Time Deepens Some Wounds

DwarvishPony

DwarvishPony #1 · Nov 17th, 2016 · 2 · ·

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Yeesh. Talk about a downer. My phone won't load the video at the end, though.

Was this brought on by events involving you? If so, do you need someone to talk to?

Flutterpriest

Flutterpriest #2 · Nov 17th, 2016 · 7 · ·

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7729214
Yeah. I'll get over it. It's just hard in the meantime. I have wonderful friends who are always here for me.

DwarvishPony

DwarvishPony #3 · Nov 17th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7729220

that's good to know.

I went through something similar to this, only it ended in the theft of a number of my things. Including my favorite Trixie plush! I'm still mad about the plush. But possessions are replaceable, and some friendships have to be let go of. I'm just lucky I have close friends I can count on.

anonpencil

anonpencil #4 · Nov 17th, 2016 · 3 · ·

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7729220
Ya damn right you do.

Lunatone

Lunatone #5 · Nov 17th, 2016 · · ·

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Well, shit...I can somewhat relate to this, but not entirely. Still, though, this story pulled my heartstrings. It has be thinking about some stuff now.

7729220

You do!

My PM is always open to you, friend.

mr_shimmer

mr_shimmer #6 · Nov 18th, 2016 · 2 · ·

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7729220
While I don't actually know you, you have a tendency of catching my sense of humor, and being a decent writer. I try to consider myself a nice guy, so if you feel like talking to a total stranger, feel free...
I hope stuff brightens in your life.
PS A couple errors, but I'm not sure what your SOP is on them.

Peacekeeper

Peacekeeper #7 · Nov 18th, 2016 · · ·

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Fuck. Cut deep.

Flutterpriest

Flutterpriest #8 · Nov 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7730359
by all means. comment em, and i fixem

mr_shimmer

mr_shimmer #9 · Nov 18th, 2016 · · ·

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7730678
Yeah! Yeah. I'll deal with it!" she says. "Just stop treating me like you're my Mom."
'Mom' wasn't proper noun, therefore should be 'mom'.
While not a major item, it did mess with my immersion
On to other things:
She grabbed a corkscrew and affixed it to the top.

This line just stands out. The rest of the story is so descriptive, I feel what shes feeling. Regret and Determination are in my bones when I read it. When you put out a sentence like that, that well built connection to Octavia, fades. Some extra detail, perhaps along the lines of 'With a deep breath, she grabbed a corkscrew and affixed it to the top.' Something that makes the reader act along with her.

I'm doing this because I see a great story here. Not out of some pettiness, thank you for being chill with criticism.
I am trying to keep in mind that you are going for a minimalistic approach, and letting the reader fill in the details. Every paragraph has something of importance, action, or dialog. They build the reader's interest, keep the reader informed, or make the reader act. You built the framework for the feet of a grand statue, and the reader fills in the rest.

AMuffinlover