Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
The Crystal Empire bustles quietly about in the peaceful summer day. Ponies travel from business districts to crystal suburbs to whatever else is in a city that isn't either of those things. They also do things in those places, but that's not the point. To hell with those ponies. We care about two very specific ponies. They live in a giant-ass crystal castle in the center of the entire empire and rule it generally when they feel like it.
Deep within that crystal castle of clear quartz lies the Princess of this land, Princess Cadance. She lays with her husband, Prince Shining Armor, by the fireside, watching the flames flicker and crackle. Neither pony was even remotely concerned that they were running a fire in a place with no clearly visible chimney, but they had done it before with no casualties so why not. Who's gonna stop them, the Princess?
Shining turned his head to his wife and studied her gaze carefully. His features were tightened, and the edges of his mouth were turned down in a serious manner. Cadance felt his gaze upon her, as is usual between married couples, and turned to him to look him in the eye. Funny enough, eye contact was something they did when they first met, and continued to do it quite often.
"Cadance," Shining said softly. "I... kinda want to talk about something."
"Yeah?" Cadance replied, using her mouth to make words. "What's on your mind, Shiney?"
Shining broke eye contact and looked down to the floor. He scratched his mane uncomfortably and cleared his throat before speaking once more.
"I've really been thinking. About this whole... baby thing."
"What about it?" Cadance asked. "You never seemed to have a problem with kids before."
"Well, see," he continued. "It's a big, scary world out there. There are giant monster attacks almost every day. Ponies get hurt. Some live and grow up in poverty, never knowing a decent life. And other Ponies are raised with a silver spoon and never know the word no."
"What are you saying?"
"Well. I guess. I'm starting to doubt that we're really... the right fit to be parents."
Cadance leaned back in shock. But not too far, because there was a fire. It was more like when you hear something that you didn't expect, and you have this moment where you jump in your seat. Bottom line, she was a little surprised.
"Why wouldn't we be?!" Cadance said.
"I just. We're royalty, Cadance. I mean, yesterday I had to work six whole hours at work! It was terrifying."
Cadance paused, looking at the ground.
"I suppose you're right. I did work five hours yesterday, then spent the rest of the day playing ping-pong with that weird guard with the accent."
"WAS IT ALFIE?!" Shining said excitedly.
"YES, THAT WAS HIM!" Cadance said with equal brimming excitement. "I usually just call him dude. It's what I call all the guards."
Shining nodded happily in agreement.
"Yeah, Alfie's cool."
The two stared into the fire for a hot minute. This was because the fire was hot and they stared at it for a minute.
"Oh right, I don't want to be a father," Shining said.
"Oh, right. Okay, sure whatever," Cadance replied.
They stared at the fire for another hot minute. Contrary to popular belief, hot minutes should be handled with great care to avoid being burned.
"Wait, Shining. I think we already are Parents," Cadance said.
"Shit. I think you're right. Now what do we do?"
Shining and Cadance stand over the cradle of their infant child, the Princess Flurry Heart. They look from each other, down to the baby. Flurry flared out her wings that would be large enough to take down a tall building, maybe two, and stared up at them with all of the love and adoration her grapefruit sized eyes could give. Which was about the volume of two grapefruits.
"Flurry, we need you to move out," Shining said firmly.
The two stood there, waiting patiently as Flurry proceeded to suck on one of her hooves.
"Honey, I think we have a failure to launch," Cadance said.
"Well, I just tried having a serious talk. Now what do we do?"
"Well, what do you do when you have things you don't want?" the pink pretty princess asked.
Shining scratched his head and paced about the room.
"Ever since we got here, I pretty much just threw things out windows. That usually keeps the place tidy."
"Oh, that's fair. Let's do that then."
Shining walks to Flurry Heart's crib, picks up the baby, and walks to the open balcony. Cadance followed behind him, because she still wanted to feel like she belonged. Shining held up the baby in his hooves, wound his dominant hoof back to propel the baby forward like a mighty javelin, and tried to think of an awesome one-liner.
"Consider this failure to launch, ejected."
He began to throw--
"WAIT!" Cadance screamed.
And then he waited.
"But I did the line," he said.
"I know but, I realized something. I don't think she can fly," Cadance said.
"But, wait. That was your job! I think," Shining said.
"Until five minutes ago, we forgot we had a baby."
"Oh, right. So now what do we do?"
Cadance paced the balcony, trying to figure out what the hell they could do with a baby.
"The black market is too sketchy these days," Cadance said. "Every time I try to find a dealer, they just run away begging not to be arrested."
"Well, it's not like we can just give the baby to someone!" Shining said. "What if they hurt the baby?!"
"Good point," Cadance agreed with a nod. "That's something that must be avoided at all costs."
Shining walked back inside, because it was getting cold out and he didn't have a blanket, when he froze dead in his tracks. He wasn't actually freezing, it's just a figure of speech. He immediately saw the answer to their problems.
"Cadance, check this out," he urgently said to his wife.
Cadance trotted over to him, not because she does what she's told, but because she felt like doing it at the time.
"What am I looking at?" she asks, looking at a small rectangular thing in front of them.
"I think it's a trash can," Shining said. "My Mom always told me that's where my hoofnail clippings should go, but I never usually listened. I think ponies take what gets put in these, and carry it away."
"Where to?" Cadance asked. "What are the intricate details of Equestrian Sanitation in the Crystal Empire?"
"I don't know, but it sounds like a load of garbage. But, my point is, we could put Flurry Heart here, and then she'll get carried away to a magical land of waste."
"Woah," Cadance replied. "She'd be, like, a waste Queen."
"Queen of the Wasteland."
"I wanna be a Queen," Cadance said.
"I don't think you're trash though. So you can't."
"Oh, okay."
Shining looked from the baby to the trash can in front of him. He felt like he should say something important, and give something profound before sending Flurry on a magical journey to discover herself, show rats who's boss, and to survive on refuse like all of the other orphans.
"See ya."
And with that, Shining tossed Flurry Heart into the trash. She bounced on the rim twice before falling in. A loud cry filled the nursery.
"So, how long does it take for her to go?" Cadance asked.
"I dunno. Wanna go get ice cream?"
"Heck yeah!"
And so the lovely couple left the nursery, proud of what they accomplished today.
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Boooo
7866006
Whaaaaatttttt
My reaction
assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/clapping/citizen_cane.gif
And with that, Shining tossed Flurry Heart into the trash. She bounced on the rim twice before falling in. A loud cry filled the nursery.
Jesus Christ, Priest, why you do this ;w;
Absolutely majestic. 68.media.tumblr.com/24bcb01636b174f82df3706857c6191d/tumblr_mwuvg7c8Kf1s45fabo1_500.gif
SO NOT COOL!!!!!!!
What are you?! Some sort of sick freak?! How could you do that to a baby?!
The best fanfiction. Totally within the spirit of the show.
That was just so ridiculous that I can't not upvote it.
EIther make this an a or make this plural.
also
carry or carries? It sounds weird to me as carries but I dont know if its right.
oh and this
which gender is Cadance? Or is she still undecided?
Either way this was perfect. I could totally see those two behaving like that. Flurry really does need to be kicked to the curb. The only thing she did was make sex canon. Wait didnt Faust answer a tweet that confirmed this? Anyways I still need to read the other story you posted a couple hours ago. You've been busy today.
7866069
Fixed all of them! Thank you man.
I liked this. This brought me several laughs. Am I a terrible person?
7866081
Yes. Yes it does.
I'm a terrible person too.
7866010 Writing such awfulness won't you think of the children you faggot? Love ya babe
This was perfect. I chuckled. 0/10. -ign
7866041 The best stories are the ones which start ethical conversations in the comments.
Personally, I think they did the right thing.
Haha, the best stories are the unrealistic ones.
This is just the kind of black humour that I can get behind, nothing like trashing babies to start my day. 10/10.
Also, unrelated but kinda not really unrelated question: are you amped up on like 7 different kinds of drugs, because I'm starting to have concerns about you.
And thus, bronies have no right to complain when society views them with disgust. It's heartbreaking to see just how blatantly evil some monsters are.
I.....I.....
Wow...
Just wow.
7866287 Well, but aren't the characters in this story depictions of some non-bronies society produces? It's not like people similar the story's Cadence or Shining don't exist IRL...
The ending seemed anticlimactic.
You sick bastard.
What the dick Priest?!
Hahahaha!
Oh... this story is sad.
*Upvotes*
Only horrible people would laugh at this!
*Favorites*
What kinda sicko writes this?
*Wipes away tears of mirth*
Loved it, 10/10 needs more trash can.
Reactions:
1: considers down voting story.
Why would I? I read the description, I knew what I was getting into. One of those if you don't like subject matter don't read story
2: considers up voting story.
Now granted I feel bad that some people are idiots and down vote solely based on subject, but the story isn't that amusing to me.
3: pick up Flurry Heart and take her home.
After all one pony's trash us another pony's treasure. (Or whatever she gets used for.
)
Crystal Empire Pro-Choice!
Read all about it here!
media.frankwatching.com/app/uploads/2012/11/Content_Marketing.jpg
Is trash your fetish, Anon?
Predictable.
Most of the jokes were too old and stale for my taste.
Idk what I just read but I'll upvote it anyways.
i.sli.mg/5OAtjL.jpg
It would be easier (and quicker) to just flush Flurry Heart down the toilet.
I'm giving this a thumbs up and a favorite. It made me laugh.
Wow, I had to study 14 hours yesterday to finish homework but that shit is still not finished, nice going royality.
WTF, and quick question, What do you think about children?
7866287 Yeah cuz, all brony fanfics are such as this, and anyone with dark humor is the devil.
Granted this ain't my cup of tea exactly, some parts were chuckle worthy, and its offensiveness is funny alone. Some of the writing was sorta bleh. But, *shrugs*. Point is, that's like quoting Family Guy and saying hey, Seth Mcfartloud is an atheist, so this justifies everyone hating atheists. Its pretty non-logical. You can do generalizations and justifications like that with anything.
7866047
If we only tried to capture the spirit of the show, we would be all writing the same thing, then everyone would lose interest.
7866010
It'd be funnier if you slam dunked the baby into the trash can. Welcome to the jam
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9FImc2LOr8&t=21s
But that wouldn't fit with the theme.
You are a terrible person. That is all I have to say.
7866287 this is something I expect from the internet in general. If this surprises you or offends you, then god help you if you wander into a public chat room that isn't watched by mods.
Everyone is yelling about how dark and evil this is, and i'm here, laughing my ass off.
Loved it.
9.9/10 "Too much Flurry Heart" - IGN.
I morally think this is wrong BUT
*upvote
Oh how funny it was
Oh what horrible parents but
8/10
I laughed, I cried, and I realised I would be a terrible parent.
10/10 would clop again.
7866287 Nah it just goes to show idiots like you can't read a description.
1. It's a Comedy. Why are you taking it seriously. It is not meant to be taken seriously.
2. There was a trigger warning stating that it was for terrible people. You failed the test by taking the story seriously.
It just means you are unable to take a joke.3. Goddammit, you are getting triggered over a fucking My Little Pony fanfiction about two magical horses being terrible people. Just take a step back and think about that.
4. There are far better things to get pissed off about on this site alone. Spoilers: It involves the Dark tag and the Mature filter. And probably Gore too. And Sex...
Point is, if you can't handle Flurry Heart being thrown into the trash, good fucking luck with the rest of the Internet. At least this was written with the intention of being a joke.
7867167
People take their horses too seriously on this site sometimes, I can tell ya that.
Let's not even get into the Anti-Starlight stuff that was around when S5 ended.
This story was completely retarded.
I loved it.
Watching through her magic crystal ball, the changeling queen shakes her head.
"I tried to warn you guys," she sighs. "Why do you think I sabotaged your wedding?"
Reading the comments like:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/8/9/1220780__safe_solo_rainbow+dash_cute_animated_simple+background_transparent+background_floppy+ears_food_frown.gif
This is my new Cadance headcanon.
Discreet.
*High Five*
Nothing wrong with being a bad person.
But i do have a question...
Does Flurry become Queen of the Wasteland?
DUDE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????????!!!!!!!!!
7868084
The list is still being compiled.