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billymorph


Hey all, I'm billymorph, a semi-professional writer, self-published author and full-time pony fan. If you enjoy my work, please support me on Patreon!

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After the defeat of Starlight Glimmer, Rainbow Dash comes to a startling conclusion about the villains they fight.

With thanks to JCatt and Lord of Dorkness with their help pre-reading.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 356 )

Oh damn that's a good one. I needed a laugh today.

Europa #2 · May 28th, 2015 · · 4 ·

B-But... B-But... the sirens don't have horns. :raritydespair:

6028437 Hmm, looking closer at the pictures on the wiki they just have a frill on their heads. I think I'll cut that line.

This reads like something I'd write. Glorious! :pinkiehappy:

If you're going to include the comics... Mane-iac? Sorry, I just think that this is incredibly contrived.

Iron Will wasn't a villain in the episode he appeared in. Fluttershy was.
Horned Gryphon? Just it being in their name doesn't mean they have horns, does it?
Spike doesn't have a horn...

6028443
6028437

Remember, Spike and his frill apparently counted.

That what was I thought you meant, or I'd commented on that siren line myself.

If they're going to count ones who weren't really evil overlords, just dickish, then Suri Polomare, and Lightning Dust.

Exaxtlty what i was thinking when i saw Tirek. Heck i evem quoted TFs Krillin on that.

Ha. horny.

Innuendo everywhere!

Heh, yeah, that was fun. Have a Like.

True, most villans have magic or are really strong, a la dragons.


Also, I came here expecting edge horny villans. Not horned villans.

Ahuizotl, Doctor Caballeron, the Mane-iac, Suri Polomare, the parasprites, the Diamond Dogs, the manticore, the Shadowbolts, those pegasus asshats in Cloudsdale, the cockatrice (unless a rooster's comb counts as a horn :ajbemused:), the Wonderbolts in "Rainbow Falls," Philomena (since we're apparently counting any even mildly antagonistic entity,) the windigoes, Lightning Dust...

Also, I'm pretty sure those pointy bits on timberwolves are supposed to be ears.

the sirens and a whole host of others didn't have horns either

Can't be worse.

Yeah... it's a bit contrived. All of the major antagonists have horns, there's no doubting that (although one of Discord's 'horns' is actually an antler). However, ignoring all the genuine villains who don't and trying to justify the dragons' spines as horns tested my suspension of disbelief. Stating that Gilda was 'half-horned eagle', (a species which doesn't exist on Earth and has never been mentioned in the show) and somehow counted despite not having an actual horn, broke it.

It's a good idea, but I think it requires another angle to properly work. Maybe have the story told from the POV of a conspiracy theorist who believes this.

6028763 Like with the dragons, Ear frills.

Haven't read it yet but I must say that this story has the best tittle I have ever seen for I swear I've never laughed so hard in years. :rainbowlaugh:
(Note to self: becareful not to read funny things before drinking my drink I swear I nearly ruined my laptop..... again :twilightblush:)

Dang I didn't think that short thing could be that good xD

6028596
You forgot Angel Bunny, the greatest evil still free in Equestria.

6029206
Yeah, but he doesn't have horns, so Twilight and Co. give him a pass.

If he did have horns, you know they'd take him down in his first appearance.

6029024 an antler is considered a horn.

6028596

This comment, pretty much. Around the "horned eagle" part, I just gave up. I still read the rest of it, of course; every story deserves that level of respect, at least, But right around there, they were just trying to shoehorn (pun not intended) every reference to horns they could find. I'm sure if there was an antagonist that had to do with brass instruments like trumpets and tubas, he'd probably be put under "horned" as well, since he plays a type of horn.

I wanted to slap RD for blaming Trixie for the Ursa. THat was all Snips and Snails, not her. And at least she tried to fight it off unlike most of the town.

Not entirely solid reasoning for this one, but the ending sold me on it. That's totally something Twilight would do. Apparently Celestia's seen it more than once, which honestly doesn't surprise me. At all.

Discord, who hard several horns.

"Had".

“Has anypony else noticed those are both really similar to Twilight Sparkle?” Pinkie Pie interjected.
Twilight twitched. “Focus please, Pinkie. We’ll deal with that one later.”

Please, make it happen.

Confirmation bias is magic.

6029289
And tomatoes are often considered vegetables, but they are actually fruits.

Horns are a sheath of keratin with living bone inside them. The animals keep their horns their entire lives.

Antlers are pure bone tissue, outgrowths of the skull, and initially covered in skin. Once fully grown the skin tissue leaves and the bone tissue solidifies and dies. In certain species antlers are shed and regrown every year.

After an exhausting venture, I can see why certain facts & characters would be forgotten or pushed to the recesses of the mind's eye. So I had a hearty laugh and thank you for this fic!

Haven't read the story but the title made me think. Yeah all their main villains had horns in some form.

6029405 except the sirens and sunset shimmer's demon form but hey lets not let facts get in the way of an already tenuous excuse for a story eh?

6029070 ear frills are not horns. they are frills on their ears

6029206

That's not how you spell Diamond Tiara.

6029436 for got the sirens, however Sunset's true from is a unicorn thus fits.

Not the first time people have noticed the abundance of evil unicorns in Equestria

The Reform School For Formerly-Evil Unicorns

I'm still waiting for a season premier/finale where Twilight herself goes flat-out evil

6029455 90% of EQG sunset had no horn. she doesn't count.

it seems the author of this 'story' also conviniently forgot the sirens

6029466

I'm still waiting for a season premier/finale where Twilight herself goes flat-out evil

Everyone is.

Gilda is half horned eagle, but she doesn't have a horn. By that logic, turtle doves are reptiles.

6029493 doesn't matter she had a horn at points os counts. and i admitted the sirens are the only ones that don't have a horn

Pinkie Pie was playing tic-tac-toe against herself, and was losing seventeen to three.

:facehoof: Let us hope that Pinkie never discovers Calvinball. I'm not sure the multiverse could take it.

“Hey,” Dash said, suddenly, her head shooting up. “I just realised something. All our villains are horny!”

“What?” Rarity sat bolt upright, spluttering. “Rainbow Dash, how could you say such a thing?”

Rainbow shrugged. “It’s true, isn’t it? What’s this, the third mad unicorn we’ve had to show the power of friendship right in the kisser.” She said while shadow boxing, startling Fluttershy awake. “It doesn’t take a genius to see the pattern. They’re all horny.”

There was a moment’s stunned silence, then a collective, “ooh,” of understanding.

“You mean, all the villains we fight have horns, sugarcube,” Applejack said with a sigh.

Dash cocked her head at her. “What’s the difference?” There wasn’t a trace of irony in her voice.

“We’ll tell you when you’re older.” Applejack rolled her eyes.

:rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh:

“Okay, so we a few names for the horned column. Sunset Shimmer, Starlight Glimmer--”

“Has anypony else noticed those are both really similar to Twilight Sparkle?” Pinkie Pie interjected.

Twilight twitched. “Focus please, Pinkie. We’ll deal with that one later.”

:twilightoops: Oh god. :rainbowlaugh:

I'm with 6029345 on this one.

“There was that Nightmare Rarity thing that happened in the comics.”

:facehoof: Goddammit, Pinkie Pie!

Celestia set down the letter and sighed. “Again, Twilight?”

Agreed. :rainbowlaugh:

6029591
oh sh:yay:t.

“Okay, so we a few names for the horned column. Sunset Shimmer, Starlight Glimmer--”

"so we have a few..." I can't believe we didn't saw that.

“There was that Nightmare Rarity thing that happened in the comics.”

Wonder if evil Luna and Celestia from the comics count too...

6028443 SURI POLOMARE! FOUND ONE! YES!

6029518 While she may have been horny for Dash, I don't see a horn on Lightning Dust...

th07.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/351/1/9/lightning_dust_by_pasuri98-d5obc2w.png

Unless I am blind

Even if their weren't a bunch of cases where Rainbow is straight up wrong... It's still a logical fallacy. Correlation does not equal causation.


Putting that aside, this little story amused me.

Also the whole thing with a vast majority of major pony villains being unicorns reminds me of the old saying regarding D&D classes leveling. Fighters progress linearly, Wizards Progress Quadratically. So it would only make sense that an evil pony that can become powerful enough to be a major threat to town,city, or country would be a magic user and hence a unicorn.

Alternate ending:

:twilightangry2: “You are wrong, Rainbow Dash. If I can name one villain, just one, without a horn, will you please let this whole thing drop?”

:rainbowdetermined2: “Okay. Hit me with your best shot, Sparkle.”

:twilightsmile: "Lighting Dust."

:rainbowderp: "... Darn, okay, you got me."

:pinkiegasp: "So that means all our villains have horns and/or have wings!"

:twilightoops: ...

------------

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have locked all the pegesus and unicorns in Ponyville in my library and request you step down as monarch of Equestria. While our continued survival is vital to Equestria's survival, we must defer to the Earth Pony Master race.

-Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

There might be villains that aren't horny, but the majority of them are. Makes some weird sense to me.

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