind that knew her best.

“Thank you,” she said to Luna sincerely.

Luna muttered to herself. “Yes, well,” she added, picking up another bucket, “I’m afraid I must rather be off, then. I’m needed elsewhere.”

A lock of dripping hair danced like cooked spaghetti in front of Celestia’s right eye. Attempting to blow it out of her face just resulted in a weak raspberry, and another strand falling over her left eye. “Twilight having the book burning dream again?”

“No, actually,” Luna remarked, her horn starting to glow with a charging teleport, "It’s Macintosh. He's having a strange nightmare where you're an idiot and he has to fix Equestria. He's up to the part where he has to give a big speech, but he only knows two words for some reason."

Special thanks to Aragon.

You've been stealing my style for so long, I thought maybe turnabout was fair play.

I have now learned why you were stealing from me and not the other way around, Jesus Christ.

8035784 And no credit for me? I'm hurt, really. Here I was the tie-breaker vote and everything.:twilightsmile:

Oh my that was excellent!

Beautifully daft. Well done. :twilightsmile:


Was gonna say -- this is a story by MrNumbers, in the style of Aragon.

If that is good or bad... Well, that not for me to decide, I suppose.

Comment posted by ReturnoftheMac deleted Jun 4th, 2017

The thing about immortality is that if you don't try to keep some novelty going, you have a tendency to stagnate. And when you're in charge of an entire country... :fluttershyouch: Yeah, that doesn't end well. Not until some titan of charisma and also physical size steps in to fill the gap.

(Also, that alternate ending really ties it all together.)

Call it a cup of dirt if you must, but I still greatly enjoyed it. Thank you, and best of luck in the judging.

but so can any ten unicorns with a stick of chalk and a knowledge of calculus.”

...and 4cc of mouse blood.

Could use some editing, but quite a funny little piece.

All hail the Apple Princess!

Pretty good read.

My only complaint, is that the story and its premise went on for far too long. It even repeats some of the exact same comedic beats in disjointed sections of the story. The funding of the arts bit is one, for example. I got about 3/4 of the way through before just skimming to the end. Some tighter editing could really make the difference.

Still, rather enjoyable overall.

Well, now we know what Blueblood would be as an alicorn (ex) princess.

Wonderful story, Celestia's character was enjoyable and following her last moments of fleeting power was interesting to say the least. Honestly this explains quite a lot anachronistic elements of Equestria. Unsure which ending I prefer the farm or the dream but I think farm fits better.

Now with that being said I am afraid your are being charged for treason against her Royal Majesty Princess Celestia. It really was great story, truly! And we do hope you'll continue writing hopefully more regime friendly literature, You'll have a lot of free time very soon.

This is a really exceptional cup-o-dirt. Grade A soil here. Good stuff. :yay:

cute story, I like the dream ending best, though

“So, yes, you’re not our last line of defense. You’re the first.” A pause. “In the same way carriages have crumple zones, I would add.”

Princess Celestia is Equestrian's crumple zone ... New headcanon accepted.

The slow buildup of greater and greater silliness worked beautifully. I have to agree with 8036760, this could have been a bit tighter, but overall it was great fun.

Terriblestia is the bestia. :trollestia:

Princess Big Mac is best Princess.

Holy crap this is legitimately hilarious ! Instafave !
Luna debating on Celestia's dismissal was the best

The Apple family farm was quaint. Well, the definition of ‘quaint’ is ‘attractively old fashioned’, and Celestia was both older and more fashionable, so really it was more picturesque than quaint.

Picturesque meant - he decided after careful observation of the scenery that inspired Twoflower to use the word - that the landscape was horribly precipitous. Quaint, when used to describe the occasional village through which they passed, meant fever-ridden and tumbledown.

I'm crying because I wasn't there to hear Big Macintosh's Cosmic Eeyup of Profoundness

It's like the universe revealed itself to me for but a short moment, before hiding again behind the curtains of reality

I don't know what to think of this story I read it on a whim and expected humor and while I got parody ad possible satire I can't say I laughed. I won't up or downvote this because I don't have strong enough feelings for either.

I did prefer this alternate ending here though, even if it was an "all just a dream" ending

You know this works so well, considering how ineffectual that Celestia has become without the Elements of Harmony. Not only that, but we've never really seen or heard of Celestia really taking an active hoof in government. At all.

Plus it's not as if Celestia even does a great job of sending others to do her work for her. "Oh go in this mirror portal to some place where I will tell you NOTHING about, but claim I know SOMETHING about. I won't even tell you that there is ZERO magic, or the inhabitants walk on 2 legs, rather than 4".
"Oh you should all just go remove a dragon. By yourselves. Without the Elements or guards."

Imagine, ponies who’ll never get to know what he said.

:moustache: I see what you did there.

Beautiful alternate ending indeed


Well, if they can't read history they won't know which princess does all the officiating and they won't have anyone to officiate over weddings with steamboats and sinks and such.

Okay, that was majestically silly.

That was quaint and enjoyable, the perfect mealtime read. Well done, author, a like and fave for you! :twilightsmile:

8035781 That was genius. This was awesome and silly humor that put a smile on my face. Thanks for writing it, it was a fun read.

that’d be a tragedy, wouldn’t it? Imagine, ponies who’ll never get to know what he said.

.......I hate you :ajbemused:

She crossedthe throne room in easy steps.

crossed the


delete extra ."

“Macintosh,” she stated coldlt.


Check Two: Maybe too prissy. It was the knowledge that she was at least partially responsible for Prince Blueblood that made Celestia stop and think maybe Macintosh might have had a point.

Move down a line.

Technically an immortal diarchy (triarchy? monarchy?) is better than a democracy. Mortals have a nasty tendency of screwing over everyone for the chance to gain a leg up on everyone else. And it's usually the rich, corrupt, and /or genuinely awful mortals who end up in power (if you're lucky to not end up with the horrendously stupid), or whose major constituents are rich, corrupt, and/or genuinely awful mortals.

So yeah, democracy / communism / socialism / all forms of mortal governance. Is simply a horrible choice. When you have immortals at the helm.

Other than that, this was a funny little fic. With extra amusement towards how out of touch Celestia was in this ^_^.

(Yay, more MrNumbers)
Corrections offered without malice.

shaking ponies hooves,


an alicorns’


she stated coldlt.


“T’is a pity.


tell you that much” She



Maud (many times)

the new season of the bachelor

The Bachelor, if you're talking about a television programme or the like.

prove she weren’t a Princess.

…or are you aiming to use the subjunctive here? I'm not seeing an appropriate preposition.

the new legislature for adjusted tax brackets


This was amazingly entertaining, and I'm going to poke through your other stories when I get some free time.

If you want a speech on autocracy from someone who never speaks, go find Charlie Chaplin's speech in The Great Dictator.

It is as moving as MrNumbers has built up Mac's speech.
(I somewhat expect this reference was intentional.)


EDIT: Also, cheers for the corrections earlier, fix'd

Why do I feel sad for Celestia?

Enjoyed the story. Though I'm still wondering how Big Mac was able to get into power in the first place. You mentioned Starswirl's spell, but that changed cutie marks. Maybe I'm missing something.



He asked everyone-but-Celestia nicely. Also, Luna helped. Also, it was all dream logic, depending on whether or not you subscribe to the alternative ending.


Just saw the alternate ending. :rainbowlaugh: High-five. Uh, fist bump. Uh, how about a nice digital thumbs up?


Author Interviewer

The more I read this, the less I enjoyed it. :/ I just don't see why this is funny.

Author Interviewer

8078611 It's okay. I'll be here until your sense of humor is back, saying soothing things. ;-;

This fanfic is well-written overall. Not only does it have your trademark wit, it also points out Celestia's mistakes and flaws without going too far to bash her, at least in my opinion. Most of her failures are in security and national defense, and she probably does rely too much on Twilight and her friends and little brother to handle that side of things.

I actually prefer the “it was all just a dream” ending, though. I usually don't like that kind of ending, but in this case it explains the absurdity.

I don't want to get too political, but I will say that McIntosh's policy of an income cap tied to the lowest earnings would meet a great deal of resistance from the nobility and business owners. Filthy Rich would see it as a betrayal. The entrepreneurs would likely advocate to reinstate Celestia, or at least return to the policies that benefit them most. Come to think of it, the story might have been more funny and biting if all the shady “swindler” characters supported Princess Celestia (e.g. Flim and Flam, Svengallop, Suri Polomare, etc.).

It's possible that the ponies could adapt to the change and eventually make Mac's system work well for everyone over time and increase everypony's earnings. But until then, like I said, huge pushback. Maybe he should introduce the change gradually.

Besides, I don't see a need to alter whatever economic system (seemingly a form of capitalism) that Equestria has in place. Equestria has very few, if any, truly impoverished citizens. I don't like to assume that farmers are poor and uneducated just because they're farmers (Applejack can read and write just fine, thank you very much). So there is no need for wealth redistribution.

They could take so much away from her, her throne, her subjects... but the idea of losing the ceremonies sent a cold and unnerved shiver down her spine.

:trollestia:: "Priorities."

Just because she was overthrown didn’t mean she had to be... well, thrown out. Did it?


Nice story.
I enjoyed reading it.
How will Celestia doing at the farm, by the way?


[Line Break]

Two times you wrote this, but didn't actually insert an line break. Intentionally?

enjoying them,y.”

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