• Member Since 6th Mar, 2014
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Flutterpriest


I write hoers (Ko-Fi/Patreon)

T

Lists are a simple way to keep yourself productive. If the list is detailed enough, you don't have to even think. The movements become mechanical. Automatic. Which might just be exactly what she needs right now.


Featured by Equestria Daily on 05/27/2016


This story is contained in my book "Dash Tries to Win Your Heart and Other Short Pony Stories"

If you have interest in purchasing this non-profit book, check out my online store at this link: https://www.lulu.com/search?adult_audience_rating=00&q=flutterpriest

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 54 )

Woah..

'I should take this to heart, I should learn from this, maybe I should talk to a friend about this'

"Great fic"

Damn son

I like how it got into the Popular story box so (and I uunderstand how because this is so beautiful)

This is a great story, and I understand its purpose, and I find it very, very noble.

At the same time, though, I couldn't help but feel like this could be a setting for an epic adventure story. Twilight feels like there is something missing and goes on a journey to find herself. She does not tell anybody, because she doesn't want to waste their time. Maybe she goes to the badlands, so she won't be found out.

Oh gosh...

Great story. I really enjoyed it.

Hits a bit close to home..
Very real
Great job

Good story. I Use music to keep my thoughts clear.

Holy shit. I have no words, for the first time in a long time I'm remembering how close I was to taking my own life. I never cry EVER but this story put several tears in my eyes. Great story as always. :pinkiesmile:

Takes a lot to get over something like that...

I would know... you never forget the cold barrel of a gun against your skull.

You are never alone :twilightsmile:

I was going to ask if you were okay, until I saw the author's note. :derpytongue2: Trying to express your feelings in some discreet way is in itself oftentimes a symptom of depression, and seeing how well you described all that made me wonder how intimate you might be with those feelings.

Are you?

Very well done. You've captured the feeling and symptoms of depression with great accuracy. Twilight's state in this story reminds me a great deal of my headspace a year ago before I got treatment.

I have no words :pinkiegasp:

Wow really capture the feelings of deperession. Well done priest.

Talking always helps even if at the time you dont think so. Im grateful for friends who listen to me in my time of need and i make sure to return the favor. Sometimes i use Twilight's methods to fight it and sometimes i succeed but like the story shows its just for another day. You just push it away for a bit but you don't get rid of it.

I am torn on my opinion about this. On the one hand, I appreciate this look into depression, especially as I myself have been there. It is also very well written. On the other hand I don't think this makes any sense at all for princess twilight. Twilight pre-ascension perhaps, but if there is one thing that has been hammered into her head by the time she ascends its the a true friend helps a friend in need. Her thinking that she should conceal her problems from her friends to keep from it from burdening them is odd. I can understand her getting depressed. I can understand her not telling Celestia and trying to act normal like it doesn't exist. I can understand her trying to hide it from ponyville because she doesn't want to worry them that one of their princesses is having problems. I can even perhaps understand her being too embarrassed to tell her friends, but I can't understand her thinking she would be burdening them.

6904318
That's kind of one of the points I was trying to drive home. It's not in character for her. It's -not- like her. Which is what depression does to people. This symptom and line of thinking is also very common. I thought it would work really well considering the pressure of her having to be a prim and proper princess.

We may not always understand the way people think when they are depressed. Amazingly talented individuals can feel like failures. The strong can feel weak. To us, we see the good. To them, they only see the flaws. So, yes. It doesn't make sense. It's intentional.

I hope that clarifies why I did that. If you still aren't a fan of the choice, that's fine. :) The story is far from perfect.

6904591 You're a great big dick for making me feel these feels and a talented writer. Good job at the painful accuracy. :(

So thanks for that.

I thought this was a freaking depression ad telling people to get treatment in pony form......I was not wrong.

I had manic depression for a few years straight and then it turned into this and I attempted to end it with a well placed long jump off a short bridge and I never felt so much pain in my fucking life when I landed and it snapped the ligaments in my knee and leg and almost quite literally split my sides.

It was in the hospital that I realized that people who jump off of bridges are fucking stupid. And I never thought I was worthless and depraved again.....just a massive dumbass that almost killed myself by jumping off the perfectly safe bridge to give the earth a high speed hug.

6945146
I'm happy you found your way through your depression, friend.

6945164

Indeed it was a eye opener for me I think, but that may have been when I came to and almost blacked out again from the pain....or when I opened my eyes and realized that there were some very sharp rocks at the bottom and that what i did was a serious mistake.

And it had me thinking for a very long time of how I missed those rocks, well...the sharp ones anyways.

You are not alone. People will help you whether it will be your friends, your family, your boss at work or even some goofy nutjobs on a pony fiction site but don't just hold it inside.

Seek help and remember that you are one of a kind no matter what anyone tells you.

Twilight had quite a depression. .:fluttershyouch:
Sorry though, Twi.. unlike most people, I don't understand depression cuz I never had one and I found it confusing:pinkiehappy:

Good story!!:heart:

I reviewed this story as part of Read It Later Reviews #43.

My review can be found here.

7054948
Thank you for the review, friendo. When I get some time, I'll give it a swipe of editing to clean it up a little better.

7055453
You're welcome! Good luck with that. :twilightsmile:

6904591

That's kind of one of the points I was trying to drive home. It's not in character for her. It's -not- like her. Which is what depression does to people.

So very true. Thank you for sharing this story.

As someone with depression, this is an absolutely spot on representation of how I feel when the bad times come.

I haven't read a story for a long time (as I prefer writing), but even just the description showed that this is a real gem. You conveyed Twilight's depression spot on; I could really feel her pain. As a compulsive list maker myself, I could understand how Twilight felt the need to have that sense of accomplishment.

All in all, very well done. Have a cookie.

It saddens me that more people haven't read this.

Thanks for showing me another aspect of FiM. I've been here for years and have never seen those groups.

If this came from personal experience, hope you came out stronger from it.

I like this. Better than most depression stories. Not that there bad, but by yours showing the charcter trying to solve her problems and with just a simple though of 'a hug' and rarity catching on, offer a solution and hope

It's strange for me as a professional counselor to encounter clients who have these sort of thoughts – and by strange, I mean in an alien sense. Much as I liked to advertise myself as a pessimist when I was younger, I've always had a positive and lively spirit. Never any issues with self-deprecation, never a night without sleep. And that makes empathizing so very difficult at times.

The one thing I can relate to though is the rampant thought process. There's never been a day in my life that I can remember where my mind has been completely silent. The only way I can calm the noise I create in my own head is by focusing on a single task – something which is used as a coping mechanism all so often for those with depression. Slowing my mind, bringing myself a sense of peace has always been difficult, and I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be when the thoughts are aimed against you.

Really liked this fic, because a few years ago, I probably would have scoffed at what I would have identified as really basic "thoughts of depression," the sort of thing I saw some people genuinely fake as a teen to gain the attention of others. But having been in the field for a couple of years now, I know these sort of thoughts are very real and very common for many folks.

Good read, and good authors note. Thumbs up. :twilightsmile:

This is my first fanfiction that I ever really read, and it was very good. I did kind of get the feels from it, though. Probably because Twilight has always been my favourite character and in a way, I can kind of relate to her in this story.

Addendum: I will admit the emotional descriptions are well fleshed out. (Twilight's thoughts on hot showers in particular resonate with mine.:twilightsheepish:)

This was fairly enjoyable. I have always been a fan of sad stories, and this one was pretty good. (Though I didn't quite understand the ending. Did she pass away in her sleep, or was it just talking about her failure to complete a list each day?)

7252577 If you're looking for more, I'm sure I could provide some. I've been on here for about a year and have had quite my share of giggles, tears and intrigue. Do you have a particular kind of story you like to read?

This was the first story I've read that gave me feels, man. It hits close, too. It happened to me that earlier this year I didn't feel the fun when playing any video game, and recently, if I'm not doing something or at least listening to music, bad things start to fly through my mind. Thankfully got over the video games thing and can enjoy them again.
This also reminded me a lot of this song (which I really like)

I like sad stories because they make me want to just hug Twi (in this case) until it all gets better. It's sad, very sad, but still, for some weird reason, I like that.

I've had days like this. Not to this degree, but days where I have to force myself to get out of bed and then end up dragging myself through the day, trying to find relief in things that used to bring me joy but now I just muddle through. Worse still when I keep it to myself for fear of being ridiculed or not wanting to drag my friends into my mess. These days are never fun.

Unfortunately, I have to be the bad guy for a moment, since there were a few things that took me out of the story and almost made me stop reading entirely.

She rose to her hooves and moved like a shadow to her bathroom. Once the unicorn stepped inside, she examined herself in the mirror. The weary eyes that stared back judged the Princess.

Which is she? A unicorn, or an alicorn princess? The mention of Spike being in the Crystal Empire made me think it was before Magical Mystery Cure, but you mention multiple times afterwards that she's a princess.

'Get out of bed. Check. Today's already off to a good start,' she thought as she inspected the marble floors on the way to the shower.

Where is she? Neither the Golden Oak's Library, nor her new castle have marble flooring, being wood and crystal respectively. The only place that regularly has marble flooring is Canterlot palace, which is where i actually thought she was at first. I could see the bathroom maybe having marble flooring, but the following paragraph has her entering the bathroom, so it couldn't be that.

Twilight moved into into the kitchen

Repetitive "into"

Some have weird hours that defy the way the natural programming of the body,

This should either be "Some have weird hours that defy the natural programming of the body," or "Some have weird hours that defy the way the natural programming of the body works,"

She managed to stay productive today, just as she wanted.

This needs to be past tense, so it should be something like "She had" or "She'd"

7254351
Thank you so much for pointing these out. I'll fix them up as soon as possible

7252017 But is Twilight the best canon character for this presentation?

She seems much more likely to fall into classic manic bipolar symptomatology than long-lived depression.

7257520

Yeah, I could easily see her falling into that category. But if I were doing a fic like this, I'd use either Twi or 'Shy. I could see either having the issues displayed here; Twi makes sense because for all the logic and reason she uses, it often falls flat because of the internal struggle taking place, not to mention her propensity for thinking nine-hundred miles an hour and hyperorganization. Intelligence – and even an intimate understanding of friendship, support, etc. – have little impact if something like this gets deep-seeded and blends together with other factors, both internal and external.

7257563 Interestingly, Rainbow Dash might actually be the best fit for one manifestation of depression. Over-compensation is one of the masks people with chronic depression can wear. Outwardly, they appear confident and outgoing, while inwardly they are exceedingly self-doubting.

Dash exhibits some of the signs when faced with potential failure.

Fluttershy... you'd have to rework her character immensely. She's perfectly happy by herself and surrounded by animals and quite clearly confident in her abilities and satisfied with her place in the world. She's actually a perfect fit for social phobias, but not for chronic depression.

In fact, the clearest pony fit for depression is Luna. With the Tantabus episode, the inner self-doubt and loathing, the self-flagellation, constructing a mental mechanism to relive failure... that's CLASSIC depression.

I was looking for bad 2nd-person AiE fics and found this instead. It's good! I'd always passed on your stories before, just because of the tags and descriptions.

This seems like a normal day for me, so I can relate. Only differences are the lists and the lies. You done need a list to repeat the same motions every day. And as for my friends, they just laugh and think I'm joking when I answer honestly how I am. The ones that don't tend to just stop asking. :pinkiesad2:

Her eyes examined the four pills carefully.
Then she poured out four more.
Then, sixteen.

I'll take one, 'cause I needed to feel it so much
I had an emotional crutch, but
I'm feeling bored so I'll take some more
Cause nothing is happening...

Kept this in 'Read Later' for the days when I'll feel depressed. They are here and the story fits this so well. I feel better after reading it. I really do. Not good, not neutral. I still feel bad, but it's still better than before reading. :)

Every time I read this, I imagine how it would have ended if Twilight had asked Rarity for that hug.

Quite a bit differently, I think.

I've put off leaving a comment because I haven't quite found the right words to say. Here goes another attempt; maybe I'll post this one this time.

There are people who will take all sorts of different things from this. Solace in their depression. Insight into a friend who struggles. Understanding and empathy. Appreciation of the craft and art of writing shown. All that and more. Some might see all, some might only feel one, but everyone who reads this will take something away.

It's a masterful balance of melancholy and movement; it doesn't stagnate in Twilight's thoughts, but visits them just long enough to convey feeling without drowning. The lilting journey through Twilight's day dips into the dark and resurfaces to keep things moving. This is a stumbling block a lot of stories that touch on these topics don't always manage to clear.

The last line, however, is what gets me. I had many guesses about the final item on her checklist. That one, however, is more perfect than what I expected. It's beautifully sad and yet wholly hopeful all at the same time.

Well done, and well enjoyed.

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