• Member Since 5th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Flutterpriest


T

You've had your eyes set on Applejack for a long time. Maybe your best friend Rainbow Dash can help you earn Applejack's heart. You wouldn't see why not. Besides, she's your best bro. Right?


Previous Cover Art


This story is contained in my book "Dash Tries to Win Your Heart and Other Short Pony Stories"

If you have interest in purchasing this non-profit book, check out my online store at this link: http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1662371

Chapters (16)
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Comments ( 720 )

>dem feels when you totally would notice favorite pone irl, but second person perspective forces you not to.

>Rainbow Dash

Absolutely disgusting.

i think this would be fun to see updated in bursts

This reminds me of that time I tried talking to a girl.


It was very much fictional.

This is awesome!!!!!! MORE!!!!!

This was actually a pretty cute read, well done for not doing the instant hook up.

I don't know why you called this story "Oblivious".
There was nothing for Anon to be oblivious towards, just Dash doing some tricks.

Cute story.

Well usually the mare picks the stallion. *Rainbow does elaborate mating ritual.* I wonder if I will know when they are doing it.

why completed?:fluttercry:

The story was entertaining to read but i feel like it lacked emphasis on the title? Its only mentioned for a sentence or 2 at the end and its quite short. Regardless good job FP.

You definitely weren't good at broken bones. Normally your they just end up... well, broken.

But wouldn't this mean you were great at broken bones? Seeing as how they're doing exactly what it says

Rainbow Dash is such a dork. A wonderful, adorable dork.

This looks way too cute to ignore. Now to commence reading... I'll share my thoughts afterwards.

This is actually pretty good.

I love it! MOOOOARRRRRR!!!!:flutterrage:
(my first 'moar' roar :twilightblush:)

6600290
Haha! Yay! Thank you!

6599293
I cri erytiem

6599360
HA!... Now I feel bad.

6599488
You know, neither do I! :twilightsheepish:

6599585
Lmao

What! That wasn't even a conclusion! Need at less thirty more chapters....minimum.

Huh, you've actually got me to feel a little bad for Rainbow Dash. Congrates.

That was maybe the first page of a story. I'm not sure why the staff lets this sort of thing through.

You tagged this story wrong. There's no romance, there's no comedy, and I don't really see why the alt universe tag is there. The only tags that fit this story are Human and Slice of Life. The title of the story makes you think that the story is about Rainbow trying to win anon's heart, but all she does is show off to him and then they agree to go to the gym later. That is hardly trying to win someone's heart. Rainbow shows off to her friends all the time. Is that her way of showing romantic interest? Definitely not.

You showed absolutely no romance in this story whatsoever. There was no body language that showed Rainbow was interested in him, nor was there any dialogue to suggest a romantic interest. Same thing for the "comedy" part. What comedy? There's nothing funny about this story.

As for the story itself, I must admit that there's really no substance and it let me down. Your description promised us a lot, and it didn't deliver at all. For example:

You've had your eyes set on Applejack for a long time.

You talk about the guy wanting a relationship with AJ, and how he would be able to help her out. This part is okay.

Maybe your best friend Rainbow Dash can help you earn Applejack's heart. You wouldn't see why not. Besides, she's your best bro. Right?

If Rainbow Dash is the human's best friend, then why did you write this?

"Hey, Anon!" an unfamiliar voice calls.

If they're best friends, Rainbow's voice wouldn't be unfamiliar to him. On top of that, if they're best friends, why would Rainbow Dash strike him so hard that it made him stumble?

All this story talks about how anon is daydreaming about AJ plus Rainbow doing a trick that doesn't impress the guy. The title of the story is misleading, and doesn't describe your story at all. "Daydreaming" would be a better fit. Furthermore, calling Rainbow a "bro" doesn't feel right at all. If she was a stallion, then it'd feel okay, but as a mare? Nope. Her having a tomboy-ish attitude does not mean that she can be called a bro, and calling a girl a bro is like a black man calling a white man a nigga. It just doesn't add up.

Now, back to your description:

You've had your eyes set on Applejack for a long time. Maybe your best friend Rainbow Dash can help you earn Applejack's heart. You wouldn't see why not. Besides, she's your best bro. Right?

Literally, the only part of your description that would fit in this story is the first line. Anon doesn't ask Rainbow for help trying to get Applejack's heart, and you show no evidence of them being best "bros". Since the story is marked as complete, you're telling us that there isn't going to be anymore content.

I have no idea how this got into the feature box. I really wanted to like this story. I love cute things, and the title coupled with the cute artwork made me think this was going to be something adorable. It's written fairly well, but that's about all the story has going for it.

6600394
Thank you. I'll fix the tags.
I'll be blunt with you, I have no idea how it did either. This was something old I threw up because I was being nagged to do it. I didn't expect that it would blow up like this. You're correct. There's absolutely no substance. I frankly didn't want this to be featured because it's a very poor representation of the rest of my work. I suppose what's done is done though. The story -is- very misleading. I will be taking all of your comments into consideration if/when I add anything else onto this. Thank you for taking the time to write a detailed critique of my story. It's very rare that something like that happens on this site.

Should be interesting to see one of these "Rainbro" stories actually finish.

Her ears perk and tail wags as she makes a small girlish noise of excitement.

Hnnnng!

6600394 "bro" has evolved into a gender neutral term for "cool friend"

6599488 Better than all those that can't decide and go with the "Obvious" answer of a herd...

6600394 dude you just opened the mother of all can of worms with "N" word dude...unless your black...in which case nevermind. Still choose your words wisely bro, just saying.

6600742 hey man i'm just saying there are certain words certain races can't use.

6600744 Pfffft fuck that. I'll say what I want.

6600755 ok don't say i didn't warn ya. :facehoof:

6600744 Nigger.

I did just in fact use the word, negating your claim that some races "can't" use the word. Before educating people on what they "can" and "can't" do, learn the meaning of the word "can".

6600769 Freedom of Speech FTW.

6600769
6600771

This comment tree made my day. You niggas are the best. :rainbowlaugh:

6600769 ok lety me rephrase myself. On here you can say that cause of your anonymity, but in a social situation if you were to say that word ESPECIALLY the version ending in ER its not going to end well when i said there are words certain races CAN'T use i meant from a social stand point, granted it was my fault for not specifying that and i apologize. but that word is deeply rooted in hate and the African American culture use that word to describe there friends to defuse the hate that old racist white men had attached to the word so many years ago. It's a matter of being culturally sensitive to the the other traces that to be honest have gotten the shit end of the stick there whole life. at a socioeconomic stand point cultural progress can not be fully achieved unless that word stays within its intended race and any other race that the original race deems allowed to use set word.

6600790 So you're now implying that all black people are violent, anti-white people who would snap at a single word?

...wow

This whole comment section right now.
Guys. This is a story about rainbow dash. Let's talk about rainbow ponies, big green humans, and skittles, and sunshine, and happiness, and love, and...

Ugh. Nevermind. Continue

6600793 no now your twisting my words I'm not implying anything, at most you use that word around them and you will be offending them, thats it. I'm never said they were violent on the contrary from what I've seen they will calmly explain why your not allowed to use that. secondly i'm not anti white i have just noticed that white people don't realize how we live. back in 2006 there was a case in Washington were they took a poll of the average intelligence of college campus students. according to the data there was little to know differences the 3 students of 4 different demographics all scored nearly equal on the IQ test now they did an experiment, and some places accepted the Caucasian students over the other 4 races. Showing that some colleges will decline minorities for the simple fact theat they are people of color. and its ridiculous they all scored high IQ's there should been no reason for the Caucasian side to be chosen above the others and thirdly anyone can be violent you walk up and accidentally bump a random white guy there is chance he will get violent. Violence is deeply rooted in human nature not race. and implying that i said one specific race was violent is assanine and very close minded. So please sir pay attention when you read.

6600793 anyone can snap at a single word its something some humans have called a "Hair trigger" some one could get violent cause simply said you dont like the color of there shoes or there hairstyle or there attitiude. again know your facts before you start twisting words and play the blame game.

6600810 but muh social justice

but in a social situation if you were to say that word ESPECIALLY the version ending in ER its not going to end well

That's weird. I know like 3 black people and I use the word "nigger" around them all the time. Funnily enough, I haven't been lynched because amazingly, black people aren't all thin-skinned wusses who can't handle the word "nigger" being thrown around without having a mental breakdown.

Don't speak for an entire group of people, broheimer, it makes you look like a twat. Especially if you're white. You're not a white person speaking for all black people... are you?

socioeconomic stand point

socioeconomic

Son, I don't think you fully understand what you just said. Socioeconomics is the study of society in relation to money and markets.

can not be fully achieved unless that word stays within its intended race

"Intended race". Holy shit dude what are you smoking. You need to stop before your hole breaks through the Earth's crust.

6599666
She's a pegasus so oh my god yes, second chapter dereyougo.

TLP

I hate the fact that it makes Me/Anon as oblivious as all fucking hell.




But I'll let this one slide.

Because Dashie.

6600865
6600825
6600793
6600836

Hey guys

stop

Thanks

Have a nice day.

6600953

Hi Obs.

I stopped over an hour ago.

You're welcome.

You have a nice day too.

6600953
Spook.

Veri Spookie

Your profile picture.

HAI!
You read this wrong.

Well. That feels like the start of a story.

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