A Curious Case Of Immortality
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Rarity roared, her voice echoing through the halls of the castle.
Twilight paused, mid-spell. Pink sparks poured from her horn, casting the dim laboratory into a harsh light and shade. With a clipped sigh she snapped, “Spike! Tell Rarity that I’m not seeing visitors today.”
Shaking her head, Twilight began to gather magic back into her horn. The hoof-sized piece of pink quartz before her began to glow in sympathy, even as the shadows drew in deeper around the alicorn. The air thrummed with barely constrained power and Twilight’s eyes turned black as she poured still more of herself into the heart of—
There was a sudden bang and the door to the lab flew open, bathing the ritual in sudden light. Twilight let out an undignified yelp of surprise, her wings flying open. With an earsplitting boom, a lightning bolt arced from the crystal to one of the many grounding rods set up around the lab and Twilight threw herself forwards to catch the crystal before it hit the floor.
“Spike!” she exclaimed, running a hoof over the quartz. “What did I just say?”
“She didn’t take no for an answer,” Spike protested from the doorway, as hoofsteps echoed through the lab behind her.
“Twilight,” Rarity hissed, her voice like cut glass. “I would like a word.”
Twilight was always amazed by Rarity’s use of the Equine language. She never would have thought anypony could use ‘word’ as such an effective threat before she’d met Rarity.
“Rarity, I’m sorry but it's going to have to wait,” she said, carefully resting the crystal in the centre of the arcane circle. “I’m in the middle of a very delicate piece of—” She turned. “—oh sweet Celestia, there’s a pipe through your barrel!”
Rarity, despite the feather-wide section of copper embedded in her chest just below her shoulder, rolled her eyes. “Yes, darling, I had noticed,” she continued, tapping a hoof against it. “It seems that, despite earning their cutie-marks, the Crusaders are still a hazard to everything in a hundred-hoof radius. However, I was particularly concerned by the fact that a pipe has penetrated through, what my passing grasp of anatomy tells me is, my lung. Now, while I don’t particularly relish the thought of drowning in my own blood, I do believe it is the customary response. Do you have anything to say about the situation?”
“Uhh...” Twilight’s eyes flicked to the circle and back again. In the distance she could hear the rapid-fire click of claws on crystal as Spike beat a hasty retreat. “No?”
“Really, darling?” Rarity shot back, arching an eyebrow.
Twilight swallowed. “Okay, may~be I might know a little bit about what’s going on. Actually, it’s a rather funny story. You’re going to laugh when you hear it.”
Rarity’s glower deepened.
Twilight wilted, her ears folding flat “Or... maybe you won’t.”
A deep sigh escaped Rarity and she pressed her hoof against her brow. “Twilight does this have anything to do with the whole ‘immortality’ thing you’ve been going through.” She took the guilty silence as an affirmative. “Darling, I sympathise I truly do. But I would also prefer to be told if I was going to become an unholy abomination of magic gone too far.”
“You’re not an abomination!” Twilight exclaimed. Rarity cocked an eyebrow at her and gestured at the bloodless wound. “Well, technically speaking you’re a lich. But—” She held up a hoof as Rarity opened her mouth to speak. “—it’s just a temporary thing.”
“A lich?” Disdain dripped from Rarity’s voice. “A withered shell of a pony who clings to life by draining the souls of the living? I’m afraid to say that I would rather die,” she said, shuddering.
“Oh, no no no, that couldn’t be further from the truth.” Twilight levitated a book, a proper dread tome bound in what looked worryingly like leather, over from a nearby shelf. “Though it’s a very common misconception. See, lichdom just locks a body in its current state, leaving evil withered old mages still withered. By locking you into the spell now, I can keep you in the prime of youth for as long as it takes to come up with a more permanent solution. Or figure out how to turn ponies into alicorns, whichever comes first.”
Rarity sighed. “And the soul eating?”
“Heh...” Twilight blushed. “Well, as an alicorn I have a lot of soul to go around.” She met Rarity’s sceptical glare. “Okay, so it’s not a perfect solution but—but!—I have backup plans.” The tome zipped back onto the shelf and was replaced by an equally evil alternative. “How about instead of a phylactery, I put your soul into a statue? Complete immunity to ageing, harm and a snazzy new look. May involve some, if not total, loss of sensation in the extremities.”
Rarity’s sceptical look deepened. “I really don’t think that’s an option, darling.”
“Okay, okay. How about—” Another book soared over. “—Ah, this is a good one. I can enchant a portrait to age for you... oh, but more soul eating. Okay, well how do you feel about reincarnation? I’ll need to figure out a selective breeding program for Sweetie Belle but–” She glanced up at Rarity who was glowering, her hoof tapping against the pipe. “So, not that either. How about I transform you into a dragon? They have a far longer lifespan and grow to be immeasurably strong. Spike actually suggested this one awhile back.”
“Twilight,” Rarity tried to interrupt.
“Or we could try something with phoenix fire,” Twilight continued, growing panicky as she brought forth a veritable wall of books. “It didn’t end well for the last dozen ponies who tried it but I’m sure we can figure something out.”
“Twilight.”
“You know, I’m ninety percent sure Vinyl Scratch is a vampony, maybe we could get her to bite you.”
“Twilight!” Rarity exclaimed, finally stilling the babble of ideas.
“Darling,” she continued with another sigh. “I understand why you’re so worried for us, truly I am, but do you really think this is the right solution? Sitting in a dark room casting dark magics just to try and stave off the inevitable? I know thinking about the day we won’t be here hurts and I’ll miss each and every one of you. But, you can’t encase the world in crystal and call it saved.”
Twilight hung her head. “I know,” she said, her voice a mere croak. Quietly the books slipped back onto the shelves. “But I’d never forgive myself if Rainbow Dash died in a stunt when I could have saved her. We always end up in so much danger I had to do something.” She let out a little chuckle. “Come to think of it I’m a little surprised you’re the first pony who found out.”
“Well, I suppose that’s fair.” Rarity sighed. “But I would like you to put my soul back where you found it. I’d prefer not to be known as the wicked sorceress of Ponyville. There are some gifts that should only belong to alicorns.”
“Okay.” Twilight let out a long sigh, more of resignation than acceptance. “Do you want me to remove the pipe first, or–”
“Yes, I want you to remove the pipe,” Rarity snapped, then seemed to remember her composure. “If you wouldn’t mind. And after that we shall, as a group, discuss our newfound lichdom before anypony else gets impaled.”
“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie burst into the room, her hooves beating a staccato rhythm. The mare tripped over her own hooves a few paces from the door and collapsed in a pile of limbs. Her fore-leg rolled free of the heap and stopped at Twilight’s hooves.
Pinkie picked herself up a shook herself. “Oh, hi Rarity,” she said, teetering on three legs. “Have you done something with your hair?”
“Umm...” Rarity goggled at the mare.
“Oh, right. Twilight can you stick my leg back on?” she said, bounding forwards. “I’ve tried everything, duct tape, duck tape, even gator tape and let me tell you, Gummy was not happy about that last one.” She grabbed her leg and held it up against her barrel, which was still festooned with loose tape. “Urgh, this is the last time I let the twins play with the clothesline.”
“Um...” Twilight shook herself. “Okay.” She lowered her horn and applied a quick adhesion spell.
“Yay!” Pinkie clapped her forehooves together, rolling her newly reattached shoulder. “Thanks Twilight! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a gator in a 'time out' to deal with. See you later!.”
With a parting grin Pinkie turned and bounced off.
Rarity stared after her for a long moment.
“Well of course Pinkie would be fine with it,” Rarity said, sighing. “Still, I believe my point stands.”
“Actually, I haven’t finished the spell for Pinkie yet.” Twilight frowned, glancing over her shoulder at the pink crystal that lay lifeless in the centre of the spell circle.
“Huh...” Rarity looked down at the pipe, then up at Twilight. “So, tell me again how you fixed the soul eating problem?”
Writen for the FiM Write-Off - It's Your Funeral and heavily updated. If you'd like to see the original 750 word limited version, it can be found here.
Update: This story now has a reading done by the wonderful TheArchitect
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Not if your dancing skills are anything to go by
.
7377921 Ooo, burn
This has got to be the best "immortality angst" fic starring Twilight that I have read
And while it might have been just a comedy (or was it!?), the voices of Twilight and Rarity were captured splendidly. A short and entertaining quality piece of writing, well done!
nicely done. good twist
Maybe Rarity should stay immortal. After all, the more ponies that are around to tell Twilight all her ideas are bad ideas, the better.
The real plot twist would be if Twilight herself isn't actually immortal and then dies in a freak accident, and the other five, now immortal, are left behind to pick up the pieces.
“Yes, I want you to remove the pipe,” Rarity snapped, then seemed to remember her composure. “If you wouldn’t mind. And after that we shall, as a group, discuss our newfound lichdom before anypony else gets impaled.”
"Isn't that kind hypocritical since you say your current state is unnatural, and therefore you should be dead now? And therefore, made mortal again, and THEN have it removed, while first taking you back first where you had gotten impaled, so you don't have an unnatural time to get to the hospital?"
http://goodmorningcelestia.tumblr.com/post/88214804584/if-she-was-immortal-i-suspect-timing-would-be :-)
I'd be somewhat worried about having five (or four
) liches eating away at an alicorn's soul, though. We know what happened the last time an alicorn went evil; with abnormally low soul levels in Twilight, might we be seeing another Nightmare soon?
7378003 I imagine that was why Twilight was planning on waiting before telling her friends...
7378049
She's just sharing her soul with her friends, it'll likely kick start their own Alicornhood.
7378053 Sharing her soul? Isn't that just what good friends are supposed to do?
7378068
Exactly.
Two punctuation errors in the summary:
friends'
Comma after 'mortality'
This comma should be after 'me', not 'is'.
Well...that happened.
Quite amusing, but I am somewhat bothered by the logic of scenarios in which something that would normally be tragic happens just so a plot point can be demonstrated. Such as in "The Mysterious Mare Do Well", in which Ponyville suddenly turns into a death trap so Dash and MDW can have something to demonstrate their heroism on. I know it's a comedy, but still...
"Oh sweet Celestia, there’s a pipe through your barrel!”
"Yes, dear, I know. I put it there myself."
"Wut??"
"Well, if you must know, it started when I pricked myself with a needle this morning and neither bled nor felt pain. I began investigating the phenomenon, and things just sort of...escalated."
7377921
You, sir, have won the internet for the day
7378112 that is an absurdly plausible thing to happen. And hell yeah I want to see how that talk goes!
Well I just read that. I found it amusing. Good one
-BFBL
Dorky, is this a updated scenario from that fic you never got anywhere with?
Thank you so much. I giggled for a solid 5 minutes.
Seriously, this should be featured ASAP
Zombies!
This is a great, lighthearted take on something everyone else gets all lugubrious and grim about. Well done!
OK, this one was awesome. I wonder how Pinkie did it... But then again, there are things that Man (and Pony) is not meant to know...
Umm...how's pinkie pie not dead?!
7379493
7377998 Accepting that you will die eventually is different to accepting that you will die immediately.
7379656 That's the joke.
This was hilarious!
7379656
It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it.
7379656 Unless I missed something, she just lost an arm which is hardly 100% fatal, more curious about the lack of bleeding then anything else.
That was really funny; great story.
(Hmn. The comma was bothering me, but now I'm not sure whether the semicolon is indulgent or just plain incorrect. Ehh.)
I remember this one. Great to see it on Fimfiction. Still an excellent treatment of Twilight's immortality blues. Plus, it gives her time to invent a less objectionable solution.
7379656
She's modular; we've known that since "The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows."
I actually like emotional immortality fics, but this was hilarious. Kudos.
7379678
Alex makes a good point. Essentially, Rarity died today. Accepting you'll die someday isn't much different from accepting you'll die right now, because you can only HOPE you live to a ripe old age and die when you're good and ready. Chances are just as, if not more, likely that you'll get a pipe lodged in your lung and die five minutes from now.
Either way, Rarity's complaining about her immortality when it just kept her from dying. She got a Free Continue. Might as well keep hold of it for now until something better comes along!
Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty bang-on Rarity.
Funny how Twilight jumped straight to the dark magics for this, though.
7379869 Well, the books of Light Magic in most worlds all have the same thing to say about immortality spells, resurrection spells, raising the dead, etc: "Don't." Which does rather narrow the alternatives.
Awesome work, well done.
7379656 she is the walking incarnation of ex machina
7379731
Yes but, isn't blood loss fatal?Cause if a limb is severed and the bleeding isn't stopped wouldn't a person/ pony bleed to death especially if it's connected together some major arteries?
Hang on, how do you rip someone's soul out without them noticing?
7377982 ooooh! That would make an EXCELLENT dark fic!
7380059
Very carefully. Also it helps if you move through the astral plane using a sub harmonic spell to mask the ethereal ripples you create, and then apple a reverse frequency of the souls vibe in order to draw it out directly into the crystal or device you're planning on using. If done correctly, no one will ever know you were there...er, at least, that's what I've heard.
7380059 veeery caaarefully. A specially selected soul crystal. Triple purified. And the soul is pulled through an emergency induction port in the ritual...
7380105
"Emergency Induction Port..."
... A straw. You want to use a straw to suck out souls.
7379656 there are questions NOT to be asked
7380123 Eeeemergancy induction port...
7380049 Yes, but as said she wasn't bleeding at all, so there's no chance of death by blood loss.
7380167
You know what let's just forget it and label this discussion under PINKIE LOGIC
7379678
Reminds me of a Voyager episode where a crew mate has to be saved using medical knowledge collected by an evil mad doctor, and after a big moral debate, they save the main character, and THEN delete all the info (which is kinda dumb since the knowledge still exists on every ship and archive in the Federation, all they did was lessen their own chances to lives).
7380138 Unless by asking them, Twilight can find a better way to keep her friends immortal. Personally, I hope she does because letting five other ponies eat your soul doesn't sound like a good idea.
Also, I feel like I've read this story before?
"Rarity?"
"Yes?"
"You do realize that if I hadn't cast that spell you would be dead right now, right?"
"..."
7380483 pipe through a lung... well, technically it's fatal wound, but with magic and hospital nearby... well, it can be fixed....
7380483
Given the history of the C.M.C. and Equestria's Harmony Magic, Rarity probably wouldn't have been struck by the pipe if she was still alive.
He, Twilight is always fun when her dorkiness, immense ability and tendency to panic come together into some extreme behavior. This was pretty great.
Well done. I'd have loved to hear the reaction of the others though. I have a vague feeling that AJ would be upset. And Rainbow, once she realizes that being immortal makes death-defying stunts a little less impressive.