• Member Since 30th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen June 26th

FauxShores


T

Jake is given the opportunity of a lifetime when the technology to bring him to Equestria arises. He will be chosen at random to become one of the ponies in a virtual representation of Ponyville. Will everything go as planned? Or is there something deeper to it all?

A different take on a HiE fic, these humans will become ponies from the show.

Rated T for adult humor/references.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 200 )

This is SO great. Dude, I can not wait to see what happens next!

Oh god... I came in to this expecting a good story, not a GREAT one!
I must have more!
Also the guys name. Jake, did you get that from the movie Avatar?
It reminds me of that, but none the less its still fantastic!

1004703

Heh, no I didn't get it from Avatar. Didn't even think about that to be honest, but I'm glad you liked the story. There is much more to come, and now I can get on to the best part. The part with ponies!

1004714
Well I cant wait to read to it!

This is SUCH a great read, cant wait for more

A very creative twist on the Brony in Equestria story. And plus, thank Celestia we don't have some brooding, over-the-top depressed teenager as the main character. I'll definitely be excited to read this when it updates.
-SoI

This is "SO AWESOME" :rainbowkiss:

1007039

Judging by your profile pic, i think you may like where this story is going.

:twilightblush:

Is this story going anywhere?

Is this going to be a story about characters with hopes, aspirations, fears, and flaws, who undergo conflict grow as people, or is this just going to be more empty, wish-fullfilment fantasy full of Mary Sues that's totally devoid of any sort of drama? Because right now, it looks like the latter.

I don't know anything about the characters. All I know is that a bunch of people are going to abandon their lives to live in a presumably artificial fantasy world. A guy telling his family to go fuck themselves so he can live in a fake dream world is kind of a big deal, and I don't think you're really examining the implications of what's happening here. I'm not saying that this plot is necessarily bad, but I think you're glossing over some pretty important points, possibly to get to the "Wheee! I'm a pony and now life is perfect!" part. It seems like Jake is just doing this on a whim.

Just my two cents.

"Smiled" is not a speaking verb. Also, after speech without additions (!/?), place a comma if description of how it is said is used after. There's a few other problems with punctuation throughout.

This is rather original, but the protagonist's feelings are more than a little far-fetched. One might be enthusiastic about going to Equestria in the form of a pony (actually, I wouldn't be super-excited, but would definitely try it if no risk was involved), but this is out of place. People have families, and families matter. Very, very few actual bronies would consider giving up their entire lives to live in a body that was not their own, with no way to return. Why? Because that's insane.

'Equestria, unlike Earth, was a place that was truly good. No one would pass that up.' WOAH, BACK IT UP. That's quite an unrealistic view of our world. For every 'bad' thing, person or object, about our Earth, there are five--or even more--good things or people on it. Earth is a good place, it's hard to explain why, but the fact still stands; Earth is a nice place for humanity to live. And don't pull the 'people are bad' card; you're a person too.

Cut the misanthropy and make the protagonist's decision more logical, and work on your dialogue, and I'd have far less to pick on here.

1007069 My point as well. I just hope we don't have another 'Living the Dream' in development here.

1007094

Ok. I will admit that this "Prologue" chapter is more of an introduction to what is going on than anything.

Most people on this site are here to read about the adventures/conflicts of MLP characters. Having 4 chapters of Jake's conflicts with Earth would be a bit much in my opinion, so i wanted to let readers get to the Equestrian action ASAP.

Future chapters will include events going on between both of the worlds. I plan on touching up on back-story as the characters develop, but i wanted them to develop in Equestria as opposed to Earth. To me that seems more interesting.

I also acknowledge that Earth is a pretty good place. But i'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever wanted to go to Equestria

I don't know what "Living the Dream" is, but i can assure you, this story has a plot. I know where its going, i know where it ends, and I hope that i can provide an emotional experience for everyone who reads this.

This is not a "Im a pony, everything is amazing" fanfic. The Slice of life and Tragedy tags will prove to be functional.

Sorry if i come off a bit rant-ish. I take all of my critiques into consideration and i hope you and Pascal will find what you are looking for in this.

1007196 But one of the most important parts of storycraft is making sure all plot elements make sense or are explained well soon after their introduction. Giving up everything you own, most of your friends, your entire family, and just about everything else you know is not a logical decision, and would require a gigantic amount of decent explanation to justify well. What it looks like, to be bluntly honest, is a half-assed way of going 'here's a character, he wants to go to Equestria. Here, now he can go to Equestria, but he can't come back, but he's going anyway. He jumps at it like a dog for beef jerky.' In doing so, he, like the dog, completely disregards any and all things other than the jerky in question. It's like the jerky's over a pit of lava and he just jumps for it. Reckless, inexplainable, rediculous. That was my mean side. I'm sorry. My advisory as to how to do this better? Have the protagonist(s) (those going in) not be told that they can't come back. That'd make the decision entirely reasonable.

Oh, and as for 'Living the Dream', you don't wanna know. There was also a typo in my last comment that I fixed.

1007266

Just hold out for a few chapters to see how the plot develops. I think you may be surprised.

1007319 This'd better be good, it's going to take more than a little to fix that issue.

Regardless of how mean I know I sound, I'm a nice guy, really, and I write stories kind of like this too, I'm only trying to help you avoid the innumerable pitfalls that this genre just can't crawl out of. Here to help.

1007196

Hmm. Well, certainly I respect an author who is willing to respond to criticism.

Like Orange said, people like us aren't trying to be assholes or elitists. Hell, I write shitty trollfiction. I just want you to know that you're playing with fire. I see people like Spark saying "A very creative twist on the Brony in Equestria story," and I don't want you to get complacent with this story, because it isn't.

I'll give this fic a chance. If you can give me a story with interesting characters that have real drama, then I'll fave you, brohoof you, and have your babies, because that is a creative twist on the brony in Equestria story.

1007520

Challenge noted and accepted.

THE SUSPENSES ARE KILLING ME!!!:pinkiecrazy:

Hmm. Not bad. I expected, well, what you normally expect for a HiE fic. I'll track this.

While I can't award you with a moustache I can award you with the next best thing A DERPY :derpytongue2:

Wow, this is very unique! You just earned yourself a like and a favorite. :pinkiehappy:

I'll be stalki......watching you as well :pinkiecrazy:

this is a really awesome storyline i really like how its turning out you need to make the newest chapters quickly i really really real.y really really really like this DONT DISAPOINT ME :pinkiehappy: :twilightoops:

Couple of appraises:
One thing, I. WANT. PROJECT. EQUESTRIA. XD
Two, This is an amazing story and I cannot wait to see what happens next.

By the way, the year this is set in is the year I graduate XD

You are very smart. You don't have a mental disorder. You're not a terrorist. If you put lol at the end of your reply you have herpes.

1009837

Thank god thats not correct. Lol

1007319 when are you gonna make more chpters,also can i read it n my youtube channel?:pinkiehappy: That would be just be SO AWESOME!!:rainbowkiss:

1011026

The next chapter should be out later today. I have some editing ad formatting to do still.

As for a reading, wait till a few more chapters come out. Make sure you like the way the story is going first.

Will you check out my chanel,like,and maybe subscribe?Right now I'm doing aread on creature of the night and why am i pinkie pie:pinkiehappy:

Seen the ending coming, but it was still an amazing chapter.
I really wanna know what was under Vinyl's bed...
I can't wait for the next one!

It's a pretty good start so far. I really like that the girl wanted to be a boy, mostly because it never happens in these type of stories.

Although I did notice one thing: "It's like having 4 legs." I'm pretty sure that should be spelled out.

Other than that, nothing else popped out to me. So anyway, I'll say it again. Thank you for making a non-cliche human in Equestria story.
-SoI

1013477

Thanks!

For both the opinion and the typo.

It should be corrected now.

Man, this fic has a lot of potential, I can't wait to see in what direction you'll take it.

1013548 An amazing story.:raritystarry:IT was written so well.loved it so much:rainbowkiss::pinkiehappy::yay:

>>FauxShores you have not disappointed me great writing by the way i love how this is going :rainbowlaugh::ajsmug::derpytongue2:

1017084
I don't know how to respond to this.

Looks like "Octavia" has Naoto Shirogane syndrome.

First!

I love this story, it's just so good! :D

1019435

Wow, I second that. That was a great chapter, and the fact that you're able to crank them out so quickly is really impressive.
Can't wait for the next update :twilightsmile:

1019435

This comment literally made my day.

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. :moustache:

Wow this is really good. :moustache: :moustache: :moustache:

PS it would be awesome if people would make more of these from different ponies views I mean we have 98 possible fanfictions here!
I would love to see ::derpytongue2: :trixieshiftleft: :coolphoto: and maybe if she isn't a computer :trollestia:.

Tom Hanks n Eekreastria is beter then tis pece of SHIT!!!!!!!1 uR gay! go eatt a turd!!:facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof: GAAAAY!

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